Anyone find it hard not to be judgy of low status family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most people aren't stupid enough to continually try to get people to do things their way when it isn't wanted. If OP is that stupid, I question her judgement all around. We get it. OP is a real winner and her family isn't. You can't change people. So she needs to get over it and shut up. I also don't see how you don't notice her looking down on them - every post has been about what terrible, useless people they are.

Adults - I pretty much agree. You can't change kids? I think you can before age 16 17 18. Past 18 is too late for much change. Outside of character, there's just far too much achievement gap to make up in the classroom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP the title alone, not to mention the content, of this thread makes it crystal clear that you are the lowest of the "low status". And yes, I judge you. You're a classless puke.

We could easily cut them from our life completely. I'm a puke for trying to help family trapped in a low setting? You've never helped family? You've never mentored anyone? I'm not a puke, it's apparent I'm a schmuck for wasting my time.

I think it's just time to accept and love them for who they are.

No interest in associating with them if their kids are going to repeat the cycle. It's too horrifying to witness.

Are you shitting me? Maybe they can tell that you don't really love them, since you only want to associate with your own nieces and nephews if they follow the path you've laid out. Seriously, we're not talking about people who are drug addicts and you have to cut them off because they are stealing your stuff. This is your family, and your lack of respect for them is obvious to total strangers; do you think they don't pick up on it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP the title alone, not to mention the content, of this thread makes it crystal clear that you are the lowest of the "low status". And yes, I judge you. You're a classless puke.

We could easily cut them from our life completely. I'm a puke for trying to help family trapped in a low setting? You've never helped family? You've never mentored anyone? I'm not a puke, it's apparent I'm a schmuck for wasting my time.

I think it's just time to accept and love them for who they are.

No interest in associating with them if their kids are going to repeat the cycle. It's too horrifying to witness.

Are you shitting me? Maybe they can tell that you don't really love them, since you only want to associate with your own nieces and nephews if they follow the path you've laid out. Seriously, we're not talking about people who are drug addicts and you have to cut them off because they are stealing your stuff. This is your family, and your lack of respect for them is obvious to total strangers; do you think they don't pick up on it?

Is that really the bar? Well, at least you're not drug addicts -- nice work!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Is that really the bar? Well, at least you're not drug addicts -- nice work!

The bar for being around your extended family members without being clear that you think they are subhuman and not worthy of your presence and attention? Yeah, something like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Is that really the bar? Well, at least you're not drug addicts -- nice work!

The bar for being around your extended family members without being clear that you think they are subhuman and not worthy of your presence and attention? Yeah, something like that.

That was the bar in 1950 when any dumbass could make a middle class income working at a factory. In 2016? The bar is preparing your kids for university coursework. No, not "Harvard" ... but at least college ready for the state flagship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's a lot of life between high-powered McLean, Va and being a working class rube in flyover country. Maybe they do like their region, which is fine, and they could stay and become a teacher, accountant, politician, lawyer, doctor. But there aren't any unskilled jobs for uneducated Gen Ys.

Nobody wants to be trapped in a suffering region, struggling to pay for basic necessities, and seeing their kids turn into losers. Don't romanticize that way of life. It f-cking sucks which is why substance abuse and spousal violence are so prevalent.

+1. I don't read the OP as looking down upon her nieces/nephews headed toward a path of working class people in flyover country. I read OP as criticizing her family members for not taking her advice on how to at least put their kids on a path toward becoming a police officer, accountant, teacher, auto mechanic in their flyover town.

OP is criticizing and judging her family for not even doing the basics for their children (looking into their grades, following up with "do you have homework tonight" - you know, the basics!). Good for her for not wanting them to be uneducated, unskilled people in a town with no industry and no future. She is not criticizing them because they are "only" putting their kids on a path towards a respectable, middle class career. From the sounds of it, those parents aren't even doing that! They just expect a respectable, middle class career to magically happen to their kids without understanding what it takes to get it to happen. She tells them and they continue not to listen and go down a bad path.

