Anyone find it hard not to be judgy of low status family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Hmm.
What's particularly difficult, and apparently impossible for you, is to step into somebody else's shoes and really understand why they're making these "wrong" decisions.
Either you'd find out that there actually is a good reason, or you'll have a lot more compassion for their foibles. Either way, you'll judge less!

As in why do they make poor decisions over and over? Why do they live like our terrible parents when we all vowed to give our kids more opportunity? I've asked. They can't answer. I thought most of it was just not realizing a better life was achievable, or how it was achievable. But then things went well for me, so the lifestyle and status my husband and I were able to achieve was on display. Not only did it show them what was achievable, we would bend over backwards to help show them the way. But they haven't changed.

I asked them if they use the grading system for their kids' schools. They said yes. I offered to help and they gave me the passwords. The system showed they had never logged on. Not once. Even after I walked them through it, six months later, still no logins from them. Like W-T-F. How can they be like this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
. . . , so the lifestyle and status my husband and I were able to achieve was on display.

Well, if your superior choices are clearly being displayed, I can't imagine why they wouldn't strive to be more like you.

Beats me. That there's a real puzzler.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Hmm.
What's particularly difficult, and apparently impossible for you, is to step into somebody else's shoes and really understand why they're making these "wrong" decisions.
Either you'd find out that there actually is a good reason, or you'll have a lot more compassion for their foibles. Either way, you'll judge less!

As in why do they make poor decisions over and over? Why do they live like our terrible parents when we all vowed to give our kids more opportunity? I've asked. They can't answer. I thought most of it was just not realizing a better life was achievable, or how it was achievable. But then things went well for me, so the lifestyle and status my husband and I were able to achieve was on display. Not only did it show them what was achievable, we would bend over backwards to help show them the way. But they haven't changed.

I asked them if they use the grading system for their kids' schools. They said yes. I offered to help and they gave me the passwords. The system showed they had never logged on. Not once. Even after I walked them through it, six months later, still no logins from them. Like W-T-F. How can they be like this?

Because it takes work to be a good parent and to make sacrifices. It's easier to be lazy and then blame someone else for your problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
Look, I'm not perfect, my husband isn't perfect, my kids aren't perfect, but at least I'm giving my kids a good shot at success. The rest of my family never left the economically depressed region we grew up in and it's becoming clear their kids will suffer the same fate. They're trapped due to lack of education and low skills and perpetual poor decisions. I don't expect 40-50 year old adults to boil the ocean and modify their life, but it's disgusting to see their ignorant and lazy parenting dooming another generation. And they can't claim ignorance because they saw the way my husband and I did it and I'm always giving sage advice. It's honestly hard to even go home for holidays because I hate to see it. It's like watching a slow motion car wreck.

You sound like a real peach to be around. There is nothing poor people take to better than someone yelling "BOOTSTRAPS! I did it and you should too!" And offering "sage" (unwanted) advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Hmm.
What's particularly difficult, and apparently impossible for you, is to step into somebody else's shoes and really understand why they're making these "wrong" decisions.
Either you'd find out that there actually is a good reason, or you'll have a lot more compassion for their foibles. Either way, you'll judge less!

As in why do they make poor decisions over and over? Why do they live like our terrible parents when we all vowed to give our kids more opportunity? I've asked. They can't answer. I thought most of it was just not realizing a better life was achievable, or how it was achievable. But then things went well for me, so the lifestyle and status my husband and I were able to achieve was on display. Not only did it show them what was achievable, we would bend over backwards to help show them the way. But they haven't changed.

I asked them if they use the grading system for their kids' schools. They said yes. I offered to help and they gave me the passwords. The system showed they had never logged on. Not once. Even after I walked them through it, six months later, still no logins from them. Like W-T-F. How can they be like this?

You checked back into the logins 6 months later? Weren't you too busy being "on display?"

You sound obnoxious, braggy, AND nosy. Good lord. They aren't going to change. Stop acting so holier than thou.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
Look, I'm not perfect, my husband isn't perfect, my kids aren't perfect, but at least I'm giving my kids a good shot at success. The rest of my family never left the economically depressed region we grew up in and it's becoming clear their kids will suffer the same fate. They're trapped due to lack of education and low skills and perpetual poor decisions. I don't expect 40-50 year old adults to boil the ocean and modify their life, but it's disgusting to see their ignorant and lazy parenting dooming another generation. And they can't claim ignorance because they saw the way my husband and I did it and I'm always giving sage advice. It's honestly hard to even go home for holidays because I hate to see it. It's like watching a slow motion car wreck.

You sound like a real peach to be around. There is nothing poor people take to better than someone yelling "BOOTSTRAPS! I did it and you should too!" And offering "sage" (unwanted) advice.

NP... and there's nothing more annoying than people who won't help themselves and then whine a lot about the way their lives are, like OP was describing about her sibling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
Look, I'm not perfect, my husband isn't perfect, my kids aren't perfect, but at least I'm giving my kids a good shot at success. The rest of my family never left the economically depressed region we grew up in and it's becoming clear their kids will suffer the same fate. They're trapped due to lack of education and low skills and perpetual poor decisions. I don't expect 40-50 year old adults to boil the ocean and modify their life, but it's disgusting to see their ignorant and lazy parenting dooming another generation. And they can't claim ignorance because they saw the way my husband and I did it and I'm always giving sage advice. It's honestly hard to even go home for holidays because I hate to see it. It's like watching a slow motion car wreck.

