DH's anti-social nature causing resentment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know, honestly, I kind of lose patience with the "He's an introvert! It's so hard for him! He needs his space!"

He's an adult. Part of being a married adult with children living in a community is participating in that community. Part of being an adult is doing things that you don't want to do in order to participate in that community and with your family.

I am married to an introvert too, and there are times when I find his attitude toward social interaction to be very condescending. Sometimes it seems like he prefers to hang out alone because nobody could possibly be as interesting as he is and the social interaction is so very pedestrian and he just has better, more lofty things he'd like to be doing. Like DD and I are shallow for wanting him to come to dinner with us and our family friends - people who he professes to like!

It's not trying to remake him in my image. It's participating in family life, where that family life includes spending time together with other families. So yes, OP's husband needs to suck it up a bit. So do some of the other PPs for whom it's sooooo difficult to spend 3 hours at a BBQ or whatever. These are the things that we do for the people that we love, and part of being an adult is recognizing that and not being a jerk about it.

OP here - sorry, busy day, and just catching up. This is definitely part of it (the bolded). I was talking to a friend today about how he'd wanted to leave the wedding weekend early (which was with his family) and she seemed surprised (basically like "oh, it's not just us?") So something isn't getting across and I do think some of it is his attitude about it. He wears his feelings on his sleeve so a) with me, instead of texting after we got the game night invite (we were both at work) like "hey, I've had a long week, mind if I stay in tonight? Feel free to go, I've got the boys and will then chill - maybe dinner with the group next week?" he just pouts and/or makes a sullen comment. OR b) when a group starts to discuss a potential hangout (happened last weekend - we were all at the pool and someone said, hey, everyone want to have an early BBQ tonight and started offering things to bring etc?) he shuts down immediately and/or starts giving me obvious dirty looks when I chime in (which I do reluctantly knowing he won't be happy about the activity, but frankly I feel awkward when everyone's offering and we just sit silent - plus I WANT to go!)

I also agree with PP who mentioned that yes, I do feel eventually we'll start getting left out of couple/family stuff. He's already left out of some guys' nights because he always says no, which doesn't bother him, but I could see it eventually trickling down.

Interesting and thought provoking to see so many others in similar situations..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is extremely introverted and does suffer from some social anxiety. For example, it takes extra effort on his part to make eye contact and to carry on a social conversation. He's a trooper, so he does do it when I need him to but I know it's hard for him so I don't ask him to do it often. I really don't think he would ever enjoy having to do this weekly. Maybe you could reconsider which social events are truly important for him to be there, and give him a free pass on some of the others. I know you said you are starting to resent him, but consider that he may already be resenting you too for all the pressure you are placing on him to socialize. It sounds to me like he is feeling very irritated at having to be at these events, and he may need a break. It may also help for him to seek some therapy so that he can better understand himself and his limits and communicate them to you in a better way.

OP here - my DH isn't like this. Once he's in the moment, he's social and friendly. It seems to be the before/after that affects him more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Great discussion here, thanks OP for posting. I am a few years ahead of you, now married 35 years. DH gave up years ago going anywhere with me! At first I was disturbed, then I viewed it as an opportunity. We had no kids however. I go to concerts, conferences, travel to Europe many times, and do all this by myself. I even have gone to HIS family weddings by myself and he stays home. Somehow this has worked for us. Another poster said about her husband meeting someone at work. That happened unfortunately, my husband started to do things at lunch with another woman. After I found out and it stopped, we seem to be back to normal.

How did he reconcile his social activities with another woman with his refusal to go anywhere with you? Sounds like a marital issue, not an introvert/extrovert issue.

OP here - yes that's a bit odd. DH often says that he can't imagine being single or cheating because frankly it's too much socialization and/or work!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Great discussion here, thanks OP for posting. I am a few years ahead of you, now married 35 years. DH gave up years ago going anywhere with me! At first I was disturbed, then I viewed it as an opportunity. We had no kids however. I go to concerts, conferences, travel to Europe many times, and do all this by myself. I even have gone to HIS family weddings by myself and he stays home. Somehow this has worked for us. Another poster said about her husband meeting someone at work. That happened unfortunately, my husband started to do things at lunch with another woman. After I found out and it stopped, we seem to be back to normal.

