Going no screens on a vacation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two, or even three, things can be true at the same time:

1. Taking a “no outside contact” vacation is good and healthy for individuals and relationships.
2. The person who is accustomed to daily contact and will not be getting it can have a hard time with that.
3. A mother can want to talk directly to her son (that she is accustomed to talking to one-on-one daily) to understand the decison. And to hopefully hear from him why it is important and why she shouldn’t worry.

#3 is the only point I disagree with. Again it goes back to why does a married couple owe MIL an explanation as to why? DIL already stated that they are doing no screen times for both sides of the family and friends for 2 weeks. The son and his wife is an adult who can make decisions for themselves without them needing to run it by mommy or giving mommy an explanation for it. They don't owe her a why. Again them being a married couple who makes decisions for themselves and all.

Isn't the bigger concern here that mother can't let her son breathe and go 2 weeks without talking to him clearly there are enmeshment issues on mom's end here. What is their to worry about? Again we are assuming son doesn't have any major health issues at play as I'm sure OP would have mentioned that in her original post.

I understand MIL is used to daily contact with her son but that doesn't mean they are out of line for setting the boundaries now. MIL just has to deal with their decision and get over it. Their relationship as a married couple comes before the mother/son relationship.

I'm baffled that some people on here thinks the mother is entitled to her son justifying their decision to her or to in a sense get her permission or that she is even an owed an explanation in the first place.

For a normal health mother/son relationship the correct response and normal response should and would be ok guys I will miss talking to you son but I understand that you guys want to connect as a married couple without interruptions but I can't wait to hear all about your trip when you get back.

This response seems like I blur two of the three things. I didn’t at all imply that the couple is “out of line” for the no contact plan. In fact, I affirmed it.

What I said was that a mother can want a conversation with her son to understand it better. I agree of course that if push came to shove the son should “choose” his wife. But that is not the situation. The situation is one in which this man has had an obviously very “enmeshed” relationship with his mother for a long time. They have, and are not necessarily wrong to have, an independent relationship. In my mind, the fact that a person is married does not mean they have no distinct relationships or agency. The man can have a conversation with his mother to assuage her concerns (whether warranted or not) without backing down or betraying the marriage.

It can become a slippery slope though because once the son opens up that can of worms of assuaging his mother's concerns it opens up to his mother trying to get him to back down on the agreement or to make him feel guilty which isn't healthy. I disagree that it's not betraying the marriage in a sense because where will it end? If the son coddles his mom and pacifies his mom on this issue what about the next issue? Soon he may have to justify or explain every marriage decision to his mother and that isn't a good precedent to set.

There are no concerns to be had. This is a perfectly healthy and normal things many couples do especially given the fact the DIL isn't applying it just to his side of the family but also her side as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm used to talking to my son on the phone just about every day. His wife told us when she and my son were over the other day that they plan on being screen free for the entirety of their vacation the next 2 weeks because they want to spend that time being completely focused on each other as a couple.

My son's wife told us that they will let the families know when they safely land and then after that no phones. Two weeks seems like a long time not to be able to have any contact with my son. Does this seem reasonable to you? Is this my DIL's way of asserting dominance and letting me know I'm calling too much? [twitter]

Is this a joke? You can’t go two weeks without talking to your adult son who is married?? Grow up.

I don't see why everyone is giving OP so much flack and why it makes a difference whether or not her son is married. If people think OP is too enmeshed with her son wouldn't she be too enmeshed regardless of his marital status? So throwing in the fact he is married should be irrelevant in this case.

Also, yes OP is entitled to her feelings and going from daily phone calls to not talking to someone at all for 2 weeks can be very daunting and upsetting.

Her son being married shouldn't mean his mother's feelings should go completely out the window. I feel like on here the minute a man gets married it's all about the wife and her feelings but screw the mother's feelings she should no longer matter and the husband should never take his mother's feelings into consideration.

It’s simple her feelings do not matter here. They just don’t. She needs to shut up and put ip for all of two weeks. After that she can go back to the calls, as her son allows. Wife and couples feelings come first here. Trust the son knew that the *bomb* would be dropped during that convo. He’s probably waiting and bracing himself for her to come to him asking for an exception.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm used to talking to my son on the phone just about every day. His wife told us when she and my son were over the other day that they plan on being screen free for the entirety of their vacation the next 2 weeks because they want to spend that time being completely focused on each other as a couple.

