This is the first year in 13 years that I have completely dropped the rope with DH’s family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just how far are people willing to take the “your family = your responsibility” mindset?

What happens if the husband decides not to make the trip to the wife’s family during the holidays? Say he decides to stay home and play video games or go golfing instead.

I mean, you tried it, but that’s not even about being with his wife’s family during the holidays, that’s being with HIS OWN family during the holidays. You know, as in his kids and his wife?

And by the way, both my husband and I have taken the kids to visit our parents while the other partner is on a business trip or just stays home to get house projects done. Not holidays, just regular long weekends. I once went on a girls’ trip and he took the kids to his parents’ house during that time. Everybody had a great weekend!

But it isn’t. In this case it’s about his nuclear family being with her family of origin at the holidays. Why should he have to do the physical labor of being present, suffer the discomfort of being outside his home and the emotional labor of interacting with her family during the holidays? If it was about the nuclear family being together during the holidays they could just do that in their own home without her family of origin.

I like how mad you are over this entirely fictitious scenario that you’ve made up in your head. Your thoughts might be relevant on a thread where the original poster is asking what to do since her husband doesn’t want to travel to see her family, or a dude asking if it would be OK not to travel with his wife to see his family during the holidays.

I also enjoy how, in your world, no parent is a surgeon, a police detective, or a plumber who literally cannot take multiple days for travel over the holidays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just how far are people willing to take the “your family = your responsibility” mindset?

What happens if the husband decides not to make the trip to the wife’s family during the holidays? Say he decides to stay home and play video games or go golfing instead.

I mean, you tried it, but that’s not even about being with his wife’s family during the holidays, that’s being with HIS OWN family during the holidays. You know, as in his kids and his wife?

And by the way, both my husband and I have taken the kids to visit our parents while the other partner is on a business trip or just stays home to get house projects done. Not holidays, just regular long weekends. I once went on a girls’ trip and he took the kids to his parents’ house during that time. Everybody had a great weekend!

But it isn’t. In this case it’s about his nuclear family being with her family of origin at the holidays. Why should he have to do the physical labor of being present, suffer the discomfort of being outside his home and the emotional labor of interacting with her family during the holidays? If it was about the nuclear family being together during the holidays they could just do that in their own home without her family of origin.

What are you blathering on about? I’m more than happy to spend time with DH’s family. But, I refuse to be the one expected to do all of the planning associated with visits, gifts, etc. Go back to the original post. Reread it. This post is about women saying NO to the outdated expectation that they be responsible for maintaining their husband’s relationship with HIS family (that’s the emotional labor).This is NOT about women trying to get more time with their family or foster strong bonds with their family at the expense of their husband’s side of the family. In my case, our kids are, in fact, closer to my side of the family because my husband put ZERO effort into spending time with his family. That’s on him, not me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like this was a good decision for you personally, but what effect does this have on your kids? Will they now get unwanted gifts from the in-laws? Will their relationship with them suffer.

In my extended family one of my nephews wives does a similar divide and conquer with her husband. The net result is that we rarely get to see those kids. Her family gets a massive amount of time and access. Over time the relationship and respect towards that family has deteriorated. It’s unfortunate because we love them dearly but rarely get to see those kids. I see my other nieces and nephews and their children regularly. It’s a close and functional family but there is always this undercurrent of tension.

Why is that the OP’s problem??

Good for you, OP! I did the same when my kids were younger and shocker: my DH didn’t pick up any of the physical or emotional labor. That has, indeed, resulted in a less close relationship with his side of the family but how/why am I supposed to do everything for both sides?!?!

There’s that ridiculous ohrase again - “emotional labor”. Gag! Stop with that nonsense. Maintaining relationships is not “liabor”. I’m not saying you have to put the work into his side of the family but that term you keep using is utter crap.

Since it's so easy, why don't you do it for her then?

My dh doesn't even know if/when we're visiting his parents (who are a 3 hour drive away) over the Christmas holidays. Yes, Christmas is in 6 days. His family could help him by picking up the phone and calling but they won't. He's slammed. I work even longer hours, make more money, and have already planned everything else for our family and kids. No way am I adding to my burden.

Your first comment is just childish. You sound like a toddler.

