This is the first year in 13 years that I have completely dropped the rope with DH’s family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been married five years. The first two or three years I spent countless hours picking out the prefect presents (presents!) for my husband's five (FIVE) siblings, all of their spouses and all of their kids. His family is huge on Christmas and presents and mine isn't so I thought it was fun.

Then one year I got one present total from his family: a cookbook for dogs. A dog cookbook.

I stopped and never looked back.

Good for you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like this was a good decision for you personally, but what effect does this have on your kids? Will they now get unwanted gifts from the in-laws? Will their relationship with them suffer.

In my extended family one of my nephews wives does a similar divide and conquer with her husband. The net result is that we rarely get to see those kids. Her family gets a massive amount of time and access. Over time the relationship and respect towards that family has deteriorated. It’s unfortunate because we love them dearly but rarely get to see those kids. I see my other nieces and nephews and their children regularly. It’s a close and functional family but there is always this undercurrent of tension.

That's on your nephew, not his wife.

You are absolutely correct. It’s my nephew who is primarily at fault here. But the reality is that he is working crazy hours and traveling constantly and has little time. His wife has much more flexibility to make these kinds of things happen. She is the stay at home. It is not her “fault”. But the net result is the same. We rarely see them. It’s easy to say the obvious things that she is not responsible. And she isn’t. But it’s the kids that miss out.

You are still blaming the niece? It is plain as day that your nephew does not care that his kids have no relationship with you and your family. He does not care.

If the nephew’s wife is SAH then yes the responsibility really should be hers. It’s sort of part of the deal. If he’s busting his buns to support her and the family she can reach out on his behalf.

As a former SAH who divorced her do-nothing husband, I have to say I kind of agree that a SAH wife is in the position of facilitatinging the family holiday experience.
I didn't like having it ALL dumped on me when I was married, but I now that I am divorced and holidays have to be split evenly, I make sure that the kids see his family and even cut into what should be my holiday time if there are special events on his side of the family. I make sure the kids get their dad a gift, but actually doing things for his family is in his purview. I'm not preventing anything, but making sure to give him the space - he could NEVER complain that I usurped any holiday time.

I'm not doing this for him or his family but for my kids. I want my kids to know that I support their relationships with extended family. What kind of mother would I be if I didn't? In no way do I want my kids to look at me in 10 years and think - mom alienated us from dad's family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After a horrific blow up last spring in which I was blamed and made the scapegoat. In the summer I said to him, no more. I don’t mind seeing them but you will do 100% of the hosting and need to be home for 100% of their visit- taking off work if necessary.

Therefore, for the holidays this year we are:

Not seeing or hosting them (he never planned it)

Not exchanging adult gifts (he decided he didn’t want to do it despite me saying that for years)

Also, he was in charge of giving them all the kids gift ideas as they want specific links to things to buy for the kids and want to chose from the options. He keeps complaining about this and it’s unclear if he’s done it as of today (I have provided these links the last 13 years).

I feel so free and happier than I have been in years! Why didn’t I do this earlier?!

I will one day advise my adult daughter- do not do the work for the husbands family, make him step up and do it. You cannot win. If you do it well, no one seems to care and you have just done a ton of work. If you mess up, you’ll be criticized. None of this is good for your marriage or yourself.

I have been married for 34 years, so take my opinions as you will. 55 years old. Adult kids and now grandkids. The advise you plan to give your daughter sucks. My husband's family IS my family. My family IS his family. To be honest, you sound kinda awful. The kind of behaviors you listed do not bode well for a long, happy marriage. Be sure to prepare for life as a single mother in case I'm right.

You give yourself away with the last line. Women like you think that getting and staying married is the ultimate prize. For many of us, marriage, without an equal relationship, is a booby prize and we'd just as well be single mothers rather than having to treat our husbands as incapable children.

For most people, marriage, like friendships or business relationships, can follow many milestones of compromises. I don't really know of long friendships or business relationships that are grounded in the principle of equality.
If equality is the only framework for a relationship, that relationship will be ephemeral.

