Anyone find it hard not to be judgy of low status family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Wait until your son, dizzy with the false sense of power that comes from being drunk and in a fraternity, rapes someone. Wait until your daughter, striving to present that polished and perfect image you value, is admitted to the emergency room with problems stemming from an eating disorder.

I am poor. Really poor. No, my daughter doesn't get regular haircuts and tutors and shopping sprees. No, we don't eat dinner together at the table each night. Hell, I don't even HAVE a table (and only got a couch two years ago). I don't have a car, or life insurance, or a retirement account.

But guess what? My daughter will get to college. I hope she makes friends with your daughter and corrupts her, with all our low status ways.

You could easily get a free table and chairs if you wanted to from Free Cycle, Craig's List or several organizations, some of whom deliver.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Hmm.
What's particularly difficult, and apparently impossible for you, is to step into somebody else's shoes and really understand why they're making these "wrong" decisions.
Either you'd find out that there actually is a good reason, or you'll have a lot more compassion for their foibles. Either way, you'll judge less!

A hundred bucks is a hundred bucks. If you choose to splurge on $100 jeans and now can't afford gas money, don't begrudge the kid who opted to buy the $40 jeans keep $60 to use as gas money. Kid A will be a fashion plate. Kid B will have less fun clothes but will be able to get to/from school or a job - vitally important for getting ahead.

When you see someone do that over and over and over again it gets old.

I teach in a very high FARMS school and it's tough seeing people make these kinds of choices over and over again. Coming to drop their kids off while talking on an iPhone and then telling the school they can't pay the $5 for the field trip to the science center so I pay for their kid to attend so they don't have to miss the experience. Driving an Escalade but saying they can't afford school supplies so I have to pay to supply them so their kid can do classwork and homework with appropriate supplies. Hearing kids talk about their X boxes and Playstation 3s, but not being able to concentrate since there wasn't enough food in the house for them to eat breakfast and their parent still hasn't sent in the FARMS form by the 3rd week of school, so I sneak them some cheese crackers and pray they're not allergic to anything in them since their parent hasn't turned in their allergy form either. It gets old. But it's not the kids' fault. So we do what we do to prevent them from feeling the effects of their parents choices. But they don't learn from their experiences growing up because their parents don't teach them that there's a different way and they think that all of these things just appear like magic. So the cycle is repeated. And so it goes.

Not OP, but yes, this, I totally agree with this. I grew up lower income, and my parents made sacrifices so we could live better. We didn't have the latest anything. I just don't understand how parents can do this. It's entitlement. That's all I can think of. They feel entitled to have all those expensive things even though they can't really afford it. Our HHI is $250K but we try to live below our means so that we can save a lot for college and retirement. We drive older cars (mine is over 10 yrs and is not a flashy car); don't get the latest gadgets; and don't buy designer clothes. My kids still don't have an xbox and they are MS/older ES.

You really cannot compare your lifestyle with someone else. You can afford to have an Xbox and still save for retirement and college. You don't want your kid to have an xbox so you use money as an excuse.

Well o.k. But there may have been a time when the pp couldn't have afforded an Xbox, a retirement account or even food every day but pp was able to turn that around and is now making a decent HHI. PP may know all to well what it's like to be poor, thus her approach to saving and (not) spending.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They don't envy you. They don't want to be you. They don't want to follow in your footsteps.

OP here.
That's just not true. They would love our lifestyle. They would love to be able to move out of that hopeless region. You should have seen their eyes when they first walked into our newest home. But they act as if it fell from the sky. I think a lot of it is growth versus fixed mindset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not to be mean spirited - obviously I know where I came from - but the stupid things my brothers and sisters do over and over amazes me. They're stressed, they have no savings, they hate their lifestyle, wish they could give their kids x y and z. I'm always there for advice - and bend over backwards to help with the nieces and nephews - but none of it is ever followed though on. It's just wasting my breath because they make the same stupid decisions over and over and over. Now that our kids are getting older the differences are stark; theirs have little to be hopeful for while mine are polished and prepared. Not bragging, I wish all of their cousins were on the same track. ://

So not everybody in your family is making good decisions or doing great. What does that have to do with status? If they are low, you are low too.

Not "not everyone" more like nobody is making good parenting decisions. Socio economic status.

It's one thing to be clueless, you know, you don't know what you don't know. But we're illuminating a path, now they know . . . but still, nothing changes. And when you tell them they're dooming their kids they don't see it that way. But then everything we predict happens - my husband and I aren't psychics, it's just blatantly obvious the path nieces and nephews are headed down.