As for the rest, we’ll then sure. If YOU are carrying the bigger load with money and career, yes HE should do the “emotional labor” more. See how it works? It’s called team work.

So just to be clear, you judge the amount of work someone is doing by the amount of money they make doing it?

I judged YOUR comments on YOUR situation.

OK, first of all, I'm a different poster -- there are more than one of us here who disagree with you.

Second of all, you said:

If YOU are carrying the bigger load with money and career, yes HE should do the “emotional labor” more. See how it works? It’s called team work

I want to know if you mean that money/career = the bigger load.

It says “bigger load with money and career”. The indication is that if there is a SAH partner, that partner should take on more of the domestic duties of which “emotional labor” tends to traditionally fall under. That division of the family responsibilities - one partner more career/money, the other more domestic- is as old as time. No where did I say that money/ career =the bigger load of the responsibilities. That was what YOU read into it. What YOU wanted to see. The work is pretty evenly divided. And that division of labor obviously looks different when both partners are working. I am only commenting on the SAH partner situation.

It's weird that you think you get to decide how a family with a SAHP divides up the labor. Do you also have strong feelings on who does the taxes or mows the lawn?

I seem to have touched a nerve. Go have a cup of tea and relax.

LOL! Who else had “I Touched A Nerve” on their predictable PP Bingo Card? I did, right underneath “You’re Just Jealous.”

I’m pissed - I have a “tell me I touched a nerve without telling me I touched a nerve” on my card. So close!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just how far are people willing to take the “your family = your responsibility” mindset?

What happens if the husband decides not to make the trip to the wife’s family during the holidays? Say he decides to stay home and play video games or go golfing instead.

I mean, you tried it, but that’s not even about being with his wife’s family during the holidays, that’s being with HIS OWN family during the holidays. You know, as in his kids and his wife?

And by the way, both my husband and I have taken the kids to visit our parents while the other partner is on a business trip or just stays home to get house projects done. Not holidays, just regular long weekends. I once went on a girls’ trip and he took the kids to his parents’ house during that time. Everybody had a great weekend!

But it isn’t. In this case it’s about his nuclear family being with her family of origin at the holidays. Why should he have to do the physical labor of being present, suffer the discomfort of being outside his home and the emotional labor of interacting with her family during the holidays? If it was about the nuclear family being together during the holidays they could just do that in their own home without her family of origin.

I like how mad you are over this entirely fictitious scenario that you’ve made up in your head. Your thoughts might be relevant on a thread where the original poster is asking what to do since her husband doesn’t want to travel to see her family, or a dude asking if it would be OK not to travel with his wife to see his family during the holidays.

I also enjoy how, in your world, no parent is a surgeon, a police detective, or a plumber who literally cannot take multiple days for travel over the holidays.

I like how defensive you are about now placing duties on husbands. Think of it this way: In the same way that most men wouldn’t lift a finger to maintain a relationship with their own family they wouldn’t CHOOSE to do anything to maintain/facilitate the relationship with their wife’s family. Yet wives will still expect your husband to do things like show up and be engaged and help with kids in order to maintain/facilitate relationship with their family. Nobody actually believes this “your family = your responsibility” argument because nobody takes it to its logical conclusion. It’s just a cover for people who don’t like their in laws, which is about as traditional as you can possibly get.

And, to be clear, do you. If you don’t like your in laws and don’t want to do anything for/with them, you are well within your rights.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like this was a good decision for you personally, but what effect does this have on your kids? Will they now get unwanted gifts from the in-laws? Will their relationship with them suffer.

In my extended family one of my nephews wives does a similar divide and conquer with her husband. The net result is that we rarely get to see those kids. Her family gets a massive amount of time and access. Over time the relationship and respect towards that family has deteriorated. It’s unfortunate because we love them dearly but rarely get to see those kids. I see my other nieces and nephews and their children regularly. It’s a close and functional family but there is always this undercurrent of tension.

Why is that the OP’s problem??

Good for you, OP! I did the same when my kids were younger and shocker: my DH didn’t pick up any of the physical or emotional labor. That has, indeed, resulted in a less close relationship with his side of the family but how/why am I supposed to do everything for both sides?!?!