My son's wife told us that they will let the families know when they safely land and then after that no phones. Two weeks seems like a long time not to be able to have any contact with my son. Does this seem reasonable to you? Is this my DIL's way of asserting dominance and letting me know I'm calling too much? [twitter]

It seems weird that his wife told you this rule, not him. What’s wrong with your son that he can’t speak for himself?

Who cares who told them? They are a married couple and if the son didn't speak up then I think it's safe to assume that he is on board.

The wife probably knows that the OP is clingy and overbearing so wanted to nip it in the bud.

Let's take a look at the big picture here of what the real concern is. It's not that the wife mentioned it it's that the MIL can't go 2 weeks without speaking to her married adult son even after they communicate that they safely landed so that he can be bonded and focused on his wife.

Also have you thought about the possibility that a lot of men can't speak up to their mothers or their families so the wife is put in the unfortunate position of doing so so that MIL doesn't bug them everyday on vacation?

If someone who I talk to every day decides they don’t want to talk to me every day, I would expect to hear it from that person, not a third party. If the son doesn’t want to talk to her, he can tell her, or not answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess if everyone unanimously agrees that I'm being overbearing and not respecting my son and his wife that I just got to accept that I won't hear from my son for 2 weeks. Maybe I'll plan an outing with some girlfriends one evening. I do work but it's part time. I am married but my husband works a ton so we aren't around each other much. Maybe he can take some time off and we can do something like day trips or even an overnight trip ourselves.

I just wish it was my son who relayed the message to me and not my DIL.

Why would you prefer the message came from your son? How would that make it easier to hear?

My guess is she feels more comfortable railroading her son and getting him to agree to what she wants. I bet this request from her DIL caught her off guard (which is precisely why they did it this way…)

Taking the OP where she is, which is talking to her son everyday, apparently forever, yes I can see how it would be jarring and even upsetting to go two weeks. Is it an odd situation to begin with? Yes, but apparently it has been acceptable/working for her and her son for this long. Does she need to accept it? Of course. But is she wrong to be hurt/worried about it? Of course not.

And I'm surprised at all of the people saying she shouldn't talk directly to her son about it. So often, I see posters asserting that the DH should be the only one that interacts with the inlaws. "Tell your DH to tell her...." "Your DH needs to enforce your boundary for you..." etc.

Her son is a grown adult here who as far as I know has no medical issues that would cause worry when he is away. So what's the big worry here? That he will get kidnapped or something?

He is a grown man and if husband's mother is that concerned about not being in contact with her son that she is taking to a message board about it that speaks to her enmeshment with her son and that she must not have much else going on in her life. Which is why I strongly suggested maybe calling up some girlfriends or planning a night with her own husband. If MIL had more going on in her life clearly this wouldn't be an issue.

People are saying not to address it with her son because her DIL already made it clear they are going no screens with all family and friends so what purpose would that serve except going behind DIL's back to get her son to change their "rule" or vacation boundary. Because let's be honest here that would be the only purpose of that conversation would ultimately be to get her son on "her side" and guilt him into changing that was agreed upon by him and wife.

Then if the result is that MIL gets what she wants that shows husband has no back bone and will cater to whatever his mommy wants over his wife. That won't bode well for their marriage.

I agree with the suggestion of him letting his mom know where he is staying in case mom has a TRUE emergency she knows where to get a hold of him. I miss my son isn't an emergency either.

Re the bolded: how often do we see posts about a DH interacting with a MIL and expressing a view/stance that is not at all what the DW wanted? This board is FILLED with posts about a couple not agreeing on things as it relates to family. For a mother to ask her son (again taking their relationship as it is, that she is EXTREMELY close with) to be sure that what was expressed is what he wants, is not necessarily awful. To speak to her son about her own feelings is also not awful. IF it goes beyond asking and expressing her own feelings, and into manipulation and bullying, then it is wrong. This is a mother who has a relationship with her son, and the issue is about her communication with her son. Generally, we advise people to talk directly to the person involved, and in this case it is the son.

