Wife Wants To Be A SAHM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much does she earn at her current job?

What are your childcare plans and costs if she goes back to work? Childcare is so expensive that in some cases the extra stress you get from work and having to balance home and work life is just not worth the extra bit of income

OP here. She earns a little over $100k. One of the main reasons for her quitting is it will be hard to find childcare given that she would prefer to go back PT. Her original plan was to go back PT 3 days a week, but we many nannies we looked at all wanted FT. We would need to do it the legal way and I assumed with rates of a nanny in the area and taxes, we would be spending about $40-50k on a PT nanny.

The math isn’t mathing. Why would a PT nanny cost $50k?

What would the hourly rate be and the total bi-weekly hours worked?

I had a full-time nanny that we paid, on the books, and she was not $100k per year so I’m curious to know the answer to this.
$50-70k could get you a FT nanny.

OP here. I’m probably over estimating the cost of a PT nanny.

I think a nanny share would be perfect for you guys.

I’m a sahm and would not be if DH put me on a budget/allowance. Please note that if she is home, she will have more time to spend money. She won’t be spending less. She will likely spend more. You know your wife best. Is she the type that would want the nicer stroller, travel stroller, cute baby clothes. Is she social and likely to meet up with other UMC for coffee, brunch and lunch? She will want to drop the baby weight and keep the gym membership.

I definitely know some SAHMs on a budget. I have one friend whose husband lets her have a break but doesn’t want her to spend any money on that break. That would not work for me. I went on stroller walks with friends and we would go out for coffee and/or lunch. When kids were older, we would check out various kid activities. All this costs money. Your wife won’t just sit at home spending less money.

[Anonymous]

Also, it is likely you will spend more because you have another member of your family. At some point, you may have more children.

What is your housing situation? Are you in a good school district?

Will she want to stay home indefinitely or for a year or two?

How much do you earn? What are your savings? Any debt?

I wanted to stay home when we had our first child but we couldn’t afford for me not to work. I still had a ton of student loans. we didn’t own a home. Eventually I did stay home when we could afford for me to stay home. I paid off all my loans. DH could afford to support us and save for retirement and college.

When I was working, many women were home. Now I don’t work and many of those SAHMs are back at work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much does she earn at her current job?

What are your childcare plans and costs if she goes back to work? Childcare is so expensive that in some cases the extra stress you get from work and having to balance home and work life is just not worth the extra bit of income

OP here. She earns a little over $100k. One of the main reasons for her quitting is it will be hard to find childcare given that she would prefer to go back PT. Her original plan was to go back PT 3 days a week, but we many nannies we looked at all wanted FT. We would need to do it the legal way and I assumed with rates of a nanny in the area and taxes, we would be spending about $40-50k on a PT nanny.

The math isn’t mathing. Why would a PT nanny cost $50k?

What would the hourly rate be and the total bi-weekly hours worked?

I had a full-time nanny that we paid, on the books, and she was not $100k per year so I’m curious to know the answer to this.
$50-70k could get you a FT nanny.

OP here. I’m probably over estimating the cost of a PT nanny.

I think a nanny share would be perfect for you guys.

I’m a sahm and would not be if DH put me on a budget/allowance. Please note that if she is home, she will have more time to spend money. She won’t be spending less. She will likely spend more. You know your wife best. Is she the type that would want the nicer stroller, travel stroller, cute baby clothes. Is she social and likely to meet up with other UMC for coffee, brunch and lunch? She will want to drop the baby weight and keep the gym membership.

I definitely know some SAHMs on a budget. I have one friend whose husband lets her have a break but doesn’t want her to spend any money on that break. That would not work for me. I went on stroller walks with friends and we would go out for coffee and/or lunch. When kids were older, we would check out various kid activities. All this costs money. Your wife won’t just sit at home spending less money.

OP here. We do not want a nanny share. We do not the idea of another kids and dealing with other parents who will be employers. My wife is fully against this.

I’m not saying she can’t spend money. I just don’t think she needs everything she has now.

We have

Hello Fresh
Freshly
Daily Harvest
Butcher Box

She gets weekly massages + facials, nails done every two weeks, hair every 6 weeks, and a gym membership that she hasn’t gone to since she gave birth.

I don’t mind the gym membership, nails, hair cut, etc., but I think she can scale the massages and facials back to twice or once a month and get rid of some of these meals services. We spend about $1000/month on food services on top of groceries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, it is likely you will spend more because you have another member of your family. At some point, you may have more children.

What is your housing situation? Are you in a good school district?

Will she want to stay home indefinitely or for a year or two?

How much do you earn? What are your savings? Any debt?

I wanted to stay home when we had our first child but we couldn’t afford for me not to work. I still had a ton of student loans. we didn’t own a home. Eventually I did stay home when we could afford for me to stay home. I paid off all my loans. DH could afford to support us and save for retirement and college.