There’s that ridiculous ohrase again - “emotional labor”. Gag! Stop with that nonsense. Maintaining relationships is not “liabor”. I’m not saying you have to put the work into his side of the family but that term you keep using is utter crap.

Since it's so easy, why don't you do it for her then?

My dh doesn't even know if/when we're visiting his parents (who are a 3 hour drive away) over the Christmas holidays. Yes, Christmas is in 6 days. His family could help him by picking up the phone and calling but they won't. He's slammed. I work even longer hours, make more money, and have already planned everything else for our family and kids. No way am I adding to my burden.

Your first comment is just childish. You sound like a toddler.

As for the rest, we’ll then sure. If YOU are carrying the bigger load with money and career, yes HE should do the “emotional labor” more. See how it works? It’s called team work.

So just to be clear, you judge the amount of work someone is doing by the amount of money they make doing it?

I judged YOUR comments on YOUR situation.

OK, first of all, I'm a different poster -- there are more than one of us here who disagree with you.

Second of all, you said:

If YOU are carrying the bigger load with money and career, yes HE should do the “emotional labor” more. See how it works? It’s called team work

I want to know if you mean that money/career = the bigger load.

It says “bigger load with money and career”. The indication is that if there is a SAH partner, that partner should take on more of the domestic duties of which “emotional labor” tends to traditionally fall under. That division of the family responsibilities - one partner more career/money, the other more domestic- is as old as time. No where did I say that money/ career =the bigger load of the responsibilities. That was what YOU read into it. What YOU wanted to see. The work is pretty evenly divided. And that division of labor obviously looks different when both partners are working. I am only commenting on the SAH partner situation.

It's weird that you think you get to decide how a family with a SAHP divides up the labor. Do you also have strong feelings on who does the taxes or mows the lawn?

I seem to have touched a nerve. Go have a cup of tea and relax.

LOL! Who else had “I Touched A Nerve” on their predictable PP Bingo Card? I did, right underneath “You’re Just Jealous.”

I’m pissed - I have a “tell me I touched a nerve without telling me I touched a nerve” on my card. So close!!!

It’s a bit disturbing how you think all posts arguing a different view point from yours come from one person. There are multiple posters with views that are different from yours FYI. I’ve seen this phenomenon on other boards here on DCURBAN mom where you all make up a weird back story and character for all the posts you disagree with when clearly they aren’t all coming from one person. Seems rather mentally unstable and not based in reality. Also it’s definitely unhinged to be this angry about things on an online forum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like this was a good decision for you personally, but what effect does this have on your kids? Will they now get unwanted gifts from the in-laws? Will their relationship with them suffer.

In my extended family one of my nephews wives does a similar divide and conquer with her husband. The net result is that we rarely get to see those kids. Her family gets a massive amount of time and access. Over time the relationship and respect towards that family has deteriorated. It’s unfortunate because we love them dearly but rarely get to see those kids. I see my other nieces and nephews and their children regularly. It’s a close and functional family but there is always this undercurrent of tension.

Why is that the OP’s problem??

Good for you, OP! I did the same when my kids were younger and shocker: my DH didn’t pick up any of the physical or emotional labor. That has, indeed, resulted in a less close relationship with his side of the family but how/why am I supposed to do everything for both sides?!?!

There’s that ridiculous ohrase again - “emotional labor”. Gag! Stop with that nonsense. Maintaining relationships is not “liabor”. I’m not saying you have to put the work into his side of the family but that term you keep using is utter crap.

Since it's so easy, why don't you do it for her then?

My dh doesn't even know if/when we're visiting his parents (who are a 3 hour drive away) over the Christmas holidays. Yes, Christmas is in 6 days. His family could help him by picking up the phone and calling but they won't. He's slammed. I work even longer hours, make more money, and have already planned everything else for our family and kids. No way am I adding to my burden.

Your first comment is just childish. You sound like a toddler.

As for the rest, we’ll then sure. If YOU are carrying the bigger load with money and career, yes HE should do the “emotional labor” more. See how it works? It’s called team work.

So just to be clear, you judge the amount of work someone is doing by the amount of money they make doing it?

I judged YOUR comments on YOUR situation.

OK, first of all, I'm a different poster -- there are more than one of us here who disagree with you.

