DH's anti-social nature causing resentment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I feel I'm constantly making excuses for him, defending him, and then bickering with him about why he's being this way. Im trying to be understanding and we already do a lot less than most couples in these groups - I don't feel like I'm pushing for a crazy amount of social interaction here. Any advice would be appreciated.

My DH needs a lot more down time than he used to. Life is different in many ways than it used to be. Kids and work take a lot of energy and I don't begrudge him that he wants to focus the energy he has on what is important to him. I often go alone/with the kids. I don't make excuses or defend or bicker with him though. "He couldn't make it" and that's it. People still like him and us. So my advice would be to ask him what is comfortable for him (I do think 1/week to socialize is a lot if you have a full time job, kids, and don't actually want to be there). Stick to that schedule and leave him be. Why does HE need to be in the driveway, is what I'm asking.

That's fine if you can manage to stay loyal by not gossiping about him behind his back but I get the distinct impression that the OP is the type to want her friends to approve of her more than her husband and so she would bad mouth him for not being there.

Where in the world did you get that impression? It sounded to me like the OP wants to hang out with friends occasionally as a family and her husband does not ever want to do that and starts drama most times she plans anything.

OP, is there a reason that you need him to go along on every social event? I am also married to a man who would strongly prefer to just stay home. There are a number of things that we do together that he enjoys, but if left to his own devices, he would probably choose to stay home, read, mess around with his computer, play guitar, etc. I have a lot more social stuff going on - friends, their kids, PTA, etc. - and I just don't require him to come to stuff. I tell him when it is (as in "Larla and I are going to the PTA restaurant night this week. It's Tuesday at X Restaurant at 5:30, if you'd like to come. If not, we'll see you when we get home!) and then do not give him any crap about not coming. As a result, we have gotten to a point where I am comfortable flying solo on stuff and he comes along when he wants to and there is no drama about it.

Oh I definitely don't always need him to go! Sorry if that wasn't clear. I do stuff with just the girls etc all the time. What I'm referring to are family or couple things where everyone seems to be there as a group - I'd never ask him to come along if it weren't a 'guys too' sort of thing.

What do you think would happen if you went with your kids alone to one of these events and if someone asked where he was, you just said, "Oh, Dave wasn't feeling well so he decided to stay home and catch up on rest/Dave needed to finish X project and hoped he'd be finished in time to join us later/etc."?

Nothing would happen I just wish it weren't always the case.

It drinking in the neighbors driveway.... what is the big deal if he wants to go or not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the big issue here isn't the frequency or the leaving early, but the fact that he is turning this into some sort of fight/power struggle every time. I would talk about THAT. Not how often, but the fact that he is so negative about every single social occasion means that he is punishing you for wanting to socialize. What if you complained and griped and made him feel like a jerk every time he went for a run? It would suck the pleasure out of it and that's not fair.

Once you explain that his attitude is the problem, then you can find a compromise--e.g., he will go to three social events with you per month, staying at least 3 hours each time with a cheerful and positive attitude and in return you won't even ask him to attend any other events. He is 100% off the hook except for those 3 things. Everything else you will send apologies or go solo.

+1
This is great advice

An OPs part of the compromise??? Does how many events does she stay home with him for? Sounds like he is doing all the compromising in your suggesting. Plus the way you outlined it you are treating this grown man like her child. Bottom line. if he doesn't want to go he doesn't have to. Its his body.... his choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I feel I'm constantly making excuses for him, defending him, and then bickering with him about why he's being this way. Im trying to be understanding and we already do a lot less than most couples in these groups - I don't feel like I'm pushing for a crazy amount of social interaction here. Any advice would be appreciated.

My DH needs a lot more down time than he used to. Life is different in many ways than it used to be. Kids and work take a lot of energy and I don't begrudge him that he wants to focus the energy he has on what is important to him. I often go alone/with the kids. I don't make excuses or defend or bicker with him though. "He couldn't make it" and that's it. People still like him and us. So my advice would be to ask him what is comfortable for him (I do think 1/week to socialize is a lot if you have a full time job, kids, and don't actually want to be there). Stick to that schedule and leave him be. Why does HE need to be in the driveway, is what I'm asking.

That's fine if you can manage to stay loyal by not gossiping about him behind his back but I get the distinct impression that the OP is the type to want her friends to approve of her more than her husband and so she would bad mouth him for not being there.

