Parents being flippant about inheritance - is it a trend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both my parents got inheritance and who knows what happened to it. They both still have money but given how they are I don’t expect anything.

DS recently told us that his GF and her mom and 2 siblings had been homeless for a period after her parents separated. Then he told us that his GF's mother's family had had substantial money for generations, but her mother's parents didn't work, spent all that they had inherited, and could not help their own daughter in this crisis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents aren't like this but my FIL was. Not just inheritance, but almost anything that a parent might do to support or help their adult kids or their grandkids. He'd talk about all their friends and neighbors being "taken advantage of" because they were doing things like paying for grandkids education, moving to be near their kids to help with grandkids, offering money to kids to help start business or buy a home, etc.

In every one of the cases where he felt the parent/grandparent was being taken advantage of, it was pretty clear to the rest of us that they were happy to be able to help their kids and grandkids in this way. In one case, the mom of my DH's best friend from grade school, who at that point was living alone as a widow in their small town, decided to move down to live near DH's friend and his sister to help with kids. My FIL thought this was terrible how these kids were "forcing" her to move nearby to "use" her for childcare. Meanwhile, this sweet woman (who I know fairly well and who came to our wedding and I visit with her ever Christmas) is thrilled to spend so much time with her grandkids, to be living in a suburb of a major city with better healthcare, and to be surrounded by family all the time instead of just on holidays and one week in the summer when her kids would come visit.

He would also complain about his kids "taking all my money" and once told DH that he wouldn't get any inheritance because "you and your wife make too much money to deserve it." He was a bitter, small old man, and now he's dead.

Don't leave us hanging - what happened? Did he leave any money to his children? Or to anyone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I always tell my parents and my MIL that they should spend their money to enjoy their retirement, that they have earned the opportunity to travel and enjoy life and we value them being happy and fulfilled. And we mean it. I don't want our parents scrimping and saving in old age to leave us everything. What is the point of that? We are still young and working and smart with money. We had only the number of kids we could afford to raise and send to college without help, we live within our means and have a good life. I don't want my parents giving up something important to them to help us out.

BUT if they made jokes about spending it all so we couldn't have it, I would find that small-minded and offensive. Not because I feel entitled to the money, but because it's just a rude, weird thing to say. "Haha it's all mine and you can't have it" is childish and petty. It makes it sound like they resent having had kids and the money they spent on them. I would think less of them for this.

+1

Well said. Take it with you, or die trying, if you must, but don't gloat about it.

I'm one of the PPs whose MIL says this. Always rubbed me wrong, so am relieved here that others feel similarly, including that it is kind of small to gloat about it. Look, I grew up without a lot of money and DH and I are doing more than fine. But DH's sibling and spouse do not have those kinds of assets and I know they are counting on inheriting something - I just don't think they've put together that there might not be anything in the end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m older with grown kids and grandkids. I have noticed people in my age group say things like, i’m gonna spend all my money, and not leave anything behind. It’s like an old people joke. They don’t know that it’s not funny and sounds stupid.

Are they all so emotionally stunted that they lack the ability to imagine how it must sound?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The reason we do not want to pass it on to our children is over time we realize that our children are self centered, annoying, fake and entitled. There are a lot of things we keep our mouth shut about, so may be the children do not have any idea, but we are watching them and drawing conclusions about how worthy they are.

Also, most times we do not like the spouse of our children. We find them rude and classless. We do not like how they raise their children either. In short, we see their true colors and how grasping and greedy they are. They have used us for material stuff as well as babysitting but they treat us as annoying and do not show us any respect. We do not expect that they will take care of us when we are very old and we do not think that they deserve anything. We are also aware when you pilfer our funds or cheat us. We have to keep quite but we remember everything.

The people who get the money are the people who do not annoy us. In short, we would rather give it to the govt than give to people we know.

You raised these people?!?

[Anonymous]

There is also the flip side to these kinds of statements. And that is, "When I/we die, you kids/grandkids won't have to work a day in your life!"

Repeat this often as a means of manipulation and buying affection. It's especially effective when the children are small.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am an immigrant. I think many Americans don’t realize that times have changed and they are removing the much needed leg up from underneath their kids by refusing to pass on wealth.
There are so many immigrants who don’t have weird hang ups about bootstraps and provide their kids with debt free education, childcare, and debt free or minimum debt housing. Their kids are going to get ahead in the long run.
What many American parents are doing isn’t just stupid on the individual level but almost like treason or almost some state level crime.