Second of all, you said:

If YOU are carrying the bigger load with money and career, yes HE should do the “emotional labor” more. See how it works? It’s called team work

I want to know if you mean that money/career = the bigger load.

It says “bigger load with money and career”. The indication is that if there is a SAH partner, that partner should take on more of the domestic duties of which “emotional labor” tends to traditionally fall under. That division of the family responsibilities - one partner more career/money, the other more domestic- is as old as time. No where did I say that money/ career =the bigger load of the responsibilities. That was what YOU read into it. What YOU wanted to see. The work is pretty evenly divided. And that division of labor obviously looks different when both partners are working. I am only commenting on the SAH partner situation.

It's weird that you think you get to decide how a family with a SAHP divides up the labor. Do you also have strong feelings on who does the taxes or mows the lawn?

I seem to have touched a nerve. Go have a cup of tea and relax.

LOL! Who else had “I Touched A Nerve” on their predictable PP Bingo Card? I did, right underneath “You’re Just Jealous.”

I’m pissed - I have a “tell me I touched a nerve without telling me I touched a nerve” on my card. So close!!!

It’s a bit disturbing how you think all posts arguing a different view point from yours come from one person. There are multiple posters with views that are different from yours FYI. I’ve seen this phenomenon on other boards here on DCURBAN mom where you all make up a weird back story and character for all the posts you disagree with when clearly they aren’t all coming from one person. Seems rather mentally unstable and not based in reality. Also it’s definitely unhinged to be this angry about things on an online forum.

I was a NP, simply hopping in with the other PP making fun of the “touched a nerve” poster. Simple as that. If you think that makes me mentally unstable, not based in reality or unhinged, have at it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every argument on this board about sex and division of labor can be broken down into two factions: those who believe that, on avg, men and women have the exact same aptitude for emotional intelligence and executive functioning , and those who believe that, on avg, these skill sets differ noticably btwn the sexes.

Personally, I'm in the latter camp. That being said, my in-laws kind of irritate me and I have long since delegated direct communication and logistical planning to my DH. But the fact remains that if I didn't remind and actively encourage my DH to plan visits, it would never happen. Not bc he doesn't love them or want to see them and make sure they have a good relationship with our kids, but bc he just doesn't operate in a world where maintaining relations (outside of our marriage) is a priority. From talking to friends, I don't think he's that much of an outlier.

I think if you don't want to directly communicate with in laws and leave it to dh there can be good reasons for that, but if you take on literally every other aspect of your family's social lives except for in-law maintenance, you owe it to your kids and spouse to provide some reminders to your spouse to get it done

You’re in the wrong camp. It doesn’t take “aptitude” to make phone calls, ask people what they want, order it online, ask your kids what they want, send links to your parents. The presence of a penis does not make these Herculean tasks. Stop babying men.

This anti- male thing is so tired.

A bunch of posters say men are equally capable and you think that’s anti-male?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do all kinds of things for my in laws: getting them gifts, printing photos of the kids for them, arranging visits, having the kids make them cards, call them etc. But I do it because I really love my in laws and they have been wonderful to me. I’m very grateful to have them so I genuinely want to do nice things for them. That and the fact that my husband doesn’t do much of the above if I didn’t so we wouldn’t see or talk to them as often and our kids wouldn’t have as close s relationship w them—which is something that is very important to all of us. My husband is an equal partner in so many ways—dishes, laundry, childcare, etc—and he really loves his parents and has a great relationship w them but for whatever reason he’s just not good at planning and organizing our social life and family relationships at all (he really is fully present and great when we’re w them but he’s not good at planning the visit, he wants them to get gifts and cards from us/our kids but he can never think of what to get or doesn’t think of it til last minute so it’ll be late if I leave it to him) so I do it all including when it comes to his family.

It's no big mystery why your DH will be a thoughtful, equal partner for you but cannot be the same thoughtful son for his parents.
They are just lower on his priority list, as there's no risk about jeopardizing his relationship with them even if the presents and visits slipped through the cracks, unlike his relationship with you which he knows would suffer if he didn't work to maintain.
All of those expressing the same things (he is such a thoughtful and competent partner but too busy to think of presents and scheduling visits!), are all of these DHs able to hold down normal jobs and be communicative and thoughtful at work? If so, then he is absolutely capable of doing the same for his family or origin, it's just that he CHOOSEs not to.

