Going no screens on a vacation

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel for you. This is coming from a DIL with an unhealthy MIL. I feel like she’s getting better with age, like a fine wine. I didn’t expect to get to this point when we were married before kids.

MIL went through a nasty divorce, one of those things where she drove him to an emotional affair and neither are blameless. BIL was too little to understand but DH witnessed enough to come away with bad feelings toward both parents. As soon as DH moved away for college, he limited contact with MIL (he was no contact with FIL). When we got engaged I pushed him to be closer and he was for a while. Then when she started pushing me away, I stopped pushing him toward her, and she blamed me for limited contact 2.0.

We’ve had our ups and downs through the years, but I realize how that her parents were enmeshed in her life until they died, so what she did seemed normal. I also realize how lonely she was. But over 25 years, we’ve connected in our way, made amends, and I’m definitely closer to her than her son. If she’s been less invasive and more inclusive early on, maybe we could’ve gotten there sooner.

My point of all that above is that, while it’s different from your situation, it’s also similar. Maybe you should start developing a relationship with DIL. I assume that they don’t have kids because you didn’t mention any, and you must know you’ll need DIL as an ally rather than an opposing team member (at best).

Also, you must’ve raised a lovely person if you’re so interested in spending time with him. He must have been capable of choosing a good partner. I bet she’s a good friend too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm used to talking to my son on the phone just about every day. His wife told us when she and my son were over the other day that they plan on being screen free for the entirety of their vacation the next 2 weeks because they want to spend that time being completely focused on each other as a couple.

My son's wife told us that they will let the families know when they safely land and then after that no phones. Two weeks seems like a long time not to be able to have any contact with my son. Does this seem reasonable to you? Is this my DIL's way of asserting dominance and letting me know I'm calling too much? [twitter]

Is this a joke? You can’t go two weeks without talking to your adult son who is married?? Grow up.

I don't see why everyone is giving OP so much flack and why it makes a difference whether or not her son is married. If people think OP is too enmeshed with her son wouldn't she be too enmeshed regardless of his marital status? So throwing in the fact he is married should be irrelevant in this case.

Also, yes OP is entitled to her feelings and going from daily phone calls to not talking to someone at all for 2 weeks can be very daunting and upsetting.

Her son being married shouldn't mean his mother's feelings should go completely out the window. I feel like on here the minute a man gets married it's all about the wife and her feelings but screw the mother's feelings she should no longer matter and the husband should never take his mother's feelings into consideration.

It’s simple her feelings do not matter here. They just don’t. She needs to shut up and put ip for all of two weeks. After that she can go back to the calls, as her son allows. Wife and couples feelings come first here. Trust the son knew that the *bomb* would be dropped during that convo. He’s probably waiting and bracing himself for her to come to him asking for an exception.

+100000 to the last paragraph. Why are so many posters assuming that DIL/son didn't have this conversation before they went over to MIL's for dinner?.

If they did have that conversation and DH stayed completely silent/ he is both a bad husband and a bad son.

Why would that make him a bad son? Isn't it his responsibility to be a husband before a son?

Two things,

1. First, his responsibility is to be a good human and be thoughtful about all of the people in his life. This is not binary. Being married does not mean that you no longer care about your relationships with anyone else in your life.

2. To be a good and supportive husband would be to actively express support for this "joint" decision and not let his wife carry the full load. He could have spoken up with a sentence fo two about how he thought this was good for them, that he was lookig for the time to disconnect, but that they would of course be reachable in a true emergency, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know who sounds controlling to me? The DIL.

It is weird that the son didn't express agreement or disagreement when his wife made the announcement. I also think the 2-week focus thing is odd. Any relationship that needs 2 weeks of one-on-one focus is a relationship that is floundering. It sounds to me like the DIL is trying to make one last attempt and the way she is doing it is by getting the son away from friends/family and his support system.

The whole thing is setting of warning bells for me.

How is DIL controlling when she wants to take a no screen trip away from her spouse? They are married and plenty of married people want uninterrupted time together? MIL is more controlling by getting this bothered by not being able to talk to her grown married son for 2 weeks. Shows she has major enmeshment issues that she needs to resolve.

DIL probably mentioned is because it came up in convo or she knew her husband doesn't have balls to bring it up himself to his mother.

It's very common to go away with no screens. I ask my husband to do that a lot when we are away.

I disagree with your assessment because of how the husband responded to the announcement. His response was to sit there mutely. That is not the response of someone who supports what his wife is saying; that is the response of someone who is being intimidated into something he doesn't want to do. If I knew him I would start considering whether his wife was an emotional (or other) type of abuser who was trying to control her husband and alienate him from his support group. My response would have been different if he had said "Yeah, Mom, Larla is right. When we go away we'll be on 'no phone' status. I'll talk to you when we get back." He didn't.