When I was working, many women were home. Now I don’t work and many of those SAHMs are back at work.

OP here. We love in a condo we bought when we got married. We plan to be in here for at least another 3-5 years. We will eventually move to the suburbs and buy a house.

I’m not sure how long she will stay home. We do plan to have second child fairly soon. I expect her to be at home for at least the next 2-3 years.

I make around $200k and she makes a little over $100k. We have a good amount in savings and multiple investments. No debt besides mortgage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much does she earn at her current job?

What are your childcare plans and costs if she goes back to work? Childcare is so expensive that in some cases the extra stress you get from work and having to balance home and work life is just not worth the extra bit of income

OP here. She earns a little over $100k. One of the main reasons for her quitting is it will be hard to find childcare given that she would prefer to go back PT. Her original plan was to go back PT 3 days a week, but we many nannies we looked at all wanted FT. We would need to do it the legal way and I assumed with rates of a nanny in the area and taxes, we would be spending about $40-50k on a PT nanny.

The math isn’t mathing. Why would a PT nanny cost $50k?

What would the hourly rate be and the total bi-weekly hours worked?

I had a full-time nanny that we paid, on the books, and she was not $100k per year so I’m curious to know the answer to this.
$50-70k could get you a FT nanny.

OP here. I’m probably over estimating the cost of a PT nanny.

I think a nanny share would be perfect for you guys.

I’m a sahm and would not be if DH put me on a budget/allowance. Please note that if she is home, she will have more time to spend money. She won’t be spending less. She will likely spend more. You know your wife best. Is she the type that would want the nicer stroller, travel stroller, cute baby clothes. Is she social and likely to meet up with other UMC for coffee, brunch and lunch? She will want to drop the baby weight and keep the gym membership.

I definitely know some SAHMs on a budget. I have one friend whose husband lets her have a break but doesn’t want her to spend any money on that break. That would not work for me. I went on stroller walks with friends and we would go out for coffee and/or lunch. When kids were older, we would check out various kid activities. All this costs money. Your wife won’t just sit at home spending less money.

OP here. We do not want a nanny share. We do not the idea of another kids and dealing with other parents who will be employers. My wife is fully against this.

I’m not saying she can’t spend money. I just don’t think she needs everything she has now.

We have

Hello Fresh
Freshly
Daily Harvest
Butcher Box

She gets weekly massages + facials, nails done every two weeks, hair every 6 weeks, and a gym membership that she hasn’t gone to since she gave birth.

I don’t mind the gym membership, nails, hair cut, etc., but I think she can scale the massages and facials back to twice or once a month and get rid of some of these meals services. We spend about $1000/month on food services on top of groceries.

Pp here. I’m a massage person myself. I didn’t really care much for massages before kids. I needed them more when I had a baby because my back and shoulders hurt from carrying the baby around. Your wife sounds high maintenance. For the record, when you have a baby, you don’t miraculously have more time to cook.

I’m a sahm so I fully understand why she would want to stay home. People can live off 200k. I think you should have a clear plan on how long she would stay home. Will it be until the second child is in preschool? Elementary? Forever?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much does she earn at her current job?

What are your childcare plans and costs if she goes back to work? Childcare is so expensive that in some cases the extra stress you get from work and having to balance home and work life is just not worth the extra bit of income

OP here. She earns a little over $100k. One of the main reasons for her quitting is it will be hard to find childcare given that she would prefer to go back PT. Her original plan was to go back PT 3 days a week, but we many nannies we looked at all wanted FT. We would need to do it the legal way and I assumed with rates of a nanny in the area and taxes, we would be spending about $40-50k on a PT nanny.

The math isn’t mathing. Why would a PT nanny cost $50k?

What would the hourly rate be and the total bi-weekly hours worked?

I had a full-time nanny that we paid, on the books, and she was not $100k per year so I’m curious to know the answer to this.
$50-70k could get you a FT nanny.

OP here. I’m probably over estimating the cost of a PT nanny.

I think a nanny share would be perfect for you guys.

I’m a sahm and would not be if DH put me on a budget/allowance. Please note that if she is home, she will have more time to spend money. She won’t be spending less. She will likely spend more. You know your wife best. Is she the type that would want the nicer stroller, travel stroller, cute baby clothes. Is she social and likely to meet up with other UMC for coffee, brunch and lunch? She will want to drop the baby weight and keep the gym membership.

I definitely know some SAHMs on a budget. I have one friend whose husband lets her have a break but doesn’t want her to spend any money on that break. That would not work for me. I went on stroller walks with friends and we would go out for coffee and/or lunch. When kids were older, we would check out various kid activities. All this costs money. Your wife won’t just sit at home spending less money.

