Wife Wants To Be A SAHM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This seems trolly. No one gets a weekly massage and facial.

I think someone made the whole thing up just to get a bunch of pages. If the troll is savvy as to what sets off DCUM folks the pages just rack up, as they did here.

And nobody who has had a job believes they don’t need a budget. Definitely a troll.

OP here. She think we can manage easily on my income and our current savings and investments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This seems trolly. No one gets a weekly massage and facial.

I’ve known people who have done this. And I thought it was insane. I do think the post is trolly too though.

OP here. She has been getting weekly massages for the past decade. She has genetic nerve issues that give her neck and lower back pain. She also does physical therapy and chiropractor care for it. I mistook facials as other things. She gets like body scrubs, hot stone massages, aromatherapy, etc., with massages.

I understand the massages are for health reasons. But with regard to the other stuff she is a mother now quitting her job to be with her child, not a woman just living her life. I live in Bethesda and know lots of wealthy women, and I SAH. I literally know NO ONE who gets weekly facial/body scrub/ aromatherapy etc. That is truly excessive (and I do get my hair highlighted every 6 weeks and have nice things). That might be something she does when she is young and childless, but you and she should know that is not only not typical, even very wealthy people don't do that. I know many people who get regular manicures. However Pedicures, which are more expensive do not need to be as frequent, especially in winter. Try every 4 weeks in winter for the pedicure. I am also a PP who said- who is watching the baby when she is getting all this stuff done?

A body scrub and/or facial more than a couple times a year is a true luxury- Most people in Bethesda/Potomac that I know do not get these more than a few times a year. Your original post asked a question, and people are giving answers, but you are very defensive about some of these choices too.

Get rid of the food service and scale back the facials/scrubs to a couple times a year. Pedicures every 4 weeks in winter. Then keep all the rest and assess whether you can manage financially.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This seems trolly. No one gets a weekly massage and facial.

I think someone made the whole thing up just to get a bunch of pages. If the troll is savvy as to what sets off DCUM folks the pages just rack up, as they did here.

And nobody who has had a job believes they don’t need a budget. Definitely a troll.

OP here. She think we can manage easily on my income and our current savings and investments.

I am the last PP who has weighed in a couple times. I have older kids. They don't get cheaper. You are not going to want to live off savings and investments, especially if you want to buy a house! And what if a kid ends up with special needs? Or needs therapies/tutors? (ask me how I know- these things are very expensive). Again, you are very defensive here. You need to cut some of these fixed luxuries to make this week. These are not normal fixed expenses for most women I know.

[Anonymous]

what I think is going on here is that you two were a DINK couple that made a fair amount of money (300k) and you developed certain habits that didn't seem and aren't really excessive at that level of income. what you will learn now is that kids are extremely expensive and that your existing income is modest for a family in this area. the biggest problem are the real estate and the schools but you are not yet there. reducing income when you are growing your family will necessitate a major shift in your spending habits. you are parents now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It’s been a busy day with work and I haven’t had the time to check this.

I don’t think my wife is high maintenance. She does like massages and looking nice, but she is not into fancy designer or materialistic things. She does have weekly massages because she has some genetic nerve issues that cause neck and lower back pain. The facials she gets are not necessary - apparently facials aren’t the same thing as body scrubs, etc., but she gets one of these done each week. Nails and toes done every two weeks. Hair done every 6 weeks.
I’m okay with these.

What I’m not okay with is the meal subscriptions that we hardly use. Hello Fresh sucks honestly and many of the shipments come with bad food. Daily Harvest is not worth the money for what you get. We can get cuts of meat cheaper at Whole Foods or Costco than Butcher Box. I would be fine if we cut these expenses that are about $1000/month.

We don’t live in DC and can afford our lifestyle on my salary alone. We do have a large savings accounts that we can dip into. My main concern still is the economy and going down to one income. We plan to have a second child fairly soon. We haven’t everything we need for infants but kids need a lot of stuff. I will try to talk to my wife again and get her to see we need to cut these items.

Oh, if you live in a LCOL, then luxeries like massages may be fine.

As for the meal boxes, show her this, and you at least will drop one of them: https://www.npr.org/2022/06/22/1106650999/daily-harvest-lentils-leek-food-poisoning-recall-instagram-statement

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much do you make, op? That would change my answer.

