Why DON'T you set boundaries?

[Anonymous]

It must be nice to go through life thinking everything is simple and clear-cut.

It's not.

Usually people who have difficulty setting boundaries have interacted during their formative years with hyper-controlling, very strong-willed people who can manipulate and nag everybody until it's less exhausting to do what they want rather than fight.

Typically, everyone gets better at setting boundaries as they grow older and mature. Which means some door-mats learn to say no occasionally, and some strong-willed people get downright abusive, and cross boundaries more often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because they're family. They raised me and my husband and we're willing to tolerate a little drama. I see people complain on this board as if in-laws are just really persistent and annoying strangers, rather than the people who raised their husbands.

There's annoying and somewhat passive aggressive, and then there's manipulative, controlling, and abusive. Big differences. Be glad you have the first.

[Anonymous]

The fallout, +1.

It often drags everybody else into the fray, people get sick of feeling like they're being pulled in two directions, and then the boundary-setters start wishing they'd just kept their mouths shut because it's not worth it.

It's easy to say simply "let them make their choices. Who cares if they get mad?" But then, for example, your SIL, who you love, starts realizing that MIL won't come to her (SIL's) kid's birthday parties because you are going to be there. And it really hurts the kid's feelings that their grandma isn't at their party. So for the next party, SIL, who loves her mother and is also being guilted by her, has to decide whether to invite you or not, which forces SIL to play the stupid game too, even though she never wanted or felt the need to set boundaries with her mom. You might think to yourself, "oh well, MIL made her bed," but then next thing you know, you're the one being excluded. Not because people are taking sides, but because it's easier than excluding MIL. This is the definition of family drama, and nobody likes drama.

Of course, that's only some families. You might have more level-headed grandparents who won't start WWIII just because you asked them to please refrain from doing XYZ. If you have that sort of family, I can see how you'd wonder why more people don't set boundaries!

[Anonymous]

Your scenario, 23:46, sounds like a typical day with my in-laws, a large extended family. Everyone has to take sides, no boundaries are allowed, every gathering is complicated because there are 40 permutations of people who literally can't be in the room with each other because of imagined offenses. They're all in each others' intimate business, going through each others' things and reading each others' private (LOL) papers and badgering each other about every detail of their lives. A lot of this is cultural for them, but the family is also riddled with personality disorders and mental illness. Important detail: They consider this normal.

For years, we only had extremely limited dealings with them, and that seemed to be my husband's unconscious way of setting a kind of boundary--just be the black sheep who marries outside the culture and never takes part in family gatherings and follows no rules. I did not realize all those years that this made him feel terrible and hate himself. You can imagine the many ways that bled out into our lives.

Once we moved a bit closer, it all blew up, as he fell back into their web, and wanting to appease them and feel better about himself, he turned on me and started to view me and treat me as the vile outsider, which is part of what they all do as punishment for anyone who dares set boundaries or live their own lives. Shun, shame, negate.

It took years and much therapy before he started to see how destructive and miserable this all was, and how he hated himself as defined by them, and how horribly he'd been treating me. He's just beginning to learn to set boundaries, and it's very difficult for him. Everything he says and does, down to the tiniest thing, gets punished by them. It's been an epiphany for him to finally start to realize that if he sets a boundary and they don't like it, it's their problem.

And that's a glimpse into why people can have trouble setting boundaries in their family. It's just normal for them not to, and the fallout can be exhausting and nightmarish.

Those of us who grew up in families where boundaries are respected really have no idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
It must be nice to go through life thinking everything is simple and clear-cut.

It's not.

Usually people who have difficulty setting boundaries have interacted during their formative years with hyper-controlling, very strong-willed people who can manipulate and nag everybody until it's less exhausting to do what they want rather than fight.

Typically, everyone gets better at setting boundaries as they grow older and mature. Which means some door-mats learn to say no occasionally, and some strong-willed people get downright abusive, and cross boundaries more often.

This. I was a shy kid and loved my parents and they spent a lot of time with me when I had no friends growing up. It took me years after college and after I found my DH to set some boundaries because I finally needed to. I was so used to walking on eggshells and knowing exactly what to do I make them happy it was hard to see it another way. I had to put my future marriage first and it came to a head when we were planning the wedding. Much healthier relationship between everyone now but it's been 3 years after the wedding and they still recall how unpleasant the Months running up to it were. Glad I did it but it wouldn't have happened earlier.

