DH's anti-social nature causing resentment

[Anonymous]

I'm hoping to get some kindhearted advice as I am really struggling with this.

DH and I are in early 30s. Together 13 years, married for eight. Two children, five and two. We have a good life. Healthy kids, jobs with reasonable hours, no financial concerns, beautiful house etc.

I am the definition of an extroverted introvert. Very friendly and social, but relish my alone time. DH is a loner and has gotten MUCH more introverted over time. When we first started dating, he had a close group of friends he regularly saw etc. Now he focuses on work, his running, and our family. He's a good husband and a great and involved father. When we're together or in a small group, he's funny, chill and relaxed.

Fast forward to now and getting him to go to any social event is like pulling teeth. We have a number of close groups of friends – from the kids' school, in our neighborhood – and are invited to stuff with them pretty regularly. BBQs, dinners out, stuff with the kids etc. Pretty much every time we get an invitation, he huffs and rolls his eyes. He makes excuses to leave early, or complains that he doesn't want to go. And these are people that he actually likes!

It's becoming so frustrating to me. I've tried to be understanding - limiting times that people come to our house (though I don't want to be seen as a mooch), giving him lots of notice, turning down various invitations - but I find myself becoming resentful. Rather than looking forward to invitations, I know dread how he's going to react and how we will bicker about it. Friday nights are automatically out because he does a long run on Saturdays. A once weekly hangout after work – a glass of wine in the driveway while the kids play, for example - is an issue because it interferes with his alone time with the kids (so he says).

Over the past months he's left every night out early (730 vs 9 - no ones staying out til midnight here), gone home from a guys' weekend in the evening vs staying overnight, and tried to leave a family wedding (HIS family) a few hours away and drive home that evening (vs staying in hotel, seeing everyone at the brunch etc).

I realize there are worse things - as I said he's a kind and loyal person and a great partner. But I find myself getting more and more frustrated with the situation - I feel I'm constantly making excuses for him, defending him, and then bickering with him about why he's being this way. Im trying to be understanding and we already do a lot less than most couples in these groups - I don't feel like I'm pushing for a crazy amount of social interaction here. Any advice would be appreciated.

[Anonymous]

How did you end up being the social life manager for your family? That's probably part of the issue. This is like households where the wife becomes the cleaning directory and her husband becomes her "helper." Over time, he starts acting like an employee who only does something with he is told, instead of feeling like he has skin in the game.

Does he have anything healthwise going on? Maybe something that causes him to be irritable. Hyperacusis? This can be social functions painful. Also, things like depression, anxiety, etc.

[Anonymous]

No idea why you are nagging him. You being ashamed of him and making excuses is your own problem and frankly he deserves better from a partner. You can go to events on your own and allow him his down time so he can continue to be a great dad and provider. Your selfish desire to force him to be in uncomfortable situations so you can look good will probably drive him away. Grow up. You're not playing a married couple on tv that has to keep up appearances. Care more about your partner's happiness than what the jones' think. Find some girlfriends to go out with you if you can't stand to show up solo. Give your spouse a break. He's not your ken doll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No idea why you are nagging him. You being ashamed of him and making excuses is your own problem and frankly he deserves better from a partner. You can go to events on your own and allow him his down time so he can continue to be a great dad and provider. Your selfish desire to force him to be in uncomfortable situations so you can look good will probably drive him away. Grow up. You're not playing a married couple on tv that has to keep up appearances. Care more about your partner's happiness than what the jones' think. Find some girlfriends to go out with you if you can't stand to show up solo. Give your spouse a break. He's not your ken doll.

This is a tad extreme. It's not unreasonable for her to expect him to be able to go out with her once a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did you end up being the social life manager for your family? That's probably part of the issue. This is like households where the wife becomes the cleaning directory and her husband becomes her "helper." Over time, he starts acting like an employee who only does something with he is told, instead of feeling like he has skin in the game.

Does he have anything healthwise going on? Maybe something that causes him to be irritable. Hyperacusis? This can be social functions painful. Also, things like depression, anxiety, etc.

OP here. I think the social thing is just my nature. Most women I know fill that tole within their families, and it comes more naturally to me. I actually love for him to do stuff with the guys alone (he never plans of course, but is still included a lot of the time), so it's not like I'm always even involved.

I've actually thought about the whole mental health situation, but nothing else in his life indicates that at all...

[Anonymous]

Op do you have any sense why he has changed in this way? Could he have anxiety or something? leaving the wedding and the guys' weekend early sound pretty weird and make me think his desire to be at home is more than just being an introvert.

In any case, I see how this would be really frustrating. If he just said he'd rather not go but you are welcome to go, or you could have an understanding that when people come over he will largely be at the grill and then put the kids to bed, fine. But grumping about everything would be super exhausting. Can you make more plans without him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No idea why you are nagging him. You being ashamed of him and making excuses is your own problem and frankly he deserves better from a partner. You can go to events on your own and allow him his down time so he can continue to be a great dad and provider. Your selfish desire to force him to be in uncomfortable situations so you can look good will probably drive him away. Grow up. You're not playing a married couple on tv that has to keep up appearances. Care more about your partner's happiness than what the jones' think. Find some girlfriends to go out with you if you can't stand to show up solo. Give your spouse a break. He's not your ken doll.

This is a tad extreme. It's not unreasonable for her to expect him to be able to go out with her once a week.