[Anonymous]

OP I hear ya. Don't sink anymore time into this. It sounds like you moved away and I don't blame you for not wanting to be around them. I hardly talk to my side of the family because they're ignorant white trash and they seem to be fine with it. All holidays since college have been with my husband's family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not to be mean spirited - obviously I know where I came from - but the stupid things my brothers and sisters do over and over amazes me. They're stressed, they have no savings, they hate their lifestyle, wish they could give their kids x y and z. I'm always there for advice - and bend over backwards to help with the nieces and nephews - but none of it is ever followed though on. It's just wasting my breath because they make the same stupid decisions over and over and over. Now that our kids are getting older the differences are stark; theirs have little to be hopeful for while mine are polished and prepared. Not bragging, I wish all of their cousins were on the same track. ://

So not everybody in your family is making good decisions or doing great. What does that have to do with status? If they are low, you are low too.

Not "not everyone" more like nobody is making good parenting decisions. Socio economic status.

It's one thing to be clueless, you know, you don't know what you don't know. But we're illuminating a path, now they know . . . but still, nothing changes. And when you tell them they're dooming their kids they don't see it that way. But then everything we predict happens - my husband and I aren't psychics, it's just blatantly obvious the path nieces and nephews are headed down.

Oh boy, don't count your nieces and nephews out, yet. Even if they get off to a bumpy start they can still turn things around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Omg, OP, you may be the most obnoxious, oblivious poster on DCUM, and that says a lot. I the first kid in my blue-collar family to go to college. I have an education, but more importantly, I have emotional intelligence. You, OP, are an emotional ignoramus.

Your family resents your "sage advice." They do not envy your displays of wealth and your perceived superiority. They don't envy you. They don't want to be you. They don't want to follow in your footsteps. You repel them. Your smug self-satisfaction is repulsive in every way.

Here's the best thing you can do for them: shut up. Stop advising them. Perversely, they probably never logged in to the online grading system because you suggested it. If you actually love them and don't just enjoy shoving their faces in the dirt, back off. If they want what you have - your values - they will follow. But I reckon you really haven't "displayed" a lifestyle that they actually admire. You can't be a leader of no one actually wants to follow you.

Every single word above is TRUE.

OP, you really have to be smarter about this. The definition of insanity is to attempt over and over again something you know will not work.

You're even coming off as repulsive on DCUM, to total strangers - imagine how your family feels!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Omg, OP, you may be the most obnoxious, oblivious poster on DCUM, and that says a lot. I the first kid in my blue-collar family to go to college. I have an education, but more importantly, I have emotional intelligence. You, OP, are an emotional ignoramus.

Your family resents your "sage advice." They do not envy your displays of wealth and your perceived superiority. They don't envy you. They don't want to be you. They don't want to follow in your footsteps. You repel them. Your smug self-satisfaction is repulsive in every way.

Here's the best thing you can do for them: shut up. Stop advising them. Perversely, they probably never logged in to the online grading system because you suggested it. If you actually love them and don't just enjoy shoving their faces in the dirt, back off. If they want what you have - your values - they will follow. But I reckon you really haven't "displayed" a lifestyle that they actually admire. You can't be a leader of no one actually wants to follow you.

Every single word above is TRUE.

OP, you really have to be smarter about this. The definition of insanity is to attempt over and over again something you know will not work.

You're even coming off as repulsive on DCUM, to total strangers - imagine how your family feels!

Seriously! If they aren't worried about it than you shouldn't be either. Live and let live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
Look, I'm not perfect, my husband isn't perfect, my kids aren't perfect, but at least I'm giving my kids a good shot at success. The rest of my family never left the economically depressed region we grew up in and it's becoming clear their kids will suffer the same fate. They're trapped due to lack of education and low skills and perpetual poor decisions. I don't expect 40-50 year old adults to boil the ocean and modify their life, but it's disgusting to see their ignorant and lazy parenting dooming another generation. And they can't claim ignorance because they saw the way my husband and I did it and I'm always giving sage advice. It's honestly hard to even go home for holidays because I hate to see it. It's like watching a slow motion car wreck.

But are you comparing apples to apples? Do you and your siblings have the same education level, same career potentials? I am guessing not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Hmm.
What's particularly difficult, and apparently impossible for you, is to step into somebody else's shoes and really understand why they're making these "wrong" decisions.
Either you'd find out that there actually is a good reason, or you'll have a lot more compassion for their foibles. Either way, you'll judge less!