[Anonymous]

It is weird that this came from the DIL entirely. OP sounds weird and clingy but the DIL sounds overbearing and controlling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know who sounds controlling to me? The DIL.

It is weird that the son didn't express agreement or disagreement when his wife made the announcement. I also think the 2-week focus thing is odd. Any relationship that needs 2 weeks of one-on-one focus is a relationship that is floundering. It sounds to me like the DIL is trying to make one last attempt and the way she is doing it is by getting the son away from friends/family and his support system.

The whole thing is setting of warning bells for me.

How is DIL controlling when she wants to take a no screen trip away from her spouse? They are married and plenty of married people want uninterrupted time together? MIL is more controlling by getting this bothered by not being able to talk to her grown married son for 2 weeks. Shows she has major enmeshment issues that she needs to resolve.

DIL probably mentioned is because it came up in convo or she knew her husband doesn't have balls to bring it up himself to his mother.

It's very common to go away with no screens. I ask my husband to do that a lot when we are away.

I disagree with your assessment because of how the husband responded to the announcement. His response was to sit there mutely. That is not the response of someone who supports what his wife is saying; that is the response of someone who is being intimidated into something he doesn't want to do. If I knew him I would start considering whether his wife was an emotional (or other) type of abuser who was trying to control her husband and alienate him from his support group. My response would have been different if he had said "Yeah, Mom, Larla is right. When we go away we'll be on 'no phone' status. I'll talk to you when we get back." He didn't.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is weird that this came from the DIL entirely. OP sounds weird and clingy but the DIL sounds overbearing and controlling.

+1 Concise description.

And to round out the list of characters: DH/son sounds like a weak doormat, unable to speak for himself and submissive to both the women in his life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know who sounds controlling to me? The DIL.

It is weird that the son didn't express agreement or disagreement when his wife made the announcement. I also think the 2-week focus thing is odd. Any relationship that needs 2 weeks of one-on-one focus is a relationship that is floundering. It sounds to me like the DIL is trying to make one last attempt and the way she is doing it is by getting the son away from friends/family and his support system.

The whole thing is setting of warning bells for me.

How is DIL controlling when she wants to take a no screen trip away from her spouse? They are married and plenty of married people want uninterrupted time together? MIL is more controlling by getting this bothered by not being able to talk to her grown married son for 2 weeks. Shows she has major enmeshment issues that she needs to resolve.

DIL probably mentioned is because it came up in convo or she knew her husband doesn't have balls to bring it up himself to his mother.

It's very common to go away with no screens. I ask my husband to do that a lot when we are away.

I disagree with your assessment because of how the husband responded to the announcement. His response was to sit there mutely. That is not the response of someone who supports what his wife is saying; that is the response of someone who is being intimidated into something he doesn't want to do. If I knew him I would start considering whether his wife was an emotional (or other) type of abuser who was trying to control her husband and alienate him from his support group. My response would have been different if he had said "Yeah, Mom, Larla is right. When we go away we'll be on 'no phone' status. I'll talk to you when we get back." He didn't.

LOL

Now I’ve heard it all.

OP, you better schedule an intervention with your son to save him from his abusive wife! A vacation without daily calls to mom is the telltale sign your baby boy is being abused! He NEEDS you to save him! Better cancel this whole vacation altogether. Give him the gift of a retainer for a divorce attorney.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know who sounds controlling to me? The DIL.

It is weird that the son didn't express agreement or disagreement when his wife made the announcement. I also think the 2-week focus thing is odd. Any relationship that needs 2 weeks of one-on-one focus is a relationship that is floundering. It sounds to me like the DIL is trying to make one last attempt and the way she is doing it is by getting the son away from friends/family and his support system.

The whole thing is setting of warning bells for me.

How is DIL controlling when she wants to take a no screen trip away from her spouse? They are married and plenty of married people want uninterrupted time together? MIL is more controlling by getting this bothered by not being able to talk to her grown married son for 2 weeks. Shows she has major enmeshment issues that she needs to resolve.

DIL probably mentioned is because it came up in convo or she knew her husband doesn't have balls to bring it up himself to his mother.

It's very common to go away with no screens. I ask my husband to do that a lot when we are away.

