Financial Infidelity - just caught DH hiding frivolous purchase

[Anonymous]

What if he did give the gift card to someone but the recipient insisted on a Trojan sword instead? Seems reasonable...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What if he did give the gift card to someone but the recipient insisted on a Trojan sword instead? Seems reasonable...

Unfortunately, no. From the email chain it was apparent the sword was for himself. He's been randomly talking about how he'd like to collect ancient items. I just can't believe the lengths he would go to, to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Or maybe he just saved his lunch money so as to escape the tyranny of your unbearably controlling behavior.

It's controlling to be surprised your husband stole money from work and bought a f'ng trojan sword? Um, okay.

Who said her husband stole money? That was just hypothetical spewing.

Well, considering the OP said there was nothing on any bank statement, it is possible.

Of course, he could have filled out a form at work, got it to accounts payable, had them pay the vendor for gift cards, and kept one for himself. That would be another way of stealing.

I am sure he gets cash out to spend. Just stash a bit away and there you go. But a gift card with the savings, off and running. After all, isn't this EXACTLY what the women on this board advise other women to do?

Football pool.

Side bet.

Whatever.

Leaping to theft and embezzlement on this basis is pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Or maybe he just saved his lunch money so as to escape the tyranny of your unbearably controlling behavior.

It's controlling to be surprised your husband stole money from work and bought a f'ng trojan sword? Um, okay.

Who said her husband stole money? That was just hypothetical spewing.

Well, considering the OP said there was nothing on any bank statement, it is possible.

Of course, he could have filled out a form at work, got it to accounts payable, had them pay the vendor for gift cards, and kept one for himself. That would be another way of stealing.

I am sure he gets cash out to spend. Just stash a bit away and there you go. But a gift card with the savings, off and running. After all, isn't this EXACTLY what the women on this board advise other women to do?

Football pool.

Side bet.

Whatever.

Leaping to theft and embezzlement on this basis is pathetic.

Okay, but rather than buy it, he had a coworker buy it in order to conceal it. Why hide if it was just innocent savings of mad money?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH has been on his phone. A lot. This is unusual. I decided to discreetly look at his phone this morning to see whether he's having an affair or what. What I found is that he recently purchased a $400 trojan sword. You can't make this up. It appears he tried to pay for it with a prepaid visa card, that was not accepted on this international transaction, so instead he gave the card to a coworker, who made the purchase from their credit card instead.
^He has obviously gone to great lengths to hide this transaction from me. I'm not sure what he's planning on saying when it arrives at our home.
So many questions here - where did he get the prepaid visa, why is he lying/hiding, how do I handle this? We do not have the money to spend hundreds of dollars on trojan swords, and in fact have tax debt we're working hard to pay off. WTF.

$400 = good escort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Okay, but rather than buy it, he had a coworker buy it in order to conceal it. Why hide if it was just innocent savings of mad money?

Maybe he has a financially controlling spouse. Maybe that spouse is fine with him having $5 or $10 to occasionally goof around with, but if he had accumulated $400, would want that to go to other household expenses or outstanding debt rather than something "frivolous."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Okay, but rather than buy it, he had a coworker buy it in order to conceal it. Why hide if it was just innocent savings of mad money?

Maybe he has a financially controlling spouse. Maybe that spouse is fine with him having $5 or $10 to occasionally goof around with, but if he had accumulated $400, would want that to go to other household expenses or outstanding debt rather than something "frivolous."

Wouldn't that be a fair request though? I mean, who thinks it's a good idea to buy a sword when you're in debt as OP stated? That's financially irresponsible, and if the wife didn't agree with that purchase, rightfully so.

[Anonymous]

Ok OP is this a habit? Because if he is this nervous about telling you about a one-time splurge on something for himself than you have bigger problems than him lying. There is also whatever it is you're doing that makes him do something like this in secret.

Its one thing if a spouse is racking up thousands on the cc without telling the other, its another to make one private splurgy purchase. One is financial infidelity, the other is human nature.

[Anonymous]

When you have bills to pay and you go behind your spouse's back to buy a want, you need to come clean.

A sword ? Really ?

MOO, when you cheat financially you will cheat in other ways too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok OP is this a habit? Because if he is this nervous about telling you about a one-time splurge on something for himself than you have bigger problems than him lying. There is also whatever it is you're doing that makes him do something like this in secret.

Its one thing if a spouse is racking up thousands on the cc without telling the other, its another to make one private splurgy purchase. One is financial infidelity, the other is human nature.

Sure, I know exactly why he didn't tell me. Because it's wrong. We are going without and our kids are going without in order to put as much money as we possibly can towards our debt. In no world would it be a sound idea to throw money away on something like that. We aren't eccentric billionaires, we're a struggling middle class family trying to get our feet back on the ground.

In doing this, he has prioritized his own bizarre wants over the whole family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Okay, but rather than buy it, he had a coworker buy it in order to conceal it. Why hide if it was just innocent savings of mad money?

Maybe he has a financially controlling spouse. Maybe that spouse is fine with him having $5 or $10 to occasionally goof around with, but if he had accumulated $400, would want that to go to other household expenses or outstanding debt rather than something "frivolous."

