Wife Wants To Be A SAHM

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:How much does she earn at her current job?

What are your childcare plans and costs if she goes back to work? Childcare is so expensive that in some cases the extra stress you get from work and having to balance home and work life is just not worth the extra bit of income

OP here. She earns a little over $100k. One of the main reasons for her quitting is it will be hard to find childcare given that she would prefer to go back PT. Her original plan was to go back PT 3 days a week, but we many nannies we looked at all wanted FT. We would need to do it the legal way and I assumed with rates of a nanny in the area and taxes, we would be spending about $40-50k on a PT nanny.

The math isn’t mathing. Why would a PT nanny cost $50k?

What would the hourly rate be and the total bi-weekly hours worked?

I had a full-time nanny that we paid, on the books, and she was not $100k per year so I’m curious to know the answer to this.
$50-70k could get you a FT nanny.

OP here. I’m probably over estimating the cost of a PT nanny.

I think a nanny share would be perfect for you guys.

I’m a sahm and would not be if DH put me on a budget/allowance. Please note that if she is home, she will have more time to spend money. She won’t be spending less. She will likely spend more. You know your wife best. Is she the type that would want the nicer stroller, travel stroller, cute baby clothes. Is she social and likely to meet up with other UMC for coffee, brunch and lunch? She will want to drop the baby weight and keep the gym membership.

I definitely know some SAHMs on a budget. I have one friend whose husband lets her have a break but doesn’t want her to spend any money on that break. That would not work for me. I went on stroller walks with friends and we would go out for coffee and/or lunch. When kids were older, we would check out various kid activities. All this costs money. Your wife won’t just sit at home spending less money.

OP here. We do not want a nanny share. We do not the idea of another kids and dealing with other parents who will be employers. My wife is fully against this.

I’m not saying she can’t spend money. I just don’t think she needs everything she has now.

We have

Hello Fresh
Freshly
Daily Harvest
Butcher Box

She gets weekly massages + facials, nails done every two weeks, hair every 6 weeks, and a gym membership that she hasn’t gone to since she gave birth.

I don’t mind the gym membership, nails, hair cut, etc., but I think she can scale the massages and facials back to twice or once a month and get rid of some of these meals services. We spend about $1000/month on food services on top of groceries.

This is already an absurd level of spending for your combined income, sorry

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:See you in the Relationship Forum in 3 years when you're disgusted by your overspending, stay home wife with a 20 hour a week nanny and you can't figure out what she does for 10 hours a day!

+1 she'll find a way to generate WAY more expenses with that newfound free time

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:WOHM carry a lot of guilt about leaving their children in daycare AND the housework that they cannot ever get ahead of. Even outsourcing a lot of work does not take away that guilt. They are ok with their choice to work as long as they get confirmation that they made a smart choice.

Usually, seeing SAHMs and their children become poor due to divorce, husband's death, addiction, or low earning spouse etc is a confirmation that being financially self sufficient is a good choice of a concerned mother. Also, being a WOHM and having a dual earning household results in a better house, finances to educated the kids in college, ability to help family members etc. So most have a great sense of satisfaction when they compare themselves to a SAHM with poor education, no ability to outsource and being dependent on the mercy of a low educated man.

However, in this area where all the East Coast Liberal Elites congregate, the SAHMs do not fit that narrative. Most are well off, have lots of financial security, outsource stuff all the time, have lots of support, can afford the world, have supportive husbands, have good marriages, can give all advantages to their kids and they have an easier time running their household. They are also not isolated.

That is the reason that you will see a lot of attacks on rich, educated SAHMs on this board. This is stemming from jealousy. An uneducated and poor SAHM is an object of pity and no one should be sparing her even one thought.

As a former SAHM, I think this is a bunch of whiny nonsense.

High status SAHM > WOHM > Low status SAHM

Oh please. Stop whining. It’s embarrassing.

- former SAHM.

Being in a circle of high earning men and women, let me fix this for you:

High status WOHM >> High status SAHM >> Low status WOHM >> low status SAHM

When Dh and I got married, we witnessed many power couples. We witnessed many kids with problems when both parents were in high positions. I know that just because two parents have high powered jobs doesn’t equate to having messed up kids but that was a gamble we did not want to take. We lived in NYC where kids would boss around their nannies and drivers. The entitlement was out of control. Some kids got shipped off to boarding school. Many people had multiple nannies, like 3-4 because they needed around the clock care including weekends.

