Anyone find it hard not to be judgy of low status family?

[Anonymous]

OP the title alone, not to mention the content, of this thread makes it crystal clear that you are the lowest of the "low status". And yes, I judge you. You're a classless puke.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
Look, I'm not perfect, my husband isn't perfect, my kids aren't perfect, but at least I'm giving my kids a good shot at success. The rest of my family never left the economically depressed region we grew up in and it's becoming clear their kids will suffer the same fate. They're trapped due to lack of education and low skills and perpetual poor decisions. I don't expect 40-50 year old adults to boil the ocean and modify their life, but it's disgusting to see their ignorant and lazy parenting dooming another generation. And they can't claim ignorance because they saw the way my husband and I did it and I'm always giving sage advice. It's honestly hard to even go home for holidays because I hate to see it. It's like watching a slow motion car wreck.

Ohhhhh, ok. OP is a troll. Pretty solid effort, I have to admit.

[Anonymous]

I'll admit, I really can't get past the "low status" bit. It makes it pretty clear that OP's values are pretty skewed.

My extended family has some socioeconomic extremes, and we are on the lucky end. Mostly I'm just grateful (not #blessed), but it also makes me self-conscious and concerned about how I come across to others.

I'm so far from high-status.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They don't envy you. They don't want to be you. They don't want to follow in your footsteps.

OP here.
That's just not true. They would love our lifestyle. They would love to be able to move out of that hopeless region. You should have seen their eyes when they first walked into our newest home. But they act as if it fell from the sky. I think a lot of it is growth versus fixed mindset.

NP here. However inelegantly put, I understood what you meant, OP. We have done better than most of our friends and family. It's hard not to see the differences. It's also pretty clear that some of the differences are attributable to luck and some are the result of bad choices. It's really hard to just sit there and watch when someone you love makes wrong choice after wrong choice after wrong choice - wracking up credit card debt or blowing thousands of dollars on birthday parties when the house is in foreclosure, etc... Then, when you see them parenting their kids in ways that continues the trend in the next generation... ugh. It's painful.

That said, I've lived long enough now that I've had to eat a bit of crow in some (not all) of these situations. You think someone is making a really, really bad decision (like marrying someone who stole their car and disappeared without a trace for two weeks before the wedding), but then 20 years later, they are still married and still in love and all your predictions of doom and gloom have been proved wrong. Time to eat crow. Other times, everyone sees the writing on the wall, and 20 years later... well, it's every bit as bad as predicted.

What I'm trying to say is that it's best to approach these things with a bit of humility. You don't know what the future is going to bring for anyone, and choices you might not make for yourself are not necessarily bad choices for others. You're going to have to practice keeping silent (as I had to do) and just hope for the best. Give advice if it's sought, but other than that, just work on keeping an open mind and a closed mouth.

This is well stated. What can seem like a huge, glaringly bad choice to you may be the right choice for someone else. Everyone has a right to live their own life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:
Hmm.
What's particularly difficult, and apparently impossible for you, is to step into somebody else's shoes and really understand why they're making these "wrong" decisions.
Either you'd find out that there actually is a good reason, or you'll have a lot more compassion for their foibles. Either way, you'll judge less!

A hundred bucks is a hundred bucks. If you choose to splurge on $100 jeans and now can't afford gas money, don't begrudge the kid who opted to buy the $40 jeans keep $60 to use as gas money. Kid A will be a fashion plate. Kid B will have less fun clothes but will be able to get to/from school or a job - vitally important for getting ahead.

When you see someone do that over and over and over again it gets old.

I teach in a very high FARMS school and it's tough seeing people make these kinds of choices over and over again. Coming to drop their kids off while talking on an iPhone and then telling the school they can't pay the $5 for the field trip to the science center so I pay for their kid to attend so they don't have to miss the experience. Driving an Escalade but saying they can't afford school supplies so I have to pay to supply them so their kid can do classwork and homework with appropriate supplies. Hearing kids talk about their X boxes and Playstation 3s, but not being able to concentrate since there wasn't enough food in the house for them to eat breakfast and their parent still hasn't sent in the FARMS form by the 3rd week of school, so I sneak them some cheese crackers and pray they're not allergic to anything in them since their parent hasn't turned in their allergy form either. It gets old. But it's not the kids' fault. So we do what we do to prevent them from feeling the effects of their parents choices. But they don't learn from their experiences growing up because their parents don't teach them that there's a different way and they think that all of these things just appear like magic. So the cycle is repeated. And so it goes.

Not OP, but yes, this, I totally agree with this. I grew up lower income, and my parents made sacrifices so we could live better. We didn't have the latest anything. I just don't understand how parents can do this. It's entitlement. That's all I can think of. They feel entitled to have all those expensive things even though they can't really afford it. Our HHI is $250K but we try to live below our means so that we can save a lot for college and retirement. We drive older cars (mine is over 10 yrs and is not a flashy car); don't get the latest gadgets; and don't buy designer clothes. My kids still don't have an xbox and they are MS/older ES.

You really cannot compare your lifestyle with someone else. You can afford to have an Xbox and still save for retirement and college. You don't want your kid to have an xbox so you use money as an excuse.