As in why do they make poor decisions over and over? Why do they live like our terrible parents when we all vowed to give our kids more opportunity? I've asked. They can't answer. I thought most of it was just not realizing a better life was achievable, or how it was achievable. But then things went well for me, so the lifestyle and status my husband and I were able to achieve was on display. Not only did it show them what was achievable, we would bend over backwards to help show them the way. But they haven't changed.

I asked them if they use the grading system for their kids' schools. They said yes. I offered to help and they gave me the passwords. The system showed they had never logged on. Not once. Even after I walked them through it, six months later, still no logins from them. Like W-T-F. How can they be like this?

Let me guess....you sell Herbalife?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They don't envy you. They don't want to be you. They don't want to follow in your footsteps.

OP here.
That's just not true. They would love our lifestyle. They would love to be able to move out of that hopeless region. You should have seen their eyes when they first walked into our newest home. But they act as if it fell from the sky. I think a lot of it is growth versus fixed mindset.

So how did you achieve your lifestyle? Married a wealthy man?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They don't envy you. They don't want to be you. They don't want to follow in your footsteps.

OP here.
That's just not true. They would love our lifestyle. They would love to be able to move out of that hopeless region. You should have seen their eyes when they first walked into our newest home. But they act as if it fell from the sky. I think a lot of it is growth versus fixed mindset.

So how did you achieve your lifestyle? Married a wealthy man?

Yep, that's all there is to it. Go out and snag yourself a rich husband. Easy Peasy, duh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They don't envy you. They don't want to be you. They don't want to follow in your footsteps.

OP here.
That's just not true. They would love our lifestyle. They would love to be able to move out of that hopeless region. You should have seen their eyes when they first walked into our newest home. But they act as if it fell from the sky. I think a lot of it is growth versus fixed mindset.

NP here. However inelegantly put, I understood what you meant, OP. We have done better than most of our friends and family. It's hard not to see the differences. It's also pretty clear that some of the differences are attributable to luck and some are the result of bad choices. It's really hard to just sit there and watch when someone you love makes wrong choice after wrong choice after wrong choice - wracking up credit card debt or blowing thousands of dollars on birthday parties when the house is in foreclosure, etc... Then, when you see them parenting their kids in ways that continues the trend in the next generation... ugh. It's painful.

That said, I've lived long enough now that I've had to eat a bit of crow in some (not all) of these situations. You think someone is making a really, really bad decision (like marrying someone who stole their car and disappeared without a trace for two weeks before the wedding), but then 20 years later, they are still married and still in love and all your predictions of doom and gloom have been proved wrong. Time to eat crow. Other times, everyone sees the writing on the wall, and 20 years later... well, it's every bit as bad as predicted.

What I'm trying to say is that it's best to approach these things with a bit of humility. You don't know what the future is going to bring for anyone, and choices you might not make for yourself are not necessarily bad choices for others. You're going to have to practice keeping silent (as I had to do) and just hope for the best. Give advice if it's sought, but other than that, just work on keeping an open mind and a closed mouth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Omg, OP, you may be the most obnoxious, oblivious poster on DCUM, and that says a lot. I the first kid in my blue-collar family to go to college. I have an education, but more importantly, I have emotional intelligence. You, OP, are an emotional ignoramus.

Your family resents your "sage advice." They do not envy your displays of wealth and your perceived superiority. They don't envy you. They don't want to be you. They don't want to follow in your footsteps. You repel them. Your smug self-satisfaction is repulsive in every way.

Here's the best thing you can do for them: shut up. Stop advising them. Perversely, they probably never logged in to the online grading system because you suggested it. If you actually love them and don't just enjoy shoving their faces in the dirt, back off. If they want what you have - your values - they will follow. But I reckon you really haven't "displayed" a lifestyle that they actually admire. You can't be a leader of no one actually wants to follow you.

This. I can't believe all of the people here saying they should be so grateful that OP imparted her magical wisdom. OP is how you get people supporting Donald Trump, because they feel SO LOOKED DOWN UPON by everyone else.

You made something of yourself. We get it, OP. They do too. Just stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They don't envy you. They don't want to be you. They don't want to follow in your footsteps.

OP here.
That's just not true. They would love our lifestyle. They would love to be able to move out of that hopeless region. You should have seen their eyes when they first walked into our newest home. But they act as if it fell from the sky. I think a lot of it is growth versus fixed mindset.

Holy shit. You are so unbelievably obnoxious. I can't believe you can't figure out why they're ignoring your advice. IT IS YOU.