I think the 34 years of marriage PP would describe her marital relationship as featuring many compromises. Which is not unlike relationships we have with our siblings, parents, children, colleagues, even old friends. Seriously, who would describe such relationships as grounded in equality?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been married five years. The first two or three years I spent countless hours picking out the prefect presents (presents!) for my husband's five (FIVE) siblings, all of their spouses and all of their kids. His family is huge on Christmas and presents and mine isn't so I thought it was fun.

Then one year I got one present total from his family: a cookbook for dogs. A dog cookbook.

I stopped and never looked back.

Please tell us you don’t have a dog lol!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After a horrific blow up last spring in which I was blamed and made the scapegoat. In the summer I said to him, no more. I don’t mind seeing them but you will do 100% of the hosting and need to be home for 100% of their visit- taking off work if necessary.

Therefore, for the holidays this year we are:

Not seeing or hosting them (he never planned it)

Not exchanging adult gifts (he decided he didn’t want to do it despite me saying that for years)

Also, he was in charge of giving them all the kids gift ideas as they want specific links to things to buy for the kids and want to chose from the options. He keeps complaining about this and it’s unclear if he’s done it as of today (I have provided these links the last 13 years).

I feel so free and happier than I have been in years! Why didn’t I do this earlier?!

I will one day advise my adult daughter- do not do the work for the husbands family, make him step up and do it. You cannot win. If you do it well, no one seems to care and you have just done a ton of work. If you mess up, you’ll be criticized. None of this is good for your marriage or yourself.

I have been married for 34 years, so take my opinions as you will. 55 years old. Adult kids and now grandkids. The advise you plan to give your daughter sucks. My husband's family IS my family. My family IS his family. To be honest, you sound kinda awful. The kind of behaviors you listed do not bode well for a long, happy marriage. Be sure to prepare for life as a single mother in case I'm right.

You give yourself away with the last line. Women like you think that getting and staying married is the ultimate prize. For many of us, marriage, without an equal relationship, is a booby prize and we'd just as well be single mothers rather than having to treat our husbands as incapable children.

For most people, marriage, like friendships or business relationships, can follow many milestones of compromises. I don't really know of long friendships or business relationships that are grounded in the principle of equality.
If equality is the only framework for a relationship, that relationship will be ephemeral.

I think the 34 years of marriage PP would describe her marital relationship as featuring many compromises. Which is not unlike relationships we have with our siblings, parents, children, colleagues, even old friends. Seriously, who would describe such relationships as grounded in equality?

You are confusing relationships that unlike marital partnerships (e.g., parents/children, colleagues) so it's difficult to take your comments seriously.
How about you substitute reciprocity for equality? Frankly, you are using a lot of words to justify keeping a crummy status quo that one partner does not want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been married five years. The first two or three years I spent countless hours picking out the prefect presents (presents!) for my husband's five (FIVE) siblings, all of their spouses and all of their kids. His family is huge on Christmas and presents and mine isn't so I thought it was fun.

Then one year I got one present total from his family: a cookbook for dogs. A dog cookbook.

I stopped and never looked back.

So sorry! I laughed out loud at the dog cookbook

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like this was a good decision for you personally, but what effect does this have on your kids? Will they now get unwanted gifts from the in-laws? Will their relationship with them suffer.

In my extended family one of my nephews wives does a similar divide and conquer with her husband. The net result is that we rarely get to see those kids. Her family gets a massive amount of time and access. Over time the relationship and respect towards that family has deteriorated. It’s unfortunate because we love them dearly but rarely get to see those kids. I see my other nieces and nephews and their children regularly. It’s a close and functional family but there is always this undercurrent of tension.

That's on your nephew, not his wife.

You are absolutely correct. It’s my nephew who is primarily at fault here. But the reality is that he is working crazy hours and traveling constantly and has little time. His wife has much more flexibility to make these kinds of things happen. She is the stay at home. It is not her “fault”. But the net result is the same. We rarely see them. It’s easy to say the obvious things that she is not responsible. And she isn’t. But it’s the kids that miss out.

You are still blaming the niece? It is plain as day that your nephew does not care that his kids have no relationship with you and your family. He does not care.

