DH's anti-social nature causing resentment

[Anonymous]

Everyone has been piling on OP. I'm not so sympathetic to her husband. Both DH and I are introverts but we want to be included in these kinds of events because we want to have a sense of community for us and for our kids. I think that's so overlooked in our busy work-focused society these days. We don't accept every invitation - neither of us like going to big open house type parties where we know few others on the guest list for example (although we DO sometimes go to those events anyway to be polite, kind, etc...even if we just stay for an hour). Read Bowling Alone by Robert Putnam.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am very sympathetic to you because I'm in the same situation with my DH. I know you are not going to want to hear this but the solution really is for you to make no invitations mandatory. You give up control, and some time you'd spend with DH, and also the bonding you think might occur between your DH and your friends'/neighbors' DHs, but I am here to tell you that it is better in the long run.

One of my worries when I stopped beating my head against a wall and stopped trying to get DH to like the type and amount of socialization that I liked is that our marriage would suffer. What happened is that my DH got personally happier and the lack of compatibility between us was revealed, but not made worse. It was worse for me to have a bored, unsocial DH hanging around me like an albatross, just waiting for me to give the signal to leave.

Very occasionally, he says he wishes I stayed home more, and this is where I'm honest with him. I don't find that sitting next to him in the family room while he simultaneously channel surfs the TV and on his iPad enhances our bond whatsoever. Even having a meaningful conversation with me tires him out. I don't feel connected to someone just being in the same room - idk, maybe that's a common introvert thing. I told him that five or even 6 nights a week, I do that and I am not willing to stay home 7 nights a week. I now prefer him staying home because I know he'll be happier, and I can stay out as late as I want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the big issue here isn't the frequency or the leaving early, but the fact that he is turning this into some sort of fight/power struggle every time. I would talk about THAT. Not how often, but the fact that he is so negative about every single social occasion means that he is punishing you for wanting to socialize. What if you complained and griped and made him feel like a jerk every time he went for a run? It would suck the pleasure out of it and that's not fair.

Once you explain that his attitude is the problem, then you can find a compromise--e.g., he will go to three social events with you per month, staying at least 3 hours each time with a cheerful and positive attitude and in return you won't even ask him to attend any other events. He is 100% off the hook except for those 3 things. Everything else you will send apologies or go solo.

+1
This is great advice

An OPs part of the compromise??? Does how many events does she stay home with him for? Sounds like he is doing all the compromising in your suggesting. Plus the way you outlined it you are treating this grown man like her child. Bottom line. if he doesn't want to go he doesn't have to. Its his body.... his choice.

This is OP - not sure why you sound so angry. I don't deny it's his choice. But I do compromise and sacrifice, a lot. Friday game night? Automatic no. Stay an extra night at the wedding to chill/hike/have dinner with family? Nope. Lie on texts from neighbors about why we're not out on the cul de sac? Yup, done it. It's not fun, I promise.

Not pp but why do you feel the need to lie to your neighbors? Why wouldn't you say 'no thanks, not tonight' or 'sorry-it's family time tonight' ? You seem to be the one with the serious problem in that you feel the need to constantly please everyone EXCEPT your husband. This is really unhealthy. I think you are the one with signs of mental illness. You feel the need to make your husband suffer so that your neighbors will like you better? That is creepy. Your husband as compromised by attending these events, and you have compromised by leaving them early. You can always go without him. You sound selfish and spoiled and completely out of touch with your partner. Do you go running with your husband every time he runs ? Imagine if he demanded you came with him, and then chastised you if you couldn't keep up or ended early? What have you done to show interest in the things he loves, instead of remaking him in your image?

In OP's defense, we're talking about shooting the sh*t with the neighbors, not committing to a dual family vacation in Fiji. Additionally, if OP's answer is always "sorry, not tonight," guess who is going to stop getting invites? OP. So that stinks for her. In my opinion, husband should sack up and have a cola with the Johnsons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know, honestly, I kind of lose patience with the "He's an introvert! It's so hard for him! He needs his space!"

