DH's anti-social nature causing resentment

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you are describing my wife, OP. I'm with you - her attitude toward socializing drives me insane.

[Anonymous]

I think the big issue here isn't the frequency or the leaving early, but the fact that he is turning this into some sort of fight/power struggle every time. I would talk about THAT. Not how often, but the fact that he is so negative about every single social occasion means that he is punishing you for wanting to socialize. What if you complained and griped and made him feel like a jerk every time he went for a run? It would suck the pleasure out of it and that's not fair.

Once you explain that his attitude is the problem, then you can find a compromise--e.g., he will go to three social events with you per month, staying at least 3 hours each time with a cheerful and positive attitude and in return you won't even ask him to attend any other events. He is 100% off the hook except for those 3 things. Everything else you will send apologies or go solo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No idea why you are nagging him. You being ashamed of him and making excuses is your own problem and frankly he deserves better from a partner. You can go to events on your own and allow him his down time so he can continue to be a great dad and provider. Your selfish desire to force him to be in uncomfortable situations so you can look good will probably drive him away. Grow up. You're not playing a married couple on tv that has to keep up appearances. Care more about your partner's happiness than what the jones' think. Find some girlfriends to go out with you if you can't stand to show up solo. Give your spouse a break. He's not your ken doll.

You don't think it's fair for a wife to expect her husband to do some family-based social events without complaining? It doesn't sound like she expects him to go to a black tie dinner every night.

He does go... for example... to the driveway drinking party with the kids.... he just went home early. What is wrong with that. He is compromising... maybe he doesn't feel much of a connection with these people. Personally, I like people that I really don't have very much in common. I'll show up places.... but don't always stay to the end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife expects me to go to social events with her to mingle with people she knows better than I do, but the second we arrive she ditches me to hang out with other people. I'd rather not go and, depending on the occasion, just refuse. I don't like small talk and gossip, and when forced to engage in it usually end up second-guessing things I said or how I could have handled social interactions for hours afterwards.

I get that! I'm more project focused... enjoy groups but I don't really see the point of talking about worthless topics. If the conversation is centered around something relevant that's different and I'll engage but hate talking sports and gossip stuff.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like anxiety because it's so extreme.

Can you go to these things without him? I do things with just the kids while my husband stays home or goes running or whatever. Not all the time but sometimes. Cut the requests for him to join you by half or a third. Give him a break. This is hard for him apparently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I feel I'm constantly making excuses for him, defending him, and then bickering with him about why he's being this way. Im trying to be understanding and we already do a lot less than most couples in these groups - I don't feel like I'm pushing for a crazy amount of social interaction here. Any advice would be appreciated.

My DH needs a lot more down time than he used to. Life is different in many ways than it used to be. Kids and work take a lot of energy and I don't begrudge him that he wants to focus the energy he has on what is important to him. I often go alone/with the kids. I don't make excuses or defend or bicker with him though. "He couldn't make it" and that's it. People still like him and us. So my advice would be to ask him what is comfortable for him (I do think 1/week to socialize is a lot if you have a full time job, kids, and don't actually want to be there). Stick to that schedule and leave him be. Why does HE need to be in the driveway, is what I'm asking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the big issue here isn't the frequency or the leaving early, but the fact that he is turning this into some sort of fight/power struggle every time. I would talk about THAT. Not how often, but the fact that he is so negative about every single social occasion means that he is punishing you for wanting to socialize. What if you complained and griped and made him feel like a jerk every time he went for a run? It would suck the pleasure out of it and that's not fair.

Once you explain that his attitude is the problem, then you can find a compromise--e.g., he will go to three social events with you per month, staying at least 3 hours each time with a cheerful and positive attitude and in return you won't even ask him to attend any other events. He is 100% off the hook except for those 3 things. Everything else you will send apologies or go solo.