Unfortunately, that’s the conclusion that we have all reached over time. We are not a priority. My other nieces and nephews make much more effort. And like many things in life, you get out of it what you put into it.

My kids are older - in their twenties and it gives me great comfort to know that there are other people in this world who care about them and would help them if needed. I do not have any extended family. (All murdered in the holocaust). And I can see how my kids have a sense of belonging that I never had growing up. Fortunately, my husband’s extended family has been very kind to my kids. I think my nephew (and his wife) are making a big mistake.

PP, they are making a big mistake. And unfortunately, it will probably be many years and possibly too late to rectify before they recognize this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After a horrific blow up last spring in which I was blamed and made the scapegoat. In the summer I said to him, no more. I don’t mind seeing them but you will do 100% of the hosting and need to be home for 100% of their visit- taking off work if necessary.

Therefore, for the holidays this year we are:

Not seeing or hosting them (he never planned it)

Not exchanging adult gifts (he decided he didn’t want to do it despite me saying that for years)

Also, he was in charge of giving them all the kids gift ideas as they want specific links to things to buy for the kids and want to chose from the options. He keeps complaining about this and it’s unclear if he’s done it as of today (I have provided these links the last 13 years).

I feel so free and happier than I have been in years! Why didn’t I do this earlier?!

I will one day advise my adult daughter- do not do the work for the husbands family, make him step up and do it. You cannot win. If you do it well, no one seems to care and you have just done a ton of work. If you mess up, you’ll be criticized. None of this is good for your marriage or yourself.

I have been married for 34 years, so take my opinions as you will. 55 years old. Adult kids and now grandkids. The advise you plan to give your daughter sucks. My husband's family IS my family. My family IS his family. To be honest, you sound kinda awful. The kind of behaviors you listed do not bode well for a long, happy marriage. Be sure to prepare for life as a single mother in case I'm right.

You give yourself away with the last line. Women like you think that getting and staying married is the ultimate prize. For many of us, marriage, without an equal relationship, is a booby prize and we'd just as well be single mothers rather than having to treat our husbands as incapable children.

Ick. Go away. You sound petulant and very selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like this was a good decision for you personally, but what effect does this have on your kids? Will they now get unwanted gifts from the in-laws? Will their relationship with them suffer.

In my extended family one of my nephews wives does a similar divide and conquer with her husband. The net result is that we rarely get to see those kids. Her family gets a massive amount of time and access. Over time the relationship and respect towards that family has deteriorated. It’s unfortunate because we love them dearly but rarely get to see those kids. I see my other nieces and nephews and their children regularly. It’s a close and functional family but there is always this undercurrent of tension.

That's on your nephew, not his wife.

You are absolutely correct. It’s my nephew who is primarily at fault here. But the reality is that he is working crazy hours and traveling constantly and has little time. His wife has much more flexibility to make these kinds of things happen. She is the stay at home. It is not her “fault”. But the net result is the same. We rarely see them. It’s easy to say the obvious things that she is not responsible. And she isn’t. But it’s the kids that miss out.

You are still blaming the niece? It is plain as day that your nephew does not care that his kids have no relationship with you and your family. He does not care.

Unfortunately, that’s the conclusion that we have all reached over time. We are not a priority. My other nieces and nephews make much more effort. And like many things in life, you get out of it what you put into it.

My kids are older - in their twenties and it gives me great comfort to know that there are other people in this world who care about them and would help them if needed. I do not have any extended family. (All murdered in the holocaust). And I can see how my kids have a sense of belonging that I never had growing up. Fortunately, my husband’s extended family has been very kind to my kids. I think my nephew (and his wife) are making a big mistake.

PP, they are making a big mistake. And unfortunately, it will probably be many years and possibly too late to rectify before they recognize this.