I wonder the posters who think men don’t value relationships are dealing with men who have client facing jobs. Like they can make sure the networking dinner happens (even without work from the client) but presents for their own parents? Too much!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just how far are people willing to take the “your family = your responsibility” mindset?

What happens if the husband decides not to make the trip to the wife’s family during the holidays? Say he decides to stay home and play video games or go golfing instead.

I mean, you tried it, but that’s not even about being with his wife’s family during the holidays, that’s being with HIS OWN family during the holidays. You know, as in his kids and his wife?

And by the way, both my husband and I have taken the kids to visit our parents while the other partner is on a business trip or just stays home to get house projects done. Not holidays, just regular long weekends. I once went on a girls’ trip and he took the kids to his parents’ house during that time. Everybody had a great weekend!

But it isn’t. In this case it’s about his nuclear family being with her family of origin at the holidays. Why should he have to do the physical labor of being present, suffer the discomfort of being outside his home and the emotional labor of interacting with her family during the holidays? If it was about the nuclear family being together during the holidays they could just do that in their own home without her family of origin.

I like how mad you are over this entirely fictitious scenario that you’ve made up in your head. Your thoughts might be relevant on a thread where the original poster is asking what to do since her husband doesn’t want to travel to see her family, or a dude asking if it would be OK not to travel with his wife to see his family during the holidays.

I also enjoy how, in your world, no parent is a surgeon, a police detective, or a plumber who literally cannot take multiple days for travel over the holidays.

I like how defensive you are about now placing duties on husbands. Think of it this way: In the same way that most men wouldn’t lift a finger to maintain a relationship with their own family they wouldn’t CHOOSE to do anything to maintain/facilitate the relationship with their wife’s family. Yet wives will still expect your husband to do things like show up and be engaged and help with kids in order to maintain/facilitate relationship with their family. Nobody actually believes this “your family = your responsibility” argument because nobody takes it to its logical conclusion. It’s just a cover for people who don’t like their in laws, which is about as traditional as you can possibly get.

And, to be clear, do you. If you don’t like your in laws and don’t want to do anything for/with them, you are well within your rights.

No work needs to be split somehow and we all have priorities. I love my in-laws but my husband still has to lead that relationship. End of story.

[Anonymous]

Honest question. Do single men just never see their families? Without a wife to set up visits will be single men never see their mothers again

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like this was a good decision for you personally, but what effect does this have on your kids? Will they now get unwanted gifts from the in-laws? Will their relationship with them suffer.

In my extended family one of my nephews wives does a similar divide and conquer with her husband. The net result is that we rarely get to see those kids. Her family gets a massive amount of time and access. Over time the relationship and respect towards that family has deteriorated. It’s unfortunate because we love them dearly but rarely get to see those kids. I see my other nieces and nephews and their children regularly. It’s a close and functional family but there is always this undercurrent of tension.

Why is that the OP’s problem??

Good for you, OP! I did the same when my kids were younger and shocker: my DH didn’t pick up any of the physical or emotional labor. That has, indeed, resulted in a less close relationship with his side of the family but how/why am I supposed to do everything for both sides?!?!

There’s that ridiculous ohrase again - “emotional labor”. Gag! Stop with that nonsense. Maintaining relationships is not “liabor”. I’m not saying you have to put the work into his side of the family but that term you keep using is utter crap.

Since it's so easy, why don't you do it for her then?

My dh doesn't even know if/when we're visiting his parents (who are a 3 hour drive away) over the Christmas holidays. Yes, Christmas is in 6 days. His family could help him by picking up the phone and calling but they won't. He's slammed. I work even longer hours, make more money, and have already planned everything else for our family and kids. No way am I adding to my burden.

Your first comment is just childish. You sound like a toddler.

As for the rest, we’ll then sure. If YOU are carrying the bigger load with money and career, yes HE should do the “emotional labor” more. See how it works? It’s called team work.

So just to be clear, you judge the amount of work someone is doing by the amount of money they make doing it?

I judged YOUR comments on YOUR situation.

OK, first of all, I'm a different poster -- there are more than one of us here who disagree with you.

