DH's anti-social nature causing resentment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I feel I'm constantly making excuses for him, defending him, and then bickering with him about why he's being this way. Im trying to be understanding and we already do a lot less than most couples in these groups - I don't feel like I'm pushing for a crazy amount of social interaction here. Any advice would be appreciated.

My DH needs a lot more down time than he used to. Life is different in many ways than it used to be. Kids and work take a lot of energy and I don't begrudge him that he wants to focus the energy he has on what is important to him. I often go alone/with the kids. I don't make excuses or defend or bicker with him though. "He couldn't make it" and that's it. People still like him and us. So my advice would be to ask him what is comfortable for him (I do think 1/week to socialize is a lot if you have a full time job, kids, and don't actually want to be there). Stick to that schedule and leave him be. Why does HE need to be in the driveway, is what I'm asking.

That's fine if you can manage to stay loyal by not gossiping about him behind his back but I get the distinct impression that the OP is the type to want her friends to approve of her more than her husband and so she would bad mouth him for not being there.

Where in the world did you get that impression? It sounded to me like the OP wants to hang out with friends occasionally as a family and her husband does not ever want to do that and starts drama most times she plans anything.

OP, is there a reason that you need him to go along on every social event? I am also married to a man who would strongly prefer to just stay home. There are a number of things that we do together that he enjoys, but if left to his own devices, he would probably choose to stay home, read, mess around with his computer, play guitar, etc. I have a lot more social stuff going on - friends, their kids, PTA, etc. - and I just don't require him to come to stuff. I tell him when it is (as in "Larla and I are going to the PTA restaurant night this week. It's Tuesday at X Restaurant at 5:30, if you'd like to come. If not, we'll see you when we get home!) and then do not give him any crap about not coming. As a result, we have gotten to a point where I am comfortable flying solo on stuff and he comes along when he wants to and there is no drama about it.

[Anonymous]

OP again - one more thing to add. I think what spurred this was a recent invite - for a Friday night casual game night - and instead of thinking "cool, this should be fun!" I instead thought "great, here comes another dramatic sigh from him and me feeling like I'm asking the world." It's just hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I feel I'm constantly making excuses for him, defending him, and then bickering with him about why he's being this way. Im trying to be understanding and we already do a lot less than most couples in these groups - I don't feel like I'm pushing for a crazy amount of social interaction here. Any advice would be appreciated.

My DH needs a lot more down time than he used to. Life is different in many ways than it used to be. Kids and work take a lot of energy and I don't begrudge him that he wants to focus the energy he has on what is important to him. I often go alone/with the kids. I don't make excuses or defend or bicker with him though. "He couldn't make it" and that's it. People still like him and us. So my advice would be to ask him what is comfortable for him (I do think 1/week to socialize is a lot if you have a full time job, kids, and don't actually want to be there). Stick to that schedule and leave him be. Why does HE need to be in the driveway, is what I'm asking.

That's fine if you can manage to stay loyal by not gossiping about him behind his back but I get the distinct impression that the OP is the type to want her friends to approve of her more than her husband and so she would bad mouth him for not being there.

Um, what thread are you reading?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I feel I'm constantly making excuses for him, defending him, and then bickering with him about why he's being this way. Im trying to be understanding and we already do a lot less than most couples in these groups - I don't feel like I'm pushing for a crazy amount of social interaction here. Any advice would be appreciated.

My DH needs a lot more down time than he used to. Life is different in many ways than it used to be. Kids and work take a lot of energy and I don't begrudge him that he wants to focus the energy he has on what is important to him. I often go alone/with the kids. I don't make excuses or defend or bicker with him though. "He couldn't make it" and that's it. People still like him and us. So my advice would be to ask him what is comfortable for him (I do think 1/week to socialize is a lot if you have a full time job, kids, and don't actually want to be there). Stick to that schedule and leave him be. Why does HE need to be in the driveway, is what I'm asking.