It's not about not being able to afford an xbox and save for retirement. It's the mentality that goes with buying the latest and greatest, keeping up with the joneses.. "I want an xbox because johnie has one". No.

When you buy a game console, you have to buy games with it, and they don't want to play the same one or two games. I looked into it, and those games are damn expensive.

So, no, I'd rather save that money right now for their college fund. And we do splurge once in a while. We go on great vacations, but those are experiences for the family. Like I said, we just live below our means so we can save as much as we can for retirement and college. I think people underestimate how much they will need for both to live comfortably. Too many Americans not saving for retirement, or saving very very little. Yes, growing up poor makes me very aware of those issues.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I valued education and got away from the backwards region we were raised in a-sap. But yes, we were lucky -- we were lucky because one bad break would ruin everything because our ignorant parents didn't prepare us in the slightest. So, when you try to help family prepare their kids and they're too dumb/lazy to follow any it's depressing. I won't eat crow. These are going to be poor dumb unprepared kids. It's clear as day their adult life is going to be miserable. And of course when it is it'll be because they had no chance, nobody wanted to help, "we did the best we could". Disgusting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP the title alone, not to mention the content, of this thread makes it crystal clear that you are the lowest of the "low status". And yes, I judge you. You're a classless puke.

We could easily cut them from our life completely. I'm a puke for trying to help family trapped in a low setting? You've never helped family? You've never mentored anyone? I'm not a puke, it's apparent I'm a schmuck for wasting my time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
Look, I'm not perfect, my husband isn't perfect, my kids aren't perfect, but at least I'm giving my kids a good shot at success. The rest of my family never left the economically depressed region we grew up in and it's becoming clear their kids will suffer the same fate. They're trapped due to lack of education and low skills and perpetual poor decisions. I don't expect 40-50 year old adults to boil the ocean and modify their life, but it's disgusting to see their ignorant and lazy parenting dooming another generation. And they can't claim ignorance because they saw the way my husband and I did it and I'm always giving sage advice. It's honestly hard to even go home for holidays because I hate to see it. It's like watching a slow motion car wreck.

You sound like a real peach to be around. There is nothing poor people take to better than someone yelling "BOOTSTRAPS! I did it and you should too!" And offering "sage" (unwanted) advice.

Bootstraps is vague and patronizing. My husband and I have given detailed easy to follow advice. All ignored.

You want to leave town? Yes!
You want to go to college? Yes!
You want a nice house, nice car? Yes!
Will you follow do a could baby steps so I see change? NOPE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't find it hard to be judgy, because when I am, it serves as a stark reminder that I am insecure in some way. If I weren't insecure, I wouldn't need to dwell on that distinction. It would just be what it is, and I could be fully compassionate.

So yeah, no.

+1
Agree. I also don't find it hard to not be a jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's always easy to make good decisions with your Platinum Amex.

Couldn't make Centurion?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
Look, I'm not perfect, my husband isn't perfect, my kids aren't perfect, but at least I'm giving my kids a good shot at success. The rest of my family never left the economically depressed region we grew up in and it's becoming clear their kids will suffer the same fate. They're trapped due to lack of education and low skills and perpetual poor decisions. I don't expect 40-50 year old adults to boil the ocean and modify their life, but it's disgusting to see their ignorant and lazy parenting dooming another generation. And they can't claim ignorance because they saw the way my husband and I did it and I'm always giving sage advice. It's honestly hard to even go home for holidays because I hate to see it. It's like watching a slow motion car wreck.

How terrible that those ignorant fools don't bow down before your wisdom and sage advice! How awful for you.
P.S. You're using the phrase "boil the ocean" incorrectly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP the title alone, not to mention the content, of this thread makes it crystal clear that you are the lowest of the "low status". And yes, I judge you. You're a classless puke.

We could easily cut them from our life completely. I'm a puke for trying to help family trapped in a low setting? You've never helped family? You've never mentored anyone? I'm not a puke, it's apparent I'm a schmuck for wasting my time.

I think it's just time to accept and love them for who they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP the title alone, not to mention the content, of this thread makes it crystal clear that you are the lowest of the "low status". And yes, I judge you. You're a classless puke.

We could easily cut them from our life completely. I'm a puke for trying to help family trapped in a low setting? You've never helped family? You've never mentored anyone? I'm not a puke, it's apparent I'm a schmuck for wasting my time.

I think it's just time to accept and love them for who they are.

No interest in associating with them if their kids are going to repeat the cycle. It's too horrifying to witness.

[Anonymous]

If you come across as half as patronizing IRL to your family, I can only imagine that it falls on deaf ears. You are so convinced that you and your DH have figured it all out and ignoring the sacrifices that you made. Sacrifices that they are unwilling to make. Most people actually do not want move away from the comfort and community of their hometown. It's true that they will not have the same opportunities to create wealth or gain "status" (whatever you mean by that...) but that's not the only measure of a happy life.

What I don't understand is why you are pressing the issue? I assume you're between the ages of 35-45, so have been maintaining your sibling relationships as an adult for 15-20 years. Why are you inserting yourself in their lives? Why can't you respect their choice of inaction? Accept it, move on.

If your nieces and nephews desire to leave the nest to follow a more successful path, they know how to get in touch with you to seek your "sage" advice.

[Anonymous]

Low status. Wow! Just wow.