This is the first year in 13 years that I have completely dropped the rope with DH’s family

[Anonymous]

After a horrific blow up last spring in which I was blamed and made the scapegoat. In the summer I said to him, no more. I don’t mind seeing them but you will do 100% of the hosting and need to be home for 100% of their visit- taking off work if necessary.

Therefore, for the holidays this year we are:

Not seeing or hosting them (he never planned it)

Not exchanging adult gifts (he decided he didn’t want to do it despite me saying that for years)

Also, he was in charge of giving them all the kids gift ideas as they want specific links to things to buy for the kids and want to chose from the options. He keeps complaining about this and it’s unclear if he’s done it as of today (I have provided these links the last 13 years).

I feel so free and happier than I have been in years! Why didn’t I do this earlier?!

I will one day advise my adult daughter- do not do the work for the husbands family, make him step up and do it. You cannot win. If you do it well, no one seems to care and you have just done a ton of work. If you mess up, you’ll be criticized. None of this is good for your marriage or yourself.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like this was a good decision for you personally, but what effect does this have on your kids? Will they now get unwanted gifts from the in-laws? Will their relationship with them suffer.

In my extended family one of my nephews wives does a similar divide and conquer with her husband. The net result is that we rarely get to see those kids. Her family gets a massive amount of time and access. Over time the relationship and respect towards that family has deteriorated. It’s unfortunate because we love them dearly but rarely get to see those kids. I see my other nieces and nephews and their children regularly. It’s a close and functional family but there is always this undercurrent of tension.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like this was a good decision for you personally, but what effect does this have on your kids? Will they now get unwanted gifts from the in-laws? Will their relationship with them suffer.

In my extended family one of my nephews wives does a similar divide and conquer with her husband. The net result is that we rarely get to see those kids. Her family gets a massive amount of time and access. Over time the relationship and respect towards that family has deteriorated. It’s unfortunate because we love them dearly but rarely get to see those kids. I see my other nieces and nephews and their children regularly. It’s a close and functional family but there is always this undercurrent of tension.

I love how you blame the WIFE but not the person you should. YOUR NEPHEW IS TO BLAME.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like this was a good decision for you personally, but what effect does this have on your kids? Will they now get unwanted gifts from the in-laws? Will their relationship with them suffer.

In my extended family one of my nephews wives does a similar divide and conquer with her husband. The net result is that we rarely get to see those kids. Her family gets a massive amount of time and access. Over time the relationship and respect towards that family has deteriorated. It’s unfortunate because we love them dearly but rarely get to see those kids. I see my other nieces and nephews and their children regularly. It’s a close and functional family but there is always this undercurrent of tension.

That's on your nephew, not his wife.

[Anonymous]

Op, welcome to the other side.

I dropped the rope early on. Maybe not as thoroughly as you, but close. My gifts were unappreciated so I told my DH it was his job. He’d make comments like “it’s not that hard, just get X”. And I’d say “I’m glad you think it’s easy, you can get X! And track the delivery. And wrap it. And deliver it.”

He’s become much less enthusiastic since and actively lobbies to do away with adult gifts now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like this was a good decision for you personally, but what effect does this have on your kids? Will they now get unwanted gifts from the in-laws? Will their relationship with them suffer.

In my extended family one of my nephews wives does a similar divide and conquer with her husband. The net result is that we rarely get to see those kids. Her family gets a massive amount of time and access. Over time the relationship and respect towards that family has deteriorated. It’s unfortunate because we love them dearly but rarely get to see those kids. I see my other nieces and nephews and their children regularly. It’s a close and functional family but there is always this undercurrent of tension.

Do you ever talk to your nephew about how disappointed you are in his ability to maintain his own family ties?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like this was a good decision for you personally, but what effect does this have on your kids? Will they now get unwanted gifts from the in-laws? Will their relationship with them suffer.

In my extended family one of my nephews wives does a similar divide and conquer with her husband. The net result is that we rarely get to see those kids. Her family gets a massive amount of time and access. Over time the relationship and respect towards that family has deteriorated. It’s unfortunate because we love them dearly but rarely get to see those kids. I see my other nieces and nephews and their children regularly. It’s a close and functional family but there is always this undercurrent of tension.

If this happens, it is not OP's fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After a horrific blow up last spring in which I was blamed and made the scapegoat. In the summer I said to him, no more. I don’t mind seeing them but you will do 100% of the hosting and need to be home for 100% of their visit- taking off work if necessary.

Therefore, for the holidays this year we are:

Not seeing or hosting them (he never planned it)

Not exchanging adult gifts (he decided he didn’t want to do it despite me saying that for years)

Also, he was in charge of giving them all the kids gift ideas as they want specific links to things to buy for the kids and want to chose from the options. He keeps complaining about this and it’s unclear if he’s done it as of today (I have provided these links the last 13 years).

I feel so free and happier than I have been in years! Why didn’t I do this earlier?!

I will one day advise my adult daughter- do not do the work for the husbands family, make him step up and do it. You cannot win. If you do it well, no one seems to care and you have just done a ton of work. If you mess up, you’ll be criticized. None of this is good for your marriage or yourself.

Yeah OP! Great job! I am the OP who started the damned if you do... thread, and I completely agree with you. If we (the moms) did not put forth all our effort, nothing would get done, until it becomes too much. The husbands are not helpless, they are grown men, they can deal with their families. Now, we give the young adult cousins money (I have to remind him that they thought his amount was too cheap), and DH has to buy his parents their gifts. He also does an annual gift for the whole family, that no matter how many times I remind him, he will order it last minute. Maybe they should remind him!