I disagree with your assessment because of how the husband responded to the announcement. His response was to sit there mutely. That is not the response of someone who supports what his wife is saying; that is the response of someone who is being intimidated into something he doesn't want to do. If I knew him I would start considering whether his wife was an emotional (or other) type of abuser who was trying to control her husband and alienate him from his support group. My response would have been different if he had said "Yeah, Mom, Larla is right. When we go away we'll be on 'no phone' status. I'll talk to you when we get back." He didn't.

LOL

Now I’ve heard it all.

OP, you better schedule an intervention with your son to save him from his abusive wife! A vacation without daily calls to mom is the telltale sign your baby boy is being abused! He NEEDS you to save him! Better cancel this whole vacation altogether. Give him the gift of a retainer for a divorce attorney.

You seem to not acknowledge the difference between the plan to go no-contact (which is fine) and the way communicating that plan has been handled (which is not fine).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is weird that this came from the DIL entirely. OP sounds weird and clingy but the DIL sounds overbearing and controlling.

+1 Concise description.

And to round out the list of characters: DH/son sounds like a weak doormat, unable to speak for himself and submissive to both the women in his life.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm used to talking to my son on the phone just about every day. His wife told us when she and my son were over the other day that they plan on being screen free for the entirety of their vacation the next 2 weeks because they want to spend that time being completely focused on each other as a couple.

My son's wife told us that they will let the families know when they safely land and then after that no phones. Two weeks seems like a long time not to be able to have any contact with my son. Does this seem reasonable to you? Is this my DIL's way of asserting dominance and letting me know I'm calling too much? [twitter]

Is this a joke? You can’t go two weeks without talking to your adult son who is married?? Grow up.

I don't see why everyone is giving OP so much flack and why it makes a difference whether or not her son is married. If people think OP is too enmeshed with her son wouldn't she be too enmeshed regardless of his marital status? So throwing in the fact he is married should be irrelevant in this case.

Also, yes OP is entitled to her feelings and going from daily phone calls to not talking to someone at all for 2 weeks can be very daunting and upsetting.

Her son being married shouldn't mean his mother's feelings should go completely out the window. I feel like on here the minute a man gets married it's all about the wife and her feelings but screw the mother's feelings she should no longer matter and the husband should never take his mother's feelings into consideration.

It’s simple her feelings do not matter here. They just don’t. She needs to shut up and put ip for all of two weeks. After that she can go back to the calls, as her son allows. Wife and couples feelings come first here. Trust the son knew that the *bomb* would be dropped during that convo. He’s probably waiting and bracing himself for her to come to him asking for an exception.

+100000 to the last paragraph. Why are so many posters assuming that DIL/son didn't have this conversation before they went over to MIL's for dinner?.

If they did have that conversation and DH stayed completely silent/ he is both a bad husband and a bad son.

Why would that make him a bad son? Isn't it his responsibility to be a husband before a son?

Two things,

1. First, his responsibility is to be a good human and be thoughtful about all of the people in his life. This is not binary. Being married does not mean that you no longer care about your relationships with anyone else in your life.

2. To be a good and supportive husband would be to actively express support for this "joint" decision and not let his wife carry the full load. He could have spoken up with a sentence fo two about how he thought this was good for them, that he was lookig for the time to disconnect, but that they would of course be reachable in a true emergency, etc.

I'm not saying not to be a good human but backing up your wife in this case and not talking to mom for 2 weeks doesn't make you a bad son. If the husband is pushing back to his wife and saying he can't go no screens because his as far as we know perfectly healthy mom can't go without talking for 2 weeks that's a major problem and shows that husband is too enmeshed with his mom. What's more important here being able to unplug for 2 weeks or catering to mommy's needs. So no mother doesn't get a say at all here. Also if wife can go no contact for 2 weeks and be willing to unplug from her family why can't he?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm used to talking to my son on the phone just about every day. His wife told us when she and my son were over the other day that they plan on being screen free for the entirety of their vacation the next 2 weeks because they want to spend that time being completely focused on each other as a couple.

My son's wife told us that they will let the families know when they safely land and then after that no phones. Two weeks seems like a long time not to be able to have any contact with my son. Does this seem reasonable to you? Is this my DIL's way of asserting dominance and letting me know I'm calling too much? [twitter]

Is this a joke? You can’t go two weeks without talking to your adult son who is married?? Grow up.

I don't see why everyone is giving OP so much flack and why it makes a difference whether or not her son is married. If people think OP is too enmeshed with her son wouldn't she be too enmeshed regardless of his marital status? So throwing in the fact he is married should be irrelevant in this case.

Also, yes OP is entitled to her feelings and going from daily phone calls to not talking to someone at all for 2 weeks can be very daunting and upsetting.