Second of all, you said:

If YOU are carrying the bigger load with money and career, yes HE should do the “emotional labor” more. See how it works? It’s called team work

I want to know if you mean that money/career = the bigger load.

It says “bigger load with money and career”. The indication is that if there is a SAH partner, that partner should take on more of the domestic duties of which “emotional labor” tends to traditionally fall under. That division of the family responsibilities - one partner more career/money, the other more domestic- is as old as time. No where did I say that money/ career =the bigger load of the responsibilities. That was what YOU read into it. What YOU wanted to see. The work is pretty evenly divided. And that division of labor obviously looks different when both partners are working. I am only commenting on the SAH partner situation.

It's weird that you think you get to decide how a family with a SAHP divides up the labor. Do you also have strong feelings on who does the taxes or mows the lawn?

I seem to have touched a nerve. Go have a cup of tea and relax.

LOL! Who else had “I Touched A Nerve” on their predictable PP Bingo Card? I did, right underneath “You’re Just Jealous.”

I’m pissed - I have a “tell me I touched a nerve without telling me I touched a nerve” on my card. So close!!!

It’s a bit disturbing how you think all posts arguing a different view point from yours come from one person. There are multiple posters with views that are different from yours FYI. I’ve seen this phenomenon on other boards here on DCURBAN mom where you all make up a weird back story and character for all the posts you disagree with when clearly they aren’t all coming from one person. Seems rather mentally unstable and not based in reality. Also it’s definitely unhinged to be this angry about things on an online forum.

I was a NP, simply hopping in with the other PP making fun of the “touched a nerve” poster. Simple as that. If you think that makes me mentally unstable, not based in reality or unhinged, have at it!

Doesn’t change what I said about some posters making up an alternate reality for some online comments. Which you were also guilty of if you simply hopped in. Still unhinged.

[Anonymous]

Congrats OP! Good job! I never picked up the rope and my DH has been great at keeping up communication with his parents. They’re divorced so it is twice as much work for him, but he talks to them, arranges the flights, gets them gifts, etc. Men are totally capable of that stuff. I do get gifts for our one niece on his side because I enjoy doing that. And he thanks me. This is not some marriage-ruining set up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honest question. Do single men just never see their families? Without a wife to set up visits will be single men never see their mothers again

I think actually that does happen. I bet a lot of boy moms will attest to how they have to be the ones to reach out to their college age sons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Congrats OP! Good job! I never picked up the rope and my DH has been great at keeping up communication with his parents. They’re divorced so it is twice as much work for him, but he talks to them, arranges the flights, gets them gifts, etc. Men are totally capable of that stuff. I do get gifts for our one niece on his side because I enjoy doing that. And he thanks me. This is not some marriage-ruining set up.

Did anyone claim it was marriage ruining?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After a horrific blow up last spring in which I was blamed and made the scapegoat. In the summer I said to him, no more. I don’t mind seeing them but you will do 100% of the hosting and need to be home for 100% of their visit- taking off work if necessary.

Therefore, for the holidays this year we are:

Not seeing or hosting them (he never planned it)

Not exchanging adult gifts (he decided he didn’t want to do it despite me saying that for years)

Also, he was in charge of giving them all the kids gift ideas as they want specific links to things to buy for the kids and want to chose from the options. He keeps complaining about this and it’s unclear if he’s done it as of today (I have provided these links the last 13 years).

I feel so free and happier than I have been in years! Why didn’t I do this earlier?!

I will one day advise my adult daughter- do not do the work for the husbands family, make him step up and do it. You cannot win. If you do it well, no one seems to care and you have just done a ton of work. If you mess up, you’ll be criticized. None of this is good for your marriage or yourself.

I have been married for 34 years, so take my opinions as you will. 55 years old. Adult kids and now grandkids. The advise you plan to give your daughter sucks. My husband's family IS my family. My family IS his family. To be honest, you sound kinda awful. The kind of behaviors you listed do not bode well for a long, happy marriage. Be sure to prepare for life as a single mother in case I'm right.

You give yourself away with the last line. Women like you think that getting and staying married is the ultimate prize. For many of us, marriage, without an equal relationship, is a booby prize and we'd just as well be single mothers rather than having to treat our husbands as incapable children.