I would try so hard, and nothing would ever be good enough, so what is the point?

We barely feel welcome at the family dinners (we rotate 3 or 4 holidays per year, and are glad to host our rotation), after all we have done for the family.

Well done for you, I say!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like this was a good decision for you personally, but what effect does this have on your kids? Will they now get unwanted gifts from the in-laws? Will their relationship with them suffer.

In my extended family one of my nephews wives does a similar divide and conquer with her husband. The net result is that we rarely get to see those kids. Her family gets a massive amount of time and access. Over time the relationship and respect towards that family has deteriorated. It’s unfortunate because we love them dearly but rarely get to see those kids. I see my other nieces and nephews and their children regularly. It’s a close and functional family but there is always this undercurrent of tension.

If this happens, it is not OP's fault.

DP here. I feel like the "younger generation" -ie: the kids of the kids get away with more, in general. Ex: the dividing and conquering of gifts. Another example: Niece is hiring a wedding planner for their local wedding, and sh&t would have REALLY hit the fan if that was me back when - in spite of the fact I planned our wedding long distance, before the internet was widely available (I'm old LOL).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, welcome to the other side.

I dropped the rope early on. Maybe not as thoroughly as you, but close. My gifts were unappreciated so I told my DH it was his job. He’d make comments like “it’s not that hard, just get X”. And I’d say “I’m glad you think it’s easy, you can get X! And track the delivery. And wrap it. And deliver it.”

He’s become much less enthusiastic since and actively lobbies to do away with adult gifts now.

+1

Mission accomplished!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like this was a good decision for you personally, but what effect does this have on your kids? Will they now get unwanted gifts from the in-laws? Will their relationship with them suffer.

In my extended family one of my nephews wives does a similar divide and conquer with her husband. The net result is that we rarely get to see those kids. Her family gets a massive amount of time and access. Over time the relationship and respect towards that family has deteriorated. It’s unfortunate because we love them dearly but rarely get to see those kids. I see my other nieces and nephews and their children regularly. It’s a close and functional family but there is always this undercurrent of tension.

Why is that the OP’s problem??

Good for you, OP! I did the same when my kids were younger and shocker: my DH didn’t pick up any of the physical or emotional labor. That has, indeed, resulted in a less close relationship with his side of the family but how/why am I supposed to do everything for both sides?!?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like this was a good decision for you personally, but what effect does this have on your kids? Will they now get unwanted gifts from the in-laws? Will their relationship with them suffer.

In my extended family one of my nephews wives does a similar divide and conquer with her husband. The net result is that we rarely get to see those kids. Her family gets a massive amount of time and access. Over time the relationship and respect towards that family has deteriorated. It’s unfortunate because we love them dearly but rarely get to see those kids. I see my other nieces and nephews and their children regularly. It’s a close and functional family but there is always this undercurrent of tension.

You have your nephew’s phone number, yes? If you do, dial it or text him and invite him and his family over. “Problem” solved. If he doesn’t respond to your invitation, that’s on HIM, not HER.

[Anonymous]

I chose to never lift a finger for my husband’s family. They still find me charming, because when I visit, I sit with them, ask all the right questions, listen to the elders, dress DD and myself in all the clothes my MIL finds pretty, while my husband does the dishes and makes the beds. It’s a sweet deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like this was a good decision for you personally, but what effect does this have on your kids? Will they now get unwanted gifts from the in-laws? Will their relationship with them suffer.

In my extended family one of my nephews wives does a similar divide and conquer with her husband. The net result is that we rarely get to see those kids. Her family gets a massive amount of time and access. Over time the relationship and respect towards that family has deteriorated. It’s unfortunate because we love them dearly but rarely get to see those kids. I see my other nieces and nephews and their children regularly. It’s a close and functional family but there is always this undercurrent of tension.

That's on your nephew, not his wife.

You are absolutely correct. It’s my nephew who is primarily at fault here. But the reality is that he is working crazy hours and traveling constantly and has little time. His wife has much more flexibility to make these kinds of things happen. She is the stay at home. It is not her “fault”. But the net result is the same. We rarely see them. It’s easy to say the obvious things that she is not responsible. And she isn’t. But it’s the kids that miss out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like this was a good decision for you personally, but what effect does this have on your kids? Will they now get unwanted gifts from the in-laws? Will their relationship with them suffer.

In my extended family one of my nephews wives does a similar divide and conquer with her husband. The net result is that we rarely get to see those kids. Her family gets a massive amount of time and access. Over time the relationship and respect towards that family has deteriorated. It’s unfortunate because we love them dearly but rarely get to see those kids. I see my other nieces and nephews and their children regularly. It’s a close and functional family but there is always this undercurrent of tension.

That's on your nephew, not his wife.

You are absolutely correct. It’s my nephew who is primarily at fault here. But the reality is that he is working crazy hours and traveling constantly and has little time. His wife has much more flexibility to make these kinds of things happen. She is the stay at home. It is not her “fault”. But the net result is the same. We rarely see them. It’s easy to say the obvious things that she is not responsible. And she isn’t. But it’s the kids that miss out.

So she’s the primary parent while he travels but somehow she has more time. Please go back to 1950