Where in the world did you get that impression? It sounded to me like the OP wants to hang out with friends occasionally as a family and her husband does not ever want to do that and starts drama most times she plans anything.

OP, is there a reason that you need him to go along on every social event? I am also married to a man who would strongly prefer to just stay home. There are a number of things that we do together that he enjoys, but if left to his own devices, he would probably choose to stay home, read, mess around with his computer, play guitar, etc. I have a lot more social stuff going on - friends, their kids, PTA, etc. - and I just don't require him to come to stuff. I tell him when it is (as in "Larla and I are going to the PTA restaurant night this week. It's Tuesday at X Restaurant at 5:30, if you'd like to come. If not, we'll see you when we get home!) and then do not give him any crap about not coming. As a result, we have gotten to a point where I am comfortable flying solo on stuff and he comes along when he wants to and there is no drama about it.

Oh I definitely don't always need him to go! Sorry if that wasn't clear. I do stuff with just the girls etc all the time. What I'm referring to are family or couple things where everyone seems to be there as a group - I'd never ask him to come along if it weren't a 'guys too' sort of thing.

What do you think would happen if you went with your kids alone to one of these events and if someone asked where he was, you just said, "Oh, Dave wasn't feeling well so he decided to stay home and catch up on rest/Dave needed to finish X project and hoped he'd be finished in time to join us later/etc."?

Nothing would happen I just wish it weren't always the case.

It drinking in the neighbors driveway.... what is the big deal if he wants to go or not?

I just wish it didn't have to be a bickering situation every time. Also, on a beautiful summer evening, I like to hang out with my husband as well as our friends and the kids. Sucks to always have it be either/or.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the big issue here isn't the frequency or the leaving early, but the fact that he is turning this into some sort of fight/power struggle every time. I would talk about THAT. Not how often, but the fact that he is so negative about every single social occasion means that he is punishing you for wanting to socialize. What if you complained and griped and made him feel like a jerk every time he went for a run? It would suck the pleasure out of it and that's not fair.

Once you explain that his attitude is the problem, then you can find a compromise--e.g., he will go to three social events with you per month, staying at least 3 hours each time with a cheerful and positive attitude and in return you won't even ask him to attend any other events. He is 100% off the hook except for those 3 things. Everything else you will send apologies or go solo.

+1
This is great advice

An OPs part of the compromise??? Does how many events does she stay home with him for? Sounds like he is doing all the compromising in your suggesting. Plus the way you outlined it you are treating this grown man like her child. Bottom line. if he doesn't want to go he doesn't have to. Its his body.... his choice.

This is OP - not sure why you sound so angry. I don't deny it's his choice. But I do compromise and sacrifice, a lot. Friday game night? Automatic no. Stay an extra night at the wedding to chill/hike/have dinner with family? Nope. Lie on texts from neighbors about why we're not out on the cul de sac? Yup, done it. It's not fun, I promise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the big issue here isn't the frequency or the leaving early, but the fact that he is turning this into some sort of fight/power struggle every time. I would talk about THAT. Not how often, but the fact that he is so negative about every single social occasion means that he is punishing you for wanting to socialize. What if you complained and griped and made him feel like a jerk every time he went for a run? It would suck the pleasure out of it and that's not fair.

Once you explain that his attitude is the problem, then you can find a compromise--e.g., he will go to three social events with you per month, staying at least 3 hours each time with a cheerful and positive attitude and in return you won't even ask him to attend any other events. He is 100% off the hook except for those 3 things. Everything else you will send apologies or go solo.

+1
This is great advice

No its not. Explaining to someone that their "attitude is the problem" has actually never improved a situation in the history of humanity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the big issue here isn't the frequency or the leaving early, but the fact that he is turning this into some sort of fight/power struggle every time. I would talk about THAT. Not how often, but the fact that he is so negative about every single social occasion means that he is punishing you for wanting to socialize. What if you complained and griped and made him feel like a jerk every time he went for a run? It would suck the pleasure out of it and that's not fair.

Once you explain that his attitude is the problem, then you can find a compromise--e.g., he will go to three social events with you per month, staying at least 3 hours each time with a cheerful and positive attitude and in return you won't even ask him to attend any other events. He is 100% off the hook except for those 3 things. Everything else you will send apologies or go solo.