He's an adult. Part of being a married adult with children living in a community is participating in that community. Part of being an adult is doing things that you don't want to do in order to participate in that community and with your family.

I am married to an introvert too, and there are times when I find his attitude toward social interaction to be very condescending. Sometimes it seems like he prefers to hang out alone because nobody could possibly be as interesting as he is and the social interaction is so very pedestrian and he just has better, more lofty things he'd like to be doing. Like DD and I are shallow for wanting him to come to dinner with us and our family friends - people who he professes to like!

It's not trying to remake him in my image. It's participating in family life, where that family life includes spending time together with other families. So yes, OP's husband needs to suck it up a bit. So do some of the other PPs for whom it's sooooo difficult to spend 3 hours at a BBQ or whatever. These are the things that we do for the people that we love, and part of being an adult is recognizing that and not being a jerk about it.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am very sympathetic to you because I'm in the same situation with my DH. I know you are not going to want to hear this but the solution really is for you to make no invitations mandatory. You give up control, and some time you'd spend with DH, and also the bonding you think might occur between your DH and your friends'/neighbors' DHs, but I am here to tell you that it is better in the long run.

One of my worries when I stopped beating my head against a wall and stopped trying to get DH to like the type and amount of socialization that I liked is that our marriage would suffer. What happened is that my DH got personally happier and the lack of compatibility between us was revealed, but not made worse. It was worse for me to have a bored, unsocial DH hanging around me like an albatross, just waiting for me to give the signal to leave.

Very occasionally, he says he wishes I stayed home more, and this is where I'm honest with him. I don't find that sitting next to him in the family room while he simultaneously channel surfs the TV and on his iPad enhances our bond whatsoever. Even having a meaningful conversation with me tires him out. I don't feel connected to someone just being in the same room - idk, maybe that's a common introvert thing. I told him that five or even 6 nights a week, I do that and I am not willing to stay home 7 nights a week. I now prefer him staying home because I know he'll be happier, and I can stay out as late as I want.

I posted at the bottom of page 5 about being frustrated with the "introvert" stuff. The bolded is exactly what I am frustrated by. My DH thinks that that is "spending time together" and I just do not agree with him at all. He's not even looking at me. He's doing other stuff. He's even interacting with other people - on FB, or somewhere else in the internet - but not with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am very sympathetic to you because I'm in the same situation with my DH. I know you are not going to want to hear this but the solution really is for you to make no invitations mandatory. You give up control, and some time you'd spend with DH, and also the bonding you think might occur between your DH and your friends'/neighbors' DHs, but I am here to tell you that it is better in the long run.

One of my worries when I stopped beating my head against a wall and stopped trying to get DH to like the type and amount of socialization that I liked is that our marriage would suffer. What happened is that my DH got personally happier and the lack of compatibility between us was revealed, but not made worse. It was worse for me to have a bored, unsocial DH hanging around me like an albatross, just waiting for me to give the signal to leave.

Very occasionally, he says he wishes I stayed home more, and this is where I'm honest with him. I don't find that sitting next to him in the family room while he simultaneously channel surfs the TV and on his iPad enhances our bond whatsoever. Even having a meaningful conversation with me tires him out. I don't feel connected to someone just being in the same room - idk, maybe that's a common introvert thing. I told him that five or even 6 nights a week, I do that and I am not willing to stay home 7 nights a week. I now prefer him staying home because I know he'll be happier, and I can stay out as late as I want.

I posted at the bottom of page 5 about being frustrated with the "introvert" stuff. The bolded is exactly what I am frustrated by. My DH thinks that that is "spending time together" and I just do not agree with him at all. He's not even looking at me. He's doing other stuff. He's even interacting with other people - on FB, or somewhere else in the internet - but not with me.

