Anyone find it hard not to be judgy of low status family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
Look, I'm not perfect, my husband isn't perfect, my kids aren't perfect, but at least I'm giving my kids a good shot at success. The rest of my family never left the economically depressed region we grew up in and it's becoming clear their kids will suffer the same fate. They're trapped due to lack of education and low skills and perpetual poor decisions. I don't expect 40-50 year old adults to boil the ocean and modify their life, but it's disgusting to see their ignorant and lazy parenting dooming another generation. And they can't claim ignorance because they saw the way my husband and I did it and I'm always giving sage advice. It's honestly hard to even go home for holidays because I hate to see it. It's like watching a slow motion car wreck.

You sound like a real peach to be around. There is nothing poor people take to better than someone yelling "BOOTSTRAPS! I did it and you should too!" And offering "sage" (unwanted) advice.

I think this is true. No one wants a know it all telling them how they should be living their lives. If they are happy that is the important thing.

But if they are biotching about their kid's poor grades and you take the time to explain how to go about tracking their child's grades and progress...and they opt to just continue on same old same old, biotching the whole way. That gets old.

They're not happy.

And yes, that's one of a thousand examples where we think we're helping illuminate something that will help them prepare their kids, you think they're on the cusp of modifying a behavior, then you realize the parents don't change and it was all a waste of breath.

I don't understand it. I'm usually very grateful for any kind of helpful tips like that. Not annoying common sense stuff that everyone should already know but legitimate - "Wow, I didn't know that!" - sort of info that makes life easier and success more achievable.

Sometimes common sense stuff I think they know is outside of their scope. It's startling. But then I feel like they do know much of this common sense stuff, and I repeat myself every few months, and they just don't care. Do you want your kids to be successful? Yes. Okay, do X Y and Z — or at very least do X. X won't even be attempted.

I'm not advising them to move, send kids to private, make sure they're in 3-5 AP courses a year, extracurriculars, become student gov. president. I mean like truly basic entry-level blueprint to preparing kids for a shot at success. They say they will do it, but they never actually follow through on any of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
Yes, same mindset PPs have shared but honestly it's not even money decisions with my family. It's more-so behavior. I sort of forgive my parents for not having a damn clue, but when you see and touch and feel what my husband and I have achieved and we bend over backwards to help illuminate 'the game' and you still act like backwards losers? W-t-f.

Even absolute bear minimum things like watching grades online and course selection. Ignored.

The thing is, there is no "game", there are no quick fix success-in-3-simple steps gimmicks. It's daily, consistent hard work. You either want it or you don't. If you have other priorities - that is fine. If you are happier doing things in a different way - that is fine. Just don't eat like a pig and then complain when your butt gets bigger, kwim?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
Look, I'm not perfect, my husband isn't perfect, my kids aren't perfect, but at least I'm giving my kids a good shot at success. The rest of my family never left the economically depressed region we grew up in and it's becoming clear their kids will suffer the same fate. They're trapped due to lack of education and low skills and perpetual poor decisions. I don't expect 40-50 year old adults to boil the ocean and modify their life, but it's disgusting to see their ignorant and lazy parenting dooming another generation. And they can't claim ignorance because they saw the way my husband and I did it and I'm always giving sage advice. It's honestly hard to even go home for holidays because I hate to see it. It's like watching a slow motion car wreck.

You sound like a real peach to be around. There is nothing poor people take to better than someone yelling "BOOTSTRAPS! I did it and you should too!" And offering "sage" (unwanted) advice.

I think this is true. No one wants a know it all telling them how they should be living their lives. If they are happy that is the important thing.

But if they are biotching about their kid's poor grades and you take the time to explain how to go about tracking their child's grades and progress...and they opt to just continue on same old same old, biotching the whole way. That gets old.

They're not happy.

And yes, that's one of a thousand examples where we think we're helping illuminate something that will help them prepare their kids, you think they're on the cusp of modifying a behavior, then you realize the parents don't change and it was all a waste of breath.