+1
This is great advice

An OPs part of the compromise??? Does how many events does she stay home with him for? Sounds like he is doing all the compromising in your suggesting. Plus the way you outlined it you are treating this grown man like her child. Bottom line. if he doesn't want to go he doesn't have to. Its his body.... his choice.

This is OP - not sure why you sound so angry. I don't deny it's his choice. But I do compromise and sacrifice, a lot. Friday game night? Automatic no. Stay an extra night at the wedding to chill/hike/have dinner with family? Nope. Lie on texts from neighbors about why we're not out on the cul de sac? Yup, done it. It's not fun, I promise.

Not pp but why do you feel the need to lie to your neighbors? Why wouldn't you say 'no thanks, not tonight' or 'sorry-it's family time tonight' ? You seem to be the one with the serious problem in that you feel the need to constantly please everyone EXCEPT your husband. This is really unhealthy. I think you are the one with signs of mental illness. You feel the need to make your husband suffer so that your neighbors will like you better? That is creepy. Your husband as compromised by attending these events, and you have compromised by leaving them early. You can always go without him. You sound selfish and spoiled and completely out of touch with your partner. Do you go running with your husband every time he runs ? Imagine if he demanded you came with him, and then chastised you if you couldn't keep up or ended early? What have you done to show interest in the things he loves, instead of remaking him in your image?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the big issue here isn't the frequency or the leaving early, but the fact that he is turning this into some sort of fight/power struggle every time. I would talk about THAT. Not how often, but the fact that he is so negative about every single social occasion means that he is punishing you for wanting to socialize. What if you complained and griped and made him feel like a jerk every time he went for a run? It would suck the pleasure out of it and that's not fair.

Once you explain that his attitude is the problem, then you can find a compromise--e.g., he will go to three social events with you per month, staying at least 3 hours each time with a cheerful and positive attitude and in return you won't even ask him to attend any other events. He is 100% off the hook except for those 3 things. Everything else you will send apologies or go solo.

+1
This is great advice

An OPs part of the compromise??? Does how many events does she stay home with him for? Sounds like he is doing all the compromising in your suggesting. Plus the way you outlined it you are treating this grown man like her child. Bottom line. if he doesn't want to go he doesn't have to. Its his body.... his choice.

This is OP - not sure why you sound so angry. I don't deny it's his choice. But I do compromise and sacrifice, a lot. Friday game night? Automatic no. Stay an extra night at the wedding to chill/hike/have dinner with family? Nope. Lie on texts from neighbors about why we're not out on the cul de sac? Yup, done it. It's not fun, I promise.

This is your issue and not his. Why can't you go to game night without him? Why? Why can't you stay an extra night at the wedding and he stays at the hotel and chills while you and the kids chill/hike/have dinner/whatever?

I will say it again - this is YOUR issue. You are making your attendance dependent on his. Stop it and you will both be happier. GO without him.

I have been on both sides of this - I have been the spouse where all of my friends were there with their families and I showed up with my kids and no DH. They wanted to know where he was - a quick smile and a "he's home/he's working/etc" ends all of it. I have also been the spouse where I just don't want to go and hang out with my DH's friends and their families that day. No big deal - he will tell just tell them I had other plans or used the opportunity to chill alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks for all the great advice - I truly appreciate it. Just to clarify a few things - a lot of these occasions wouldn't really be characterized as 'going out,' really. Just a casual dinner with the kids running around and the adults having a few beers, etc.

I have no issue at all going solo and I do that a lot but for whatever reason, it's usually couples at these things. And I LIKE hanging out with him and having him there. Also, the kids are little and wild and it's always helpful to have an extra set of hands with them - sure, I can leave one of them home, but that's not really fair to them. He's now getting "known" as the one who's not usually there, leaves early, etc. I don't like people thinking he's unfriendly or doesn't like them, but I realize that's not his issue to own. I wish people could know the him that I know, if that makes sense.

I really like the idea of saying the number - hey, if we do these three things over the next month, I won't ask about anything else. I'm also hoping as the kids get older and he has more time to himself hopefully, it may improve.

OP, that IS going out! If your husband is a quiet type who prefers to be on his own, it doesn't matter what the setting is -- what matters is that he burns up a lot of energy to socialize with other people.

