This is the first year in 13 years that I have completely dropped the rope with DH’s family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After a horrific blow up last spring in which I was blamed and made the scapegoat. In the summer I said to him, no more. I don’t mind seeing them but you will do 100% of the hosting and need to be home for 100% of their visit- taking off work if necessary.

Therefore, for the holidays this year we are:

Not seeing or hosting them (he never planned it)

Not exchanging adult gifts (he decided he didn’t want to do it despite me saying that for years)

Also, he was in charge of giving them all the kids gift ideas as they want specific links to things to buy for the kids and want to chose from the options. He keeps complaining about this and it’s unclear if he’s done it as of today (I have provided these links the last 13 years).

I feel so free and happier than I have been in years! Why didn’t I do this earlier?!

I will one day advise my adult daughter- do not do the work for the husbands family, make him step up and do it. You cannot win. If you do it well, no one seems to care and you have just done a ton of work. If you mess up, you’ll be criticized. None of this is good for your marriage or yourself.

I have been married for 34 years, so take my opinions as you will. 55 years old. Adult kids and now grandkids. The advise you plan to give your daughter sucks. My husband's family IS my family. My family IS his family. To be honest, you sound kinda awful. The kind of behaviors you listed do not bode well for a long, happy marriage. Be sure to prepare for life as a single mother in case I'm right.

You give yourself away with the last line. Women like you think that getting and staying married is the ultimate prize. For many of us, marriage, without an equal relationship, is a booby prize and we'd just as well be single mothers rather than having to treat our husbands as incapable children.

“You give yourself away”? What does that mean?

You post one thing but really mean another. The poster makes it sound like this is about recognizing family, but she is worried about ending up alone.

...because she got married at 21 and has no options but to do her husband's bidding.
But she feels confident enough to provide marriage advice here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After a horrific blow up last spring in which I was blamed and made the scapegoat. In the summer I said to him, no more. I don’t mind seeing them but you will do 100% of the hosting and need to be home for 100% of their visit- taking off work if necessary.

Therefore, for the holidays this year we are:

Not seeing or hosting them (he never planned it)

Not exchanging adult gifts (he decided he didn’t want to do it despite me saying that for years)

Also, he was in charge of giving them all the kids gift ideas as they want specific links to things to buy for the kids and want to chose from the options. He keeps complaining about this and it’s unclear if he’s done it as of today (I have provided these links the last 13 years).

I feel so free and happier than I have been in years! Why didn’t I do this earlier?!

I will one day advise my adult daughter- do not do the work for the husbands family, make him step up and do it. You cannot win. If you do it well, no one seems to care and you have just done a ton of work. If you mess up, you’ll be criticized. None of this is good for your marriage or yourself.

You seem obsessed with trying to see if anyone notices .. or cares. They don’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After a horrific blow up last spring in which I was blamed and made the scapegoat. In the summer I said to him, no more. I don’t mind seeing them but you will do 100% of the hosting and need to be home for 100% of their visit- taking off work if necessary.

Therefore, for the holidays this year we are:

Not seeing or hosting them (he never planned it)

Not exchanging adult gifts (he decided he didn’t want to do it despite me saying that for years)

Also, he was in charge of giving them all the kids gift ideas as they want specific links to things to buy for the kids and want to chose from the options. He keeps complaining about this and it’s unclear if he’s done it as of today (I have provided these links the last 13 years).

I feel so free and happier than I have been in years! Why didn’t I do this earlier?!

I will one day advise my adult daughter- do not do the work for the husbands family, make him step up and do it. You cannot win. If you do it well, no one seems to care and you have just done a ton of work. If you mess up, you’ll be criticized. None of this is good for your marriage or yourself.

You seem obsessed with trying to see if anyone notices .. or cares. They don’t.

I mean, I think my mil notices that she is getting no gifts this year from her sons family and that she is not seeing her son or grandchildren?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After a horrific blow up last spring in which I was blamed and made the scapegoat. In the summer I said to him, no more. I don’t mind seeing them but you will do 100% of the hosting and need to be home for 100% of their visit- taking off work if necessary.

Therefore, for the holidays this year we are:

Not seeing or hosting them (he never planned it)

Not exchanging adult gifts (he decided he didn’t want to do it despite me saying that for years)

Also, he was in charge of giving them all the kids gift ideas as they want specific links to things to buy for the kids and want to chose from the options. He keeps complaining about this and it’s unclear if he’s done it as of today (I have provided these links the last 13 years).