And to be clear- if it actually is their choice to have no contact for two weeks, I absolutely commend that and they should stand by it. It sounds wonderful and probably a good decision for their relationship and their mental health. I do not at all think there is anything wrong with that. I just also see why this particular mother with this particular son, would talk to him about it and have some trepidations.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm used to talking to my son on the phone just about every day. His wife told us when she and my son were over the other day that they plan on being screen free for the entirety of their vacation the next 2 weeks because they want to spend that time being completely focused on each other as a couple.

My son's wife told us that they will let the families know when they safely land and then after that no phones. Two weeks seems like a long time not to be able to have any contact with my son. Does this seem reasonable to you? Is this my DIL's way of asserting dominance and letting me know I'm calling too much? [twitter]

It seems weird that his wife told you this rule, not him. What’s wrong with your son that he can’t speak for himself?

Who cares who told them? They are a married couple and if the son didn't speak up then I think it's safe to assume that he is on board.

The wife probably knows that the OP is clingy and overbearing so wanted to nip it in the bud.

Let's take a look at the big picture here of what the real concern is. It's not that the wife mentioned it it's that the MIL can't go 2 weeks without speaking to her married adult son even after they communicate that they safely landed so that he can be bonded and focused on his wife.

Also have you thought about the possibility that a lot of men can't speak up to their mothers or their families so the wife is put in the unfortunate position of doing so so that MIL doesn't bug them everyday on vacation?

If someone who I talk to every day decides they don’t want to talk to me every day, I would expect to hear it from that person, not a third party. If the son doesn’t want to talk to her, he can tell her, or not answer.

It isn't personal to MIL though. It isn't that the son is just up and deciding one day not to talk to his mother everyday. I think you all are missing that it isn't personal to her and that DIL actually made it very clear in conversation to MIL that they are going screen free from everyone even her side of the family.

Your point would make sense if it was just a random day and the DIL told MIL hey Bob isn't going to talk to you everyday anymore as they would be personal to her. She made a statement that they are going screen free from everyone for 2 weeks. This isn't personal to MIL at all. We also don't know the context in which DIL said it. Maybe they were all eating dinner and they were talking about their upcoming vacation and DIL while it was on her mind decided to throw it into the conversation that they are going screen free while she remembered to mention it. But as usual on these boards MIL is deciding to run with it and make it personal to her when that isn't that case here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm used to talking to my son on the phone just about every day. His wife told us when she and my son were over the other day that they plan on being screen free for the entirety of their vacation the next 2 weeks because they want to spend that time being completely focused on each other as a couple.

My son's wife told us that they will let the families know when they safely land and then after that no phones. Two weeks seems like a long time not to be able to have any contact with my son. Does this seem reasonable to you? Is this my DIL's way of asserting dominance and letting me know I'm calling too much? [twitter]

Is this a joke? You can’t go two weeks without talking to your adult son who is married?? Grow up.

I don't see why everyone is giving OP so much flack and why it makes a difference whether or not her son is married. If people think OP is too enmeshed with her son wouldn't she be too enmeshed regardless of his marital status? So throwing in the fact he is married should be irrelevant in this case.

Also, yes OP is entitled to her feelings and going from daily phone calls to not talking to someone at all for 2 weeks can be very daunting and upsetting.

Her son being married shouldn't mean his mother's feelings should go completely out the window. I feel like on here the minute a man gets married it's all about the wife and her feelings but screw the mother's feelings she should no longer matter and the husband should never take his mother's feelings into consideration.

It’s simple her feelings do not matter here. They just don’t. She needs to shut up and put ip for all of two weeks. After that she can go back to the calls, as her son allows. Wife and couples feelings come first here. Trust the son knew that the *bomb* would be dropped during that convo. He’s probably waiting and bracing himself for her to come to him asking for an exception.

+100000 to the last paragraph. Why are so many posters assuming that DIL/son didn't have this conversation before they went over to MIL's for dinner?.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm used to talking to my son on the phone just about every day. His wife told us when she and my son were over the other day that they plan on being screen free for the entirety of their vacation the next 2 weeks because they want to spend that time being completely focused on each other as a couple.

My son's wife told us that they will let the families know when they safely land and then after that no phones. Two weeks seems like a long time not to be able to have any contact with my son. Does this seem reasonable to you? Is this my DIL's way of asserting dominance and letting me know I'm calling too much? [twitter]

Is this a joke? You can’t go two weeks without talking to your adult son who is married?? Grow up.

