Anyone find it hard not to be judgy of low status family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I valued education and got away from the backwards region we were raised in a-sap. But yes, we were lucky -- we were lucky because one bad break would ruin everything because our ignorant parents didn't prepare us in the slightest. So, when you try to help family prepare their kids and they're too dumb/lazy to follow any it's depressing. I won't eat crow. These are going to be poor dumb unprepared kids. It's clear as day their adult life is going to be miserable. And of course when it is it'll be because they had no chance, nobody wanted to help, "we did the best we could". Disgusting.

Plenty of poor people value education, but lack access to a public education sufficient to compete against MC children. Residential segregation is partly to blame. Charter schools siphoning off the best students and teachers is partly to blame.

[Anonymous]

No it always makes me think "there but for the grace of God go I." I had a lot of lucky breaks that my family members and friends from back home did not. Sure I put in the hard work as well but I can't and won't deny that fortune (right place, right time stuff) also gave me a big helping hand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you come across as half as patronizing IRL to your family, I can only imagine that it falls on deaf ears. You are so convinced that you and your DH have figured it all out and ignoring the sacrifices that you made. Sacrifices that they are unwilling to make. Most people actually do not want move away from the comfort and community of their hometown. It's true that they will not have the same opportunities to create wealth or gain "status" (whatever you mean by that...) but that's not the only measure of a happy life.

What I don't understand is why you are pressing the issue? I assume you're between the ages of 35-45, so have been maintaining your sibling relationships as an adult for 15-20 years. Why are you inserting yourself in their lives? Why can't you respect their choice of inaction? Accept it, move on.

If your nieces and nephews desire to leave the nest to follow a more successful path, they know how to get in touch with you to seek your "sage" advice.

To be clear, they WANT their children to be successful (college, professional careers, etc.). They KNOW their region is hopeless.

I think what motivates my husband and I is we know the feeling of not knowing any better. We see the doors that closing due to inaction. My family doesn't. The old 'you don't know what you don't know'.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No it always makes me think "there but for the grace of God go I." I had a lot of lucky breaks that my family members and friends from back home did not. Sure I put in the hard work as well but I can't and won't deny that fortune (right place, right time stuff) also gave me a big helping hand.

We're on the same page. But their kids will never be in the right place. The old 'luck is when preparation meets opportunity'.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP the title alone, not to mention the content, of this thread makes it crystal clear that you are the lowest of the "low status". And yes, I judge you. You're a classless puke.

We could easily cut them from our life completely. I'm a puke for trying to help family trapped in a low setting? You've never helped family? You've never mentored anyone? I'm not a puke, it's apparent I'm a schmuck for wasting my time.

I think it's just time to accept and love them for who they are.

No interest in associating with them if their kids are going to repeat the cycle. It's too horrifying to witness.

Well, then that's on you. And that is YOUR choice to stop associating with family members due to their socioeconomic status. If you can only value rich people that's a shame. There are lots of people living modest lives who are really great people to know.

I do understand protecting yourself from people who resent you. That is different than simply snubbing them for not living up to your lofty expectations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
Look, I'm not perfect, my husband isn't perfect, my kids aren't perfect, but at least I'm giving my kids a good shot at success. The rest of my family never left the economically depressed region we grew up in and it's becoming clear their kids will suffer the same fate. They're trapped due to lack of education and low skills and perpetual poor decisions. I don't expect 40-50 year old adults to boil the ocean and modify their life, but it's disgusting to see their ignorant and lazy parenting dooming another generation. And they can't claim ignorance because they saw the way my husband and I did it and I'm always giving sage advice. It's honestly hard to even go home for holidays because I hate to see it. It's like watching a slow motion car wreck.

How terrible that those ignorant fools don't bow down before your wisdom and sage advice! How awful for you.
P.S. You're using the phrase "boil the ocean" incorrectly.

+1
You are thinking you are so much better than your family and here you are misusing common phrases. Your low status is showing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP the title alone, not to mention the content, of this thread makes it crystal clear that you are the lowest of the "low status". And yes, I judge you. You're a classless puke.