That's fine if you can manage to stay loyal by not gossiping about him behind his back but I get the distinct impression that the OP is the type to want her friends to approve of her more than her husband and so she would bad mouth him for not being there.

Where in the world did you get that impression? It sounded to me like the OP wants to hang out with friends occasionally as a family and her husband does not ever want to do that and starts drama most times she plans anything.

OP, is there a reason that you need him to go along on every social event? I am also married to a man who would strongly prefer to just stay home. There are a number of things that we do together that he enjoys, but if left to his own devices, he would probably choose to stay home, read, mess around with his computer, play guitar, etc. I have a lot more social stuff going on - friends, their kids, PTA, etc. - and I just don't require him to come to stuff. I tell him when it is (as in "Larla and I are going to the PTA restaurant night this week. It's Tuesday at X Restaurant at 5:30, if you'd like to come. If not, we'll see you when we get home!) and then do not give him any crap about not coming. As a result, we have gotten to a point where I am comfortable flying solo on stuff and he comes along when he wants to and there is no drama about it.

Oh I definitely don't always need him to go! Sorry if that wasn't clear. I do stuff with just the girls etc all the time. What I'm referring to are family or couple things where everyone seems to be there as a group - I'd never ask him to come along if it weren't a 'guys too' sort of thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the big issue here isn't the frequency or the leaving early, but the fact that he is turning this into some sort of fight/power struggle every time. I would talk about THAT. Not how often, but the fact that he is so negative about every single social occasion means that he is punishing you for wanting to socialize. What if you complained and griped and made him feel like a jerk every time he went for a run? It would suck the pleasure out of it and that's not fair.

Once you explain that his attitude is the problem, then you can find a compromise--e.g., he will go to three social events with you per month, staying at least 3 hours each time with a cheerful and positive attitude and in return you won't even ask him to attend any other events. He is 100% off the hook except for those 3 things. Everything else you will send apologies or go solo.

OP here - this hits the nail on the head and I appreciate it. Precisely why I started the thread!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I feel I'm constantly making excuses for him, defending him, and then bickering with him about why he's being this way. Im trying to be understanding and we already do a lot less than most couples in these groups - I don't feel like I'm pushing for a crazy amount of social interaction here. Any advice would be appreciated.

My DH needs a lot more down time than he used to. Life is different in many ways than it used to be. Kids and work take a lot of energy and I don't begrudge him that he wants to focus the energy he has on what is important to him. I often go alone/with the kids. I don't make excuses or defend or bicker with him though. "He couldn't make it" and that's it. People still like him and us. So my advice would be to ask him what is comfortable for him (I do think 1/week to socialize is a lot if you have a full time job, kids, and don't actually want to be there). Stick to that schedule and leave him be. Why does HE need to be in the driveway, is what I'm asking.

That's fine if you can manage to stay loyal by not gossiping about him behind his back but I get the distinct impression that the OP is the type to want her friends to approve of her more than her husband and so she would bad mouth him for not being there.

Where in the world did you get that impression? It sounded to me like the OP wants to hang out with friends occasionally as a family and her husband does not ever want to do that and starts drama most times she plans anything.

OP, is there a reason that you need him to go along on every social event? I am also married to a man who would strongly prefer to just stay home. There are a number of things that we do together that he enjoys, but if left to his own devices, he would probably choose to stay home, read, mess around with his computer, play guitar, etc. I have a lot more social stuff going on - friends, their kids, PTA, etc. - and I just don't require him to come to stuff. I tell him when it is (as in "Larla and I are going to the PTA restaurant night this week. It's Tuesday at X Restaurant at 5:30, if you'd like to come. If not, we'll see you when we get home!) and then do not give him any crap about not coming. As a result, we have gotten to a point where I am comfortable flying solo on stuff and he comes along when he wants to and there is no drama about it.

Oh I definitely don't always need him to go! Sorry if that wasn't clear. I do stuff with just the girls etc all the time. What I'm referring to are family or couple things where everyone seems to be there as a group - I'd never ask him to come along if it weren't a 'guys too' sort of thing.