I don't see why everyone is giving OP so much flack and why it makes a difference whether or not her son is married. If people think OP is too enmeshed with her son wouldn't she be too enmeshed regardless of his marital status? So throwing in the fact he is married should be irrelevant in this case.

Also, yes OP is entitled to her feelings and going from daily phone calls to not talking to someone at all for 2 weeks can be very daunting and upsetting.

Her son being married shouldn't mean his mother's feelings should go completely out the window. I feel like on here the minute a man gets married it's all about the wife and her feelings but screw the mother's feelings she should no longer matter and the husband should never take his mother's feelings into consideration.

It’s simple her feelings do not matter here. They just don’t. She needs to shut up and put ip for all of two weeks. After that she can go back to the calls, as her son allows. Wife and couples feelings come first here. Trust the son knew that the *bomb* would be dropped during that convo. He’s probably waiting and bracing himself for her to come to him asking for an exception.

+100000 to the last paragraph. Why are so many posters assuming that DIL/son didn't have this conversation before they went over to MIL's for dinner?.

If they did have that conversation and DH stayed completely silent/ he is both a bad husband and a bad son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm used to talking to my son on the phone just about every day. His wife told us when she and my son were over the other day that they plan on being screen free for the entirety of their vacation the next 2 weeks because they want to spend that time being completely focused on each other as a couple.

My son's wife told us that they will let the families know when they safely land and then after that no phones. Two weeks seems like a long time not to be able to have any contact with my son. Does this seem reasonable to you? Is this my DIL's way of asserting dominance and letting me know I'm calling too much? [twitter]

Is this a joke? You can’t go two weeks without talking to your adult son who is married?? Grow up.

I don't see why everyone is giving OP so much flack and why it makes a difference whether or not her son is married. If people think OP is too enmeshed with her son wouldn't she be too enmeshed regardless of his marital status? So throwing in the fact he is married should be irrelevant in this case.

Also, yes OP is entitled to her feelings and going from daily phone calls to not talking to someone at all for 2 weeks can be very daunting and upsetting.

Her son being married shouldn't mean his mother's feelings should go completely out the window. I feel like on here the minute a man gets married it's all about the wife and her feelings but screw the mother's feelings she should no longer matter and the husband should never take his mother's feelings into consideration.

It’s simple her feelings do not matter here. They just don’t. She needs to shut up and put ip for all of two weeks. After that she can go back to the calls, as her son allows. Wife and couples feelings come first here. Trust the son knew that the *bomb* would be dropped during that convo. He’s probably waiting and bracing himself for her to come to him asking for an exception.

+100000 to the last paragraph. Why are so many posters assuming that DIL/son didn't have this conversation before they went over to MIL's for dinner?.

If they did have that conversation and DH stayed completely silent/ he is both a bad husband and a bad son.

Why would that make him a bad son? Isn't it his responsibility to be a husband before a son?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are calling too much. It is unreasonable to expect to talk to your adult son during his vacation with his wife. Talking once a week to an adult child is more normal—maybe 2-3 times a week. The frequency you mention is more normal for middle aged kids with elderly parents where the kids want to make sure mom has not fallen down and feels bad she is bored and has no life. It’s nice you have a close relationship with your son. Maybe call him during the work day so you’re not stealing time from his wife?

I'm going to ask my son over the phone before they go on vacation if I can at least call him in the morning 2x a week.

Oh my god, stop! I have grown kids and grandkids. I never bother them on vacation. If they send me a text, I reply. Give them a break. Coincidentally, I don’t call my kids when I’m on vacation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm used to talking to my son on the phone just about every day. His wife told us when she and my son were over the other day that they plan on being screen free for the entirety of their vacation the next 2 weeks because they want to spend that time being completely focused on each other as a couple.

My son's wife told us that they will let the families know when they safely land and then after that no phones. Two weeks seems like a long time not to be able to have any contact with my son. Does this seem reasonable to you? Is this my DIL's way of asserting dominance and letting me know I'm calling too much? [twitter]

Is this a joke? You can’t go two weeks without talking to your adult son who is married?? Grow up.

I don't see why everyone is giving OP so much flack and why it makes a difference whether or not her son is married. If people think OP is too enmeshed with her son wouldn't she be too enmeshed regardless of his marital status? So throwing in the fact he is married should be irrelevant in this case.

