How would you handle a 15 yo talking about getting a matching tattoo with a friend who is dying

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here she decided she wanted to do ribs instead, mostly because it apparently hurts like crazy

I have a tattoo on my ribs and I think it’s a good location. You don’t have to see it too much (like the one on my upper thigh that I see every time I pee). It didn’t hurt more than other locations but she won’t know the difference. I know a few people who haven’t gotten extensive tattoos during painful times in their life (divorce/grieving a death), and found it therapeutic. So I would not discount that too.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't allow it. I agree that a professional photo shoot or something like that is more appropriate.

Same. I would never allow a 15 year old to make this decision. I like the photo shoot idea, jewelry or other ways to memorialize this friendship.

But what YOU like isn’t what is meaningful for the kids. Part of adolescence is making your own choices and part of our job as parents is to allow them the freedom to do so. To appreciate that they are becoming independent people with feelings, likes, and desires that may doffer from our own. A small tattoo, while permanent isn’t in any way a life altering thing. The girls have told the OP what would be meaningful to THEM, she old enough to walk through this with her friend, she’s old enough to decide how to memorialize their relationship. Telling her that she may feel differently about this in the future will make her feel as if you don’t understand and respect her feelings. You can’t keep her from being hurt or sad but you can help her find the other side of this with her soul in tact and your relationship with her in tact.

oh get real - I have looked back at pictures of when I was 15 and wonder why the heck my mother didn’t tell me my makeup looked awful or why she let me some outfits bc I looked really silly. 15 yr olds don’t have the best judgement bc they are 15 and not adults

You missed the next sentence. I think the cost/benefit in this situation is unique because of the context. In almost any other situation, waiting until she’s 18 to get the tattoo won’t make a difference. Here it does, and it’s important enough that I think you have to let her do it.

In general yes I’m a fan of giving teens some autonomy provided they’ve shown they’re responsible. That doesn’t mean they can do absolutely anything they want.
Sure and then you turned 18 and magically made all wonderful life long hair and fashion choices.

Everyone on here arguing not to let this girl do it seems like they’re the type of parents who power trip for no good reason. Yeah, sure we regulate lots of things for kids. But as long as you raise kids who are minimally responsible, maybe it’s good to try to find ways to allow them autonomy instead of controlling them for no good reason. And in this particular instance, the tattoo is incredibly important to the daughter and the harm from it is negligible harm. Telling her no just because she’s 15 and you’re an adult is a good way to alienate your child forever.

By this logic you should allow tattoos regardless of the friend dying or for a much less significant reason. Do you think that?

[Anonymous]

I would tell my kid that's a beautiful idea of a meaningful gesture, and if she still wants to do it when she's 18 we can talk about it then.

[Anonymous]

As someone who has worked in the field of oncology and a parent with pediatric cancer in my family, I would absolutely allow this. It’s going to be really important for your child and her friend and will be something she will never regret. This experience will profoundly impact your child and this will be something that helps her navigate it with peace for the rest of her life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here she decided she wanted to do ribs instead, mostly because it apparently hurts like crazy

I have a tattoo on my ribs and I think it’s a good location. You don’t have to see it too much (like the one on my upper thigh that I see every time I pee). It didn’t hurt more than other locations but she won’t know the difference. I know a few people who haven’t gotten extensive tattoos during painful times in their life (divorce/grieving a death), and found it therapeutic. So I would not discount that too.

Agree. And the placement/process seems integral to the intention of this remembrance. Also something less visible will give her time to process her loss without having to answer questions about her tattoo when someone notices it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would tell my kid that's a beautiful idea of a meaningful gesture, and if she still wants to do it when she's 18 we can talk about it then.

She can't go and get a matching tattoo WITH her friend when she is 18, because her friend will no longer be alive by then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tell my kid that's a beautiful idea of a meaningful gesture, and if she still wants to do it when she's 18 we can talk about it then.

She can't go and get a matching tattoo WITH her friend when she is 18, because her friend will no longer be alive by then.

Yes, I understand that. They will not be able to get a tattoo together before my kid turns 18. That is the point my kid would have understood without my having to spell it out for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would your pediatrician have some wise advice?

why would anyone care what a pediatrician thinks about this?!

[Anonymous]

I hate tattoos and this is probably the only situation that would change my mind. I think, for once, the permanence is relevant and meaningful instead of something likely to cause regret. Also, if the gesture brings joy and comfort to the girl and her family, then it is worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think tattoos are generally trashy. But I would definitely allow DD to get a discreet one. I’m thinking hip area.

OMG, the "trashiest" area besides the lower back!

[Anonymous]

Sorry, no tattoo.

[Anonymous]

People who would forbid this are terrible parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone who has worked in the field of oncology and a parent with pediatric cancer in my family, I would absolutely allow this. It’s going to be really important for your child and her friend and will be something she will never regret. This experience will profoundly impact your child and this will be something that helps her navigate it with peace for the rest of her life.

Just amplifying this. The kid who is dying will know that s/he is a small part of her friend forever, even after s/he dies. And your kid will have this lasting reminder of this thing s/he did for their dying friend whom s/he loved. It's lovely. Good luck with the rib thing, OP's kid!

[Anonymous]

OP, I understand being hesitant. But I think you should do it. I got a small, meaningful tattoo to memorialize my sister right after she died young. Before that, I really didn’t like tattoos. But they were important to her, and the process of getting one is just painful enough to be meaningful. I do feel sad when I look at the tattoo. But I’m supposed to be sad! Sadness is what we’re supposed to feel when we lose someone we love. Allowing your DD to get this could be an important step toward helping her process her grief. Talk it through with your daughter. If you are convinced this is something she really wants to do, giving her your blessing shows that you respect her and understand what she’s going through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who has worked in the field of oncology and a parent with pediatric cancer in my family, I would absolutely allow this. It’s going to be really important for your child and her friend and will be something she will never regret. This experience will profoundly impact your child and this will be something that helps her navigate it with peace for the rest of her life.

Just amplifying this. The kid who is dying will know that s/he is a small part of her friend forever, even after s/he dies. And your kid will have this lasting reminder of this thing s/he did for their dying friend whom s/he loved. It's lovely. Good luck with the rib thing, OP's kid!

Tattoos are forever and this is someone op’s DD has been close friends with for a few years. For all we know if the other kid lived they’d graduate from high school and then never talk again.