What do you think would happen if you went with your kids alone to one of these events and if someone asked where he was, you just said, "Oh, Dave wasn't feeling well so he decided to stay home and catch up on rest/Dave needed to finish X project and hoped he'd be finished in time to join us later/etc."?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I feel I'm constantly making excuses for him, defending him, and then bickering with him about why he's being this way. Im trying to be understanding and we already do a lot less than most couples in these groups - I don't feel like I'm pushing for a crazy amount of social interaction here. Any advice would be appreciated.

My DH needs a lot more down time than he used to. Life is different in many ways than it used to be. Kids and work take a lot of energy and I don't begrudge him that he wants to focus the energy he has on what is important to him. I often go alone/with the kids. I don't make excuses or defend or bicker with him though. "He couldn't make it" and that's it. People still like him and us. So my advice would be to ask him what is comfortable for him (I do think 1/week to socialize is a lot if you have a full time job, kids, and don't actually want to be there). Stick to that schedule and leave him be. Why does HE need to be in the driveway, is what I'm asking.

That's fine if you can manage to stay loyal by not gossiping about him behind his back but I get the distinct impression that the OP is the type to want her friends to approve of her more than her husband and so she would bad mouth him for not being there.

Where in the world did you get that impression? It sounded to me like the OP wants to hang out with friends occasionally as a family and her husband does not ever want to do that and starts drama most times she plans anything.

OP, is there a reason that you need him to go along on every social event? I am also married to a man who would strongly prefer to just stay home. There are a number of things that we do together that he enjoys, but if left to his own devices, he would probably choose to stay home, read, mess around with his computer, play guitar, etc. I have a lot more social stuff going on - friends, their kids, PTA, etc. - and I just don't require him to come to stuff. I tell him when it is (as in "Larla and I are going to the PTA restaurant night this week. It's Tuesday at X Restaurant at 5:30, if you'd like to come. If not, we'll see you when we get home!) and then do not give him any crap about not coming. As a result, we have gotten to a point where I am comfortable flying solo on stuff and he comes along when he wants to and there is no drama about it.

Oh I definitely don't always need him to go! Sorry if that wasn't clear. I do stuff with just the girls etc all the time. What I'm referring to are family or couple things where everyone seems to be there as a group - I'd never ask him to come along if it weren't a 'guys too' sort of thing.

What do you think would happen if you went with your kids alone to one of these events and if someone asked where he was, you just said, "Oh, Dave wasn't feeling well so he decided to stay home and catch up on rest/Dave needed to finish X project and hoped he'd be finished in time to join us later/etc."?

Nothing would happen I just wish it weren't always the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I feel I'm constantly making excuses for him, defending him, and then bickering with him about why he's being this way. Im trying to be understanding and we already do a lot less than most couples in these groups - I don't feel like I'm pushing for a crazy amount of social interaction here. Any advice would be appreciated.

My DH needs a lot more down time than he used to. Life is different in many ways than it used to be. Kids and work take a lot of energy and I don't begrudge him that he wants to focus the energy he has on what is important to him. I often go alone/with the kids. I don't make excuses or defend or bicker with him though. "He couldn't make it" and that's it. People still like him and us. So my advice would be to ask him what is comfortable for him (I do think 1/week to socialize is a lot if you have a full time job, kids, and don't actually want to be there). Stick to that schedule and leave him be. Why does HE need to be in the driveway, is what I'm asking.

That's fine if you can manage to stay loyal by not gossiping about him behind his back but I get the distinct impression that the OP is the type to want her friends to approve of her more than her husband and so she would bad mouth him for not being there.

Where in the world did you get that impression? It sounded to me like the OP wants to hang out with friends occasionally as a family and her husband does not ever want to do that and starts drama most times she plans anything.