I don't understand it. I'm usually very grateful for any kind of helpful tips like that. Not annoying common sense stuff that everyone should already know but legitimate - "Wow, I didn't know that!" - sort of info that makes life easier and success more achievable.

Sometimes common sense stuff I think they know is outside of their scope. It's startling. But then I feel like they do know much of this common sense stuff, and I repeat myself every few months, and they just don't care. Do you want your kids to be successful? Yes. Okay, do X Y and Z — or at very least do X. X won't even be attempted.

I'm not advising them to move, send kids to private, make sure they're in 3-5 AP courses a year, extracurriculars, become student gov. president. I mean like truly basic entry-level blueprint to preparing kids for a shot at success. They say they will do it, but they never actually follow through on any of it.

It's laziness, like I said, or fear of failure. It's hard to make a lifestyle change. It takes a lot of self determination. It's just easier to think it, want it, but not do anything about it. I think a lot of people are like this, unfortunately. It just takes too much effort which they aren't willing to make.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If they have love, basic education and health care, and basic needs met, they are ahead of the vast majority of children in this world. I'm glad that my children are "polished and prepared" to help others, OP; not to summer in the Hamptons.

Beautiful. I really like you for this. It's meaningful to raise your kids this way, I want to remember this.

[Anonymous]

My brother is a teacher, his wife an executive secretary. His kid plays guitar in a band. That's all he does.

My sister, married 3 times, has a kid that owns his own company. She doesn't know the meaning of mothering.

My BIL is a doctor, my sister is a drug addict. Money coming out of every pore on their bodies. Their only daughter is covered in tattoos, rescues squirrels, snakes, pit bulls, is a practicing Wiccan loon and dresses like a witch. EVERY SINGLE DAY.

You cannot live other's lives for them. You need to MYOB.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
Look, I'm not perfect, my husband isn't perfect, my kids aren't perfect, but at least I'm giving my kids a good shot at success. The rest of my family never left the economically depressed region we grew up in and it's becoming clear their kids will suffer the same fate. They're trapped due to lack of education and low skills and perpetual poor decisions. I don't expect 40-50 year old adults to boil the ocean and modify their life, but it's disgusting to see their ignorant and lazy parenting dooming another generation. And they can't claim ignorance because they saw the way my husband and I did it and I'm always giving sage advice. It's honestly hard to even go home for holidays because I hate to see it. It's like watching a slow motion car wreck.

You sound like a real peach to be around. There is nothing poor people take to better than someone yelling "BOOTSTRAPS! I did it and you should too!" And offering "sage" (unwanted) advice.

I think this is true. No one wants a know it all telling them how they should be living their lives. If they are happy that is the important thing.

But if they are biotching about their kid's poor grades and you take the time to explain how to go about tracking their child's grades and progress...and they opt to just continue on same old same old, biotching the whole way. That gets old.

They're not happy.

And yes, that's one of a thousand examples where we think we're helping illuminate something that will help them prepare their kids, you think they're on the cusp of modifying a behavior, then you realize the parents don't change and it was all a waste of breath.

I don't understand it. I'm usually very grateful for any kind of helpful tips like that. Not annoying common sense stuff that everyone should already know but legitimate - "Wow, I didn't know that!" - sort of info that makes life easier and success more achievable.

Sometimes common sense stuff I think they know is outside of their scope. It's startling. But then I feel like they do know much of this common sense stuff, and I repeat myself every few months, and they just don't care. Do you want your kids to be successful? Yes. Okay, do X Y and Z — or at very least do X. X won't even be attempted.

I'm not advising them to move, send kids to private, make sure they're in 3-5 AP courses a year, extracurriculars, become student gov. president. I mean like truly basic entry-level blueprint to preparing kids for a shot at success. They say they will do it, but they never actually follow through on any of it.