I feel so free and happier than I have been in years! Why didn’t I do this earlier?!

I will one day advise my adult daughter- do not do the work for the husbands family, make him step up and do it. You cannot win. If you do it well, no one seems to care and you have just done a ton of work. If you mess up, you’ll be criticized. None of this is good for your marriage or yourself.

I have been married for 34 years, so take my opinions as you will. 55 years old. Adult kids and now grandkids. The advise you plan to give your daughter sucks. My husband's family IS my family. My family IS his family. To be honest, you sound kinda awful. The kind of behaviors you listed do not bode well for a long, happy marriage. Be sure to prepare for life as a single mother in case I'm right.

You give yourself away with the last line. Women like you think that getting and staying married is the ultimate prize. For many of us, marriage, without an equal relationship, is a booby prize and we'd just as well be single mothers rather than having to treat our husbands as incapable children.

Ick. Go away. You sound petulant and very selfish.

PP sounds right on. If I wanted another kid to boss around, I'd have one. My DH is a grown man and is capable of handling his own family for the holidays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like this was a good decision for you personally, but what effect does this have on your kids? Will they now get unwanted gifts from the in-laws? Will their relationship with them suffer.

In my extended family one of my nephews wives does a similar divide and conquer with her husband. The net result is that we rarely get to see those kids. Her family gets a massive amount of time and access. Over time the relationship and respect towards that family has deteriorated. It’s unfortunate because we love them dearly but rarely get to see those kids. I see my other nieces and nephews and their children regularly. It’s a close and functional family but there is always this undercurrent of tension.

Then blame your nephew!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like this was a good decision for you personally, but what effect does this have on your kids? Will they now get unwanted gifts from the in-laws? Will their relationship with them suffer.

In my extended family one of my nephews wives does a similar divide and conquer with her husband. The net result is that we rarely get to see those kids. Her family gets a massive amount of time and access. Over time the relationship and respect towards that family has deteriorated. It’s unfortunate because we love them dearly but rarely get to see those kids. I see my other nieces and nephews and their children regularly. It’s a close and functional family but there is always this undercurrent of tension.

I love how you blame the WIFE but not the person you should. YOUR NEPHEW IS TO BLAME.

+100

The man is at fault. He has a brain, supposedly, and could use it if he wished. But, he doesn't want to do that. Or maybe he doesn't like you guys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been married five years. The first two or three years I spent countless hours picking out the prefect presents (presents!) for my husband's five (FIVE) siblings, all of their spouses and all of their kids. His family is huge on Christmas and presents and mine isn't so I thought it was fun.

Then one year I got one present total from his family: a cookbook for dogs. A dog cookbook.

I stopped and never looked back.

This wins. What an awful gift.

[Anonymous]

It honestly never occurred to me to do all the holiday shopping. 34, married 8 years, 2 kids. I like my in laws but it just seemed obvious that we would buy gifts for our own families of origin as we know them better and should have a better sense of what they want.

[Anonymous]

Lol I did this from day 1. We’re coming up on our 18th anniversary soon and still very happy. You gotta train them early!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After a horrific blow up last spring in which I was blamed and made the scapegoat. In the summer I said to him, no more. I don’t mind seeing them but you will do 100% of the hosting and need to be home for 100% of their visit- taking off work if necessary.

Therefore, for the holidays this year we are:

Not seeing or hosting them (he never planned it)

Not exchanging adult gifts (he decided he didn’t want to do it despite me saying that for years)

Also, he was in charge of giving them all the kids gift ideas as they want specific links to things to buy for the kids and want to chose from the options. He keeps complaining about this and it’s unclear if he’s done it as of today (I have provided these links the last 13 years).

I feel so free and happier than I have been in years! Why didn’t I do this earlier?!

I will one day advise my adult daughter- do not do the work for the husbands family, make him step up and do it. You cannot win. If you do it well, no one seems to care and you have just done a ton of work. If you mess up, you’ll be criticized. None of this is good for your marriage or yourself.

You seem obsessed with trying to see if anyone notices .. or cares. They don’t.

I mean, I think my mil notices that she is getting no gifts this year from her sons family and that she is not seeing her son or grandchildren?

Who cares? Not me! That’s for my H to worry about.

[Anonymous]

This thread makes me very happy. The truth is that women force each other to do things that are nice to do if you like doing them but nothing like required. DH enjoys the benefits but would never put in like effort himself. DW gets fed up and stops. DH does nothing. Kids learn the valuable lesson that Mom is not responsible for everything. I do what I like and no more. I do not feel obligated to prepare a feast or spend any time in stores shopping.