OP here. I make a little under $200k a year. $180k + bonus.

Omg. OP!! You can't afford for her to be a stay at home mom. We earn more than that and feel very broke in an old split level home outside the beltway. Your monthly expenses are about to go through the roof too. Wife needs to live like the middle class folk she is and put kid in daycare. You cannot afford a nanny! What universe is your wife in with meal service, massage services, 50k/year nanny, SAHM. Maybe if you earned 400-500k!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This seems trolly. No one gets a weekly massage and facial.

I think someone made the whole thing up just to get a bunch of pages. If the troll is savvy as to what sets off DCUM folks the pages just rack up, as they did here.

And nobody who has had a job believes they don’t need a budget. Definitely a troll.

OP here. She think we can manage easily on my income and our current savings and investments.

Your wife is delusional. As others have said, kids get more expensive. Kid #1 will need preschool and enrichment activities. So will Baby #2 when they arrive and get older. I work and pay for the kids' private school and $$$ activities, as well as my own personal spending. $200k is just not very much for that kind of lifestyle where your family gets so many food deliveries and she gets massages weekly. Not to mention the babysitter she'd need for those hours getting massages, manicures, and haircuts so often. It's stupid to blow all your savings... on doing what? Spending 50k on a nanny a year is still 50k of income where she can continue her weekly massages. We're not talking about a teacher that only makes 50k, so paying for childcare would be handing over most of a paycheck.

Get over your fear about daycare or pay the nanny $30/hour if you can even find one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Btdt: she should work part-time to keep foot in the door
2. I thought nanny share was where nanny would work for you 2 days and someone else 3 days. You paid her for your two days and they paid for their 3 days and you didn’t necessarily have to interact. At end of year you gave her W2 for amount you paid and other family gives W2 for amount they paid. Each family is responsible for the taxes, etc. on the amount they pay. Am I wrong? You aren’t one joint employer.
3. To have the discussion, you need to look at ALL expenses (including yours) and decide what are necessities and what can be given up. You said you are older parents. Do you have sufficient life insurance on both of you? Does she get health insurance through her job or yours? Have you planned for college?
4. Sounds like you both would like to move to a house soon. Interest rates have almost doubled so your buying power is less unless you can pay in cash. You may need to stay in your condo much longer than anticipated. Are you comfortable with the schools?
5. You said you cook. Do you cook the items from the meal services? If not, who does and when do they get eaten? It seems like if you cook (and are willing to grocery shop), this is something you can mutually agree to drop.

We've done nanny shares a few different ways. It can be a great flexible option but you are not going to get around working with the other family - your vacation schedules will have to be coordinated and any leave approved by both families, etc. Would you expect the nanny to care for sick kids? It does complicate things quite a bit.

Good point. The op and his wife don’t seem to want to compromise on anything. He wants her to be able to stay home and be able to save (presumably) to buy a house in a few years. She wants to keep up her lifestyle of massages (fine, they are for health), but also frequent body scrubs (???), manicures and pedicures.

Something will have to give. I suggest the body scrubs (buy nice stuff to use at home), the food subscriptions, the frequent manicures (maybe get them only if you are going out for a special occasion). When I was in diaper mode, I didn’t get manicures a lot. I was always washing my hands (I had twins so I had a lot of diapers). Regular manicures started back up after potty training. Now op should give up some things too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This seems trolly. No one gets a weekly massage and facial.

I think someone made the whole thing up just to get a bunch of pages. If the troll is savvy as to what sets off DCUM folks the pages just rack up, as they did here.

And nobody who has had a job believes they don’t need a budget. Definitely a troll.

OP here. She think we can manage easily on my income and our current savings and investments.

DP and I believe this is true bc everyone thinks they can do something and then when it comes to the actual doing it's usually a lot harder.

The loss of her income is pretty large unless you yourself are making over $500K. It is definitely something that would be felt at some point. Having BTDT, I can definitely say that there are days as a SAHM that you will spend money to pass the time. It happens. She will still be able to do that but would probably have to stop and consider purchases that fall into the several hundred dollar or thousand dollar ranges whereas now she doesn't have to give it a second thought. You should try for a couple months to live on the one salary and then see what you all think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This seems trolly. No one gets a weekly massage and facial.