Her son being married shouldn't mean his mother's feelings should go completely out the window. I feel like on here the minute a man gets married it's all about the wife and her feelings but screw the mother's feelings she should no longer matter and the husband should never take his mother's feelings into consideration.

It’s simple her feelings do not matter here. They just don’t. She needs to shut up and put ip for all of two weeks. After that she can go back to the calls, as her son allows. Wife and couples feelings come first here. Trust the son knew that the *bomb* would be dropped during that convo. He’s probably waiting and bracing himself for her to come to him asking for an exception.

+100000 to the last paragraph. Why are so many posters assuming that DIL/son didn't have this conversation before they went over to MIL's for dinner?.

If they did have that conversation and DH stayed completely silent/ he is both a bad husband and a bad son.

Why would that make him a bad son? Isn't it his responsibility to be a husband before a son?

Two things,

1. First, his responsibility is to be a good human and be thoughtful about all of the people in his life. This is not binary. Being married does not mean that you no longer care about your relationships with anyone else in your life.

2. To be a good and supportive husband would be to actively express support for this "joint" decision and not let his wife carry the full load. He could have spoken up with a sentence fo two about how he thought this was good for them, that he was lookig for the time to disconnect, but that they would of course be reachable in a true emergency, etc.

I'm not saying not to be a good human but backing up your wife in this case and not talking to mom for 2 weeks doesn't make you a bad son. If the husband is pushing back to his wife and saying he can't go no screens because his as far as we know perfectly healthy mom can't go without talking for 2 weeks that's a major problem and shows that husband is too enmeshed with his mom. What's more important here being able to unplug for 2 weeks or catering to mommy's needs. So no mother doesn't get a say at all here. Also if wife can go no contact for 2 weeks and be willing to unplug from her family why can't he?

I did not say that there was anything wrong with him going no contact. What I said was that he SHOULD, as you say, "back up his wife". Did you read my second point?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know who sounds controlling to me? The DIL.

It is weird that the son didn't express agreement or disagreement when his wife made the announcement. I also think the 2-week focus thing is odd. Any relationship that needs 2 weeks of one-on-one focus is a relationship that is floundering. It sounds to me like the DIL is trying to make one last attempt and the way she is doing it is by getting the son away from friends/family and his support system.

The whole thing is setting of warning bells for me.

How is DIL controlling when she wants to take a no screen trip away from her spouse? They are married and plenty of married people want uninterrupted time together? MIL is more controlling by getting this bothered by not being able to talk to her grown married son for 2 weeks. Shows she has major enmeshment issues that she needs to resolve.

DIL probably mentioned is because it came up in convo or she knew her husband doesn't have balls to bring it up himself to his mother.

It's very common to go away with no screens. I ask my husband to do that a lot when we are away.

I disagree with your assessment because of how the husband responded to the announcement. His response was to sit there mutely. That is not the response of someone who supports what his wife is saying; that is the response of someone who is being intimidated into something he doesn't want to do. If I knew him I would start considering whether his wife was an emotional (or other) type of abuser who was trying to control her husband and alienate him from his support group. My response would have been different if he had said "Yeah, Mom, Larla is right. When we go away we'll be on 'no phone' status. I'll talk to you when we get back." He didn't.

+1

Nope. I think it was more likely that the son was trying to work up the courage to tell his mom to back off, but he chickens out. His wife finally said *she* would do it and the son left her out to dry when he didn’t pipe up in support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are calling too much. It is unreasonable to expect to talk to your adult son during his vacation with his wife. Talking once a week to an adult child is more normal—maybe 2-3 times a week. The frequency you mention is more normal for middle aged kids with elderly parents where the kids want to make sure mom has not fallen down and feels bad she is bored and has no life. It’s nice you have a close relationship with your son. Maybe call him during the work day so you’re not stealing time from his wife?

I'm 60 years old and I work and I'm completely able bodied. I just don't like the idea of going from 100 to zero of talking to my son just about everyday to going 2 weeks. He will alone with his wife alone everyday for 2 weeks. Surely me calling my son for 5-10 minutes out of the 24 hours in a day can't interfere that much with his time with his wife.

We have adult DC's. That couple, your son and DIL, are on vacation. Leave them alone and let them occasionally text you some pics of stuff like great meal. Yes you calling whenever is a pain. We don't call adult DC's during their work days. It would have to be a major medical emergency or other such event to trigger that kind of call. One set calls when walking the dog or whatever.

Parents are ideal people to call when doing stuff like walking to the car while pushing the cart at a grocery store or home depot. This mandatory talk to mommy whenever she wants to call is silly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know who sounds controlling to me? The DIL.