Why does he have to go at all? As a PP said, just say he couldn't make it. You don't have to make excuses. My DH is pretty social, but I have noticed in the last couple of years (after kids) that he is a lot less interested in going out, as are a lot of his friends. He coaches our kids rec team, the kids have lessons, we have home projects, etc.

In talking to my friends, we have all noticed that the women have become a lot more social as the kids get older, and the guys tend to not be interested in doing as much, and want to just chill at home. My mom says it gets even worse as you age. Since your DH was already in introvert, it probably just looks more extreme.

Also - I am an introvert. I would be annoyed as hell if my DH wanted to drag me somewhere once a week. Not interested - AT ALL. Just leave it be. Ask him to come to really important family events and then just go with the kids or go by yourself. You might find that if you back off he would be more willing to "take on for the team".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the big issue here isn't the frequency or the leaving early, but the fact that he is turning this into some sort of fight/power struggle every time. I would talk about THAT. Not how often, but the fact that he is so negative about every single social occasion means that he is punishing you for wanting to socialize. What if you complained and griped and made him feel like a jerk every time he went for a run? It would suck the pleasure out of it and that's not fair.

Once you explain that his attitude is the problem, then you can find a compromise--e.g., he will go to three social events with you per month, staying at least 3 hours each time with a cheerful and positive attitude and in return you won't even ask him to attend any other events. He is 100% off the hook except for those 3 things. Everything else you will send apologies or go solo.

Why does he have to go at all? As a PP said, just say he couldn't make it. You don't have to make excuses. My DH is pretty social, but I have noticed in the last couple of years (after kids) that he is a lot less interested in going out, as are a lot of his friends. He coaches our kids rec team, the kids have lessons, we have home projects, etc.

In talking to my friends, we have all noticed that the women have become a lot more social as the kids get older, and the guys tend to not be interested in doing as much, and want to just chill at home. My mom says it gets even worse as you age. Since your DH was already in introvert, it probably just looks more extreme.

Also - I am an introvert. I would be annoyed as hell if my DH wanted to drag me somewhere once a week. Not interested - AT ALL. Just leave it be. Ask him to come to really important family events and then just go with the kids or go by yourself. You might find that if you back off he would be more willing to "take on for the team".

Yeah, you want to try to avoid making the other person feel like they have to "give in" to please you. Sort of like high libido/low libido issues in marriages. Sometimes backing off is a way to let absence make the heart grow fonder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I feel I'm constantly making excuses for him, defending him, and then bickering with him about why he's being this way. Im trying to be understanding and we already do a lot less than most couples in these groups - I don't feel like I'm pushing for a crazy amount of social interaction here. Any advice would be appreciated.

My DH needs a lot more down time than he used to. Life is different in many ways than it used to be. Kids and work take a lot of energy and I don't begrudge him that he wants to focus the energy he has on what is important to him. I often go alone/with the kids. I don't make excuses or defend or bicker with him though. "He couldn't make it" and that's it. People still like him and us. So my advice would be to ask him what is comfortable for him (I do think 1/week to socialize is a lot if you have a full time job, kids, and don't actually want to be there). Stick to that schedule and leave him be. Why does HE need to be in the driveway, is what I'm asking.

That's fine if you can manage to stay loyal by not gossiping about him behind his back but I get the distinct impression that the OP is the type to want her friends to approve of her more than her husband and so she would bad mouth him for not being there.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have described my husband. If it's not socializing with his two or three closest friends, he doesn't really have fun. We've been married 20 years and I began doing things regularly on my own about 5 years ago. He's so happy that he doesn't have to do all these events, and frankly I'm so happy I don't have to worry about him being anxious or bored and wanting to leave early. The secret is to truly accept that he's happier at home, and for him to encourage you to be your social butterfly self.

[Anonymous]

I was married to a person like your DH and we are now divorced. I am also an extroverted introvert, but really limited my social interactions because of my now ex and became very withdrawn. Ex's only social outlet was work friends and eventually had an affair with a coworker.