Several PPs have suggested that you do your social thing and let him do his. You really haven't responded to that. You two are not joined at the hip. Why do these types of invitations become a problem? Just tell him you're going and he can come if he'd like, or not. Why do you need him to come? Just go on your own, ffs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the big issue here isn't the frequency or the leaving early, but the fact that he is turning this into some sort of fight/power struggle every time. I would talk about THAT. Not how often, but the fact that he is so negative about every single social occasion means that he is punishing you for wanting to socialize. What if you complained and griped and made him feel like a jerk every time he went for a run? It would suck the pleasure out of it and that's not fair.

Once you explain that his attitude is the problem, then you can find a compromise--e.g., he will go to three social events with you per month, staying at least 3 hours each time with a cheerful and positive attitude and in return you won't even ask him to attend any other events. He is 100% off the hook except for those 3 things. Everything else you will send apologies or go solo.

+1
This is great advice

An OPs part of the compromise??? Does how many events does she stay home with him for? Sounds like he is doing all the compromising in your suggesting. Plus the way you outlined it you are treating this grown man like her child. Bottom line. if he doesn't want to go he doesn't have to. Its his body.... his choice.

This is OP - not sure why you sound so angry. I don't deny it's his choice. But I do compromise and sacrifice, a lot. Friday game night? Automatic no. Stay an extra night at the wedding to chill/hike/have dinner with family? Nope. Lie on texts from neighbors about why we're not out on the cul de sac? Yup, done it. It's not fun, I promise.

Not pp but why do you feel the need to lie to your neighbors? Why wouldn't you say 'no thanks, not tonight' or 'sorry-it's family time tonight' ? You seem to be the one with the serious problem in that you feel the need to constantly please everyone EXCEPT your husband. This is really unhealthy. I think you are the one with signs of mental illness. You feel the need to make your husband suffer so that your neighbors will like you better? That is creepy. Your husband as compromised by attending these events, and you have compromised by leaving them early. You can always go without him. You sound selfish and spoiled and completely out of touch with your partner. Do you go running with your husband every time he runs ? Imagine if he demanded you came with him, and then chastised you if you couldn't keep up or ended early? What have you done to show interest in the things he loves, instead of remaking him in your image?

Uh, you're nuts. Yes, I'm mentally ill because I like hanging out with my husband.

Sorry if I didn't address the 'go separately' thing. I do - a lot. But I also like being with my husband, and I wish it didn't have to be either/or. Sometimes I want to be out and he wants to be in? Ok, we alternate. But that doesn't work - EVERY time it's a social thing it's an issue for him. Whereas I feel I do my part in rejecting invites more than I'd like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the big issue here isn't the frequency or the leaving early, but the fact that he is turning this into some sort of fight/power struggle every time. I would talk about THAT. Not how often, but the fact that he is so negative about every single social occasion means that he is punishing you for wanting to socialize. What if you complained and griped and made him feel like a jerk every time he went for a run? It would suck the pleasure out of it and that's not fair.

Once you explain that his attitude is the problem, then you can find a compromise--e.g., he will go to three social events with you per month, staying at least 3 hours each time with a cheerful and positive attitude and in return you won't even ask him to attend any other events. He is 100% off the hook except for those 3 things. Everything else you will send apologies or go solo.

+1
This is great advice

An OPs part of the compromise??? Does how many events does she stay home with him for? Sounds like he is doing all the compromising in your suggesting. Plus the way you outlined it you are treating this grown man like her child. Bottom line. if he doesn't want to go he doesn't have to. Its his body.... his choice.

This is OP - not sure why you sound so angry. I don't deny it's his choice. But I do compromise and sacrifice, a lot. Friday game night? Automatic no. Stay an extra night at the wedding to chill/hike/have dinner with family? Nope. Lie on texts from neighbors about why we're not out on the cul de sac? Yup, done it. It's not fun, I promise.

Not pp but why do you feel the need to lie to your neighbors? Why wouldn't you say 'no thanks, not tonight' or 'sorry-it's family time tonight' ? You seem to be the one with the serious problem in that you feel the need to constantly please everyone EXCEPT your husband. This is really unhealthy. I think you are the one with signs of mental illness. You feel the need to make your husband suffer so that your neighbors will like you better? That is creepy. Your husband as compromised by attending these events, and you have compromised by leaving them early. You can always go without him. You sound selfish and spoiled and completely out of touch with your partner. Do you go running with your husband every time he runs ? Imagine if he demanded you came with him, and then chastised you if you couldn't keep up or ended early? What have you done to show interest in the things he loves, instead of remaking him in your image?

Remaking him into her image? What are you reading?

