Why DON'T you set boundaries?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My FIL didn't respect my boundary of no photos of me, at all, in the recovery room after a very traumatic 20-hour labor followed by an emergency C. He "snuck" photos--twice. So I had him removed from the room.

EXACTLY why MIL was NOT invited to the births of our children. If there is a most inappropriate time to have a camera in someone's face (or vagina) - she will have it there.

+1 And boy was she MAD!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My FIL didn't respect my boundary of no photos of me, at all, in the recovery room after a very traumatic 20-hour labor followed by an emergency C. He "snuck" photos--twice. So I had him removed from the room.

EXACTLY why MIL was NOT invited to the births of our children. If there is a most inappropriate time to have a camera in someone's face (or vagina) - she will have it there.

+1 And boy was she MAD!

I'd kind of like to start an MIL thread where every entry ends with, "...and boy was she MAD!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I know I'm part of the problem, but it never seems natural to set boundaries explicitly, and my MIL never understands what I think would be pretty obvious to most of my family members and friends. I mean, I try to set boundaries by mildly expressing my dislike for something and by kindly refusing a particular thing or not inviting MIL for a while, but she never "gets the hint." Most other people I know in my life would "get the hint" (I'm not talking subtle things here), but she doesn't. It makes me very uncomfortable to explicitly tell her something that feels akin to saying, "Leave me the hell alone!" That's not how I would say it, of course, but the directness of what she seems to need feels to me like it would be very offensive and is not something I would do with anyone else in my life (oddly enough, no one else in my life seems to need me to be that explicit, so it's clearly something going on with MIL and not me being a pushover).

This is how my own family is! I will start off politely declining and it's like they don't even hear it. Then as we get closer to the "event" they assume I'm going to be part of it and I so I get a little less polite and more firm. Then when it's clear I'm not participating, they completely lose it and gloves are off in their attempts to make me capitulate. Then they're mad at me for a long time. And then they accuse me of feeling guilty for not doing what they wanted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I know I'm part of the problem, but it never seems natural to set boundaries explicitly, and my MIL never understands what I think would be pretty obvious to most of my family members and friends. I mean, I try to set boundaries by mildly expressing my dislike for something and by kindly refusing a particular thing or not inviting MIL for a while, but she never "gets the hint." Most other people I know in my life would "get the hint" (I'm not talking subtle things here), but she doesn't. It makes me very uncomfortable to explicitly tell her something that feels akin to saying, "Leave me the hell alone!" That's not how I would say it, of course, but the directness of what she seems to need feels to me like it would be very offensive and is not something I would do with anyone else in my life (oddly enough, no one else in my life seems to need me to be that explicit, so it's clearly something going on with MIL and not me being a pushover).

This is how my own family is! I will start off politely declining and it's like they don't even hear it. Then as we get closer to the "event" they assume I'm going to be part of it and I so I get a little less polite and more firm. Then when it's clear I'm not participating, they completely lose it and gloves are off in their attempts to make me capitulate. Then they're mad at me for a long time. And then they accuse me of feeling guilty for not doing what they wanted.

Just keep setting boundaries and communicating clearly. If the act out in retaliation, that is their problem, not yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
It must be nice to go through life thinking everything is simple and clear-cut.

It's not.

Usually people who have difficulty setting boundaries have interacted during their formative years with hyper-controlling, very strong-willed people who can manipulate and nag everybody until it's less exhausting to do what they want rather than fight.

Typically, everyone gets better at setting boundaries as they grow older and mature. Which means some door-mats learn to say no occasionally, and some strong-willed people get downright abusive, and cross boundaries more often.

And they have been doing this since these people were small children. When the children try to set limits, the whole thing escalates. Some parents do not want to have a relationship unless they control it. People who did not grow up this way have a difficult time imagining what this is really like for a child, then an adult.

But now you are an adult.

You teach people how to treat you. If you write permission slips foe bad behavior, that's your choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
It must be nice to go through life thinking everything is simple and clear-cut.

It's not.

Usually people who have difficulty setting boundaries have interacted during their formative years with hyper-controlling, very strong-willed people who can manipulate and nag everybody until it's less exhausting to do what they want rather than fight.

Typically, everyone gets better at setting boundaries as they grow older and mature. Which means some door-mats learn to say no occasionally, and some strong-willed people get downright abusive, and cross boundaries more often.

