Why DON'T you set boundaries?

[Anonymous]

I have a hard time with boundaries because I sometimes am not self-aware enough to know what they are until they have been crossed. Plus, I DO think it's important to try to collaborate and meet half-way, which means sometimes I push myself too much.

[Anonymous]

because for some of us, it's like asking a dog why it doesn't read

we have NO IDEA what it would even mean or look like to set boundaries

all we know is that "selfish" behavior is something that other people get to do

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:because for some of us, it's like asking a dog why it doesn't read

we have NO IDEA what it would even mean or look like to set boundaries

all we know is that "selfish" behavior is something that other people get to do

+1

What my MIL does is so foreign to me that I just don't expect it and therefore can't prepare for it.
Walking on eggshells... I am soooo tired, it's sad.

[Anonymous]

Because it's the spouse's job to set boundaries with their own parents but they're either too chickenshit or actually like the visits particularly because the burden rests on you.

A lot of times it's a choice between dealing with your in-laws' shit or having a fight with your spouse and being reminded yet again that s/he still prioritizes the parents and not you.

[Anonymous]

Dear boundary setters: help me with this one please.. I am at a loss. My mother, who I am mildly estranged from after decades of serious emotional abuse, sent my young, preschool DC's a package. It came with 52 items from a dollar store, everything from stickers, to flimsy coloring books that rip if you actually color them, to Halloween socks with violent characters, and bad Halloween decorations . Each with written notes taped to / or written in black sharpie marker to the child in caps on the unwrapped gift.

Along with all of this, there are instruction letters to me: first read this, then read this, then read this other note twice, in particular tones of voice, quiz the children. I was in shock looking at this roday, and am completely hiding it from my husband. It is so nuts.... I can't even share it. He knows what we are dealing with, but I just find these examples to be so incredibly distressing that I don't see how it helps our marriage to share them.

So while I struggle with her mental illness, I don't struggle with the items. I am simply donating all of it to the goodwill. But my question to all of you is: do I respond? Do I even say thanks? It wasted hours of my time today, I was literally speechless. Opening the box with all of its nasty s#*#&t and lunacy was like being back in the house as a middleschooler, cowering in my room as she raged.

My impulse is to just never mention it to her, bc let's face it, she's only going downhill. But open to advice.

[Anonymous]

The strangest thing about your story is that you are hiding it from your husband. Why? What's one negative outcome that could come from telling your husband?

[Anonymous]

PP, I'm sorry, that sounds very stressful and upsetting.

I think what you do now depends on what type of contact YOU want with her going forward.

So what would that look like?

No contact? Phone only? Holidays only? Monthly?

Tell us more, if you know what this "ideal contact" would be.

I'm sorry for your pain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dear boundary setters: help me with this one please.. I am at a loss. My mother, who I am mildly estranged from after decades of serious emotional abuse, sent my young, preschool DC's a package. It came with 52 items from a dollar store, everything from stickers, to flimsy coloring books that rip if you actually color them, to Halloween socks with violent characters, and bad Halloween decorations . Each with written notes taped to / or written in black sharpie marker to the child in caps on the unwrapped gift.

Along with all of this, there are instruction letters to me: first read this, then read this, then read this other note twice, in particular tones of voice, quiz the children. I was in shock looking at this roday, and am completely hiding it from my husband. It is so nuts.... I can't even share it. He knows what we are dealing with, but I just find these examples to be so incredibly distressing that I don't see how it helps our marriage to share them.

So while I struggle with her mental illness, I don't struggle with the items. I am simply donating all of it to the goodwill. But my question to all of you is: do I respond? Do I even say thanks? It wasted hours of my time today, I was literally speechless. Opening the box with all of its nasty s#*#&t and lunacy was like being back in the house as a middleschooler, cowering in my room as she raged.

My impulse is to just never mention it to her, bc let's face it, she's only going downhill. But open to advice.

We need more background. My initial response is to donate or toss it asap, don't mention it to kid, and text or email her the blandest "thanks" ever. BUT - like PPs ask: what else is going on here? Is any response from you likely to trigger more inappropriateness or explosions? That will determine your response to her. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I didn't read this whole thread. Question for those advocating setting boundaries:

Are you willing to not see one of your parents, your siblings, your aunts, your uncles, your BIL/SiL? Are you okay with your child never knowing these people, never meeting cousins, never celebrating holidays with your family, all so that you can set boundaries with one parent?