OP here. We do not want a nanny share. We do not the idea of another kids and dealing with other parents who will be employers. My wife is fully against this.

I’m not saying she can’t spend money. I just don’t think she needs everything she has now.

We have

Hello Fresh
Freshly
Daily Harvest
Butcher Box

She gets weekly massages + facials, nails done every two weeks, hair every 6 weeks, and a gym membership that she hasn’t gone to since she gave birth.

I don’t mind the gym membership, nails, hair cut, etc., but I think she can scale the massages and facials back to twice or once a month and get rid of some of these meals services. We spend about $1000/month on food services on top of groceries.

Pp here. I’m a massage person myself. I didn’t really care much for massages before kids. I needed them more when I had a baby because my back and shoulders hurt from carrying the baby around. Your wife sounds high maintenance. For the record, when you have a baby, you don’t miraculously have more time to cook.

I’m a sahm so I fully understand why she would want to stay home. People can live off 200k. I think you should have a clear plan on how long she would stay home. Will it be until the second child is in preschool? Elementary? Forever?

OP here. I do all the cooking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much does she earn at her current job?

What are your childcare plans and costs if she goes back to work? Childcare is so expensive that in some cases the extra stress you get from work and having to balance home and work life is just not worth the extra bit of income

OP here. She earns a little over $100k. One of the main reasons for her quitting is it will be hard to find childcare given that she would prefer to go back PT. Her original plan was to go back PT 3 days a week, but we many nannies we looked at all wanted FT. We would need to do it the legal way and I assumed with rates of a nanny in the area and taxes, we would be spending about $40-50k on a PT nanny.

The math isn’t mathing. Why would a PT nanny cost $50k?

What would the hourly rate be and the total bi-weekly hours worked?

I had a full-time nanny that we paid, on the books, and she was not $100k per year so I’m curious to know the answer to this.
$50-70k could get you a FT nanny.

OP here. I’m probably over estimating the cost of a PT nanny.

I think a nanny share would be perfect for you guys.

I’m a sahm and would not be if DH put me on a budget/allowance. Please note that if she is home, she will have more time to spend money. She won’t be spending less. She will likely spend more. You know your wife best. Is she the type that would want the nicer stroller, travel stroller, cute baby clothes. Is she social and likely to meet up with other UMC for coffee, brunch and lunch? She will want to drop the baby weight and keep the gym membership.

I definitely know some SAHMs on a budget. I have one friend whose husband lets her have a break but doesn’t want her to spend any money on that break. That would not work for me. I went on stroller walks with friends and we would go out for coffee and/or lunch. When kids were older, we would check out various kid activities. All this costs money. Your wife won’t just sit at home spending less money.

OP here. We do not want a nanny share. We do not the idea of another kids and dealing with other parents who will be employers. My wife is fully against this.

I’m not saying she can’t spend money. I just don’t think she needs everything she has now.

We have

Hello Fresh
Freshly
Daily Harvest
Butcher Box

She gets weekly massages + facials, nails done every two weeks, hair every 6 weeks, and a gym membership that she hasn’t gone to since she gave birth.

I don’t mind the gym membership, nails, hair cut, etc., but I think she can scale the massages and facials back to twice or once a month and get rid of some of these meals services. We spend about $1000/month on food services on top of groceries.

Pp here. I’m a massage person myself. I didn’t really care much for massages before kids. I needed them more when I had a baby because my back and shoulders hurt from carrying the baby around. Your wife sounds high maintenance. For the record, when you have a baby, you don’t miraculously have more time to cook.

I’m a sahm so I fully understand why she would want to stay home. People can live off 200k. I think you should have a clear plan on how long she would stay home. Will it be until the second child is in preschool? Elementary? Forever?

OP here. We don’t have any plan on how she will stay home. Possibly until kids are in school or they are old enough for daycare or preschool. Maybe 2-3 years.

[Anonymous]

She will be staying home about 9 years. What field is she in? Will a 10 year gap allow her to return at $100k?

$180k is tight for the DMV. Can you move to Ohio or something?

A condo is pretty terrible - they don’t appreciate at same rate as SFH — so you are falling behind year after year and they can be hard to sell. You may be stuck in condo if she quits — she needs to understand that.

Her opposition to shared care and spendthrift ways, your only chance for happiness is to boost your income. Can you advance your career quickly, second job?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a former SAHM, I'd say she should try to keep her foot in the door somehow. I don't disagree that a nanny may not be a great investment. In 3 years you will have nursery school which gives your wife some time to work (not much). In 4 years preschool will give a more solid chunk of time for PT work. In 5 years, full day K and afterschool 1-2 days/week will help. In 10 years when the child is ready for middle school, your wife will probably be able to go back to FT work. It's a mommy track but we all have our different priorities.