And they have been doing this since these people were small children. When the children try to set limits, the whole thing escalates. Some parents do not want to have a relationship unless they control it. People who did not grow up this way have a difficult time imagining what this is really like for a child, then an adult.

But now you are an adult.

You teach people how to treat you. If you write permission slips foe bad behavior, that's your choice.

Exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
It must be nice to go through life thinking everything is simple and clear-cut.

It's not.

Usually people who have difficulty setting boundaries have interacted during their formative years with hyper-controlling, very strong-willed people who can manipulate and nag everybody until it's less exhausting to do what they want rather than fight.

Typically, everyone gets better at setting boundaries as they grow older and mature. Which means some door-mats learn to say no occasionally, and some strong-willed people get downright abusive, and cross boundaries more often.

Actually setting a boundary is simple and clear-cut. It's just hard.
But it is nice as you surmise. Try it and see.

You poor thing, I have set many boundaries in my life and this is why I have formed this opinion

Only the very young or the very stupid think family relationship are simple. You may currently be willing to cut off your family or set less severe boundaries, but be careful. I have experienced that years down that path, when generations upon generations of family members become entangled in conflict and have nasty rumors handed down to them as fact, it makes for a lot of regret on both sides for previous rash decisions. These things cannot be undone later, or forgotten or forgiven (because often there's also money and inheritance involved, and that's really hard to forget).

When in doubt, it's best to do nothing. If the behavior is egregious, distancing oneself is better than cutting off ties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
It must be nice to go through life thinking everything is simple and clear-cut.

It's not.

Usually people who have difficulty setting boundaries have interacted during their formative years with hyper-controlling, very strong-willed people who can manipulate and nag everybody until it's less exhausting to do what they want rather than fight.

Typically, everyone gets better at setting boundaries as they grow older and mature. Which means some door-mats learn to say no occasionally, and some strong-willed people get downright abusive, and cross boundaries more often.

And they have been doing this since these people were small children. When the children try to set limits, the whole thing escalates. Some parents do not want to have a relationship unless they control it. People who did not grow up this way have a difficult time imagining what this is really like for a child, then an adult.

But now you are an adult.

You teach people how to treat you. If you write permission slips foe bad behavior, that's your choice.

"You teach people how to treat you" sounds a lot to me like "she had it coming." Sorry. I will blame the perpetrator and not the victim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
It must be nice to go through life thinking everything is simple and clear-cut.

It's not.

Usually people who have difficulty setting boundaries have interacted during their formative years with hyper-controlling, very strong-willed people who can manipulate and nag everybody until it's less exhausting to do what they want rather than fight.

Typically, everyone gets better at setting boundaries as they grow older and mature. Which means some door-mats learn to say no occasionally, and some strong-willed people get downright abusive, and cross boundaries more often.

And they have been doing this since these people were small children. When the children try to set limits, the whole thing escalates. Some parents do not want to have a relationship unless they control it. People who did not grow up this way have a difficult time imagining what this is really like for a child, then an adult.

But now you are an adult.

You teach people how to treat you. If you write permission slips foe bad behavior, that's your choice.

"You teach people how to treat you" sounds a lot to me like "she had it coming." Sorry. I will blame the perpetrator and not the victim.

As a child? No. As an adult? Yes. Shit happens, but if it does, you walk, you cut ties, you set the boundary.

[Anonymous]

Most of these boundary issues are about no more than preferences (not evil, not needing to cut ties because someone is doing evil) If mom wants this, or prefers this, or insists this - - This is a preference. It's a preference and it doesn't have to be honored. Does she manipulate, try to make you feel guilty, or give the silent treatment? Ignore the bad behavior. When you give in to bad behavior it just encourages it. AND it teaches your children that this is how families interact. Greater chance the bad behavior will continue within the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most of these boundary issues are about no more than preferences (not evil, not needing to cut ties because someone is doing evil) If mom wants this, or prefers this, or insists this - - This is a preference. It's a preference and it doesn't have to be honored. Does she manipulate, try to make you feel guilty, or give the silent treatment? Ignore the bad behavior. When you give in to bad behavior it just encourages it. AND it teaches your children that this is how families interact. Greater chance the bad behavior will continue within the family.

+1