S/O How do you justify having an affair?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Why does OP keep asking this same question over and over again? People respond why they have affaires and can keep living. Every response to OP’s question is met with how that couldn’t be the case. OP isn’t will to consider that other people value cheating differently and rationalize it differently. Stop asking and ignoring all the responses. You think what you think. Move on.

“people value cheating differently”

No, people hate cheaters and cheating. That’s why cheaters hide their cheating. If you aren’t doing anything wrong, you don’t need to hide it. Cheaters know it’s wrong, so they hide it.

It's more about the judgement from people who don't know all the facts...like you.

Fact: cheating is wrong, and cheaters hide their cheating because they want to pretend they are decent people. Deep down they know it’s wrong and yes, society judges cheaters.

There are no facts that excuse cheating.

If there are no facts that justify cheating (in your opinion) then why do you ask people how they could justify it? In your world, there is no justification. Of course not everyone thinks the way you do and people continue to evaluate the circumstances of their life and act accordingly.

I don’t ask people to justify cheating. I know cheaters are selfish liars who will victim blame and make up excuses. They’d rather do anything then accept fault, blame, or admit they are wrong.

The whole “not a cheater, but cheating is really ok” crowd here are definitely cheaters playing games.

Cheaters love drama, games, sneaking around, lying about everything, playing pretend, etc. It’s who they are and what they do. I feel sorry for their kids.

Um. That the title of the thread

She’s hurt and she needs to invite people to her threads to lash out. She feels some power for once until she doesn’t, again.

It’s understandable, and certainly those who care, care A LOT.

But many simply don’t care.

Agreed. She and other betrayed folk want to think that post exposure “everyone” will “hate” people who have been unfaithful, even where it has nothing to do with their own lives at all. And maybe some feel that way but most people keep it moving and mind their own. That’s reality - but let the nuh-uh! screaming at this ensue, as it will.

Do you think cheating is okay, then? That the only measure of whether it’s right or wrong is how the “public” reacts?

I think my spouse cheating is a problem. Other people’s relationships are not my problem and I don’t care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does OP keep asking this same question over and over again? People respond why they have affaires and can keep living. Every response to OP’s question is met with how that couldn’t be the case. OP isn’t will to consider that other people value cheating differently and rationalize it differently. Stop asking and ignoring all the responses. You think what you think. Move on.

“people value cheating differently”

No, people hate cheaters and cheating. That’s why cheaters hide their cheating. If you aren’t doing anything wrong, you don’t need to hide it. Cheaters know it’s wrong, so they hide it.

It's more about the judgement from people who don't know all the facts...like you.

Fact: cheating is wrong, and cheaters hide their cheating because they want to pretend they are decent people. Deep down they know it’s wrong and yes, society judges cheaters.

There are no facts that excuse cheating.

If there are no facts that justify cheating (in your opinion) then why do you ask people how they could justify it? In your world, there is no justification. Of course not everyone thinks the way you do and people continue to evaluate the circumstances of their life and act accordingly.

I don’t ask people to justify cheating. I know cheaters are selfish liars who will victim blame and make up excuses. They’d rather do anything then accept fault, blame, or admit they are wrong.

The whole “not a cheater, but cheating is really ok” crowd here are definitely cheaters playing games.

Cheaters love drama, games, sneaking around, lying about everything, playing pretend, etc. It’s who they are and what they do. I feel sorry for their kids.

Um. That the title of the thread

She’s hurt and she needs to invite people to her threads to lash out. She feels some power for once until she doesn’t, again.

It’s understandable, and certainly those who care, care A LOT.

But many simply don’t care.

Agreed. She and other betrayed folk want to think that post exposure “everyone” will “hate” people who have been unfaithful, even where it has nothing to do with their own lives at all. And maybe some feel that way but most people keep it moving and mind their own. That’s reality - but let the nuh-uh! screaming at this ensue, as it will.

Do you think cheating is okay, then? That the only measure of whether it’s right or wrong is how the “public” reacts?

It’s not ok for me. I’m saying I wouldn’t stop being friends with someone or gossip endlessly about someone I don’t really know endlessly over their cheating. I legitimately don’t GAF where it has no impact on me, and I don’t think it makes someone evil. I think the scathing comments in the Lauren Sanchez thread and the ones here show that a lot of women - I’d say people but honestly, please - are pathological and psychotic on this topic and it just shows their partners maybe had a reason. The lunatic who insists her perfect life is and was perfect except for her poor DH falling repeatedly on top of a ho is just par for the course with this kind of discussion. You’ll believe what you want to believe but it won’t make you happier nor more secure, so it has to be that the world at large secretly wants to draw and quarter your cheater and his side piece. It’s probably not true that they care really much at all.