Also, yes OP is entitled to her feelings and going from daily phone calls to not talking to someone at all for 2 weeks can be very daunting and upsetting.

Her son being married shouldn't mean his mother's feelings should go completely out the window. I feel like on here the minute a man gets married it's all about the wife and her feelings but screw the mother's feelings she should no longer matter and the husband should never take his mother's feelings into consideration.

It’s simple her feelings do not matter here. They just don’t. She needs to shut up and put ip for all of two weeks. After that she can go back to the calls, as her son allows. Wife and couples feelings come first here. Trust the son knew that the *bomb* would be dropped during that convo. He’s probably waiting and bracing himself for her to come to him asking for an exception.

+100000 to the last paragraph. Why are so many posters assuming that DIL/son didn't have this conversation before they went over to MIL's for dinner?.

If they did have that conversation and DH stayed completely silent/ he is both a bad husband and a bad son.

Why would that make him a bad son? Isn't it his responsibility to be a husband before a son?

Being married doesn't mean you stop being a son. You can love your wife but also want to consider your mom's feelings at the same time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP. Is there any wiggle room allowed for me here? Am I allowed to be upset that I have to go straight from daily phone calls to no contact at all for 2 weeks? That's a drastic change from what I'm used to and I just wish there was some middle ground for compromise. I wish that DILs on here remember that yes they are married and the wife should definitely be the most important woman in her husband's life but his mother doesn't go out the window just because he is married. My feelings still matter too.

OMG you’re so embarrassing. It’s like a toddler got hold of an iPad.

I agree. My grown kids would turn off their phones if OP was me. Crazy!

[Anonymous]

Picture this: You have a best friend you talk to one or more times a day. She is happily married and you like the husband well enough. Over dinner one day with that couple, the husband informs you that they are going on vacation and won’t be talking to anyone at all for two weeks. Your best friend says nothing at all. Mute.

Do you not mention this at all to your friend? You don’t bring it up because doing so would undermine them as “a married unit”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm used to talking to my son on the phone just about every day. His wife told us when she and my son were over the other day that they plan on being screen free for the entirety of their vacation the next 2 weeks because they want to spend that time being completely focused on each other as a couple.

My son's wife told us that they will let the families know when they safely land and then after that no phones. Two weeks seems like a long time not to be able to have any contact with my son. Does this seem reasonable to you? Is this my DIL's way of asserting dominance and letting me know I'm calling too much? [twitter]

It seems weird that his wife told you this rule, not him. What’s wrong with your son that he can’t speak for himself?

Who cares who told them? They are a married couple and if the son didn't speak up then I think it's safe to assume that he is on board.

The wife probably knows that the OP is clingy and overbearing so wanted to nip it in the bud.

Let's take a look at the big picture here of what the real concern is. It's not that the wife mentioned it it's that the MIL can't go 2 weeks without speaking to her married adult son even after they communicate that they safely landed so that he can be bonded and focused on his wife.

Also have you thought about the possibility that a lot of men can't speak up to their mothers or their families so the wife is put in the unfortunate position of doing so so that MIL doesn't bug them everyday on vacation?

If someone who I talk to every day decides they don’t want to talk to me every day, I would expect to hear it from that person, not a third party. If the son doesn’t want to talk to her, he can tell her, or not answer.

Absolutely this. Weird to just hear it from DIL of she talks to DS so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Picture this: You have a best friend you talk to one or more times a day. She is happily married and you like the husband well enough. Over dinner one day with that couple, the husband informs you that they are going on vacation and won’t be talking to anyone at all for two weeks. Your best friend says nothing at all. Mute.

Do you not mention this at all to your friend? You don’t bring it up because doing so would undermine them as “a married unit”?

No, because I have a life and I’m just not that needy. If my friend wants to talk to me, she can reach out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Picture this: You have a best friend you talk to one or more times a day. She is happily married and you like the husband well enough. Over dinner one day with that couple, the husband informs you that they are going on vacation and won’t be talking to anyone at all for two weeks. Your best friend says nothing at all. Mute.

Do you not mention this at all to your friend? You don’t bring it up because doing so would undermine them as “a married unit”?

No, because I have a life and I’m just not that needy. If my friend wants to talk to me, she can reach out.

Cool. But just to be clear, you don’t say anything because you “have a life” and are just not interested. It has nothing to do with the fact that you are respecting “the married unit”, right?