Everyone who is saying she is awful - imagine you had family who lived in a dying town with absolutely no jobs/no future for the young people. The parents (let's say they are your siblings) say to you they want their children (your nieces and nephews) to have good jobs and a nice middle-class lifestyle (which is a step up from their current lifestyle. Let's imagine they live in a run-down trailer park). You - having escaped that town and are now a teacher in Frederick MD - give advice. Simple things like make sure they do their homework, talk to their teachers, make sure they get good grades, take the SATs so they can go to a community college or a state college. Or if they aren't headed toward college make sure they go to a trade school. The parents do none of that. They never ask their kid if they have homework, they never tell their kid to start thinking about trade school, community college or college. Without parental guidance, their kid will just end up working in the dying town's lone gas station if they are lucky. And the parents continue to say "boy, I want Johnnie to have the type of life you have". You would be okay with that? You would really think "but gee, they are so happy working at the gas station and living in a run-down trailer!" Come on, after awhile you would get tired of their complaints and start judging them too.

Yes, I tend to think that the people who are blasting the OP do not have any family or friends who live in this kind of environment. I have several cousins in this situation, and it is depressing to think about the prospects for their kids. I don't see them regularly, and I'm very friendly when we do see each other, and I usually just talk about superficial stuff and keep things light. But it's like we live in two different worlds. Foreclosures, skirmishes with the law, and teen pregnancies for their kids all seem to be par for the course. Their parents (my aunts and uncles) didn't place a strong emphasis on education, but the manufacturing jobs and other well paying blue-collar options that existed a generation ago are gone, so without a college degree or a skilled trade these cousins have struggled. And yet, they seem to be doing nothing to encourage their kids to do better, so instead of rising up the social ladder they are going backwards. The kids are dressed well and are cute, but the parents are more interested in going out drinking with friends than reading their kids a book or taking them somewhere educational. So yeah, internally, I judge. I'm not proud of it, because I know i'm not perfect, but from the outside it looks like they are failing, and their kids will suffer for it. Sometimes it feels similar to watching addicts spiral towards rock bottom.

I don't say anything to them, or give advice, because they're adults and they've made their own choices. So that's where I differ from the OP. I see nothing to gain from a conversation about 'the right path' beyond wasted breath and potentially hurt feelings. If this were a sibling, though, it would be harder to stand by and watch.

[Anonymous]

I do get where you are coming from, OP. I grew up pretty poor, and worked my way through college, etc etc, and have done pretty well. It's hard to watch some of my relatives who I know are very smart not do as well. It can be a hard balance between "not gettin above your upbringing" and doing so well as to cause an actual divide.

You mentioned you offer advice..even when asked, I don't really say anything more than, "what were you thinking about doing" to make sure I"m not being the bossy know-it-all. But at the end of the day, it's still family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Uneducated people don't know what they don't know. Often it's tough to not only ask for help, but to even know what to ask. If they've visited OP and are impressed with the lifestyle she earned it seems natural to explain how she and her husband "made it" and offer insights even when the parents are too thick to take it seriously. Not trying to help the family change would be like pulling up the ladder behind her.

If her family is laughing at her it just highlights the dimwitted environment those poor youth are steeping in. If nobody pushes back on the family the children are almost certainly doomed. Sometimes you have to crack some eggs to make an omelette.

I posted this earlier. My parents were uneducated immigrants. They could not help with HW; they never came to parent/teacher conference. They didn't know anything about SATs, or the college application process. The things they did: tell us to do our HW, get good grades, don't hang out with the bad crowd, model good behavior by working hard. I a now a 2%er.

There are *many* American parents like my parents. Many of my generation's (late 40's) parents didn't go to college, were uneducated, yet many of our generation did go to college. It's not about what they don't know. It's about how much they are willing to "parent" to make sure their kids have a better life.

[Anonymous]

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