I too am an immigrant. My community sees a lot of people leapfrogging into wealthy SES because their ACs combine resources with them and they buy mansions in expensive neighborhoods and live in multigenerational households. They don’t have to worry about elder care or childcare. They have security of more than 1 or 2 paychecks coming into the house.

No one passes the wealth when they die. The wealth is shared when people are alive and the wealth can be utilized for present and future goals. Americans are being ghouls that are wanting their parents to die by living frugally and give them the money. But, they have zero desire to live with parents, take care of parents or include their parents in their life. The culture is such that there is no joy iN the parents to give anything to their children and vice versa. You cannot sow Acacia tree and expect mangoes.

I see this too. I think the difference is seeing the family as the primary unit, instead of the individual. Which, when it comes to family wealth, is the only thing that makes sense. Look at everyone in this thread bickering over who should get that money and who deserves it and it's all a zero sum game. Imagine thinking of your immediate family that way, it makes no sense. If you view your family's success as, to some degree, your own, and vice versa, then you want to share your wealth because it benefits all of you.

What is the point in keeping all your money to yourself anyway? Wouldn't you rather share it with the people you love most in the world? My DH can't think of anyone we would rather spend money on than our DD, and by extension her spouse and children. If we spend it on a vacation, I want them to come. If we spend it on a house, it's to facilitate them visiting or with the knowledge we will leave the house to them. And so on. It's not selfless because I derive great joy in sharing with them. It makes me happy to see them happy. It is a joy to me to be able to use our money to help make their lives better.

People in this thread are talking about their immediate family like they are annoying coworkers. I do not understand.

I feel the same way, and it's not just money. My family is all about extending help when needed. Between jobs? Here's a little something to tide you over while you focus. Not enough money to travel and meet us for the holiday - have my points, says sibling! When one of us fails, the fallout can drag us all down and make us worry about that person.

Having a feeling of security, knowing that there will be a cushion for a soft landing whether needed or not, allows us to make choices not solely driven by financial concern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am an immigrant. I think many Americans don’t realize that times have changed and they are removing the much needed leg up from underneath their kids by refusing to pass on wealth.
There are so many immigrants who don’t have weird hang ups about bootstraps and provide their kids with debt free education, childcare, and debt free or minimum debt housing. Their kids are going to get ahead in the long run.
What many American parents are doing isn’t just stupid on the individual level but almost like treason or almost some state level crime.

I too am an immigrant. My community sees a lot of people leapfrogging into wealthy SES because their ACs combine resources with them and they buy mansions in expensive neighborhoods and live in multigenerational households. They don’t have to worry about elder care or childcare. They have security of more than 1 or 2 paychecks coming into the house.

No one passes the wealth when they die. The wealth is shared when people are alive and the wealth can be utilized for present and future goals. Americans are being ghouls that are wanting their parents to die by living frugally and give them the money. But, they have zero desire to live with parents, take care of parents or include their parents in their life. The culture is such that there is no joy iN the parents to give anything to their children and vice versa. You cannot sow Acacia tree and expect mangoes.

I see this too. I think the difference is seeing the family as the primary unit, instead of the individual. Which, when it comes to family wealth, is the only thing that makes sense. Look at everyone in this thread bickering over who should get that money and who deserves it and it's all a zero sum game. Imagine thinking of your immediate family that way, it makes no sense. If you view your family's success as, to some degree, your own, and vice versa, then you want to share your wealth because it benefits all of you.

What is the point in keeping all your money to yourself anyway? Wouldn't you rather share it with the people you love most in the world? My DH can't think of anyone we would rather spend money on than our DD, and by extension her spouse and children. If we spend it on a vacation, I want them to come. If we spend it on a house, it's to facilitate them visiting or with the knowledge we will leave the house to them. And so on. It's not selfless because I derive great joy in sharing with them. It makes me happy to see them happy. It is a joy to me to be able to use our money to help make their lives better.

People in this thread are talking about their immediate family like they are annoying coworkers. I do not understand.