How did he reconcile his social activities with another woman with his refusal to go anywhere with you? Sounds like a marital issue, not an introvert/extrovert issue.

OP here - yes that's a bit odd. DH often says that he can't imagine being single or cheating because frankly it's too much socialization and/or work!!

LOL, my anti-social DH says the same thing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Great discussion here, thanks OP for posting. I am a few years ahead of you, now married 35 years. DH gave up years ago going anywhere with me! At first I was disturbed, then I viewed it as an opportunity. We had no kids however. I go to concerts, conferences, travel to Europe many times, and do all this by myself. I even have gone to HIS family weddings by myself and he stays home. Somehow this has worked for us. Another poster said about her husband meeting someone at work. That happened unfortunately, my husband started to do things at lunch with another woman. After I found out and it stopped, we seem to be back to normal.

How did he reconcile his social activities with another woman with his refusal to go anywhere with you? Sounds like a marital issue, not an introvert/extrovert issue.

OP here - yes that's a bit odd. DH often says that he can't imagine being single or cheating because frankly it's too much socialization and/or work!!

LOL, my anti-social DH says the same thing

Right?!?! (OP again) It's actually funny because I used to date much more social, life of the party guys and one of the things I loved (and love) about DH is his quiet kindness and loyalty to our family (and sense of humor, as per that comment, though there's definitely a kernel of truth to it he said it in jest). Helps to remember that at times!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know, honestly, I kind of lose patience with the "He's an introvert! It's so hard for him! He needs his space!"

He's an adult. Part of being a married adult with children living in a community is participating in that community. Part of being an adult is doing things that you don't want to do in order to participate in that community and with your family.

I am married to an introvert too, and there are times when I find his attitude toward social interaction to be very condescending. Sometimes it seems like he prefers to hang out alone because nobody could possibly be as interesting as he is and the social interaction is so very pedestrian and he just has better, more lofty things he'd like to be doing. Like DD and I are shallow for wanting him to come to dinner with us and our family friends - people who he professes to like!

It's not trying to remake him in my image. It's participating in family life, where that family life includes spending time together with other families. So yes, OP's husband needs to suck it up a bit. So do some of the other PPs for whom it's sooooo difficult to spend 3 hours at a BBQ or whatever. These are the things that we do for the people that we love, and part of being an adult is recognizing that and not being a jerk about it.

OP here - sorry, busy day, and just catching up. This is definitely part of it (the bolded). I was talking to a friend today about how he'd wanted to leave the wedding weekend early (which was with his family) and she seemed surprised (basically like "oh, it's not just us?") So something isn't getting across and I do think some of it is his attitude about it. He wears his feelings on his sleeve so a) with me, instead of texting after we got the game night invite (we were both at work) like "hey, I've had a long week, mind if I stay in tonight? Feel free to go, I've got the boys and will then chill - maybe dinner with the group next week?" he just pouts and/or makes a sullen comment. OR b) when a group starts to discuss a potential hangout (happened last weekend - we were all at the pool and someone said, hey, everyone want to have an early BBQ tonight and started offering things to bring etc?) he shuts down immediately and/or starts giving me obvious dirty looks when I chime in (which I do reluctantly knowing he won't be happy about the activity, but frankly I feel awkward when everyone's offering and we just sit silent - plus I WANT to go!)

I also agree with PP who mentioned that yes, I do feel eventually we'll start getting left out of couple/family stuff. He's already left out of some guys' nights because he always says no, which doesn't bother him, but I could see it eventually trickling down.

Interesting and thought provoking to see so many others in similar situations..

Why are you talking to other people about your husband wanting to leave early? Why not make an agreement when stuff like the BBQ comes up that you will just take the kids? For serious introverts that impromptu BBQ is just a straight up nightmare. I know it can be hard to understand, but he just wants to get through hanging at the pool and then GO HOME. He is not interested in extending. Why is that so hard to get?