OP, is there a reason that you need him to go along on every social event? I am also married to a man who would strongly prefer to just stay home. There are a number of things that we do together that he enjoys, but if left to his own devices, he would probably choose to stay home, read, mess around with his computer, play guitar, etc. I have a lot more social stuff going on - friends, their kids, PTA, etc. - and I just don't require him to come to stuff. I tell him when it is (as in "Larla and I are going to the PTA restaurant night this week. It's Tuesday at X Restaurant at 5:30, if you'd like to come. If not, we'll see you when we get home!) and then do not give him any crap about not coming. As a result, we have gotten to a point where I am comfortable flying solo on stuff and he comes along when he wants to and there is no drama about it.

Oh I definitely don't always need him to go! Sorry if that wasn't clear. I do stuff with just the girls etc all the time. What I'm referring to are family or couple things where everyone seems to be there as a group - I'd never ask him to come along if it weren't a 'guys too' sort of thing.

What do you think would happen if you went with your kids alone to one of these events and if someone asked where he was, you just said, "Oh, Dave wasn't feeling well so he decided to stay home and catch up on rest/Dave needed to finish X project and hoped he'd be finished in time to join us later/etc."?

Nothing would happen I just wish it weren't always the case.

My husband actually became more likely to go to things like this once it became clear that his non-attendance wasn't going to spike the event for me. He was resentful that I was making my attendance at something contingent on his attendance. We have a deal that there are a couple of things that I would strongly prefer we do together as a family, and we have pretty strict guidelines for those things like, only once a month max and not for more than 3 hours.

[Anonymous]

I'm just like you in terms of being a social introvert, and your husband's behavior would bother me too. Maybe you two can broker an arrangement for a certain number of events per month? He'll do the neighborhood hangout once a week instead of every week?
And when it comes to trying to defend him to other people, don't. You can say that just how he is with a shrug.
I hope this improves OP!

[Anonymous]

Accept the things you cannot change, OP, and try to change the things you can. You should go on your own and leave him at home. Hopefully your couples friends are comfortable with that and you can learn to be comfortable with it. Your husband's introversion shouldn't ruin your social live but you will have to accept that it's your social life and not his.

And remind yourself regularly that your husband is not an extension of you. If he behaves badly, it's not you behaving badly and any of your friends who would blame you for his behavior are not worth having for friends.

Okay, that's my advice for you. But you do raise an interesting question as to whether these changes signal a mental health problem for him. That's a lot more complicated to deal with because you won't have success trying to nag him out of it. I'm not sure what you should do if anything at this point in time. Keep an eye on it and monitor it but don't try to fix him. It's not going to work and he's just going to push back.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the big issue here isn't the frequency or the leaving early, but the fact that he is turning this into some sort of fight/power struggle every time. I would talk about THAT. Not how often, but the fact that he is so negative about every single social occasion means that he is punishing you for wanting to socialize. What if you complained and griped and made him feel like a jerk every time he went for a run? It would suck the pleasure out of it and that's not fair.

Once you explain that his attitude is the problem, then you can find a compromise--e.g., he will go to three social events with you per month, staying at least 3 hours each time with a cheerful and positive attitude and in return you won't even ask him to attend any other events. He is 100% off the hook except for those 3 things. Everything else you will send apologies or go solo.

+1
This is great advice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have described my husband. If it's not socializing with his two or three closest friends, he doesn't really have fun. We've been married 20 years and I began doing things regularly on my own about 5 years ago. He's so happy that he doesn't have to do all these events, and frankly I'm so happy I don't have to worry about him being anxious or bored and wanting to leave early. The secret is to truly accept that he's happier at home, and for him to encourage you to be your social butterfly self.

This pp nailed it.

[Anonymous]

I would love to be married to your husband. It's a shame you cannot provide what he needs without making it sound like he is in the wrong for being who he is. Send him my way.

[Anonymous]

OP reminds me of my husband. And truthfully it's aggravating. He's the social one, I don't care to be.

It took years for him to understand I just plain don't want to go with him to every single function. I just don't.

So he goes alone. I'm happy.

[Anonymous]

Don't call your husband anti social. He prefers to be alone and do his own thing. There is nothing wrong with that.