It's laziness, like I said, or fear of failure. It's hard to make a lifestyle change. It takes a lot of self determination. It's just easier to think it, want it, but not do anything about it. I think a lot of people are like this, unfortunately. It just takes too much effort which they aren't willing to make.

Obviously, they have to want it for themselves. Maybe they don't want what you want?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother is a teacher, his wife an executive secretary. His kid plays guitar in a band. That's all he does.

My sister, married 3 times, has a kid that owns his own company. She doesn't know the meaning of mothering.

My BIL is a doctor, my sister is a drug addict. Money coming out of every pore on their bodies. Their only daughter is covered in tattoos, rescues squirrels, snakes, pit bulls, is a practicing Wiccan loon and dresses like a witch. EVERY SINGLE DAY.

You cannot live other's lives for them. You need to MYOB.

Lol. Thank you for the wake up call! You have an interesting family.

Out of curiosity, do you have kids? If so, how are they faring?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they have love, basic education and health care, and basic needs met, they are ahead of the vast majority of children in this world. I'm glad that my children are "polished and prepared" to help others, OP; not to summer in the Hamptons.

Beautiful. I really like you for this. It's meaningful to raise your kids this way, I want to remember this.

So there's nothing in-between Hamptons and inner-cities like Newark, NJ or backwards welfare hotspots in WV? Give me a break.

Don't romanticize dysfunctional parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
Yes, same mindset PPs have shared but honestly it's not even money decisions with my family. It's more-so behavior. I sort of forgive my parents for not having a damn clue, but when you see and touch and feel what my husband and I have achieved and we bend over backwards to help illuminate 'the game' and you still act like backwards losers? W-t-f.

Even absolute bear minimum things like watching grades online and course selection. Ignored.

It's "bare minimum," not "bear minimum," genius. Maybe they don't want to take your advice on educational advancement because you're a dumbass?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother is a teacher, his wife an executive secretary. His kid plays guitar in a band. That's all he does.

My sister, married 3 times, has a kid that owns his own company. She doesn't know the meaning of mothering.

My BIL is a doctor, my sister is a drug addict. Money coming out of every pore on their bodies. Their only daughter is covered in tattoos, rescues squirrels, snakes, pit bulls, is a practicing Wiccan loon and dresses like a witch. EVERY SINGLE DAY.

You cannot live other's lives for them. You need to MYOB.

Your one sister married well, but that's the only thing of note. I assume she is/was hot?
Rest of your side of the family is obviously lacking in values and morals. When's the last time anyone went to church -- ever?

[Anonymous]

Omg, OP, you may be the most obnoxious, oblivious poster on DCUM, and that says a lot. I the first kid in my blue-collar family to go to college. I have an education, but more importantly, I have emotional intelligence. You, OP, are an emotional ignoramus.

Your family resents your "sage advice." They do not envy your displays of wealth and your perceived superiority. They don't envy you. They don't want to be you. They don't want to follow in your footsteps. You repel them. Your smug self-satisfaction is repulsive in every way.

Here's the best thing you can do for them: shut up. Stop advising them. Perversely, they probably never logged in to the online grading system because you suggested it. If you actually love them and don't just enjoy shoving their faces in the dirt, back off. If they want what you have - your values - they will follow. But I reckon you really haven't "displayed" a lifestyle that they actually admire. You can't be a leader of no one actually wants to follow you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
Yes, same mindset PPs have shared but honestly it's not even money decisions with my family. It's more-so behavior. I sort of forgive my parents for not having a damn clue, but when you see and touch and feel what my husband and I have achieved and we bend over backwards to help illuminate 'the game' and you still act like backwards losers? W-t-f.

Even absolute bear minimum things like watching grades online and course selection. Ignored.

It's "bare minimum," not "bear minimum," genius. Maybe they don't want to take your advice on educational advancement because you're a dumbass?

eh, you really don't have to be a genius to do the minimal things for your kids though. If you aren't making sure that they get to school, if you aren't tracking their grades and progress, if you aren't insisting that they do their homework, etc. then you can't really blame the school or anyone else if your child doesn't take school seriously.