I feel the same way, and it's not just money. My family is all about extending help when needed. Between jobs? Here's a little something to tide you over while you focus. Not enough money to travel and meet us for the holiday - have my points, says sibling! When one of us fails, the fallout can drag us all down and make us worry about that person.

Having a feeling of security, knowing that there will be a cushion for a soft landing whether needed or not, allows us to make choices not solely driven by financial concern.

So this! My parents would have done anything for me. They also didn't have much money. But knowing they would do anything - and did with whatever resources they had - is probably partially responsible for my trying to be as generous as I can, including with my siblings. Even when I didn't have a ton of money, I still had more than one of my siblings who was underemployed at the time as they were trying to change careers. This was during the big Internet pivot when employers expected job applicants to have unfettered access to email. So I offered a loan to my sibling to buy a laptop, etc. They did so, then a year later after they landed a job, I told them the loan was forgiven as they lived closer to our parents and would go check on them much more frequently than me, so "use that money to defray expenses."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am an immigrant. I think many Americans don’t realize that times have changed and they are removing the much needed leg up from underneath their kids by refusing to pass on wealth.
There are so many immigrants who don’t have weird hang ups about bootstraps and provide their kids with debt free education, childcare, and debt free or minimum debt housing. Their kids are going to get ahead in the long run.
What many American parents are doing isn’t just stupid on the individual level but almost like treason or almost some state level crime.

I too am an immigrant. My community sees a lot of people leapfrogging into wealthy SES because their ACs combine resources with them and they buy mansions in expensive neighborhoods and live in multigenerational households. They don’t have to worry about elder care or childcare. They have security of more than 1 or 2 paychecks coming into the house.

No one passes the wealth when they die. The wealth is shared when people are alive and the wealth can be utilized for present and future goals. Americans are being ghouls that are wanting their parents to die by living frugally and give them the money. But, they have zero desire to live with parents, take care of parents or include their parents in their life. The culture is such that there is no joy iN the parents to give anything to their children and vice versa. You cannot sow Acacia tree and expect mangoes.

I see this too. I think the difference is seeing the family as the primary unit, instead of the individual. Which, when it comes to family wealth, is the only thing that makes sense. Look at everyone in this thread bickering over who should get that money and who deserves it and it's all a zero sum game. Imagine thinking of your immediate family that way, it makes no sense. If you view your family's success as, to some degree, your own, and vice versa, then you want to share your wealth because it benefits all of you.

What is the point in keeping all your money to yourself anyway? Wouldn't you rather share it with the people you love most in the world? My DH can't think of anyone we would rather spend money on than our DD, and by extension her spouse and children. If we spend it on a vacation, I want them to come. If we spend it on a house, it's to facilitate them visiting or with the knowledge we will leave the house to them. And so on. It's not selfless because I derive great joy in sharing with them. It makes me happy to see them happy. It is a joy to me to be able to use our money to help make their lives better.

People in this thread are talking about their immediate family like they are annoying coworkers. I do not understand.

I feel the same way, and it's not just money. My family is all about extending help when needed. Between jobs? Here's a little something to tide you over while you focus. Not enough money to travel and meet us for the holiday - have my points, says sibling! When one of us fails, the fallout can drag us all down and make us worry about that person.

Having a feeling of security, knowing that there will be a cushion for a soft landing whether needed or not, allows us to make choices not solely driven by financial concern.

Yes. Believe me, those of us who do not have families like that are well aware of this, and how disadvantaged we are. Thank you for rubbing it in our faces.

[Anonymous]

I was just on the phone with our financial advisor who basically told me that we’re highly unlikely to die broke and suggesting ways to lessen the tax burden on what we’re presumably leaving for the kids. So annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am an immigrant. I think many Americans don’t realize that times have changed and they are removing the much needed leg up from underneath their kids by refusing to pass on wealth.
There are so many immigrants who don’t have weird hang ups about bootstraps and provide their kids with debt free education, childcare, and debt free or minimum debt housing. Their kids are going to get ahead in the long run.
What many American parents are doing isn’t just stupid on the individual level but almost like treason or almost some state level crime.

I too am an immigrant. My community sees a lot of people leapfrogging into wealthy SES because their ACs combine resources with them and they buy mansions in expensive neighborhoods and live in multigenerational households. They don’t have to worry about elder care or childcare. They have security of more than 1 or 2 paychecks coming into the house.