[Anonymous]

Your DH makes me feel so amazing emotionally and physically that I’ll take the risk of him not leaving you. It’s just too good right now!

[Anonymous]

ABC cared because their employees and America cared. I mean if you don’t care what others think just keep doing you without trying to justify lying and sneaking around. I mean if you don’t care, why are you hiding in the shadows? Is it because whoever you are banging doesn’t want anyone to see you? Are you that hideous? I mean, why not just tell the guy’s wife? It doesn’t matter right? Or are you afraid to do that because he will dump you and call you a psycho? I guess I don’t understand people that can’t find D that is available.

[Anonymous]

It’s always about $. My ex had an AP that thought she was going to be taken care of. She didn’t work and her husband wasn’t a high earner. She saw out lifestyle and thought it was her ticket to the good life. Joke was on her when she blew up her marriage only after finding out all the $ came from me. And, then when it was out in the open he didn’t want to be with her anyway. Last I heard was she had to get some minimum wage service job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ABC cared because their employees and America cared. I mean if you don’t care what others think just keep doing you without trying to justify lying and sneaking around. I mean if you don’t care, why are you hiding in the shadows? Is it because whoever you are banging doesn’t want anyone to see you? Are you that hideous? I mean, why not just tell the guy’s wife? It doesn’t matter right? Or are you afraid to do that because he will dump you and call you a psycho? I guess I don’t understand people that can’t find D that is available.

Its often about the lifestyle and money, as PP noted. My exH AP was his direct subordinate at work, dependent on him with her salary, consulting contracts and so on. It happens more often than you think: married men don't get laid for free

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ABC cared because their employees and America cared. I mean if you don’t care what others think just keep doing you without trying to justify lying and sneaking around. I mean if you don’t care, why are you hiding in the shadows? Is it because whoever you are banging doesn’t want anyone to see you? Are you that hideous? I mean, why not just tell the guy’s wife? It doesn’t matter right? Or are you afraid to do that because he will dump you and call you a psycho? I guess I don’t understand people that can’t find D that is available.

Its often about the lifestyle and money, as PP noted. My exH AP was his direct subordinate at work, dependent on him with her salary, consulting contracts and so on. It happens more often than you think: married men don't get laid for free

I can assure you they get laid for free.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ABC cared because their employees and America cared. I mean if you don’t care what others think just keep doing you without trying to justify lying and sneaking around. I mean if you don’t care, why are you hiding in the shadows? Is it because whoever you are banging doesn’t want anyone to see you? Are you that hideous? I mean, why not just tell the guy’s wife? It doesn’t matter right? Or are you afraid to do that because he will dump you and call you a psycho? I guess I don’t understand people that can’t find D that is available.

Its often about the lifestyle and money, as PP noted. My exH AP was his direct subordinate at work, dependent on him with her salary, consulting contracts and so on. It happens more often than you think: married men don't get laid for free

I can assure you they get laid for free.

Okay, yes but you get PP’s point: women are seldom interested in NSA relationships, we like strings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Rather than doing the respectable thing and properly ending your marriage first? Obviously it’s driven by selfishness: not wanting to lose access to your kids, having to give up some money, and no longer being able to carry on the “family man/woman” image. If your AP is single you’re likely giving them false hope, and if they’re also married you’re both scumbags.

How do you live with yourself?

I feel like the respectable thing is to stay in if there are kids. Marriage is for protection of kids. It's not just a romantic relationship anymore after there are kids. Not wanting to lose access to your kids is totally right. Not wanting to lose money that benefits your kids is totally right. ...

So I am sorry isf you were wronged, but your kids are more important in this scenario.

Sure, affairs are wrong, but also apparently run-of-the-mill for people who can't afford the consequences, and don't have enough emotional maturity to get it together, for the kids. You made a choice in marriage. The kids didn't make any choices, they are just stuck with you and your choices. His/her choice to cheat. His/her choice to be bitter. His/her choice to work too much, be distant, be wrapped up in relationship drama, or drunk, or just generally emotionall unavailable. IDGAF if your DH cheated on you. Do better by your kids. They are the main characters, not you.