Introverts chime in here - is this really bonding to you, or just gives a feeling of security? In my case, I am fighting an uphill battle because my in laws like the same amount of socialization - once or twice a month- and don't like to be apart. They do find it bonding and comforting after 55 years to just putz around the house together. It's a classic incompatibility that I have in my marriage. I feel simply ignored.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am very sympathetic to you because I'm in the same situation with my DH. I know you are not going to want to hear this but the solution really is for you to make no invitations mandatory. You give up control, and some time you'd spend with DH, and also the bonding you think might occur between your DH and your friends'/neighbors' DHs, but I am here to tell you that it is better in the long run.

One of my worries when I stopped beating my head against a wall and stopped trying to get DH to like the type and amount of socialization that I liked is that our marriage would suffer. What happened is that my DH got personally happier and the lack of compatibility between us was revealed, but not made worse. It was worse for me to have a bored, unsocial DH hanging around me like an albatross, just waiting for me to give the signal to leave.

Very occasionally, he says he wishes I stayed home more, and this is where I'm honest with him. I don't find that sitting next to him in the family room while he simultaneously channel surfs the TV and on his iPad enhances our bond whatsoever. Even having a meaningful conversation with me tires him out. I don't feel connected to someone just being in the same room - idk, maybe that's a common introvert thing. I told him that five or even 6 nights a week, I do that and I am not willing to stay home 7 nights a week. I now prefer him staying home because I know he'll be happier, and I can stay out as late as I want.

I posted at the bottom of page 5 about being frustrated with the "introvert" stuff. The bolded is exactly what I am frustrated by. My DH thinks that that is "spending time together" and I just do not agree with him at all. He's not even looking at me. He's doing other stuff. He's even interacting with other people - on FB, or somewhere else in the internet - but not with me.

Introverts chime in here - is this really bonding to you, or just gives a feeling of security? In my case, I am fighting an uphill battle because my in laws like the same amount of socialization - once or twice a month- and don't like to be apart. They do find it bonding and comforting after 55 years to just putz around the house together. It's a classic incompatibility that I have in my marriage. I feel simply ignored.

I don't really understand your post.

Are you saying that you feel ignored because you are married to someone who considers "putzing around the house together" to be bonding, while you would prefer another kind of bonding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am very sympathetic to you because I'm in the same situation with my DH. I know you are not going to want to hear this but the solution really is for you to make no invitations mandatory. You give up control, and some time you'd spend with DH, and also the bonding you think might occur between your DH and your friends'/neighbors' DHs, but I am here to tell you that it is better in the long run.

One of my worries when I stopped beating my head against a wall and stopped trying to get DH to like the type and amount of socialization that I liked is that our marriage would suffer. What happened is that my DH got personally happier and the lack of compatibility between us was revealed, but not made worse. It was worse for me to have a bored, unsocial DH hanging around me like an albatross, just waiting for me to give the signal to leave.

Very occasionally, he says he wishes I stayed home more, and this is where I'm honest with him. I don't find that sitting next to him in the family room while he simultaneously channel surfs the TV and on his iPad enhances our bond whatsoever. Even having a meaningful conversation with me tires him out. I don't feel connected to someone just being in the same room - idk, maybe that's a common introvert thing. I told him that five or even 6 nights a week, I do that and I am not willing to stay home 7 nights a week. I now prefer him staying home because I know he'll be happier, and I can stay out as late as I want.

I posted at the bottom of page 5 about being frustrated with the "introvert" stuff. The bolded is exactly what I am frustrated by. My DH thinks that that is "spending time together" and I just do not agree with him at all. He's not even looking at me. He's doing other stuff. He's even interacting with other people - on FB, or somewhere else in the internet - but not with me.

Introverts chime in here - is this really bonding to you, or just gives a feeling of security? In my case, I am fighting an uphill battle because my in laws like the same amount of socialization - once or twice a month- and don't like to be apart. They do find it bonding and comforting after 55 years to just putz around the house together. It's a classic incompatibility that I have in my marriage. I feel simply ignored.

