Why DON'T you set boundaries?

[Anonymous]

I tried, but my mother didn't listen. Now we are no longer in each other's lives - and I am much better off.

[Anonymous]

I used to worry about others feelings if I set boundaries. Now I realize that I am not responsible for their feelings, they are not responsible for mine. So I set my boundaries, they have their feelings, and I am a much happier person. Long term, it helps them too because we can have healthier relationships than if there were growing resentment on both ends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
It must be nice to go through life thinking everything is simple and clear-cut.

It's not.

Usually people who have difficulty setting boundaries have interacted during their formative years with hyper-controlling, very strong-willed people who can manipulate and nag everybody until it's less exhausting to do what they want rather than fight.

Typically, everyone gets better at setting boundaries as they grow older and mature. Which means some door-mats learn to say no occasionally, and some strong-willed people get downright abusive, and cross boundaries more often.

Actually setting a boundary is simple and clear-cut. It's just hard.
But it is nice as you surmise. Try it and see.

[Anonymous]

My FIL didn't respect my boundary of no photos of me, at all, in the recovery room after a very traumatic 20-hour labor followed by an emergency C. He "snuck" photos--twice. So I had him removed from the room.

[Anonymous]

It's hard but worth it. Once my sister finally realized that I'm not intimidated by her anymore, and I don't fear her anger if disapproval, our relationship got much better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
It must be nice to go through life thinking everything is simple and clear-cut.

It's not.

Usually people who have difficulty setting boundaries have interacted during their formative years with hyper-controlling, very strong-willed people who can manipulate and nag everybody until it's less exhausting to do what they want rather than fight.

Typically, everyone gets better at setting boundaries as they grow older and mature. Which means some door-mats learn to say no occasionally, and some strong-willed people get downright abusive, and cross boundaries more often.

Actually setting a boundary is simple and clear-cut. It's just hard.
But it is nice as you surmise. Try it and see.

Yup.

[Anonymous]

I'm not really sure what we're talking about. One man's "boundaries" are another man's "shutting people out of our family's lives because I really can't be bothered." Can this particularly firm pro-boundary pp please give an example of a boundary she enforces?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not really sure what we're talking about. One man's "boundaries" are another man's "shutting people out of our family's lives because I really can't be bothered." Can this particularly firm pro-boundary pp please give an example of a boundary she enforces?

NP. Here's one: my MIL wants us to spend every holiday with her. We split them evenly with my family. She freaks out about it every few months. We make our plans and proceed anyway. She can work herself into a lather all she wants. We ain't changing.

[Anonymous]

Because the blowback is worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because the blowback is worse.

Nothing is worse than not living your own life. Don't let someone else be the main character in your life!

[Anonymous]

I think people don't set boundaries because they truly believe that someone else's issue is really their own.

For example, your mother decides when she wants to visit and tells you. It's not a convenient time for you but you allow her to do it. Why? Because she guilts you, or yells at you, or tells you you're selfish.

So what? That's her issue. She is mad, she is upset, she feels unappreciated. So what? That's her issue. Stop thinking it's yours.

[Anonymous]

This thread should be required reading as we go into holiday visitation season...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My FIL didn't respect my boundary of no photos of me, at all, in the recovery room after a very traumatic 20-hour labor followed by an emergency C. He "snuck" photos--twice. So I had him removed from the room.

EXACTLY why MIL was NOT invited to the births of our children. If there is a most inappropriate time to have a camera in someone's face (or vagina) - she will have it there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because they're family. They raised me and my husband and we're willing to tolerate a little drama. I see people complain on this board as if in-laws are just really persistent and annoying strangers, rather than the people who raised their husbands.

There's annoying and somewhat passive aggressive, and then there's manipulative, controlling, and abusive. Big differences. Be glad you have the first.

+1

[Anonymous]

It takes practice, but start small, and start somewhere.