[Anonymous]

OP ignore the people jumping all over you. You are being perfectly reasonable. Most of us get what you are saying, and there's been some good advice given in the thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks for all the great advice - I truly appreciate it. Just to clarify a few things - a lot of these occasions wouldn't really be characterized as 'going out,' really. Just a casual dinner with the kids running around and the adults having a few beers, etc.

I have no issue at all going solo and I do that a lot but for whatever reason, it's usually couples at these things. And I LIKE hanging out with him and having him there. Also, the kids are little and wild and it's always helpful to have an extra set of hands with them - sure, I can leave one of them home, but that's not really fair to them. He's now getting "known" as the one who's not usually there, leaves early, etc. I don't like people thinking he's unfriendly or doesn't like them, but I realize that's not his issue to own. I wish people could know the him that I know, if that makes sense.

I really like the idea of saying the number - hey, if we do these three things over the next month, I won't ask about anything else. I'm also hoping as the kids get older and he has more time to himself hopefully, it may improve.

OP, that IS going out! If your husband is a quiet type who prefers to be on his own, it doesn't matter what the setting is -- what matters is that he burns up a lot of energy to socialize with other people.

Several PPs have suggested that you do your social thing and let him do his. You really haven't responded to that. You two are not joined at the hip. Why do these types of invitations become a problem? Just tell him you're going and he can come if he'd like, or not. Why do you need him to come? Just go on your own, ffs.

Sounds like a good question for OP's husband, since he seems to get an attitude the moment an invitation is issued!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the big issue here isn't the frequency or the leaving early, but the fact that he is turning this into some sort of fight/power struggle every time. I would talk about THAT. Not how often, but the fact that he is so negative about every single social occasion means that he is punishing you for wanting to socialize. What if you complained and griped and made him feel like a jerk every time he went for a run? It would suck the pleasure out of it and that's not fair.

Once you explain that his attitude is the problem, then you can find a compromise--e.g., he will go to three social events with you per month, staying at least 3 hours each time with a cheerful and positive attitude and in return you won't even ask him to attend any other events. He is 100% off the hook except for those 3 things. Everything else you will send apologies or go solo.

+1
This is great advice

An OPs part of the compromise??? Does how many events does she stay home with him for? Sounds like he is doing all the compromising in your suggesting. Plus the way you outlined it you are treating this grown man like her child. Bottom line. if he doesn't want to go he doesn't have to. Its his body.... his choice.

This is OP - not sure why you sound so angry. I don't deny it's his choice. But I do compromise and sacrifice, a lot. Friday game night? Automatic no. Stay an extra night at the wedding to chill/hike/have dinner with family? Nope. Lie on texts from neighbors about why we're not out on the cul de sac? Yup, done it. It's not fun, I promise.

Not pp but why do you feel the need to lie to your neighbors? Why wouldn't you say 'no thanks, not tonight' or 'sorry-it's family time tonight' ? You seem to be the one with the serious problem in that you feel the need to constantly please everyone EXCEPT your husband. This is really unhealthy. I think you are the one with signs of mental illness. You feel the need to make your husband suffer so that your neighbors will like you better? That is creepy. Your husband as compromised by attending these events, and you have compromised by leaving them early. You can always go without him. You sound selfish and spoiled and completely out of touch with your partner. Do you go running with your husband every time he runs ? Imagine if he demanded you came with him, and then chastised you if you couldn't keep up or ended early? What have you done to show interest in the things he loves, instead of remaking him in your image?

PP is a little harsh, but there is a kernel of insight here.

I've seen cases where the DW is a bit overly eager to please others and keep up appearances, socially. I certainly understand not wanting to be a hermit, but always be mindful not to over commit. Most sensible people understand that full-time jobs + young children means very little free time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't call your husband anti social. He prefers to be alone and do his own thing. There is nothing wrong with that.

And bristles at the thought of spending time with others. This, including what you wrote, is the very definition of anti-social.

[Anonymous]

I am in introvert like your DH though I might have more severe issues. If you gave me a number and lectured me to have a good attitude I would divorce you. I would ask you to have some effing understanding that if people are being overbearing I can't have "a good attitude" I have deep anxieties and I am fundamentally, to the core, scared and uncomfortable. Your fun hanging out with friends in a driveway takes me days to build up courage to confront.

I do socialize for my DH's sake but it is very hard and I go to events I think I can handle. If I had a quota the stress of that would be too much.