I’ve known people who have done this. And I thought it was insane. I do think the post is trolly too though.

OP here. She has been getting weekly massages for the past decade. She has genetic nerve issues that give her neck and lower back pain. She also does physical therapy and chiropractor care for it. I mistook facials as other things. She gets like body scrubs, hot stone massages, aromatherapy, etc., with massages.

I understand the massages are for health reasons. But with regard to the other stuff she is a mother now quitting her job to be with her child, not a woman just living her life. I live in Bethesda and know lots of wealthy women, and I SAH. I literally know NO ONE who gets weekly facial/body scrub/ aromatherapy etc. That is truly excessive (and I do get my hair highlighted every 6 weeks and have nice things). That might be something she does when she is young and childless, but you and she should know that is not only not typical, even very wealthy people don't do that. I know many people who get regular manicures. However Pedicures, which are more expensive do not need to be as frequent, especially in winter. Try every 4 weeks in winter for the pedicure. I am also a PP who said- who is watching the baby when she is getting all this stuff done?

A body scrub and/or facial more than a couple times a year is a true luxury- Most people in Bethesda/Potomac that I know do not get these more than a few times a year. Your original post asked a question, and people are giving answers, but you are very defensive about some of these choices too.

Get rid of the food service and scale back the facials/scrubs to a couple times a year. Pedicures every 4 weeks in winter. Then keep all the rest and assess whether you can manage financially.

OP here. I watch the baby or we have family that comes and watches the baby while she is out. I will talk to her about the rest. I’m not sure how much any of those things are needed or the frequency. I know that my wife had enjoy feeling like herself and enjoys that time away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Btdt: she should work part-time to keep foot in the door
2. I thought nanny share was where nanny would work for you 2 days and someone else 3 days. You paid her for your two days and they paid for their 3 days and you didn’t necessarily have to interact. At end of year you gave her W2 for amount you paid and other family gives W2 for amount they paid. Each family is responsible for the taxes, etc. on the amount they pay. Am I wrong? You aren’t one joint employer.
3. To have the discussion, you need to look at ALL expenses (including yours) and decide what are necessities and what can be given up. You said you are older parents. Do you have sufficient life insurance on both of you? Does she get health insurance through her job or yours? Have you planned for college?
4. Sounds like you both would like to move to a house soon. Interest rates have almost doubled so your buying power is less unless you can pay in cash. You may need to stay in your condo much longer than anticipated. Are you comfortable with the schools?
5. You said you cook. Do you cook the items from the meal services? If not, who does and when do they get eaten? It seems like if you cook (and are willing to grocery shop), this is something you can mutually agree to drop.

We've done nanny shares a few different ways. It can be a great flexible option but you are not going to get around working with the other family - your vacation schedules will have to be coordinated and any leave approved by both families, etc. Would you expect the nanny to care for sick kids? It does complicate things quite a bit.

Good point. The op and his wife don’t seem to want to compromise on anything. He wants her to be able to stay home and be able to save (presumably) to buy a house in a few years. She wants to keep up her lifestyle of massages (fine, they are for health), but also frequent body scrubs (???), manicures and pedicures.

Something will have to give. I suggest the body scrubs (buy nice stuff to use at home), the food subscriptions, the frequent manicures (maybe get them only if you are going out for a special occasion). When I was in diaper mode, I didn’t get manicures a lot. I was always washing my hands (I had twins so I had a lot of diapers). Regular manicures started back up after potty training. Now op should give up some things too.

OP here. I have said that we need to cut down on her expenses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, it is likely you will spend more because you have another member of your family. At some point, you may have more children.

What is your housing situation? Are you in a good school district?

Will she want to stay home indefinitely or for a year or two?

How much do you earn? What are your savings? Any debt?

I wanted to stay home when we had our first child but we couldn’t afford for me not to work. I still had a ton of student loans. we didn’t own a home. Eventually I did stay home when we could afford for me to stay home. I paid off all my loans. DH could afford to support us and save for retirement and college.

When I was working, many women were home. Now I don’t work and many of those SAHMs are back at work.