[Anonymous]

Sadly everyone posting here about it not being simple to set boundaries all have the same issue:

They can not accept their parents/family do not love them the way they want them too or think they should.

Setting the boundary means that the parent/family may not make the effort to cross it and for many that is more crushing then being guilted into something/blamed/ridiculed

[Anonymous]

I just wish people would recognize own it. It's not that "my mother's guilt trips make me spend every weekend with her instead if my husband," it's that you choose peace with her over the consequence of boundary setting: a fallout. It's not that "my MIL unilaterally decides when to visit," it's that you gave her permission...and a key!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because they're family. They raised me and my husband and we're willing to tolerate a little drama. I see people complain on this board as if in-laws are just really persistent and annoying strangers, rather than the people who raised their husbands.

We can recognize that they are family without writing permission slips for bad behavior. Being family doesn't give you a pass to be overly controlling and manipulative.

Bottom line: you teach people how to treat you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
It must be nice to go through life thinking everything is simple and clear-cut.

It's not.

Usually people who have difficulty setting boundaries have interacted during their formative years with hyper-controlling, very strong-willed people who can manipulate and nag everybody until it's less exhausting to do what they want rather than fight.

Typically, everyone gets better at setting boundaries as they grow older and mature. Which means some door-mats learn to say no occasionally, and some strong-willed people get downright abusive, and cross boundaries more often.

This. I was a shy kid and loved my parents and they spent a lot of time with me when I had no friends growing up. It took me years after college and after I found my DH to set some boundaries because I finally needed to. I was so used to walking on eggshells and knowing exactly what to do I make them happy it was hard to see it another way. I had to put my future marriage first and it came to a head when we were planning the wedding. Much healthier relationship between everyone now but it's been 3 years after the wedding and they still recall how unpleasant the Months running up to it were. Glad I did it but it wouldn't have happened earlier.

This is exactly why planning weddings (and having new babies) can be so hard for some people. It brings a lot of familial issues to the surface that were easily plastered over before. All of a sudden the adult children have to stand up for their partners, and it causes conflict and stress. My DH's family is only a fraction as bad as some of the horror stories, but even gentle boundaries ruffled a lot of feathers. My MIL is still made about some parts of our wedding and it's been 5 years. Oh well. I've learned to stop trying to control her feelings. That's been much harder for my DH to learn. He's working on it though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
It must be nice to go through life thinking everything is simple and clear-cut.

It's not.

Usually people who have difficulty setting boundaries have interacted during their formative years with hyper-controlling, very strong-willed people who can manipulate and nag everybody until it's less exhausting to do what they want rather than fight.

Typically, everyone gets better at setting boundaries as they grow older and mature. Which means some door-mats learn to say no occasionally, and some strong-willed people get downright abusive, and cross boundaries more often.

This. I was a shy kid and loved my parents and they spent a lot of time with me when I had no friends growing up. It took me years after college and after I found my DH to set some boundaries because I finally needed to. I was so used to walking on eggshells and knowing exactly what to do I make them happy it was hard to see it another way. I had to put my future marriage first and it came to a head when we were planning the wedding. Much healthier relationship between everyone now but it's been 3 years after the wedding and they still recall how unpleasant the Months running up to it were. Glad I did it but it wouldn't have happened earlier.

This is exactly why planning weddings (and having new babies) can be so hard for some people. It brings a lot of familial issues to the surface that were easily plastered over before. All of a sudden the adult children have to stand up for their partners, and it causes conflict and stress. My DH's family is only a fraction as bad as some of the horror stories, but even gentle boundaries ruffled a lot of feathers. My MIL is still made about some parts of our wedding and it's been 5 years. Oh well. I've learned to stop trying to control her feelings. That's been much harder for my DH to learn. He's working on it though.

A lot of this post makes sense. But I do wonder...why is it "all of a sudden"? Why do some people (let's face it, mostly men) wait until serious relationships/engagements/weddings/babies are imminent before they start setting boundaries with family? My brother is likely never to marry or have kids, per his choice, but he still manages expectations and communicates clearly with my parents and my family. For example, after a few stay-with-him visits, he's just decided that overnight guests do not work for him. So he offers to pay for a hotel, or to stay in a hotel and let my parents stay at his place. My parents think that is odd, and often grumble a bit, but he's made his choice and he's made it clear, and that's that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
It must be nice to go through life thinking everything is simple and clear-cut.