I don't really understand your post.

Are you saying that you feel ignored because you are married to someone who considers "putzing around the house together" to be bonding, while you would prefer another kind of bonding?

I feel ignored when he watches TV (with headphones on!) while surfing his iPad. If I forget he has headphones on and talk to him, he makes a show of effort by pausing his iPad and the TV, taking off the headphones, and saying,"Were you talking to me?" Forget it, just forget it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am very sympathetic to you because I'm in the same situation with my DH. I know you are not going to want to hear this but the solution really is for you to make no invitations mandatory. You give up control, and some time you'd spend with DH, and also the bonding you think might occur between your DH and your friends'/neighbors' DHs, but I am here to tell you that it is better in the long run.

One of my worries when I stopped beating my head against a wall and stopped trying to get DH to like the type and amount of socialization that I liked is that our marriage would suffer. What happened is that my DH got personally happier and the lack of compatibility between us was revealed, but not made worse. It was worse for me to have a bored, unsocial DH hanging around me like an albatross, just waiting for me to give the signal to leave.

Very occasionally, he says he wishes I stayed home more, and this is where I'm honest with him. I don't find that sitting next to him in the family room while he simultaneously channel surfs the TV and on his iPad enhances our bond whatsoever. Even having a meaningful conversation with me tires him out. I don't feel connected to someone just being in the same room - idk, maybe that's a common introvert thing. I told him that five or even 6 nights a week, I do that and I am not willing to stay home 7 nights a week. I now prefer him staying home because I know he'll be happier, and I can stay out as late as I want.

I posted at the bottom of page 5 about being frustrated with the "introvert" stuff. The bolded is exactly what I am frustrated by. My DH thinks that that is "spending time together" and I just do not agree with him at all. He's not even looking at me. He's doing other stuff. He's even interacting with other people - on FB, or somewhere else in the internet - but not with me.

Introverts chime in here - is this really bonding to you, or just gives a feeling of security? In my case, I am fighting an uphill battle because my in laws like the same amount of socialization - once or twice a month- and don't like to be apart. They do find it bonding and comforting after 55 years to just putz around the house together. It's a classic incompatibility that I have in my marriage. I feel simply ignored.

I don't really understand your post.

Are you saying that you feel ignored because you are married to someone who considers "putzing around the house together" to be bonding, while you would prefer another kind of bonding?

Two different ideas here: being in the same room with me while not interacting in any way is not bonding, and I feel ignored when he actively shuts out external stimulation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am very sympathetic to you because I'm in the same situation with my DH. I know you are not going to want to hear this but the solution really is for you to make no invitations mandatory. You give up control, and some time you'd spend with DH, and also the bonding you think might occur between your DH and your friends'/neighbors' DHs, but I am here to tell you that it is better in the long run.

One of my worries when I stopped beating my head against a wall and stopped trying to get DH to like the type and amount of socialization that I liked is that our marriage would suffer. What happened is that my DH got personally happier and the lack of compatibility between us was revealed, but not made worse. It was worse for me to have a bored, unsocial DH hanging around me like an albatross, just waiting for me to give the signal to leave.

Very occasionally, he says he wishes I stayed home more, and this is where I'm honest with him. I don't find that sitting next to him in the family room while he simultaneously channel surfs the TV and on his iPad enhances our bond whatsoever. Even having a meaningful conversation with me tires him out. I don't feel connected to someone just being in the same room - idk, maybe that's a common introvert thing. I told him that five or even 6 nights a week, I do that and I am not willing to stay home 7 nights a week. I now prefer him staying home because I know he'll be happier, and I can stay out as late as I want.

I posted at the bottom of page 5 about being frustrated with the "introvert" stuff. The bolded is exactly what I am frustrated by. My DH thinks that that is "spending time together" and I just do not agree with him at all. He's not even looking at me. He's doing other stuff. He's even interacting with other people - on FB, or somewhere else in the internet - but not with me.