Once a week is a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No idea why you are nagging him. You being ashamed of him and making excuses is your own problem and frankly he deserves better from a partner. You can go to events on your own and allow him his down time so he can continue to be a great dad and provider. Your selfish desire to force him to be in uncomfortable situations so you can look good will probably drive him away. Grow up. You're not playing a married couple on tv that has to keep up appearances. Care more about your partner's happiness than what the jones' think. Find some girlfriends to go out with you if you can't stand to show up solo. Give your spouse a break. He's not your ken doll.

You don't think it's fair for a wife to expect her husband to do some family-based social events without complaining? It doesn't sound like she expects him to go to a black tie dinner every night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op do you have any sense why he has changed in this way? Could he have anxiety or something? leaving the wedding and the guys' weekend early sound pretty weird and make me think his desire to be at home is more than just being an introvert.

In any case, I see how this would be really frustrating. If he just said he'd rather not go but you are welcome to go, or you could have an understanding that when people come over he will largely be at the grill and then put the kids to bed, fine. But grumping about everything would be super exhausting. Can you make more plans without him?

Thanks so much for understanding! I'm a big believer that in a marriage you can't expect someone to change completely. I knew he was never a big politician over-the-top friendly type, and that never bothered me. But this has definitely gotten worse. It may be because there is very little downtime because of the kids. He also is in an open office environment and I recognize that takes a lot out of an introvert - basically having to be "on" at work all day. It may not sound like it in my regional post but I really do try to be understanding. I feel guilty about the resentment and want to figure out a middle ground.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op do you have any sense why he has changed in this way? Could he have anxiety or something? leaving the wedding and the guys' weekend early sound pretty weird and make me think his desire to be at home is more than just being an introvert.

In any case, I see how this would be really frustrating. If he just said he'd rather not go but you are welcome to go, or you could have an understanding that when people come over he will largely be at the grill and then put the kids to bed, fine. But grumping about everything would be super exhausting. Can you make more plans without him?

Thanks so much for understanding! I'm a big believer that in a marriage you can't expect someone to change completely. I knew he was never a big politician over-the-top friendly type, and that never bothered me. But this has definitely gotten worse. It may be because there is very little downtime because of the kids. He also is in an open office environment and I recognize that takes a lot out of an introvert - basically having to be "on" at work all day. It may not sound like it in my regional post but I really do try to be understanding. I feel guilty about the resentment and want to figure out a middle ground.

* original

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No idea why you are nagging him. You being ashamed of him and making excuses is your own problem and frankly he deserves better from a partner. You can go to events on your own and allow him his down time so he can continue to be a great dad and provider. Your selfish desire to force him to be in uncomfortable situations so you can look good will probably drive him away. Grow up. You're not playing a married couple on tv that has to keep up appearances. Care more about your partner's happiness than what the jones' think. Find some girlfriends to go out with you if you can't stand to show up solo. Give your spouse a break. He's not your ken doll.

This is a tad extreme. It's not unreasonable for her to expect him to be able to go out with her once a week.

Once a week is a lot.

That would be a lot for my DH too. We go to a group social activity maybe once every 3 months and have come around to just having him leave early when he's hit his max for socializing. Our friends are used to it.

[Anonymous]

My DH is similar but not as extreme.

We have people over about once every 6 weeks and go out (with others) maybe once every 6 weeks. He will, on occasion, initiate something with "his" friends. He also has a weekly group sport outlet. We see my family in addition to this but I know cumulatively it's all very draining to him. The last time I scheduled three things over two consecutive weekends he flipped out and it wasn't pretty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did you end up being the social life manager for your family? That's probably part of the issue. This is like households where the wife becomes the cleaning directory and her husband becomes her "helper." Over time, he starts acting like an employee who only does something with he is told, instead of feeling like he has skin in the game.

Does he have anything healthwise going on? Maybe something that causes him to be irritable. Hyperacusis? This can be social functions painful. Also, things like depression, anxiety, etc.

OP here. I think the social thing is just my nature. Most women I know fill that tole within their families, and it comes more naturally to me. I actually love for him to do stuff with the guys alone (he never plans of course, but is still included a lot of the time), so it's not like I'm always even involved.

I've actually thought about the whole mental health situation, but nothing else in his life indicates that at all...

Maybe he is feeling like he doesn't have enough "me time." Does he have hobbies that he general works on alone? Maybe you can try to arrange things so he still has a little bit of time to geek out.

[Anonymous]

My wife expects me to go to social events with her to mingle with people she knows better than I do, but the second we arrive she ditches me to hang out with other people. I'd rather not go and, depending on the occasion, just refuse. I don't like small talk and gossip, and when forced to engage in it usually end up second-guessing things I said or how I could have handled social interactions for hours afterwards.

[Anonymous]

Similar here, but I"m the social DH. Don't expect him to go to things. I know if we go to social events we must attend (family's wedding, etc), we won't be shutting the place down but rather leaving early, which is fine. I meet up with the guys every week or two (small kids = little free time.. otherwise would do it more) and she's fine with that and even encourages it.

If you want to make it work, the next time Larla gets invited to a birthday party, tell DH: "Larla got invited to X's birthday party, so I'll take her. Do you want to join us? I can handle Larla on my own but you're welcome to come."

DW also doesn't like large crowded events like a fair or parade, so I just take one or both of our DDs and we have a good time.