Parents being flippant about inheritance - is it a trend?

[Anonymous]

To be honest, I've never really thought much about inheriting money from my parents. I will be THRILLED if they are able to pay for their own care to the end (they are 79 and declining). We already pay for care for DH's parents and have been supporting them for 18+ years.

We have told our kids not to expect anything from us. Mostly, because I've seen cousins squander their lives waiting for the windfall, and I want my kids to be in charge of their own destinies and make their own way - the way my husband and I have.

However, if we have money left over, we will gladly pass it along to our kids. And we hope to treat them (and eventually their own families to beach vacations, etc.). But I don't think we will plan our retirement with the goal of giving our kids an inheritance.

[Anonymous]

If your parents died, and they possessed property, large or small,
How do you think YOU would feel if your parents disinherited you?

[Anonymous]

Sorry honey but this is purely your about your inheritance anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry honey but this is purely your about your inheritance anxiety.

No, it's about what normal, loving people do in families vs. what cruel and crazy people do as acts of unmerited retaliation.

"In sum, remember that the act of disinheriting a child can be a powerful, and painful, message. It may be more powerful and painful than you even believed it to be. So consider the act carefully. "

https://www.aldavlaw.com/blog/youre-out-a-few-things-you-should-consider-before-disinheriting-a-child/#:~:text=Well%20it%20is%20about%20keeping,many%20disinherited%20children%20will%20fight.

[Anonymous]

How did 50 percent of your grandfathers estate go to the IRS? That doesn’t make any sense.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry. We didn’t work hard for years to not enjoy the money we saved. We may only have our very expensive house to give. OP, you are being selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did 50 percent of your grandfathers estate go to the IRS? That doesn’t make any sense.

Honestly, you have NO clue. Do some research. NP

[Anonymous]

No one in my family ever has money to pass down. But I think it’s a larger trend across generations of putting yourself first. People don’t want to care for elderly parents in their homes. People with money feel like they should spend it on things they enjoy. People in general now spend more money on things like luxury items, travel, etc., than people did in previous generations. It’s not just the elderly—it’s everybody putting their own mask on first and establishing boundaries etc. most people aren’t going to give up on a vacation to Europe so that they can leave an inheritance for their kids or so that they can buy a bigger house with an in law suite. That’s just not how people think anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one in my family ever has money to pass down. But I think it’s a larger trend across generations of putting yourself first. People don’t want to care for elderly parents in their homes. People with money feel like they should spend it on things they enjoy. People in general now spend more money on things like luxury items, travel, etc., than people did in previous generations. It’s not just the elderly—it’s everybody putting their own mask on first and establishing boundaries etc. most people aren’t going to give up on a vacation to Europe so that they can leave an inheritance for their kids or so that they can buy a bigger house with an in law suite. That’s just not how people think anymore.

Hmmm, I do think this is a more recent trait/phenomenon. There was about a decade difference in ages between my parents and my ILs. My parents were shaped by the Depression/WWII and my ILs too young to remember WWII. My parents, who had far less money than my ILs, were fairly thrifty and definitely had a sense of sacrifice based on how they grew up during the Depression and the war. My ILs, especially my MiL, are definitely not that way, including my MiL bragging that she plans to spend it all as "you can't take it with you." DH is not that way and am grateful. I hope we can leave money for our children and we plan our lives with the hope that will be possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one in my family ever has money to pass down. But I think it’s a larger trend across generations of putting yourself first. People don’t want to care for elderly parents in their homes. People with money feel like they should spend it on things they enjoy. People in general now spend more money on things like luxury items, travel, etc., than people did in previous generations. It’s not just the elderly—it’s everybody putting their own mask on first and establishing boundaries etc. most people aren’t going to give up on a vacation to Europe so that they can leave an inheritance for their kids or so that they can buy a bigger house with an in law suite. That’s just not how people think anymore.

Hmmm, I do think this is a more recent trait/phenomenon. There was about a decade difference in ages between my parents and my ILs. My parents were shaped by the Depression/WWII and my ILs too young to remember WWII. My parents, who had far less money than my ILs, were fairly thrifty and definitely had a sense of sacrifice based on how they grew up during the Depression and the war. My ILs, especially my MiL, are definitely not that way, including my MiL bragging that she plans to spend it all as "you can't take it with you." DH is not that way and am grateful. I hope we can leave money for our children and we plan our lives with the hope that will be possible.

I had one cousin snort away her trust fund, and another had a very extended adolescence spent flying himself around in his private plane until his dad was ready to hand over the reigns of the family business, and then my cousin ran it into the ground. Not exactly success stories. Other relatives of mine continue to be beholden to their elderly dad, because he buys them things like jobs and houses, and they want to stay in his good graces to get his money. As a result, their marriages have an extra member and elderly dad guides their lives. I don't think this is at all healthy!

[Anonymous]

^^ there's something to be said about making your own way and a huge sense of accomplishment knowing that what you have is a result of your hard work, not inheritance.