If one parent has a flexible decent job who can still focus on the kids, that is most ideal. I stopped working when I had my third kid and it did throw me off balance. Juggling two kids was hard enough.

I actually think the ideal situation is two parents with flexible well-paid jobs that they enjoy, but that is obviously a privileged situation to be in.

Everyone’s definition of success is different. We have a seven figure income. Dh and I were both earning high six figures when I stopped working. Now he earns a seven figure income by himself while I stay home.

I am pretty sure Dh would have a hard time having a job that is high reward high pay to go to a flexible work from home type job that pays a fraction of what he is currently earning.

Very similar to my situation and I agree. DH’s ego couldn’t take it.

That ego alone seems really hard to live with, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:WOHM carry a lot of guilt about leaving their children in daycare AND the housework that they cannot ever get ahead of. Even outsourcing a lot of work does not take away that guilt. They are ok with their choice to work as long as they get confirmation that they made a smart choice.

Usually, seeing SAHMs and their children become poor due to divorce, husband's death, addiction, or low earning spouse etc is a confirmation that being financially self sufficient is a good choice of a concerned mother. Also, being a WOHM and having a dual earning household results in a better house, finances to educated the kids in college, ability to help family members etc. So most have a great sense of satisfaction when they compare themselves to a SAHM with poor education, no ability to outsource and being dependent on the mercy of a low educated man.

However, in this area where all the East Coast Liberal Elites congregate, the SAHMs do not fit that narrative. Most are well off, have lots of financial security, outsource stuff all the time, have lots of support, can afford the world, have supportive husbands, have good marriages, can give all advantages to their kids and they have an easier time running their household. They are also not isolated.

That is the reason that you will see a lot of attacks on rich, educated SAHMs on this board. This is stemming from jealousy. An uneducated and poor SAHM is an object of pity and no one should be sparing her even one thought.

Nonsense. I hated taking care of small kids and had a FT nanny even during my maternity leave. I'm from a culture in which only the poor take care of their kids, and this is the case for almost all affluent families all over the world. If you are educated and smart, you have a job. You work for a cool non-profit, you do international development work, consulting, strategy, sit on boards, raise money. Thai Lee, Jane Goldman, Amy Goldman Fowler etc. work.

For real. You're aware that the "culture in which only the poor take care of their kids" just means that both the men and the women are exploiting poor female labor? This is nothing to be proud of, and lol at your speaking for "affluent families all over the world".

Really depends on the culture. In Japan and Korea, they have the most educated female population and most women stay home to take care of the kids.

And Japan is facing cultural extinction because of impossibly low birthrates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WOHM carry a lot of guilt about leaving their children in daycare AND the housework that they cannot ever get ahead of. Even outsourcing a lot of work does not take away that guilt. They are ok with their choice to work as long as they get confirmation that they made a smart choice.

Usually, seeing SAHMs and their children become poor due to divorce, husband's death, addiction, or low earning spouse etc is a confirmation that being financially self sufficient is a good choice of a concerned mother. Also, being a WOHM and having a dual earning household results in a better house, finances to educated the kids in college, ability to help family members etc. So most have a great sense of satisfaction when they compare themselves to a SAHM with poor education, no ability to outsource and being dependent on the mercy of a low educated man.

However, in this area where all the East Coast Liberal Elites congregate, the SAHMs do not fit that narrative. Most are well off, have lots of financial security, outsource stuff all the time, have lots of support, can afford the world, have supportive husbands, have good marriages, can give all advantages to their kids and they have an easier time running their household. They are also not isolated.

That is the reason that you will see a lot of attacks on rich, educated SAHMs on this board. This is stemming from jealousy. An uneducated and poor SAHM is an object of pity and no one should be sparing her even one thought.

As a former SAHM, I think this is a bunch of whiny nonsense.

High status SAHM > WOHM > Low status SAHM

Oh please. Stop whining. It’s embarrassing.

- former SAHM.

Why should the fortunate whine?

I have no idea but Jeff Steele makes a tidy living of off the endless whining of the fortunate.