No one passes the wealth when they die. The wealth is shared when people are alive and the wealth can be utilized for present and future goals. Americans are being ghouls that are wanting their parents to die by living frugally and give them the money. But, they have zero desire to live with parents, take care of parents or include their parents in their life. The culture is such that there is no joy iN the parents to give anything to their children and vice versa. You cannot sow Acacia tree and expect mangoes.

I see this too. I think the difference is seeing the family as the primary unit, instead of the individual. Which, when it comes to family wealth, is the only thing that makes sense. Look at everyone in this thread bickering over who should get that money and who deserves it and it's all a zero sum game. Imagine thinking of your immediate family that way, it makes no sense. If you view your family's success as, to some degree, your own, and vice versa, then you want to share your wealth because it benefits all of you.

What is the point in keeping all your money to yourself anyway? Wouldn't you rather share it with the people you love most in the world? My DH can't think of anyone we would rather spend money on than our DD, and by extension her spouse and children. If we spend it on a vacation, I want them to come. If we spend it on a house, it's to facilitate them visiting or with the knowledge we will leave the house to them. And so on. It's not selfless because I derive great joy in sharing with them. It makes me happy to see them happy. It is a joy to me to be able to use our money to help make their lives better.

People in this thread are talking about their immediate family like they are annoying coworkers. I do not understand.

I feel the same way, and it's not just money. My family is all about extending help when needed. Between jobs? Here's a little something to tide you over while you focus. Not enough money to travel and meet us for the holiday - have my points, says sibling! When one of us fails, the fallout can drag us all down and make us worry about that person.

Having a feeling of security, knowing that there will be a cushion for a soft landing whether needed or not, allows us to make choices not solely driven by financial concern.

Yes. Believe me, those of us who do not have families like that are well aware of this, and how disadvantaged we are. Thank you for rubbing it in our faces.

Look, I can be the first to take offense and this post doesn't strike me as someone who is "rubbing it in" your face.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am an immigrant. I think many Americans don’t realize that times have changed and they are removing the much needed leg up from underneath their kids by refusing to pass on wealth.
There are so many immigrants who don’t have weird hang ups about bootstraps and provide their kids with debt free education, childcare, and debt free or minimum debt housing. Their kids are going to get ahead in the long run.
What many American parents are doing isn’t just stupid on the individual level but almost like treason or almost some state level crime.

I too am an immigrant. My community sees a lot of people leapfrogging into wealthy SES because their ACs combine resources with them and they buy mansions in expensive neighborhoods and live in multigenerational households. They don’t have to worry about elder care or childcare. They have security of more than 1 or 2 paychecks coming into the house.

No one passes the wealth when they die. The wealth is shared when people are alive and the wealth can be utilized for present and future goals. Americans are being ghouls that are wanting their parents to die by living frugally and give them the money. But, they have zero desire to live with parents, take care of parents or include their parents in their life. The culture is such that there is no joy iN the parents to give anything to their children and vice versa. You cannot sow Acacia tree and expect mangoes.

I see this too. I think the difference is seeing the family as the primary unit, instead of the individual. Which, when it comes to family wealth, is the only thing that makes sense. Look at everyone in this thread bickering over who should get that money and who deserves it and it's all a zero sum game. Imagine thinking of your immediate family that way, it makes no sense. If you view your family's success as, to some degree, your own, and vice versa, then you want to share your wealth because it benefits all of you.

What is the point in keeping all your money to yourself anyway? Wouldn't you rather share it with the people you love most in the world? My DH can't think of anyone we would rather spend money on than our DD, and by extension her spouse and children. If we spend it on a vacation, I want them to come. If we spend it on a house, it's to facilitate them visiting or with the knowledge we will leave the house to them. And so on. It's not selfless because I derive great joy in sharing with them. It makes me happy to see them happy. It is a joy to me to be able to use our money to help make their lives better.

People in this thread are talking about their immediate family like they are annoying coworkers. I do not understand.

I feel the same way, and it's not just money. My family is all about extending help when needed. Between jobs? Here's a little something to tide you over while you focus. Not enough money to travel and meet us for the holiday - have my points, says sibling! When one of us fails, the fallout can drag us all down and make us worry about that person.