Why? They’re making a “big mistake” because they haven’t cultivated nephew’s extended family as a support system or something? Shrug. Likely niece-in-law’s extended family is their community, as is neighbors/friends. My SIL and her wife live in California and don’t have much connection with DH’s parents, DH, or me/our kids. I wish we were physically and emotionally closer to them, but I don’t see it as a “big mistake”—they live close to SIL’s wife’s family and have an awesome community of friends, neighbors, and co-workers. Their kids’ biological father is a dear friend of theirs, and his family is involved, too. They have a community. They’re not lacking anything. They don’t shut out my ILs or DH, they just aren’t naturally as regularly in touch, and TBH my husband doesn’t call his sister very often. It is what it is, but it’s not a “big mistake.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like this was a good decision for you personally, but what effect does this have on your kids? Will they now get unwanted gifts from the in-laws? Will their relationship with them suffer.

In my extended family one of my nephews wives does a similar divide and conquer with her husband. The net result is that we rarely get to see those kids. Her family gets a massive amount of time and access. Over time the relationship and respect towards that family has deteriorated. It’s unfortunate because we love them dearly but rarely get to see those kids. I see my other nieces and nephews and their children regularly. It’s a close and functional family but there is always this undercurrent of tension.

That's on your nephew, not his wife.

You are absolutely correct. It’s my nephew who is primarily at fault here. But the reality is that he is working crazy hours and traveling constantly and has little time. His wife has much more flexibility to make these kinds of things happen. She is the stay at home. It is not her “fault”. But the net result is the same. We rarely see them. It’s easy to say the obvious things that she is not responsible. And she isn’t. But it’s the kids that miss out.

You are still blaming the niece? It is plain as day that your nephew does not care that his kids have no relationship with you and your family. He does not care.

Unfortunately, that’s the conclusion that we have all reached over time. We are not a priority. My other nieces and nephews make much more effort. And like many things in life, you get out of it what you put into it.

My kids are older - in their twenties and it gives me great comfort to know that there are other people in this world who care about them and would help them if needed. I do not have any extended family. (All murdered in the holocaust). And I can see how my kids have a sense of belonging that I never had growing up. Fortunately, my husband’s extended family has been very kind to my kids. I think my nephew (and his wife) are making a big mistake.

PP, they are making a big mistake. And unfortunately, it will probably be many years and possibly too late to rectify before they recognize this.

Why? They’re making a “big mistake” because they haven’t cultivated nephew’s extended family as a support system or something? Shrug. Likely niece-in-law’s extended family is their community, as is neighbors/friends. My SIL and her wife live in California and don’t have much connection with DH’s parents, DH, or me/our kids. I wish we were physically and emotionally closer to them, but I don’t see it as a “big mistake”—they live close to SIL’s wife’s family and have an awesome community of friends, neighbors, and co-workers. Their kids’ biological father is a dear friend of theirs, and his family is involved, too. They have a community. They’re not lacking anything. They don’t shut out my ILs or DH, they just aren’t naturally as regularly in touch, and TBH my husband doesn’t call his sister very often. It is what it is, but it’s not a “big mistake.”

I agree with this. Besides my mom, we are much much closer to the community we have built here. They are the people who help us out and who we can rely on. Not the far away family who we hardly see and quite honestly don’t have much interest in. Why force that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like this was a good decision for you personally, but what effect does this have on your kids? Will they now get unwanted gifts from the in-laws? Will their relationship with them suffer.

In my extended family one of my nephews wives does a similar divide and conquer with her husband. The net result is that we rarely get to see those kids. Her family gets a massive amount of time and access. Over time the relationship and respect towards that family has deteriorated. It’s unfortunate because we love them dearly but rarely get to see those kids. I see my other nieces and nephews and their children regularly. It’s a close and functional family but there is always this undercurrent of tension.

That's on your nephew, not his wife.

You are absolutely correct. It’s my nephew who is primarily at fault here. But the reality is that he is working crazy hours and traveling constantly and has little time. His wife has much more flexibility to make these kinds of things happen. She is the stay at home. It is not her “fault”. But the net result is the same. We rarely see them. It’s easy to say the obvious things that she is not responsible. And she isn’t. But it’s the kids that miss out.

You are still blaming the niece? It is plain as day that your nephew does not care that his kids have no relationship with you and your family. He does not care.

If the nephew’s wife is SAH then yes the responsibility really should be hers. It’s sort of part of the deal. If he’s busting his buns to support her and the family she can reach out on his behalf.