Introverts chime in here - is this really bonding to you, or just gives a feeling of security? In my case, I am fighting an uphill battle because my in laws like the same amount of socialization - once or twice a month- and don't like to be apart. They do find it bonding and comforting after 55 years to just putz around the house together. It's a classic incompatibility that I have in my marriage. I feel simply ignored.

I don't really understand your post.

Are you saying that you feel ignored because you are married to someone who considers "putzing around the house together" to be bonding, while you would prefer another kind of bonding?

I feel ignored when he watches TV (with headphones on!) while surfing his iPad. If I forget he has headphones on and talk to him, he makes a show of effort by pausing his iPad and the TV, taking off the headphones, and saying,"Were you talking to me?" Forget it, just forget it.

PP here. Completely agree with this. At some point "being an introvert" is used to justify "being a jerk" or "not wanting to spend time with you."

[Anonymous]

Op this may or may not work for you. My cousin, an extrovert married an introvert. A nice guy but doesn't like going out. I'm an extrovert myself so introverts and ant-socials don't work for me. Anyway every time before my cousin goes out to events or parties or with friends, she would invite him to come along. His response was always no. She stopped inviting him. You know what she did, she would dress really sexy, walk right by him and tell him I'll see when I get back home later at night. She did that a few times, he became worried she will find someone else and started accepting to go out with her. So keep going out and have a blast. Life is too short to wait on others. He can chose to join you or not but you should go out anyway and look great and have fun!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op this may or may not work for you. My cousin, an extrovert married an introvert. A nice guy but doesn't like going out. I'm an extrovert myself so introverts and ant-socials don't work for me. Anyway every time before my cousin goes out to events or parties or with friends, she would invite him to come along. His response was always no. She stopped inviting him. You know what she did, she would dress really sexy, walk right by him and tell him I'll see when I get back home later at night. She did that a few times, he became worried she will find someone else and started accepting to go out with her. So keep going out and have a blast. Life is too short to wait on others. He can chose to join you or not but you should go out anyway and look great and have fun!

+1

[Anonymous]

Great discussion here, thanks OP for posting. I am a few years ahead of you, now married 35 years. DH gave up years ago going anywhere with me! At first I was disturbed, then I viewed it as an opportunity. We had no kids however. I go to concerts, conferences, travel to Europe many times, and do all this by myself. I even have gone to HIS family weddings by myself and he stays home. Somehow this has worked for us. Another poster said about her husband meeting someone at work. That happened unfortunately, my husband started to do things at lunch with another woman. After I found out and it stopped, we seem to be back to normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Great discussion here, thanks OP for posting. I am a few years ahead of you, now married 35 years. DH gave up years ago going anywhere with me! At first I was disturbed, then I viewed it as an opportunity. We had no kids however. I go to concerts, conferences, travel to Europe many times, and do all this by myself. I even have gone to HIS family weddings by myself and he stays home. Somehow this has worked for us. Another poster said about her husband meeting someone at work. That happened unfortunately, my husband started to do things at lunch with another woman. After I found out and it stopped, we seem to be back to normal.

How did he reconcile his social activities with another woman with his refusal to go anywhere with you? Sounds like a marital issue, not an introvert/extrovert issue.

[Anonymous]

My husband is extremely introverted and does suffer from some social anxiety. For example, it takes extra effort on his part to make eye contact and to carry on a social conversation. He's a trooper, so he does do it when I need him to but I know it's hard for him so I don't ask him to do it often. I really don't think he would ever enjoy having to do this weekly. Maybe you could reconsider which social events are truly important for him to be there, and give him a free pass on some of the others. I know you said you are starting to resent him, but consider that he may already be resenting you too for all the pressure you are placing on him to socialize. It sounds to me like he is feeling very irritated at having to be at these events, and he may need a break. It may also help for him to seek some therapy so that he can better understand himself and his limits and communicate them to you in a better way.