I could never do a nanny because I'd be such a micromanager. I also recognize that that my mommy tracking in the above fashion helped us avoid private school tuition because my kids tested into NYC's specialized high schools. That couldn't have happened if I had outsourced the childcare.

So all your kids classmates in HS had either a sahm or private school?

I went to one of these schools.
The school was majority asian. I didn't survey everyone but my memory is most had dual income households.
My mom was SAHM but started working in middle school, before I took the exam. However she also didn't push me that much and didn't have to stand over me to prep. But she did do math with me for many years during the summers. But she did that when working (as a teacher) so it's not clear that it was the SAHM that helped.

A lot of kids have parents who work but have money for lots of prep. Many kids start prep for these exams from a young age. Some kids just study with the $60 test prep book and get in. But having a SAHM is definitely not a prerequisite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a former SAHM, I'd say she should try to keep her foot in the door somehow. I don't disagree that a nanny may not be a great investment. In 3 years you will have nursery school which gives your wife some time to work (not much). In 4 years preschool will give a more solid chunk of time for PT work. In 5 years, full day K and afterschool 1-2 days/week will help. In 10 years when the child is ready for middle school, your wife will probably be able to go back to FT work. It's a mommy track but we all have our different priorities.

I could never do a nanny because I'd be such a micromanager. I also recognize that that my mommy tracking in the above fashion helped us avoid private school tuition because my kids tested into NYC's specialized high schools. That couldn't have happened if I had outsourced the childcare.

So all your kids classmates in HS had either a sahm or private school?

I went to one of these schools.
The school was majority asian. I didn't survey everyone but my memory is most had dual income households.
My mom was SAHM but started working in middle school, before I took the exam. However she also didn't push me that much and didn't have to stand over me to prep. But she did do math with me for many years during the summers. But she did that when working (as a teacher) so it's not clear that it was the SAHM that helped.

A lot of kids have parents who work but have money for lots of prep. Many kids start prep for these exams from a young age. Some kids just study with the $60 test prep book and get in. But having a SAHM is definitely not a prerequisite.

But out side the classroom enrichment does seem like prerequisite whether administered by SAHM, tutoring, or maybe an intense WOHM burning midnight oil.

[Anonymous]

I truly don't understand why men and women don't discuss this before marriage? Please help me understand why you guys didn't have this discussion?

THere was an amazing conversation in tech twitter last year about men open expressing they have no desire to be a breadwinner.

[Anonymous]

It doesn’t sound like it’s a good idea for your wife to stay at home. She sounds like she spends a lot of money on unnecessary expenses. You need to suck it up and find a good daycare center. You cannot afford a nanny on your salaries in this area. I would put off having a second until you can agree on how to raise the one you already have. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, it is likely you will spend more because you have another member of your family. At some point, you may have more children.

What is your housing situation? Are you in a good school district?

Will she want to stay home indefinitely or for a year or two?

How much do you earn? What are your savings? Any debt?

I wanted to stay home when we had our first child but we couldn’t afford for me not to work. I still had a ton of student loans. we didn’t own a home. Eventually I did stay home when we could afford for me to stay home. I paid off all my loans. DH could afford to support us and save for retirement and college.

When I was working, many women were home. Now I don’t work and many of those SAHMs are back at work.

OP here. We love in a condo we bought when we got married. We plan to be in here for at least another 3-5 years. We will eventually move to the suburbs and buy a house.

I’m not sure how long she will stay home. We do plan to have second child fairly soon. I expect her to be at home for at least the next 2-3 years.

I make around $200k and she makes a little over $100k. We have a good amount in savings and multiple investments. No debt besides mortgage.

HUh???

The next few years of your marriage is going to be rough.

And 200k is not a lot for your wife to be staying at home in this economy and you have a baby? and want another one?

Yikes! Youre going to be resentful.

Also what happens if you lose your job?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It doesn’t sound like it’s a good idea for your wife to stay at home. She sounds like she spends a lot of money on unnecessary expenses. You need to suck it up and find a good daycare center. You cannot afford a nanny on your salaries in this area. I would put off having a second until you can agree on how to raise the one you already have. Good luck.

This. Her spending (on wants, not needs) is already ridiculous, but at least the $100K she’s bringing in helps to offset that. Without working? No way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I truly don't understand why men and women don't discuss this before marriage? Please help me understand why you guys didn't have this discussion?

THere was an amazing conversation in tech twitter last year about men open expressing they have no desire to be a breadwinner.

What? Men can’t bring it up safely while dating. You come off as a 50s Neanderthal. Many women don’t think about SAH, thinking of having it all and the education and career they built, but then when they get home they have that tiny baby who seems defenseless and can’t imagine leaving them.

There is often no fruitful pre marriage counseling. MAYBE… women can filter for even higher paying DH, to insure against all eventualities, but I think most women filter for as high income as they can nowadays.