As a former SAH who divorced her do-nothing husband, I have to say I kind of agree that a SAH wife is in the position of facilitatinging the family holiday experience.
I didn't like having it ALL dumped on me when I was married, but I now that I am divorced and holidays have to be split evenly, I make sure that the kids see his family and even cut into what should be my holiday time if there are special events on his side of the family. I make sure the kids get their dad a gift, but actually doing things for his family is in his purview. I'm not preventing anything, but making sure to give him the space - he could NEVER complain that I usurped any holiday time.

I'm not doing this for him or his family but for my kids. I want my kids to know that I support their relationships with extended family. What kind of mother would I be if I didn't? In no way do I want my kids to look at me in 10 years and think - mom alienated us from dad's family.

The split in duties between one parent and a SAHP is a negotiation. How you do it may not be the way someone else does it. The important thing is that roles/responsibilities are agreed upon, not assumed.

I also have to call out your internalized misogyny. If your XDH shared custody of your kids, as long as you aren't bad mouthing his relatives, you are not alienating your kids from them. HE is responsible for ensuring they have a relationship with HIS family. Just because you are female, does NOT make YOU responsible. You should better ensure your kids don't incorporate this misogyny into their mindset by holding you responsible for their father's responsibilites. Is your XDH as concerned about the relationship your kids have with your side of the family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like this was a good decision for you personally, but what effect does this have on your kids? Will they now get unwanted gifts from the in-laws? Will their relationship with them suffer.

In my extended family one of my nephews wives does a similar divide and conquer with her husband. The net result is that we rarely get to see those kids. Her family gets a massive amount of time and access. Over time the relationship and respect towards that family has deteriorated. It’s unfortunate because we love them dearly but rarely get to see those kids. I see my other nieces and nephews and their children regularly. It’s a close and functional family but there is always this undercurrent of tension.

That's on your nephew, not his wife.

You are absolutely correct. It’s my nephew who is primarily at fault here. But the reality is that he is working crazy hours and traveling constantly and has little time. His wife has much more flexibility to make these kinds of things happen. She is the stay at home. It is not her “fault”. But the net result is the same. We rarely see them. It’s easy to say the obvious things that she is not responsible. And she isn’t. But it’s the kids that miss out.

You are still blaming the niece? It is plain as day that your nephew does not care that his kids have no relationship with you and your family. He does not care.

Unfortunately, that’s the conclusion that we have all reached over time. We are not a priority. My other nieces and nephews make much more effort. And like many things in life, you get out of it what you put into it.

My kids are older - in their twenties and it gives me great comfort to know that there are other people in this world who care about them and would help them if needed. I do not have any extended family. (All murdered in the holocaust). And I can see how my kids have a sense of belonging that I never had growing up. Fortunately, my husband’s extended family has been very kind to my kids. I think my nephew (and his wife) are making a big mistake.

PP, they are making a big mistake. And unfortunately, it will probably be many years and possibly too late to rectify before they recognize this.

Or the nephew is just not that in to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honest question. Do single men just never see their families? Without a wife to set up visits will be single men never see their mothers again

When dh was single (early 20s), he just drove home for Christmas. He didn't buy presents, make food to bring, or have to pack up kids. He's helpful and would cook with his mom in the kitchen and do dishes, but all the "hosting" and planning was on her.

Fast forward and it takes hours to pack up the kids to stay with my inlaws. He can't be relied upon to do any of that. I actually burst into tears because he made so much fun of "all the stuff we brought" over Thanksgiving break. We have 3 kids, including a baby who sleeps in a pack n play. They need snow gear for playing in the snow and they do like to change into new clothes every single day (shocking!). It's so hard to travel and I'm dreading Christmas. Purchasing presents and wrapping them for my inlaws is actually enjoyable for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After a horrific blow up last spring in which I was blamed and made the scapegoat. In the summer I said to him, no more. I don’t mind seeing them but you will do 100% of the hosting and need to be home for 100% of their visit- taking off work if necessary.

Therefore, for the holidays this year we are:

Not seeing or hosting them (he never planned it)

Not exchanging adult gifts (he decided he didn’t want to do it despite me saying that for years)

Also, he was in charge of giving them all the kids gift ideas as they want specific links to things to buy for the kids and want to chose from the options. He keeps complaining about this and it’s unclear if he’s done it as of today (I have provided these links the last 13 years).