OP here. We love in a condo we bought when we got married. We plan to be in here for at least another 3-5 years. We will eventually move to the suburbs and buy a house.

I’m not sure how long she will stay home. We do plan to have second child fairly soon. I expect her to be at home for at least the next 2-3 years.

I make around $200k and she makes a little over $100k. We have a good amount in savings and multiple investments. No debt besides mortgage.

HUh???

The next few years of your marriage is going to be rough.

And 200k is not a lot for your wife to be staying at home in this economy and you have a baby? and want another one?

Yikes! Youre going to be resentful.

Also what happens if you lose your job?

DC people see out of touch with reality. OP makes more than many Americans. He makes 4 times more than the average American family. He can definitely raise a family with a SAHM wife on that salary. Many raise kids on one income making far less.

I'm a SAHM to 3 kids, all in parochial schools. DH makes less than OP. We do just fine, although we live in a small-ish townhouse (probably bigger than OP's condo, though). But we could not do it if we were spending on meal services and massages and such.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This seems trolly. No one gets a weekly massage and facial.

I think someone made the whole thing up just to get a bunch of pages. If the troll is savvy as to what sets off DCUM folks the pages just rack up, as they did here.

And nobody who has had a job believes they don’t need a budget. Definitely a troll.

OP here. She think we can manage easily on my income and our current savings and investments.

I am the last PP who has weighed in a couple times. I have older kids. They don't get cheaper. You are not going to want to live off savings and investments, especially if you want to buy a house! And what if a kid ends up with special needs? Or needs therapies/tutors? (ask me how I know- these things are very expensive). Again, you are very defensive here. You need to cut some of these fixed luxuries to make this week. These are not normal fixed expenses for most women I know.

+1 parent of two teens. They are expensive. One is headed off to college next year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, it is likely you will spend more because you have another member of your family. At some point, you may have more children.

What is your housing situation? Are you in a good school district?

Will she want to stay home indefinitely or for a year or two?

How much do you earn? What are your savings? Any debt?

I wanted to stay home when we had our first child but we couldn’t afford for me not to work. I still had a ton of student loans. we didn’t own a home. Eventually I did stay home when we could afford for me to stay home. I paid off all my loans. DH could afford to support us and save for retirement and college.

When I was working, many women were home. Now I don’t work and many of those SAHMs are back at work.

OP here. We love in a condo we bought when we got married. We plan to be in here for at least another 3-5 years. We will eventually move to the suburbs and buy a house.

I’m not sure how long she will stay home. We do plan to have second child fairly soon. I expect her to be at home for at least the next 2-3 years.

I make around $200k and she makes a little over $100k. We have a good amount in savings and multiple investments. No debt besides mortgage.

HUh???

The next few years of your marriage is going to be rough.

And 200k is not a lot for your wife to be staying at home in this economy and you have a baby? and want another one?

Yikes! Youre going to be resentful.

Also what happens if you lose your job?

DC people see out of touch with reality. OP makes more than many Americans. He makes 4 times more than the average American family. He can definitely raise a family with a SAHM wife on that salary. Many raise kids on one income making far less.

I'm a SAHM to 3 kids, all in parochial schools. DH makes less than OP. We do just fine, although we live in a small-ish townhouse (probably bigger than OP's condo, though). But we could not do it if we were spending on meal services and massages and such.

+1 I have nothing against sahm. I was one for a bit. But, you need to budget for it. $180K around the DC area doesn't provide for much. Now, if you were in a super lcol, I agree, extra expenses shouldn't be a big deal.

I posted up thread. We lived off of $160K, with two kids, with no plans for more, and I was still budgeting. We didn't have enough to save for college at the time. That didn't happen until I went back to work.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like a troll but my husband hates budgets so I'll bite. I would tell her to go back for at least six months before quitting and I would play up the important of her having financial independence and even create a PPT with a "this is what we can do if we both work and our budget" and a much sadder "this is what we can do if only I work and our budget slide." Hammer it home! If I had quit my job when my first child was born 3 years ago my higher earning year would have been $94K. I make $255K now and I've had a second child during that time too and I am pregnant with my third. I would only quit my job if my husband made in excess of $900K and even then I probably wouldn't. People get fired all the time. It's a huge risk to be a one income household.