We could easily cut them from our life completely. I'm a puke for trying to help family trapped in a low setting? You've never helped family? You've never mentored anyone? I'm not a puke, it's apparent I'm a schmuck for wasting my time.

I think it's just time to accept and love them for who they are.

No interest in associating with them if their kids are going to repeat the cycle. It's too horrifying to witness.

I wonder if you've ever actually witnessed something horrifying......

[Anonymous]

Boil the ocean was used correctly. Boil the ocean would mean telling her brothers and sisters to do really dramatic life changes, e.g. move to Georgetown, prepare kids for boarding school, parents go back to college and get professional careers, the parents are failures if kids don't qualify for Ivy League. You know, tasks to them that are impossible. It sounds like the OP is just giving minor advice on college prep which is far from boiling the ocean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP the title alone, not to mention the content, of this thread makes it crystal clear that you are the lowest of the "low status". And yes, I judge you. You're a classless puke.

We could easily cut them from our life completely. I'm a puke for trying to help family trapped in a low setting? You've never helped family? You've never mentored anyone? I'm not a puke, it's apparent I'm a schmuck for wasting my time.

I think it's just time to accept and love them for who they are.

No interest in associating with them if their kids are going to repeat the cycle. It's too horrifying to witness.

Well, then that's on you. And that is YOUR choice to stop associating with family members due to their socioeconomic status. If you can only value rich people that's a shame. There are lots of people living modest lives who are really great people to know.

I do understand protecting yourself from people who resent you. That is different than simply snubbing them for not living up to your lofty expectations.

Define lofty (in this context).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
Look, I'm not perfect, my husband isn't perfect, my kids aren't perfect, but at least I'm giving my kids a good shot at success. The rest of my family never left the economically depressed region we grew up in and it's becoming clear their kids will suffer the same fate. They're trapped due to lack of education and low skills and perpetual poor decisions. I don't expect 40-50 year old adults to boil the ocean and modify their life, but it's disgusting to see their ignorant and lazy parenting dooming another generation. And they can't claim ignorance because they saw the way my husband and I did it and I'm always giving sage advice. It's honestly hard to even go home for holidays because I hate to see it. It's like watching a slow motion car wreck.

How terrible that those ignorant fools don't bow down before your wisdom and sage advice! How awful for you.
P.S. You're using the phrase "boil the ocean" incorrectly.

+1
You are thinking you are so much better than your family and here you are misusing common phrases. Your low status is showing.

On the plus side, it's really amusing when dumb people try to be condescending. "Bear minimum", lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Boil the ocean was used correctly. Boil the ocean would mean telling her brothers and sisters to do really dramatic life changes, e.g. move to Georgetown, prepare kids for boarding school, parents go back to college and get professional careers, the parents are failures if kids don't qualify for Ivy League. You know, tasks to them that are impossible. It sounds like the OP is just giving minor advice on college prep which is far from boiling the ocean.

Her usage is awkward in this context. She's trying too hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP the title alone, not to mention the content, of this thread makes it crystal clear that you are the lowest of the "low status". And yes, I judge you. You're a classless puke.

We could easily cut them from our life completely. I'm a puke for trying to help family trapped in a low setting? You've never helped family? You've never mentored anyone? I'm not a puke, it's apparent I'm a schmuck for wasting my time.

I think it's just time to accept and love them for who they are.

No interest in associating with them if their kids are going to repeat the cycle. It's too horrifying to witness.

Well, then that's on you. And that is YOUR choice to stop associating with family members due to their socioeconomic status. If you can only value rich people that's a shame. There are lots of people living modest lives who are really great people to know.

I do understand protecting yourself from people who resent you. That is different than simply snubbing them for not living up to your lofty expectations.

Define lofty (in this context).

Lofty would mean being disappointed in a relative for working in a blue collar field and not pursuing a higher (college) education. It would mean looking down on someone for living in a small, modest home when (in your opinion) they should be doing much better than that. It would mean expecting them to leave their home town, longtime friends and family members because the area is too "hick" or "redneck" or "backwards" in your opinion. Staying is the equivalent of failure in your eyes.