You sound like a real peach to be around. There is nothing poor people take to better than someone yelling "BOOTSTRAPS! I did it and you should too!" And offering "sage" (unwanted) advice.

I think this is true. No one wants a know it all telling them how they should be living their lives. If they are happy that is the important thing.

But if they are biotching about their kid's poor grades and you take the time to explain how to go about tracking their child's grades and progress...and they opt to just continue on same old same old, biotching the whole way. That gets old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Hmm.
What's particularly difficult, and apparently impossible for you, is to step into somebody else's shoes and really understand why they're making these "wrong" decisions.
Either you'd find out that there actually is a good reason, or you'll have a lot more compassion for their foibles. Either way, you'll judge less!

As in why do they make poor decisions over and over? Why do they live like our terrible parents when we all vowed to give our kids more opportunity? I've asked. They can't answer. I thought most of it was just not realizing a better life was achievable, or how it was achievable. But then things went well for me, so the lifestyle and status my husband and I were able to achieve was on display. Not only did it show them what was achievable, we would bend over backwards to help show them the way. But they haven't changed.

I asked them if they use the grading system for their kids' schools. They said yes. I offered to help and they gave me the passwords. The system showed they had never logged on. Not once. Even after I walked them through it, six months later, still no logins from them. Like W-T-F. How can they be like this?

Because it takes work to be a good parent and to make sacrifices. It's easier to be lazy and then blame someone else for your problems.

They "want" success for their kids but in all honestly they act like it will fall from the sky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
Look, I'm not perfect, my husband isn't perfect, my kids aren't perfect, but at least I'm giving my kids a good shot at success. The rest of my family never left the economically depressed region we grew up in and it's becoming clear their kids will suffer the same fate. They're trapped due to lack of education and low skills and perpetual poor decisions. I don't expect 40-50 year old adults to boil the ocean and modify their life, but it's disgusting to see their ignorant and lazy parenting dooming another generation. And they can't claim ignorance because they saw the way my husband and I did it and I'm always giving sage advice. It's honestly hard to even go home for holidays because I hate to see it. It's like watching a slow motion car wreck.

You sound like a real peach to be around. There is nothing poor people take to better than someone yelling "BOOTSTRAPS! I did it and you should too!" And offering "sage" (unwanted) advice.

I think this is true. No one wants a know it all telling them how they should be living their lives. If they are happy that is the important thing.

But if they are biotching about their kid's poor grades and you take the time to explain how to go about tracking their child's grades and progress...and they opt to just continue on same old same old, biotching the whole way. That gets old.

They're not happy.

And yes, that's one of a thousand examples where we think we're helping illuminate something that will help them prepare their kids, you think they're on the cusp of modifying a behavior, then you realize the parents don't change and it was all a waste of breath.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Hmm.
What's particularly difficult, and apparently impossible for you, is to step into somebody else's shoes and really understand why they're making these "wrong" decisions.
Either you'd find out that there actually is a good reason, or you'll have a lot more compassion for their foibles. Either way, you'll judge less!

As in why do they make poor decisions over and over? Why do they live like our terrible parents when we all vowed to give our kids more opportunity? I've asked. They can't answer. I thought most of it was just not realizing a better life was achievable, or how it was achievable. But then things went well for me, so the lifestyle and status my husband and I were able to achieve was on display. Not only did it show them what was achievable, we would bend over backwards to help show them the way. But they haven't changed.

I asked them if they use the grading system for their kids' schools. They said yes. I offered to help and they gave me the passwords. The system showed they had never logged on. Not once. Even after I walked them through it, six months later, still no logins from them. Like W-T-F. How can they be like this?

You checked back into the logins 6 months later? Weren't you too busy being "on display?"

You sound obnoxious, braggy, AND nosy. Good lord. They aren't going to change. Stop acting so holier than thou.

Why? As I said, it's one thing if you don't know success, don't have the faintest idea how to do it, how to help your kids achieve it, don't have anyone helping you, have no resources. It's a different story to have all of that and STILL raise hopeless children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
Look, I'm not perfect, my husband isn't perfect, my kids aren't perfect, but at least I'm giving my kids a good shot at success. The rest of my family never left the economically depressed region we grew up in and it's becoming clear their kids will suffer the same fate. They're trapped due to lack of education and low skills and perpetual poor decisions. I don't expect 40-50 year old adults to boil the ocean and modify their life, but it's disgusting to see their ignorant and lazy parenting dooming another generation. And they can't claim ignorance because they saw the way my husband and I did it and I'm always giving sage advice. It's honestly hard to even go home for holidays because I hate to see it. It's like watching a slow motion car wreck.

You sound like a real peach to be around. There is nothing poor people take to better than someone yelling "BOOTSTRAPS! I did it and you should too!" And offering "sage" (unwanted) advice.