I agree that he is being shitty about it, but so are you (and I am the introvert). And yes, you will start getting left out of the family stuff if you keep turning it down because of him. Just GO without your DH. Why is that so hard to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know, honestly, I kind of lose patience with the "He's an introvert! It's so hard for him! He needs his space!"

He's an adult. Part of being a married adult with children living in a community is participating in that community. Part of being an adult is doing things that you don't want to do in order to participate in that community and with your family.

I am married to an introvert too, and there are times when I find his attitude toward social interaction to be very condescending. Sometimes it seems like he prefers to hang out alone because nobody could possibly be as interesting as he is and the social interaction is so very pedestrian and he just has better, more lofty things he'd like to be doing. Like DD and I are shallow for wanting him to come to dinner with us and our family friends - people who he professes to like!

It's not trying to remake him in my image. It's participating in family life, where that family life includes spending time together with other families. So yes, OP's husband needs to suck it up a bit. So do some of the other PPs for whom it's sooooo difficult to spend 3 hours at a BBQ or whatever. These are the things that we do for the people that we love, and part of being an adult is recognizing that and not being a jerk about it.

OP here - sorry, busy day, and just catching up. This is definitely part of it (the bolded). I was talking to a friend today about how he'd wanted to leave the wedding weekend early (which was with his family) and she seemed surprised (basically like "oh, it's not just us?") So something isn't getting across and I do think some of it is his attitude about it. He wears his feelings on his sleeve so a) with me, instead of texting after we got the game night invite (we were both at work) like "hey, I've had a long week, mind if I stay in tonight? Feel free to go, I've got the boys and will then chill - maybe dinner with the group next week?" he just pouts and/or makes a sullen comment. OR b) when a group starts to discuss a potential hangout (happened last weekend - we were all at the pool and someone said, hey, everyone want to have an early BBQ tonight and started offering things to bring etc?) he shuts down immediately and/or starts giving me obvious dirty looks when I chime in (which I do reluctantly knowing he won't be happy about the activity, but frankly I feel awkward when everyone's offering and we just sit silent - plus I WANT to go!)

I also agree with PP who mentioned that yes, I do feel eventually we'll start getting left out of couple/family stuff. He's already left out of some guys' nights because he always says no, which doesn't bother him, but I could see it eventually trickling down.

Interesting and thought provoking to see so many others in similar situations..

Why are you talking to other people about your husband wanting to leave early? Why not make an agreement when stuff like the BBQ comes up that you will just take the kids? For serious introverts that impromptu BBQ is just a straight up nightmare. I know it can be hard to understand, but he just wants to get through hanging at the pool and then GO HOME. He is not interested in extending. Why is that so hard to get?

I agree that he is being shitty about it, but so are you (and I am the introvert). And yes, you will start getting left out of the family stuff if you keep turning it down because of him. Just GO without your DH. Why is that so hard to do?

I'm the original poster that the OP was responding to.

Her point is that while she CAN go alone, she doesn't WANT to go alone. She wants to attend family events with her family and for her husband to stop being a jerk to her every time they get an invitation. I don't see why it is imperative on everyone else to be sensitive to the introvert's desire to not socialize when the introvert is refusing to show the same kind of sensitivity. Why is it so hard to just go to the thing that comes up once a week? There are 6 other days to stay in and look at your iPad.

[Anonymous]

OP have you tried to talk to him about this? What does he say?

[Anonymous]

Going to a party with a two and five year old kinda sucks. It became much easier to socialize when the kids became older.

[Anonymous]

This certainly must have stricken a common note here -- so much discussion. I keep wondering if something is physically bothering him since this seems like a change. Does he get regular checkups? Do you do anything together without other people? Maybe a movie, dinner, to church, or run together. Just being tired can make anyone grumpy. Sometimes all the chatter, decisions, and technology can be just too much and make me want to just tune out! It may be a thought that goes against most of your other advice but what if you just took a month off from socializing and just spent time together. You sound very much in love with him and this could be a gift of love to him. Just a time to show him he really is the most important person in the world to you. Hugs and Prayers

[Anonymous]

Stop trying to change him.