It is what it is. You either make the effort or you don't. If you have different priorities that's fine. Certainly, a father who teaches his son how to work on cars or a mom that teaches her daughter how to run the family business will be imparting important skills to their offspring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother is a teacher, his wife an executive secretary. His kid plays guitar in a band. That's all he does.

My sister, married 3 times, has a kid that owns his own company. She doesn't know the meaning of mothering.

My BIL is a doctor, my sister is a drug addict. Money coming out of every pore on their bodies. Their only daughter is covered in tattoos, rescues squirrels, snakes, pit bulls, is a practicing Wiccan loon and dresses like a witch. EVERY SINGLE DAY.

You cannot live other's lives for them. You need to MYOB.

Your one sister married well, but that's the only thing of note. I assume she is/was hot?
Rest of your side of the family is obviously lacking in values and morals. When's the last time anyone went to church -- ever?

You do know that you can have morals and values and not go to church. You do know that one can go to church and still lack morals and values.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not to be mean spirited - obviously I know where I came from - but the stupid things my brothers and sisters do over and over amazes me. They're stressed, they have no savings, they hate their lifestyle, wish they could give their kids x y and z. I'm always there for advice - and bend over backwards to help with the nieces and nephews - but none of it is ever followed though on. It's just wasting my breath because they make the same stupid decisions over and over and over. Now that our kids are getting older the differences are stark; theirs have little to be hopeful for while mine are polished and prepared. Not bragging, I wish all of their cousins were on the same track. ://

So not everybody in your family is making good decisions or doing great. What does that have to do with status? If they are low, you are low too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Hmm.
What's particularly difficult, and apparently impossible for you, is to step into somebody else's shoes and really understand why they're making these "wrong" decisions.
Either you'd find out that there actually is a good reason, or you'll have a lot more compassion for their foibles. Either way, you'll judge less!

A hundred bucks is a hundred bucks. If you choose to splurge on $100 jeans and now can't afford gas money, don't begrudge the kid who opted to buy the $40 jeans keep $60 to use as gas money. Kid A will be a fashion plate. Kid B will have less fun clothes but will be able to get to/from school or a job - vitally important for getting ahead.

When you see someone do that over and over and over again it gets old.

I teach in a very high FARMS school and it's tough seeing people make these kinds of choices over and over again. Coming to drop their kids off while talking on an iPhone and then telling the school they can't pay the $5 for the field trip to the science center so I pay for their kid to attend so they don't have to miss the experience. Driving an Escalade but saying they can't afford school supplies so I have to pay to supply them so their kid can do classwork and homework with appropriate supplies. Hearing kids talk about their X boxes and Playstation 3s, but not being able to concentrate since there wasn't enough food in the house for them to eat breakfast and their parent still hasn't sent in the FARMS form by the 3rd week of school, so I sneak them some cheese crackers and pray they're not allergic to anything in them since their parent hasn't turned in their allergy form either. It gets old. But it's not the kids' fault. So we do what we do to prevent them from feeling the effects of their parents choices. But they don't learn from their experiences growing up because their parents don't teach them that there's a different way and they think that all of these things just appear like magic. So the cycle is repeated. And so it goes.

Not OP, but yes, this, I totally agree with this. I grew up lower income, and my parents made sacrifices so we could live better. We didn't have the latest anything. I just don't understand how parents can do this. It's entitlement. That's all I can think of. They feel entitled to have all those expensive things even though they can't really afford it. Our HHI is $250K but we try to live below our means so that we can save a lot for college and retirement. We drive older cars (mine is over 10 yrs and is not a flashy car); don't get the latest gadgets; and don't buy designer clothes. My kids still don't have an xbox and they are MS/older ES.

You really cannot compare your lifestyle with someone else. You can afford to have an Xbox and still save for retirement and college. You don't want your kid to have an xbox so you use money as an excuse.