I think this is true. No one wants a know it all telling them how they should be living their lives. If they are happy that is the important thing.

But if they are biotching about their kid's poor grades and you take the time to explain how to go about tracking their child's grades and progress...and they opt to just continue on same old same old, biotching the whole way. That gets old.

They're not happy.

And yes, that's one of a thousand examples where we think we're helping illuminate something that will help them prepare their kids, you think they're on the cusp of modifying a behavior, then you realize the parents don't change and it was all a waste of breath.

I don't understand it. I'm usually very grateful for any kind of helpful tips like that. Not annoying common sense stuff that everyone should already know but legitimate - "Wow, I didn't know that!" - sort of info that makes life easier and success more achievable.

[Anonymous]

OP - you worded your OP awkwardly and judgmentally, but I take your point. You are right, if that makes you feel any better. It's disappointing.

Don't give up on the nephews & nieces - they may surprise you. Talk to them directly. Send them books, write them letters. Tell them about jobs that may suit their skills & temperaments. Kids listen and internalize unusual discussions and ideas a lot more than you think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Hmm.
What's particularly difficult, and apparently impossible for you, is to step into somebody else's shoes and really understand why they're making these "wrong" decisions.
Either you'd find out that there actually is a good reason, or you'll have a lot more compassion for their foibles. Either way, you'll judge less!

A hundred bucks is a hundred bucks. If you choose to splurge on $100 jeans and now can't afford gas money, don't begrudge the kid who opted to buy the $40 jeans keep $60 to use as gas money. Kid A will be a fashion plate. Kid B will have less fun clothes but will be able to get to/from school or a job - vitally important for getting ahead.

When you see someone do that over and over and over again it gets old.

I teach in a very high FARMS school and it's tough seeing people make these kinds of choices over and over again. Coming to drop their kids off while talking on an iPhone and then telling the school they can't pay the $5 for the field trip to the science center so I pay for their kid to attend so they don't have to miss the experience. Driving an Escalade but saying they can't afford school supplies so I have to pay to supply them so their kid can do classwork and homework with appropriate supplies. Hearing kids talk about their X boxes and Playstation 3s, but not being able to concentrate since there wasn't enough food in the house for them to eat breakfast and their parent still hasn't sent in the FARMS form by the 3rd week of school, so I sneak them some cheese crackers and pray they're not allergic to anything in them since their parent hasn't turned in their allergy form either. It gets old. But it's not the kids' fault. So we do what we do to prevent them from feeling the effects of their parents choices. But they don't learn from their experiences growing up because their parents don't teach them that there's a different way and they think that all of these things just appear like magic. So the cycle is repeated. And so it goes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Hmm.
What's particularly difficult, and apparently impossible for you, is to step into somebody else's shoes and really understand why they're making these "wrong" decisions.
Either you'd find out that there actually is a good reason, or you'll have a lot more compassion for their foibles. Either way, you'll judge less!

A hundred bucks is a hundred bucks. If you choose to splurge on $100 jeans and now can't afford gas money, don't begrudge the kid who opted to buy the $40 jeans keep $60 to use as gas money. Kid A will be a fashion plate. Kid B will have less fun clothes but will be able to get to/from school or a job - vitally important for getting ahead.

When you see someone do that over and over and over again it gets old.

I teach in a very high FARMS school and it's tough seeing people make these kinds of choices over and over again. Coming to drop their kids off while talking on an iPhone and then telling the school they can't pay the $5 for the field trip to the science center so I pay for their kid to attend so they don't have to miss the experience. Driving an Escalade but saying they can't afford school supplies so I have to pay to supply them so their kid can do classwork and homework with appropriate supplies. Hearing kids talk about their X boxes and Playstation 3s, but not being able to concentrate since there wasn't enough food in the house for them to eat breakfast and their parent still hasn't sent in the FARMS form by the 3rd week of school, so I sneak them some cheese crackers and pray they're not allergic to anything in them since their parent hasn't turned in their allergy form either. It gets old. But it's not the kids' fault. So we do what we do to prevent them from feeling the effects of their parents choices. But they don't learn from their experiences growing up because their parents don't teach them that there's a different way and they think that all of these things just appear like magic. So the cycle is repeated. And so it goes.

Not OP, but yes, this, I totally agree with this. I grew up lower income, and my parents made sacrifices so we could live better. We didn't have the latest anything. I just don't understand how parents can do this. It's entitlement. That's all I can think of. They feel entitled to have all those expensive things even though they can't really afford it. Our HHI is $250K but we try to live below our means so that we can save a lot for college and retirement. We drive older cars (mine is over 10 yrs and is not a flashy car); don't get the latest gadgets; and don't buy designer clothes. My kids still don't have an xbox and they are MS/older ES.

[Anonymous]

OP here.
Yes, same mindset PPs have shared but honestly it's not even money decisions with my family. It's more-so behavior. I sort of forgive my parents for not having a damn clue, but when you see and touch and feel what my husband and I have achieved and we bend over backwards to help illuminate 'the game' and you still act like backwards losers? W-t-f.

Even absolute bear minimum things like watching grades online and course selection. Ignored.