It's not.

Usually people who have difficulty setting boundaries have interacted during their formative years with hyper-controlling, very strong-willed people who can manipulate and nag everybody until it's less exhausting to do what they want rather than fight.

Typically, everyone gets better at setting boundaries as they grow older and mature. Which means some door-mats learn to say no occasionally, and some strong-willed people get downright abusive, and cross boundaries more often.

This. I was a shy kid and loved my parents and they spent a lot of time with me when I had no friends growing up. It took me years after college and after I found my DH to set some boundaries because I finally needed to. I was so used to walking on eggshells and knowing exactly what to do I make them happy it was hard to see it another way. I had to put my future marriage first and it came to a head when we were planning the wedding. Much healthier relationship between everyone now but it's been 3 years after the wedding and they still recall how unpleasant the Months running up to it were. Glad I did it but it wouldn't have happened earlier.

This is exactly why planning weddings (and having new babies) can be so hard for some people. It brings a lot of familial issues to the surface that were easily plastered over before. All of a sudden the adult children have to stand up for their partners, and it causes conflict and stress. My DH's family is only a fraction as bad as some of the horror stories, but even gentle boundaries ruffled a lot of feathers. My MIL is still made about some parts of our wedding and it's been 5 years. Oh well. I've learned to stop trying to control her feelings. That's been much harder for my DH to learn. He's working on it though.

A lot of this post makes sense. But I do wonder...why is it "all of a sudden"? Why do some people (let's face it, mostly men) wait until serious relationships/engagements/weddings/babies are imminent before they start setting boundaries with family? My brother is likely never to marry or have kids, per his choice, but he still manages expectations and communicates clearly with my parents and my family. For example, after a few stay-with-him visits, he's just decided that overnight guests do not work for him. So he offers to pay for a hotel, or to stay in a hotel and let my parents stay at his place. My parents think that is odd, and often grumble a bit, but he's made his choice and he's made it clear, and that's that.

I think the "all of sudden" part is that they might not even realize how much they are bending to their parent's whims, until there is a partner there saying "hey this isn't cool, what about ME?". My DH and I dated for 4 years before getting married, but we never spent a holiday together until after the wedding. We were both local, so we'd see each other's parents at other times, but both wanted to spend the days with our siblings etc. After we got married, we did them jointly. It made our first holiday season stressful. My MIL had apparently never considered the fact that her son getting married meant he might miss Christmas with her and she was angry about it. We had to deal with it, and we did, together. But we're lucky her reaction was small, not huge and toxic like other people.

[Anonymous]

I don't set boundaries because I don't know how to do it while remaining polite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sadly everyone posting here about it not being simple to set boundaries all have the same issue:

They can not accept their parents/family do not love them the way they want them too or think they should.

Setting the boundary means that the parent/family may not make the effort to cross it and for many that is more crushing then being guilted into something/blamed/ridiculed

This makes no sense. The point of setting boundaries is that you DON'T want the parent/family to cross it. I don't think anyone here has said that they are secretly worried that once a boundary is set, they will learn that the parent/family doesn't really care. In fact, it's the opposite - people have been saying that boundaries bring out even more emotion, and THAT'S what people are trying to avoid.

In my own case, my in-laws just aren't used to boundaries, and see them as a personal insult, but they are intrusive and annoying because they love their son and his family, so it's a delicate process of "training" them and avoiding hurting their feelings unnecessarily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't set boundaries because I don't know how to do it while remaining polite.

Have you tried writing them in an e-mail, so you have plenty of time/space to consider tone, modify your language, etc.?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't set boundaries because I don't know how to do it while remaining polite.

I can tell you, from years of daily practice with my zero-boundaries in-laws.

First, be mindful of what your boundaries are and accept that you have a right to have boundaries. How others feel about your boundaries is their problem to resolve, not yours.

Any time someone is pushing you against your feelings or your objections, or you feel strangely uncomfortable in a situation, that's a red flag and you should look at how boundaries are being stepped on.

To be polite, your standard response, when someone tries to push something on you, is a smile and a pleasant, "No." Or "Sorry, but I can't." Or "Sorry, but that doesn't work for us." No explanations, ever. Don't make excuses. Keep smiling and calm. No matter how much they badger you, or try and guilt you, or try and make you feel unreasonable, keep your calm and simply repeat the above. Always remember it's their problem, not yours, if they don't like your boundary and your answer.