Wouldn't that be a fair request though? I mean, who thinks it's a good idea to buy a sword when you're in debt as OP stated? That's financially irresponsible, and if the wife didn't agree with that purchase, rightfully so.

He works full time, they are getting out of debt and for some reason this is really important to him. When was the last time he bought something he really wanted just for himself? AND it sounds like he hasn't even pulled from their collective finances, just squirreled away spot rewards until he had enough to buy it. I am a DW but the idea of my DH scrutinizing every purchase I make and criticizing me for it sounds awful and miserable. There is a middle ground between, 'acting insanely financially irresponsibly' and 'buying something kind of expensive one time that I really really want.'

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok OP is this a habit? Because if he is this nervous about telling you about a one-time splurge on something for himself than you have bigger problems than him lying. There is also whatever it is you're doing that makes him do something like this in secret.

Its one thing if a spouse is racking up thousands on the cc without telling the other, its another to make one private splurgy purchase. One is financial infidelity, the other is human nature.

Sure, I know exactly why he didn't tell me. Because it's wrong. We are going without and our kids are going without in order to put as much money as we possibly can towards our debt. In no world would it be a sound idea to throw money away on something like that. We aren't eccentric billionaires, we're a struggling middle class family trying to get our feet back on the ground.

In doing this, he has prioritized his own bizarre wants over the whole family.

Dude a $400 dollar random purchase isn't something 'eccentric billionaires' buy. That is cheaper than a smartphone/tablet/computer which plenty of middle class families own.

It sounds like you are insanely controlling. I'm not saying he should have bought it, but I think if you weren't so rigid maybe he would have come to you and explained it and saved up in a way you would have deemed appropriate for a few months. People can't live indefinitely in austerity. If you all are still paying off your debts then I think intelligently coming up with a way to buy something important to either of you is important to fit in. If you had saved money on the side that you had gotten in spot rewards or something and bought a nice purse would that be wrong?

The fact that it is a sword is a red herring. Every human has different things they would splurge on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok OP is this a habit? Because if he is this nervous about telling you about a one-time splurge on something for himself than you have bigger problems than him lying. There is also whatever it is you're doing that makes him do something like this in secret.

Its one thing if a spouse is racking up thousands on the cc without telling the other, its another to make one private splurgy purchase. One is financial infidelity, the other is human nature.

Sure, I know exactly why he didn't tell me. Because it's wrong. We are going without and our kids are going without in order to put as much money as we possibly can towards our debt. In no world would it be a sound idea to throw money away on something like that. We aren't eccentric billionaires, we're a struggling middle class family trying to get our feet back on the ground.

In doing this, he has prioritized his own bizarre wants over the whole family.

Dude a $400 dollar random purchase isn't something 'eccentric billionaires' buy. That is cheaper than a smartphone/tablet/computer which plenty of middle class families own.

It sounds like you are insanely controlling. I'm not saying he should have bought it, but I think if you weren't so rigid maybe he would have come to you and explained it and saved up in a way you would have deemed appropriate for a few months. People can't live indefinitely in austerity. If you all are still paying off your debts then I think intelligently coming up with a way to buy something important to either of you is important to fit in. If you had saved money on the side that you had gotten in spot rewards or something and bought a nice purse would that be wrong?

The fact that it is a sword is a red herring. Every human has different things they would splurge on.

+100

I wonder how many things OP has purchased recently that she considered a necessity and that DH would consider a splurge or unnecessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok OP is this a habit? Because if he is this nervous about telling you about a one-time splurge on something for himself than you have bigger problems than him lying. There is also whatever it is you're doing that makes him do something like this in secret.

Its one thing if a spouse is racking up thousands on the cc without telling the other, its another to make one private splurgy purchase. One is financial infidelity, the other is human nature.

Sure, I know exactly why he didn't tell me. Because it's wrong. We are going without and our kids are going without in order to put as much money as we possibly can towards our debt. In no world would it be a sound idea to throw money away on something like that. We aren't eccentric billionaires, we're a struggling middle class family trying to get our feet back on the ground.

In doing this, he has prioritized his own bizarre wants over the whole family.

Dude a $400 dollar random purchase isn't something 'eccentric billionaires' buy. That is cheaper than a smartphone/tablet/computer which plenty of middle class families own.

It sounds like you are insanely controlling. I'm not saying he should have bought it, but I think if you weren't so rigid maybe he would have come to you and explained it and saved up in a way you would have deemed appropriate for a few months. People can't live indefinitely in austerity. If you all are still paying off your debts then I think intelligently coming up with a way to buy something important to either of you is important to fit in. If you had saved money on the side that you had gotten in spot rewards or something and bought a nice purse would that be wrong?

The fact that it is a sword is a red herring. Every human has different things they would splurge on.

+100

I wonder how many things OP has purchased recently that she considered a necessity and that DH would consider a splurge or unnecessary.

I also want to know what the kids 'going without' really means. Does that mean they aren't getting the new American doll and are in public school instead of Georgetown Prep or does this mean you're eating ramen. Or, the likely reality, which is somewhere in the middle. To which I say that if your kids are fed, housed, clothed and educated decently, it IS ok for parents to occasionally prioritize themselves.

[Anonymous]

He works and earns money? I'm all about openness and honesty, but he gets to spend some of what he earns. The snooping and trying to catch him is over the top. He's an adult.