Generally, it means looking down on someone in a superior and smug sort of way. Not accepting them and offering love/approval on a conditional basis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you come across as half as patronizing IRL to your family, I can only imagine that it falls on deaf ears. You are so convinced that you and your DH have figured it all out and ignoring the sacrifices that you made. Sacrifices that they are unwilling to make. Most people actually do not want move away from the comfort and community of their hometown. It's true that they will not have the same opportunities to create wealth or gain "status" (whatever you mean by that...) but that's not the only measure of a happy life.

What I don't understand is why you are pressing the issue? I assume you're between the ages of 35-45, so have been maintaining your sibling relationships as an adult for 15-20 years. Why are you inserting yourself in their lives? Why can't you respect their choice of inaction? Accept it, move on.

If your nieces and nephews desire to leave the nest to follow a more successful path, they know how to get in touch with you to seek your "sage" advice.

To be clear, they WANT their children to be successful (college, professional careers, etc.). They KNOW their region is hopeless.

I think what motivates my husband and I is we know the feeling of not knowing any better. We see the doors that closing due to inaction. My family doesn't. The old 'you don't know what you don't know'.

Are they offering up this information and asking for your help? Or are you asking "do you want your kids to be successful" and then they answer "yes"...that's a big difference. Do they call and ask your advice and then do nothing?

If they are, then stop giving them advice. Really. If you can't maintain a relationship without trying to "help" then you need to walk away. You found a way out because you were motivated to do so. And it worked out. Good on you. They are not motivated like you are. Accept it. Find some compassion and empathy instead of judgment. They are still good people, with good hearts, no?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you come across as half as patronizing IRL to your family, I can only imagine that it falls on deaf ears. You are so convinced that you and your DH have figured it all out and ignoring the sacrifices that you made. Sacrifices that they are unwilling to make. Most people actually do not want move away from the comfort and community of their hometown. It's true that they will not have the same opportunities to create wealth or gain "status" (whatever you mean by that...) but that's not the only measure of a happy life.

What I don't understand is why you are pressing the issue? I assume you're between the ages of 35-45, so have been maintaining your sibling relationships as an adult for 15-20 years. Why are you inserting yourself in their lives? Why can't you respect their choice of inaction? Accept it, move on.

If your nieces and nephews desire to leave the nest to follow a more successful path, they know how to get in touch with you to seek your "sage" advice.

To be clear, they WANT their children to be successful (college, professional careers, etc.). They KNOW their region is hopeless.

I think what motivates my husband and I is we know the feeling of not knowing any better. We see the doors that closing due to inaction. My family doesn't. The old 'you don't know what you don't know'.

Are they offering up this information and asking for your help? Or are you asking "do you want your kids to be successful" and then they answer "yes"...that's a big difference. Do they call and ask your advice and then do nothing?

If they are, then stop giving them advice. Really. If you can't maintain a relationship without trying to "help" then you need to walk away. You found a way out because you were motivated to do so. And it worked out. Good on you. They are not motivated like you are. Accept it. Find some compassion and empathy instead of judgment. They are still good people, with good hearts, no?

I think that Op is feeling the money version of "survivor's guilt".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Lofty would mean being disappointed in a relative for working in a blue collar field and not pursuing a higher (college) education. It would mean looking down on someone for living in a small, modest home when (in your opinion) they should be doing much better than that. It would mean expecting them to leave their home town, longtime friends and family members because the area is too "hick" or "redneck" or "backwards" in your opinion. Staying is the equivalent of failure in your eyes.

Generally, it means looking down on someone in a superior and smug sort of way. Not accepting them and offering love/approval on a conditional basis.

This shows you truly have no idea how dim the prospects are in flyover country. You really think young millennials have a chance to be comfy and blue collar? There aren't any freaking jobs for dumb blue collar kids! Period. Odds are they'll be terminally unemployed. It has nothing to do with moving or abandoning the area - if they want to stick around, fine, but they need SKILLS or credentials to give it a go. They will have neither.