How would you handle a 15 yo talking about getting a matching tattoo with a friend who is dying

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This girl has been very close to my daughter for a few years but she's had recurring cancer and it recently came back in a very severe form and it's bad enough they aren't going to fight and just try to make her comfortable.

My daughter and her friend recently came to their parents and asked about going to a reputable artist and getting some designs done up, her parents are alright with the idea but I'm hesitant about this it seems insane to allow a tattoo at 15 years old but also the right thing to do.

I’m so sorry.

+1

I lost my sister to cancer at that age and wish I had the opportunity to do something like that with her before she died. (And I’m not a tattoo person). Any positive memories are precious, and the permanence of a tattoo seems like a comfort for both girls. I would allow her to choose something small and discreet.

NP and honestly a sibling is different- I would totally allow it then. Also, so very sorry for the loss of your sister. 😢

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, I would offer something less permanent like matching necklaces.

Agree with this.

Or matching rings/bracelets, etc that are really nice with engraving on the inside.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, I would offer something less permanent like matching necklaces.

Agree with this.

Or matching rings/bracelets, etc that are really nice with engraving on the inside.

This would be a great addition to the tattoo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, I would offer something less permanent like matching necklaces.

“Yeah, I’d prefer my daughter get something easy to remove when she forgets about your daughter after she’s dead.”

It is a nice gesture to get the tattoo, but no one is required to respond to the tragedy in this way. If they wanted to go sky diving together as a way to honor the friend, OP would still be able to uphold her parenting standards by saying no, notwithstanding the significance and tragedy of this moment. It does seem a bit manipulative to set OP’s agency in opposition to the girl’s parents or the value of the friendship. There are so many ways to honor their friendship. The tattoo is nice but not necessary.

[Anonymous]

Totally would be fine with this. Esp if in a discreet area.

- signed someone who lost a friend to cancer in my 20s, didn’t get a tattoo but did take a stain glass making class and made a mirror I have over my fireplace and look at every day and remember her abs so glad to have that memory.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, I would offer something less permanent like matching necklaces.

“Yeah, I’d prefer my daughter get something easy to remove when she forgets about your daughter after she’s dead.”

I hope my kid stays married forever, if she gets married. It doesn’t mean she needs to tattoo her spouse’s name on her body. Same with my name, her dad’s name, her brother’s name, grandparents, BFF, etc.

How about: “we can’t support tattooing at 15. I’m so sorry.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who has worked in the field of oncology and a parent with pediatric cancer in my family, I would absolutely allow this. It’s going to be really important for your child and her friend and will be something she will never regret. This experience will profoundly impact your child and this will be something that helps her navigate it with peace for the rest of her life.

Just amplifying this. The kid who is dying will know that s/he is a small part of her friend forever, even after s/he dies. And your kid will have this lasting reminder of this thing s/he did for their dying friend whom s/he loved. It's lovely. Good luck with the rib thing, OP's kid!

Tattoos are forever and this is someone op’s DD has been close friends with for a few years. For all we know if the other kid lived they’d graduate from high school and then never talk again.

Have you lost a friend in childhood to cancer? If not, I wouldn’t comment on how you think the OP’s child will grieve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, I would offer something less permanent like matching necklaces.

“Yeah, I’d prefer my daughter get something easy to remove when she forgets about your daughter after she’s dead.”

I hope my kid stays married forever, if she gets married. It doesn’t mean she needs to tattoo her spouse’s name on her body. Same with my name, her dad’s name, her brother’s name, grandparents, BFF, etc.

How about: “we can’t support tattooing at 15. I’m so sorry.”

Why lie?

"I have made the choice for my daughter that avoiding being tacky is more than honoring this friendship in the way they have chosen. I recognize that a 15 year old is whirlwind of emotion on the best days and that losing a close a friend young, especially where there is no fault or mistake and the parties have ample time to consider the imminent death, is likely to lead to category 5 hurricane of emotion, but the most important thing in this moment is preserve the natural appearance of my daughter's skin. I know in only 3 years my daughter will have ability to get this done without my consent, but I this is a hill I want to die on. I hope she will forgive me when she's older."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here she decided she wanted to do ribs instead, mostly because it apparently hurts like crazy

Can you explain this further? Why is she seeking pain?

[Anonymous]

I think it's a problem that the other parents are supporting this. To allow this to be imposed on a child devastated to lose her friend. Yes they are scared to lose their daughter but this isn't the answer. The age is 18 for a reason. Some shops won't tattoo under 18 even with consent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This girl has been very close to my daughter for a few years but she's had recurring cancer and it recently came back in a very severe form and it's bad enough they aren't going to fight and just try to make her comfortable.

My daughter and her friend recently came to their parents and asked about going to a reputable artist and getting some designs done up, her parents are alright with the idea but I'm hesitant about this it seems insane to allow a tattoo at 15 years old but also the right thing to do.

I'm so sorry that you are facing this question. I don't really like tatoos and would probably never get one, but in a no win situation, you have to ask what's the most important thing here? That should be your daughter. Now is the time to show her that you can support her even in the worst of times and that you recognize that she's dealing with most real consequences of the adult world. I think I would have a private conversation with my daughter and express the following:

1. Sadness and regret for all that she is facing with her friend
2. Appreciation for the courage and loyalty that she's showing her friend
3. That tattoos are permanent and she must be really sure that she wants it there forever
4. That if she has doubts about it and wants to back out, I will take all the blame and absolutely refuse to allow it
5. That if she does go forward with it, that it should be in an area that is discrete as this is something for her and her close friend, not everyone in the world. Perhaps talk about planning for the tattoo during job interviews and formal wear as nonjudgmentally as possible.

The way that I look at this is that the tattoo won't actually harm the girl long-term. I would be much more concerned about the actions of a distraught 15 year old who lost her best friend and believes that her parents disrespected that friendship at some crucial hour. You know your child will need you a great deal in the near future, focus on bigger harms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d allow it with restrictions - small, in a spot that can easily be covered.

This for sure. If they are talking about a little teardrop or something similar in size that can be easily covered with clothing or shoes, fine.

[Anonymous]

This is so hard. I'm so sorry, OP, and especially sorry for the girl and her family. I'm not sure what I'd do in your shoes. I don't support 15 year olds getting tattoos. On the other hand, this is such a sad and unique situation I'd maybe allow exception. I'm not sure. I'm so sorry you're having to make a difficult decision. Maybe remember it's a very small and unimportant one next to the trials the girl and her family are about to face. I don't mean that in snark, either. Just weighing things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here she decided she wanted to do ribs instead, mostly because it apparently hurts like crazy

Can you explain this further? Why is she seeking pain?

I think she means because the wrist hurts like crazy.