I feel so free and happier than I have been in years! Why didn’t I do this earlier?!

I will one day advise my adult daughter- do not do the work for the husbands family, make him step up and do it. You cannot win. If you do it well, no one seems to care and you have just done a ton of work. If you mess up, you’ll be criticized. None of this is good for your marriage or yourself.

I have been married for 34 years, so take my opinions as you will. 55 years old. Adult kids and now grandkids. The advise you plan to give your daughter sucks. My husband's family IS my family. My family IS his family. To be honest, you sound kinda awful. The kind of behaviors you listed do not bode well for a long, happy marriage. Be sure to prepare for life as a single mother in case I'm right.

You give yourself away with the last line. Women like you think that getting and staying married is the ultimate prize. For many of us, marriage, without an equal relationship, is a booby prize and we'd just as well be single mothers rather than having to treat our husbands as incapable children.

Ick. Go away. You sound petulant and very selfish.

I do not think you know what those words mean . . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like this was a good decision for you personally, but what effect does this have on your kids? Will they now get unwanted gifts from the in-laws? Will their relationship with them suffer.

In my extended family one of my nephews wives does a similar divide and conquer with her husband. The net result is that we rarely get to see those kids. Her family gets a massive amount of time and access. Over time the relationship and respect towards that family has deteriorated. It’s unfortunate because we love them dearly but rarely get to see those kids. I see my other nieces and nephews and their children regularly. It’s a close and functional family but there is always this undercurrent of tension.

Why is that the OP’s problem??

Good for you, OP! I did the same when my kids were younger and shocker: my DH didn’t pick up any of the physical or emotional labor. That has, indeed, resulted in a less close relationship with his side of the family but how/why am I supposed to do everything for both sides?!?!

There’s that ridiculous ohrase again - “emotional labor”. Gag! Stop with that nonsense. Maintaining relationships is not “liabor”. I’m not saying you have to put the work into his side of the family but that term you keep using is utter crap.

Since it's so easy, why don't you do it for her then?

My dh doesn't even know if/when we're visiting his parents (who are a 3 hour drive away) over the Christmas holidays. Yes, Christmas is in 6 days. His family could help him by picking up the phone and calling but they won't. He's slammed. I work even longer hours, make more money, and have already planned everything else for our family and kids. No way am I adding to my burden.

Your first comment is just childish. You sound like a toddler.

As for the rest, we’ll then sure. If YOU are carrying the bigger load with money and career, yes HE should do the “emotional labor” more. See how it works? It’s called team work.

So just to be clear, you judge the amount of work someone is doing by the amount of money they make doing it?

I judged YOUR comments on YOUR situation.

OK, first of all, I'm a different poster -- there are more than one of us here who disagree with you.

Second of all, you said:

If YOU are carrying the bigger load with money and career, yes HE should do the “emotional labor” more. See how it works? It’s called team work

I want to know if you mean that money/career = the bigger load.

It says “bigger load with money and career”. The indication is that if there is a SAH partner, that partner should take on more of the domestic duties of which “emotional labor” tends to traditionally fall under. That division of the family responsibilities - one partner more career/money, the other more domestic- is as old as time. No where did I say that money/ career =the bigger load of the responsibilities. That was what YOU read into it. What YOU wanted to see. The work is pretty evenly divided. And that division of labor obviously looks different when both partners are working. I am only commenting on the SAH partner situation.

It's weird that you think you get to decide how a family with a SAHP divides up the labor. Do you also have strong feelings on who does the taxes or mows the lawn?

I seem to have touched a nerve. Go have a cup of tea and relax.

LOL! Who else had “I Touched A Nerve” on their predictable PP Bingo Card? I did, right underneath “You’re Just Jealous.”

I’m pissed - I have a “tell me I touched a nerve without telling me I touched a nerve” on my card. So close!!!

That counts! You can still cross that one off!
also acceptable:
"ooh looks like that hit close to home"

It's right next to "School isn't childcare" on my card.