Believe it or not, that's the cost of setting boundaries in some families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't read this whole thread. Question for those advocating setting boundaries:

Are you willing to not see one of your parents, your siblings, your aunts, your uncles, your BIL/SiL? Are you okay with your child never knowing these people, never meeting cousins, never celebrating holidays with your family, all so that you can set boundaries with one parent?

Believe it or not, that's the cost of setting boundaries in some families.

I am willing to cut MIL loose and never deal with her again. My kids wouldn't suffer for not having that kind of manipulation in their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't read this whole thread. Question for those advocating setting boundaries:

Are you willing to not see one of your parents, your siblings, your aunts, your uncles, your BIL/SiL? Are you okay with your child never knowing these people, never meeting cousins, never celebrating holidays with your family, all so that you can set boundaries with one parent?

Believe it or not, that's the cost of setting boundaries in some families.

If they are that immature, disrespectful, selfish and toxic...YES, ABSOLUTELY! I'm not subjecting my children to those kinds of people.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I know I'm part of the problem, but it never seems natural to set boundaries explicitly, and my MIL never understands what I think would be pretty obvious to most of my family members and friends. I mean, I try to set boundaries by mildly expressing my dislike for something and by kindly refusing a particular thing or not inviting MIL for a while, but she never "gets the hint." Most other people I know in my life would "get the hint" (I'm not talking subtle things here), but she doesn't. It makes me very uncomfortable to explicitly tell her something that feels akin to saying, "Leave me the hell alone!" That's not how I would say it, of course, but the directness of what she seems to need feels to me like it would be very offensive and is not something I would do with anyone else in my life (oddly enough, no one else in my life seems to need me to be that explicit, so it's clearly something going on with MIL and not me being a pushover).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I know I'm part of the problem, but it never seems natural to set boundaries explicitly, and my MIL never understands what I think would be pretty obvious to most of my family members and friends. I mean, I try to set boundaries by mildly expressing my dislike for something and by kindly refusing a particular thing or not inviting MIL for a while, but she never "gets the hint." Most other people I know in my life would "get the hint" (I'm not talking subtle things here), but she doesn't. It makes me very uncomfortable to explicitly tell her something that feels akin to saying, "Leave me the hell alone!" That's not how I would say it, of course, but the directness of what she seems to need feels to me like it would be very offensive and is not something I would do with anyone else in my life (oddly enough, no one else in my life seems to need me to be that explicit, so it's clearly something going on with MIL and not me being a pushover).

She's just not used to hearing "no." Just keep being firm, persistent, and as calm and polite as you can be. If she takes offense, that's her problem, not yours.

Where is DH in all this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I know I'm part of the problem, but it never seems natural to set boundaries explicitly, and my MIL never understands what I think would be pretty obvious to most of my family members and friends. I mean, I try to set boundaries by mildly expressing my dislike for something and by kindly refusing a particular thing or not inviting MIL for a while, but she never "gets the hint." Most other people I know in my life would "get the hint" (I'm not talking subtle things here), but she doesn't. It makes me very uncomfortable to explicitly tell her something that feels akin to saying, "Leave me the hell alone!" That's not how I would say it, of course, but the directness of what she seems to need feels to me like it would be very offensive and is not something I would do with anyone else in my life (oddly enough, no one else in my life seems to need me to be that explicit, so it's clearly something going on with MIL and not me being a pushover).

She's just not used to hearing "no." Just keep being firm, persistent, and as calm and polite as you can be. If she takes offense, that's her problem, not yours.

Where is DH in all this?

Like with kids, consistency and willingness to be "the bad guy" are key---you are dealing with an immature person, after all!

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
It must be nice to go through life thinking everything is simple and clear-cut.

It's not.

Usually people who have difficulty setting boundaries have interacted during their formative years with hyper-controlling, very strong-willed people who can manipulate and nag everybody until it's less exhausting to do what they want rather than fight.

Typically, everyone gets better at setting boundaries as they grow older and mature. Which means some door-mats learn to say no occasionally, and some strong-willed people get downright abusive, and cross boundaries more often.

And they have been doing this since these people were small children. When the children try to set limits, the whole thing escalates. Some parents do not want to have a relationship unless they control it. People who did not grow up this way have a difficult time imagining what this is really like for a child, then an adult.