Parents being flippant about inheritance - is it a trend?

[Anonymous]

All through her life, my mom raged that her father was an idiot who squandered all his money and died broke.

Predictably, decades later my mom squandered all her money like an idiot and died broke.

She did right by me. She paid for my education and I always got everything I needed. Still, it is painful to think of all the money she worked very hard to earn getting pissed away in her final years.

I am determined to break this family tradition of squandering all the money and dying broke.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not exactly the same but my in laws once sat us down at great length to tell us that some money they were putting in a trust was going to be in my husbands name, not mine, they didn’t want to end up supporting me and my new husband har har, etc.

My money is going into a trust for my kids so that it will be insulated from any future divorce settlements.

I will definitely tell my kids that they should keep the money separate and not commingle with marital assets, but I see no need to tell their future spouses about it.

Agree completely but it was very rude-especially at such length! That was when we had been married a year or two and now we’ve been married 20 (very happily.)

FIL has spontaneously brought that convo up several times in last few years-he is now mortified and has apologized repeatedly (for the rude discussion not the decision which I completely agree is the right thing to do.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I always tell my parents and my MIL that they should spend their money to enjoy their retirement, that they have earned the opportunity to travel and enjoy life and we value them being happy and fulfilled. And we mean it. I don't want our parents scrimping and saving in old age to leave us everything. What is the point of that? We are still young and working and smart with money. We had only the number of kids we could afford to raise and send to college without help, we live within our means and have a good life. I don't want my parents giving up something important to them to help us out.

BUT if they made jokes about spending it all so we couldn't have it, I would find that small-minded and offensive. Not because I feel entitled to the money, but because it's just a rude, weird thing to say. "Haha it's all mine and you can't have it" is childish and petty. It makes it sound like they resent having had kids and the money they spent on them. I would think less of them for this.

+1

Well said. Take it with you, or die trying, if you must, but don't gloat about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not exactly the same but my in laws once sat us down at great length to tell us that some money they were putting in a trust was going to be in my husbands name, not mine, they didn’t want to end up supporting me and my new husband har har, etc.

My money is going into a trust for my kids so that it will be insulated from any future divorce settlements.

I will definitely tell my kids that they should keep the money separate and not commingle with marital assets, but I see no need to tell their future spouses about it.

Agree completely but it was very rude-especially at such length! That was when we had been married a year or two and now we’ve been married 20 (very happily.)

FIL has spontaneously brought that convo up several times in last few years-he is now mortified and has apologized repeatedly (for the rude discussion not the decision which I completely agree is the right thing to do.)

That's rude and quite mean, he doesn't have to rub it in your face - says more about FIL than you!

[Anonymous]

People are weird about money. You can count on it.

And people are weird about dying, because it’s really hard to do well.

So money+dying is a very hard thing to wrestle with. I have a lot of empathy for my parents on this front. I

[Anonymous]

I do think there's something about getting older and with that, one's views changing. I'm a big believer in saving for the next generation, & paying, if you can, for your grandchildren's education, etc. but I'm still a youngish parent. As the kids age and our outlooks diverge and they marry off, who knows what you're thinking when you're sitting on some money? Cruising looks fun.

[Anonymous]

I think you pissed them off at some point; they think they can put the money to better use, and/or you don't need the money.
I will not talk to my kids about the money I may or may not leave them, because they don't want to hear it. Such talk would be for me to show some power or try to get them to do something.
The three points I wrote above is how I feel and my kids are not even adults yet.

[Anonymous]

How old are your parents? If retired, are they going crazy with their money or simply verbalizing that the “plan” to spend it all? Do you know how much $$ they have? My DH and I are in our late sixties (kids are 30 and 31) and I have little desire for more stuff. I am with the pp who said as long as all the siblings are treated equally, see what money is left at the end. If a parent requires long term care, the money will end up there.

[Anonymous]

It's easy, just measure how much you take vs give

Grandad isn't weird.
Dad is selfish.
You are in-between.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do think there's something about getting older and with that, one's views changing. I'm a big believer in saving for the next generation, & paying, if you can, for your grandchildren's education, etc. but I'm still a youngish parent. As the kids age and our outlooks diverge and they marry off, who knows what you're thinking when you're sitting on some money? Cruising looks fun.

Cruises are disgusting. Go to a nice resort. Go on boat rides. Don't go to a gross floating hotel with abused labor, massive pollution, and disgusting food.

[Anonymous]

Who cares if they spent it on a sports car?

I plan to leave my kids with lots of money and while I can teach them the value of it I am not going to spite them in the effort to control them beyond the grave.

[Anonymous]

I’m older with grown kids and grandkids. I have noticed people in my age group say things like, i’m gonna spend all my money, and not leave anything behind. It’s like an old people joke. They don’t know that it’s not funny and sounds stupid.

[Anonymous]

It's a control thing. They have lost control of so much in their old age and the last thing they can control is their money. It's not a nice sentiment.

Weirdly enough I had one set of grandparents live like they were still in the Great Depression and they left over 2m (we wished they'd enjoy it more). The other set of grandparents actually gave several million to Joel Osteen. Two extremes basically.

[Anonymous]

“ Even so, I am a little taken aback at my parents attitude, stated on several occasions, to spend it all and not leave anything behind. ”

My parents also say this and I find it hurtful and small minded. It’s in line with their “toughen up, we’re not going to help you” mindset, so I long ago understood that I should never expect anything from them. But now that I’m a parent I can’t see being so harsh and controlling with my kids. I mean, why wouldn’t I want to do kind and thoughtful things for people that I love, including financially if possible. Needless to say, we really don’t have much of a relationship anymore.

[Anonymous]

The reason we do not want to pass it on to our children is over time we realize that our children are self centered, annoying, fake and entitled. There are a lot of things we keep our mouth shut about, so may be the children do not have any idea, but we are watching them and drawing conclusions about how worthy they are.

Also, most times we do not like the spouse of our children. We find them rude and classless. We do not like how they raise their children either. In short, we see their true colors and how grasping and greedy they are. They have used us for material stuff as well as babysitting but they treat us as annoying and do not show us any respect. We do not expect that they will take care of us when we are very old and we do not think that they deserve anything. We are also aware when you pilfer our funds or cheat us. We have to keep quite but we remember everything.

The people who get the money are the people who do not annoy us. In short, we would rather give it to the govt than give to people we know.