I like sending cards. I don't mind ordering them, writing out addresses and greetings, buying stamps and taking them to the post office. But I really mind having to badger DH for the addresses of the contacts and friends he wants to add to the list. So I do the 50 that are top priority for me and send him the list of cards sent out. When he asks, "Do we need to...?" I tell him, "I am done with all the cards I'm going to do. Envelopes and stamps are on your desk."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After a horrific blow up last spring in which I was blamed and made the scapegoat. In the summer I said to him, no more. I don’t mind seeing them but you will do 100% of the hosting and need to be home for 100% of their visit- taking off work if necessary.

Therefore, for the holidays this year we are:

Not seeing or hosting them (he never planned it)

Not exchanging adult gifts (he decided he didn’t want to do it despite me saying that for years)

Also, he was in charge of giving them all the kids gift ideas as they want specific links to things to buy for the kids and want to chose from the options. He keeps complaining about this and it’s unclear if he’s done it as of today (I have provided these links the last 13 years).

I feel so free and happier than I have been in years! Why didn’t I do this earlier?!

I will one day advise my adult daughter- do not do the work for the husbands family, make him step up and do it. You cannot win. If you do it well, no one seems to care and you have just done a ton of work. If you mess up, you’ll be criticized. None of this is good for your marriage or yourself.

You seem obsessed with trying to see if anyone notices .. or cares. They don’t.

I mean, I think my mil notices that she is getting no gifts this year from her sons family and that she is not seeing her son or grandchildren?

Who cares? Not me! That’s for my H to worry about.

Yes! Been doing this since Day One (back in the 90s, so no, this isn’t a new thing).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honest question. Do single men just never see their families? Without a wife to set up visits will be single men never see their mothers again

When dh was single (early 20s), he just drove home for Christmas. He didn't buy presents, make food to bring, or have to pack up kids. He's helpful and would cook with his mom in the kitchen and do dishes, but all the "hosting" and planning was on her.

Fast forward and it takes hours to pack up the kids to stay with my inlaws. He can't be relied upon to do any of that. I actually burst into tears because he made so much fun of "all the stuff we brought" over Thanksgiving break. We have 3 kids, including a baby who sleeps in a pack n play. They need snow gear for playing in the snow and they do like to change into new clothes every single day (shocking!). It's so hard to travel and I'm dreading Christmas. Purchasing presents and wrapping them for my inlaws is actually enjoyable for me.

I have a hard time understanding how a woman puts up with this. Does your DH have the upper hand big time? Are you scared of him physically? I ask because if my husband ever dared to make fun of me for kids stuff after I did the packing, I would never pack again. I would seriously go to the car and let him figure out that he should have packed and organized.

Granted we have a decent marriage and my husband does 50/50 at home. I can’t help but judge a little that you’re doing everything in advance of a trip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honest question. Do single men just never see their families? Without a wife to set up visits will be single men never see their mothers again

When dh was single (early 20s), he just drove home for Christmas. He didn't buy presents, make food to bring, or have to pack up kids. He's helpful and would cook with his mom in the kitchen and do dishes, but all the "hosting" and planning was on her.

Fast forward and it takes hours to pack up the kids to stay with my inlaws. He can't be relied upon to do any of that. I actually burst into tears because he made so much fun of "all the stuff we brought" over Thanksgiving break. We have 3 kids, including a baby who sleeps in a pack n play. They need snow gear for playing in the snow and they do like to change into new clothes every single day (shocking!). It's so hard to travel and I'm dreading Christmas. Purchasing presents and wrapping them for my inlaws is actually enjoyable for me.

I have a hard time understanding how a woman puts up with this. Does your DH have the upper hand big time? Are you scared of him physically? I ask because if my husband ever dared to make fun of me for kids stuff after I did the packing, I would never pack again. I would seriously go to the car and let him figure out that he should have packed and organized.

Granted we have a decent marriage and my husband does 50/50 at home. I can’t help but judge a little that you’re doing everything in advance of a trip.

DP - I'm judging that not she is doing everything in advance of the trip but that she is doing everything in advance of the trip when she does not want to and feels so unsupported by her DH that she reads the comment as mean teasing.

[Anonymous]

I only give money to everyone. I have no desire to buy gifts for anyone. I also do not want any gifts. Not even reciprocal.

I am happy to give and be done with it.