Having a feeling of security, knowing that there will be a cushion for a soft landing whether needed or not, allows us to make choices not solely driven by financial concern.

Yes. Believe me, those of us who do not have families like that are well aware of this, and how disadvantaged we are. Thank you for rubbing it in our faces.

Look, I can be the first to take offense and this post doesn't strike me as someone who is "rubbing it in" your face.

Really? What was their intent then? Did the pp think that those of us who don't have parents/families like this are completely unaware?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am an immigrant. I think many Americans don’t realize that times have changed and they are removing the much needed leg up from underneath their kids by refusing to pass on wealth.
There are so many immigrants who don’t have weird hang ups about bootstraps and provide their kids with debt free education, childcare, and debt free or minimum debt housing. Their kids are going to get ahead in the long run.
What many American parents are doing isn’t just stupid on the individual level but almost like treason or almost some state level crime.

I too am an immigrant. My community sees a lot of people leapfrogging into wealthy SES because their ACs combine resources with them and they buy mansions in expensive neighborhoods and live in multigenerational households. They don’t have to worry about elder care or childcare. They have security of more than 1 or 2 paychecks coming into the house.

No one passes the wealth when they die. The wealth is shared when people are alive and the wealth can be utilized for present and future goals. Americans are being ghouls that are wanting their parents to die by living frugally and give them the money. But, they have zero desire to live with parents, take care of parents or include their parents in their life. The culture is such that there is no joy iN the parents to give anything to their children and vice versa. You cannot sow Acacia tree and expect mangoes.

I see this too. I think the difference is seeing the family as the primary unit, instead of the individual. Which, when it comes to family wealth, is the only thing that makes sense. Look at everyone in this thread bickering over who should get that money and who deserves it and it's all a zero sum game. Imagine thinking of your immediate family that way, it makes no sense. If you view your family's success as, to some degree, your own, and vice versa, then you want to share your wealth because it benefits all of you.

What is the point in keeping all your money to yourself anyway? Wouldn't you rather share it with the people you love most in the world? My DH can't think of anyone we would rather spend money on than our DD, and by extension her spouse and children. If we spend it on a vacation, I want them to come. If we spend it on a house, it's to facilitate them visiting or with the knowledge we will leave the house to them. And so on. It's not selfless because I derive great joy in sharing with them. It makes me happy to see them happy. It is a joy to me to be able to use our money to help make their lives better.

People in this thread are talking about their immediate family like they are annoying coworkers. I do not understand.

I feel the same way, and it's not just money. My family is all about extending help when needed. Between jobs? Here's a little something to tide you over while you focus. Not enough money to travel and meet us for the holiday - have my points, says sibling! When one of us fails, the fallout can drag us all down and make us worry about that person.

Having a feeling of security, knowing that there will be a cushion for a soft landing whether needed or not, allows us to make choices not solely driven by financial concern.

Yes. Believe me, those of us who do not have families like that are well aware of this, and how disadvantaged we are. Thank you for rubbing it in our faces.

Look, I can be the first to take offense and this post doesn't strike me as someone who is "rubbing it in" your face.

Really? What was their intent then? Did the pp think that those of us who don't have parents/families like this are completely unaware?

DP--I imagine the intent of the post is to answer the question posed in the OP-- and to suggest that, no , it not a trend or typical for parents to make heartless comments about inheritance. It really doesn't read as "rubbing it in" to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both my parents got inheritance and who knows what happened to it. They both still have money but given how they are I don’t expect anything.

DS recently told us that his GF and her mom and 2 siblings had been homeless for a period after her parents separated. Then he told us that his GF's mother's family had had substantial money for generations, but her mother's parents didn't work, spent all that they had inherited, and could not help their own daughter in this crisis.

Gosh I don’t know I would not be very happy about him having this girlfriend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both my parents got inheritance and who knows what happened to it. They both still have money but given how they are I don’t expect anything.

DS recently told us that his GF and her mom and 2 siblings had been homeless for a period after her parents separated. Then he told us that his GF's mother's family had had substantial money for generations, but her mother's parents didn't work, spent all that they had inherited, and could not help their own daughter in this crisis.

Gosh I don’t know I would not be very happy about him having this girlfriend

What? She graduated top of her class with a generous merit scholarship to college and she’s a delightful young woman. Why would we be unhappy?