It is weird that the son didn't express agreement or disagreement when his wife made the announcement. I also think the 2-week focus thing is odd. Any relationship that needs 2 weeks of one-on-one focus is a relationship that is floundering. It sounds to me like the DIL is trying to make one last attempt and the way she is doing it is by getting the son away from friends/family and his support system.

The whole thing is setting of warning bells for me.

How is DIL controlling when she wants to take a no screen trip away from her spouse? They are married and plenty of married people want uninterrupted time together? MIL is more controlling by getting this bothered by not being able to talk to her grown married son for 2 weeks. Shows she has major enmeshment issues that she needs to resolve.

DIL probably mentioned is because it came up in convo or she knew her husband doesn't have balls to bring it up himself to his mother.

It's very common to go away with no screens. I ask my husband to do that a lot when we are away.

I disagree with your assessment because of how the husband responded to the announcement. His response was to sit there mutely. That is not the response of someone who supports what his wife is saying; that is the response of someone who is being intimidated into something he doesn't want to do. If I knew him I would start considering whether his wife was an emotional (or other) type of abuser who was trying to control her husband and alienate him from his support group. My response would have been different if he had said "Yeah, Mom, Larla is right. When we go away we'll be on 'no phone' status. I'll talk to you when we get back." He didn't.

+1

Nope. I think it was more likely that the son was trying to work up the courage to tell his mom to back off, but he chickens out. His wife finally said *she* would do it and the son left her out to dry when he didn’t pipe up in support.

Yeah that's how I read it too. I think it's extremely odd that this other poster went right to the wife being abusive. I mean how many posts do we see on here that shows that the husband doesn't have the balls to stand up to mommy and puts the needs of his wife first? The he hangs his wife to dry?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm used to talking to my son on the phone just about every day. His wife told us when she and my son were over the other day that they plan on being screen free for the entirety of their vacation the next 2 weeks because they want to spend that time being completely focused on each other as a couple.

My son's wife told us that they will let the families know when they safely land and then after that no phones. Two weeks seems like a long time not to be able to have any contact with my son. Does this seem reasonable to you? Is this my DIL's way of asserting dominance and letting me know I'm calling too much? [twitter]

Is this a joke? You can’t go two weeks without talking to your adult son who is married?? Grow up.

I don't see why everyone is giving OP so much flack and why it makes a difference whether or not her son is married. If people think OP is too enmeshed with her son wouldn't she be too enmeshed regardless of his marital status? So throwing in the fact he is married should be irrelevant in this case.

Also, yes OP is entitled to her feelings and going from daily phone calls to not talking to someone at all for 2 weeks can be very daunting and upsetting.

Her son being married shouldn't mean his mother's feelings should go completely out the window. I feel like on here the minute a man gets married it's all about the wife and her feelings but screw the mother's feelings she should no longer matter and the husband should never take his mother's feelings into consideration.

It’s simple her feelings do not matter here. They just don’t. She needs to shut up and put ip for all of two weeks. After that she can go back to the calls, as her son allows. Wife and couples feelings come first here. Trust the son knew that the *bomb* would be dropped during that convo. He’s probably waiting and bracing himself for her to come to him asking for an exception.

+100000 to the last paragraph. Why are so many posters assuming that DIL/son didn't have this conversation before they went over to MIL's for dinner?.

If they did have that conversation and DH stayed completely silent/ he is both a bad husband and a bad son.

Why would that make him a bad son? Isn't it his responsibility to be a husband before a son?

Two things,

1. First, his responsibility is to be a good human and be thoughtful about all of the people in his life. This is not binary. Being married does not mean that you no longer care about your relationships with anyone else in your life.

2. To be a good and supportive husband would be to actively express support for this "joint" decision and not let his wife carry the full load. He could have spoken up with a sentence fo two about how he thought this was good for them, that he was lookig for the time to disconnect, but that they would of course be reachable in a true emergency, etc.

I'm not saying not to be a good human but backing up your wife in this case and not talking to mom for 2 weeks doesn't make you a bad son. If the husband is pushing back to his wife and saying he can't go no screens because his as far as we know perfectly healthy mom can't go without talking for 2 weeks that's a major problem and shows that husband is too enmeshed with his mom. What's more important here being able to unplug for 2 weeks or catering to mommy's needs. So no mother doesn't get a say at all here. Also if wife can go no contact for 2 weeks and be willing to unplug from her family why can't he?

I did not say that there was anything wrong with him going no contact. What I said was that he SHOULD, as you say, "back up his wife". Did you read my second point?

Why did you put back up his wife in quotes. That's what he should be doing, no?