In retrospect, I really wish I'd made a deal with my spouse: "I won't bug you about social stuff. You don't have to participate, you can leave early, you can decide not to attend, you can go someplace else if I'm having people over, but you can't try and block me from socializing or say negative things about my social activities or the people I spend time with." I would suggest that you just live the social life you want, and try to not to get hung up on DH's behavior.

[Anonymous]

I'm single, and I've noticed that some of my married friends go out without their spouses quite a bit. Their marriages seem fine, and I suspect that the other spouse had something else he/she had to do, or is more introverted and didn't want to come.

I don't think there's anything wrong with splitting up for this stuff if he really doesn't want to go. It can be uncomfortable to be at an event where you don't know people well and he may be tired of making an effort when he'd rather just be home. Social events should be fun, not tiring. if he has to be "on" all day at work, he needs some "off" time to recharge, and that's ok.

As long as he doesn't try to keep *you* from going places without him, I think you're good. Is he willing to have the kids at home with him so you don't have to get a sitter?

[Anonymous]

I hear where you are coming from. My DH is extemely anti-social. Its gotten way worse with time. When we were in grad school where we met, he had more friends than I did, went to all the parties, etc. Now, 20 years later, he won't go out at all (unless its with his brother or his best friend). It sucks and its hurtful but really, your only option is to just carve out your own social life. Find divorced friends to hang out with on the weekends so you don't have to deal with husbands looking for yours to talk to. Go to events, activities, whatever it is that you want to do - with the kids or without. He will probably be happier that you don't try to drag him to all of this stuff. And you will be happier that you get to go out. Sure, there will be moments of compromise where you want him to attend something. I've gotten this down to a few dinner parties per year. Other than that, I just leave DH alone. He will go out to dinner just with me, which is fine. Is it my ideal? No way. But its the hand life dealt me.

[Anonymous]

My DH is a milder version of yours and I'm probably even more extroverted than you, OP. It definitely causes a bit of friction. But I try as hard as I can to let him choose whether or not to attend things with me and to only insist that he attend certain important events. I get that he doesn't want to do nearly as much socially as I do and I try to respect it. Have you talked about this with DH in a big picture sense, rather than about a particular invitation?

My advice is to explain to him that is important to you that he attend at least some social things with you/the kids and you need to prioritize and figure out which things those are. Is it the couples dinners or the hang out events on the block or something else? And then for all of the other lesser important events, let him choose whether he wants to attend (and do not nag him or pout if he doesn't).

No one should give you grief about DH not attending events, nor should you be embarrassed! If anyone asks where DH is, say he's an introvert and he's home reading. Or say that he's got a long run in the morning and he needs to go to bed early. Whatever. Who cares? It is not a sign of problems in your marriage if DH does not accompany you to every event.

I went to a wedding recently and was talking with an older woman acquaintance who has been married for 30 years. I asked whether her husband was at the wedding and she said, oh no, he doesn't do weddings and hasn't been to one except for our children's in about 15 years. I thought that was great - he hates weddings, she loves them, and she didn't make an excuse for him, just said he doesn't like them so he doesn't attend. No biggie.

[Anonymous]

OP here - thanks for all the great advice - I truly appreciate it. Just to clarify a few things - a lot of these occasions wouldn't really be characterized as 'going out,' really. Just a casual dinner with the kids running around and the adults having a few beers, etc.

I have no issue at all going solo and I do that a lot but for whatever reason, it's usually couples at these things. And I LIKE hanging out with him and having him there. Also, the kids are little and wild and it's always helpful to have an extra set of hands with them - sure, I can leave one of them home, but that's not really fair to them. He's now getting "known" as the one who's not usually there, leaves early, etc. I don't like people thinking he's unfriendly or doesn't like them, but I realize that's not his issue to own. I wish people could know the him that I know, if that makes sense.

I really like the idea of saying the number - hey, if we do these three things over the next month, I won't ask about anything else. I'm also hoping as the kids get older and he has more time to himself hopefully, it may improve.