I agree with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DH makes me feel so amazing emotionally and physically that I’ll take the risk of him not leaving you. It’s just too good right now!

Faustian bargain. Truly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ABC cared because their employees and America cared. I mean if you don’t care what others think just keep doing you without trying to justify lying and sneaking around. I mean if you don’t care, why are you hiding in the shadows? Is it because whoever you are banging doesn’t want anyone to see you? Are you that hideous? I mean, why not just tell the guy’s wife? It doesn’t matter right? Or are you afraid to do that because he will dump you and call you a psycho? I guess I don’t understand people that can’t find D that is available.

Its often about the lifestyle and money, as PP noted. My exH AP was his direct subordinate at work, dependent on him with her salary, consulting contracts and so on. It happens more often than you think: married men don't get laid for free

I can assure you they get laid for free.

Okay, yes but you get PP’s point: women are seldom interested in NSA relationships, we like strings.

Well when he keeps telling her he loves her presumably she thinks it isn’t NSA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ABC cared because their employees and America cared. I mean if you don’t care what others think just keep doing you without trying to justify lying and sneaking around. I mean if you don’t care, why are you hiding in the shadows? Is it because whoever you are banging doesn’t want anyone to see you? Are you that hideous? I mean, why not just tell the guy’s wife? It doesn’t matter right? Or are you afraid to do that because he will dump you and call you a psycho? I guess I don’t understand people that can’t find D that is available.

Its often about the lifestyle and money, as PP noted. My exH AP was his direct subordinate at work, dependent on him with her salary, consulting contracts and so on. It happens more often than you think: married men don't get laid for free

I can assure you they get laid for free.

But by who/what? Most people wouldn’t want to get with that kind of trash.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ABC cared because their employees and America cared. I mean if you don’t care what others think just keep doing you without trying to justify lying and sneaking around. I mean if you don’t care, why are you hiding in the shadows? Is it because whoever you are banging doesn’t want anyone to see you? Are you that hideous? I mean, why not just tell the guy’s wife? It doesn’t matter right? Or are you afraid to do that because he will dump you and call you a psycho? I guess I don’t understand people that can’t find D that is available.

Its often about the lifestyle and money, as PP noted. My exH AP was his direct subordinate at work, dependent on him with her salary, consulting contracts and so on. It happens more often than you think: married men don't get laid for free

I can assure you they get laid for free.

If a married man wants sex with a clean woman not exposing himself to someone’s polyamory and bringing deceases to family he would have to pay for a higher level lover with some monetary commitment. Not all married men would sleep around or like dirty pots where everyone pees.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having an affair gave me the courage to flee a bad relationship.

Yeah, as primates females are wired to "monkey branch." You may feel like you need to stay with a bad partner/provider until you've verified that you could land a better one.

But the key is to have some self-awareness. Just because my biology is telling me to hump that hot person and procreate doesn't mean I need to do that. Stepping back from a situation and evaluating it logically, having solid self-esteem that isn't based on my ability to attract the opposite sex . . . these are all much better ways to come to the same conclusion.

When I found out my husband was having an affair, my initial reaction was rage. I remember I said my internal monologue out loud, basically "What the hell, I'm an awesome partner, I could find someone else, I don't need you. She can have you!" And his eyes got really big. He was expecting me to compete with the OW, I think. And that's what chimps would do, right? But I just said, nah, this is ridiculous. I'm better than this.

So yeah, discovering you're attractive to some prize person is an ego boost, but if you have healthy self-esteem it won't be news to you. It will just be, "Yes of course, I am hot stuff and this would be fun, but I don't make decisions based on soothing my self-esteem or chasing the next hormone high.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s always about $. My ex had an AP that thought she was going to be taken care of. She didn’t work and her husband wasn’t a high earner. She saw out lifestyle and thought it was her ticket to the good life. Joke was on her when she blew up her marriage only after finding out all the $ came from me. And, then when it was out in the open he didn’t want to be with her anyway. Last I heard was she had to get some minimum wage service job.

I was a long term AP and did not care about or want his $. I loved him. Would have been fine with him giving his wife everything (which IMO she deserved under the circumstances) and starting over in whatever situation that meant. Probably moving to a LOCL area like a college town. I work and do okay enough for myself & whatever he could make before aging out would have been a bonus. They had a great life that she deserved to keep. Except that her DH was an incorrigible cheater.