That being said, a modest amount to help pay for your kids' college or your own retirement sounds nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one in my family ever has money to pass down. But I think it’s a larger trend across generations of putting yourself first. People don’t want to care for elderly parents in their homes. People with money feel like they should spend it on things they enjoy. People in general now spend more money on things like luxury items, travel, etc., than people did in previous generations. It’s not just the elderly—it’s everybody putting their own mask on first and establishing boundaries etc. most people aren’t going to give up on a vacation to Europe so that they can leave an inheritance for their kids or so that they can buy a bigger house with an in law suite. That’s just not how people think anymore.

Hmmm, I do think this is a more recent trait/phenomenon. There was about a decade difference in ages between my parents and my ILs. My parents were shaped by the Depression/WWII and my ILs too young to remember WWII. My parents, who had far less money than my ILs, were fairly thrifty and definitely had a sense of sacrifice based on how they grew up during the Depression and the war. My ILs, especially my MiL, are definitely not that way, including my MiL bragging that she plans to spend it all as "you can't take it with you." DH is not that way and am grateful. I hope we can leave money for our children and we plan our lives with the hope that will be possible.

I had one cousin snort away her trust fund, and another had a very extended adolescence spent flying himself around in his private plane until his dad was ready to hand over the reigns of the family business, and then my cousin ran it into the ground. Not exactly success stories. Other relatives of mine continue to be beholden to their elderly dad, because he buys them things like jobs and houses, and they want to stay in his good graces to get his money. As a result, their marriages have an extra member and elderly dad guides their lives. I don't think this is at all healthy!

I'm the PP to whom you were replying - is there something I wrote that triggered this response? Just trying to figure out "how we can leave money for our children" leads you to conclude that you "don't think this is at all healthy."

[Anonymous]

I don't know, I want to leave my kid a good chunk of change and/or property (to sell or use, I don't care). To me that's part of the point. Being a parent has been the most meaningful and rewarding thing I've done in my life, and leaving something to my kid to help care for not only her but the people she winds up having meaningful relationships with (spouses, kids) sounds like one of the better things I can do with my money. I'm not going to sacrifice my own health or fundamental happiness to give her more (we are preparing for old age) but I also am not going to spitefully piss it away on conspicuous consumption to keep her from having it.

That just seems weird. Why have kids if that's your attitude? Trying to create a better life for my kid, and her kids, is sort of the point to me. I'd much rather send my grandkids to college than buy another car, I mean wtf?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one in my family ever has money to pass down. But I think it’s a larger trend across generations of putting yourself first. People don’t want to care for elderly parents in their homes. People with money feel like they should spend it on things they enjoy. People in general now spend more money on things like luxury items, travel, etc., than people did in previous generations. It’s not just the elderly—it’s everybody putting their own mask on first and establishing boundaries etc. most people aren’t going to give up on a vacation to Europe so that they can leave an inheritance for their kids or so that they can buy a bigger house with an in law suite. That’s just not how people think anymore.

Hmmm, I do think this is a more recent trait/phenomenon. There was about a decade difference in ages between my parents and my ILs. My parents were shaped by the Depression/WWII and my ILs too young to remember WWII. My parents, who had far less money than my ILs, were fairly thrifty and definitely had a sense of sacrifice based on how they grew up during the Depression and the war. My ILs, especially my MiL, are definitely not that way, including my MiL bragging that she plans to spend it all as "you can't take it with you." DH is not that way and am grateful. I hope we can leave money for our children and we plan our lives with the hope that will be possible.

I had one cousin snort away her trust fund, and another had a very extended adolescence spent flying himself around in his private plane until his dad was ready to hand over the reigns of the family business, and then my cousin ran it into the ground. Not exactly success stories. Other relatives of mine continue to be beholden to their elderly dad, because he buys them things like jobs and houses, and they want to stay in his good graces to get his money. As a result, their marriages have an extra member and elderly dad guides their lives. I don't think this is at all healthy!

I'm the PP to whom you were replying - is there something I wrote that triggered this response? Just trying to figure out "how we can leave money for our children" leads you to conclude that you "don't think this is at all healthy."

All I'm saying is that sometimes inheritances have unintended consequences. That's all. Sounds like you have a good kid and close relationship, and I'm sure she will appreciate all that you do for her. No offense intended.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know, I want to leave my kid a good chunk of change and/or property (to sell or use, I don't care). To me that's part of the point. Being a parent has been the most meaningful and rewarding thing I've done in my life, and leaving something to my kid to help care for not only her but the people she winds up having meaningful relationships with (spouses, kids) sounds like one of the better things I can do with my money. I'm not going to sacrifice my own health or fundamental happiness to give her more (we are preparing for old age) but I also am not going to spitefully piss it away on conspicuous consumption to keep her from having it.

That just seems weird. Why have kids if that's your attitude? Trying to create a better life for my kid, and her kids, is sort of the point to me. I'd much rather send my grandkids to college than buy another car, I mean wtf?

So agree. My MiL is one of those who likes to say "I'm gonna spend it all." After reading many of those replies in this forum, I've decided that she probably thinks it is funny and doesn't get the possible impact when she says it.

Yeah, if I can at all ease a few kinds of burdens my kids may face, then I'm all for it.