Why DON'T you set boundaries?

[Anonymous]

In another thread, a poster is saying her MIL "unilaterally" decides when to visit, and the visits sound pretty miserable.

My question, on a broad level: if you don't set boundaries with family members--both your ow band your spouse's, or even with your own spouse and kids--why not? What is stopping you?

And do you recognize that you are a major part of the problem?

[Anonymous]

In the past 5 years I have really begun to set boundaries with my mom. First it was when DH and I were getting married and she tried t control everything an later it became when we started a family. ID say this past year has been the best in terms of setting and keeping boundaries. My mom, to her credit, has also been working on her issues.

The reasoning for not setting limits was that the fall out was worse. My mom is the queen of guilt tripping and overreaction. When I would try to set boundaries, it would cause an inevitable meltdown with awful things being said. I learned to just let her have her way to avoid this. It seems easy to just say "well set a boundary" but it can be really difficult to do when you're afraid of the fallout

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In the past 5 years I have really begun to set boundaries with my mom. First it was when DH and I were getting married and she tried t control everything an later it became when we started a family. ID say this past year has been the best in terms of setting and keeping boundaries. My mom, to her credit, has also been working on her issues.

The reasoning for not setting limits was that the fall out was worse. My mom is the queen of guilt tripping and overreaction. When I would try to set boundaries, it would cause an inevitable meltdown with awful things being said. I learned to just let her have her way to avoid this. It seems easy to just say "well set a boundary" but it can be really difficult to do when you're afraid of the fallout

I may be TOO good at setting boundaries. All growing up my mom told me her complaints about her parents controlling her wedding. As a teen she told me how she'd handle my wedding. One day I asked "You realize it'll be MY wedding, right? Not yours?" and she said, "Yes, but my parents were in charge of mine so I get to be in charge of yours." I told her right then, "No you don't. I'm sorry your parents screwed you over but that doesn't mean you should screw me over. If you keep talking this way, I'll happily pay for my own wedding to maintain control and MAYBE I'll invite you." That shut her up and she never made another peep about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In the past 5 years I have really begun to set boundaries with my mom. First it was when DH and I were getting married and she tried t control everything an later it became when we started a family. ID say this past year has been the best in terms of setting and keeping boundaries. My mom, to her credit, has also been working on her issues.

The reasoning for not setting limits was that the fall out was worse. My mom is the queen of guilt tripping and overreaction. When I would try to set boundaries, it would cause an inevitable meltdown with awful things being said. I learned to just let her have her way to avoid this. It seems easy to just say "well set a boundary" but it can be really difficult to do when you're afraid of the fallout

I can see that. But at the same time, I really believe in letting some eggs break. What's the worst someone can do...get mad? Say hurtful things? Not visit anymore? That's fine. Those are THEIR choices, and it's nothing to do with me.

[Anonymous]

It's interesting that some adults don't give into tantrums/bad behavior from their kids, but DO give into tantrums from adults!

[Anonymous]

Because then they'd have to give up their martyr crown!

[Anonymous]

It's a bad example for kids to see their parents getting pushed around by other adults...

[Anonymous]

I started setting boundaries with my BPD divorced parents and it turned into a godawful.mess. they fell apart when they couldn't have every inch of their own way, got super verbally abusive, wrote angry nasty letters when they could no longer hurl the verbal abuse at me (bc i stopped calling) and then tried to shut me out of my extended family.

Meanwhile I got married, and have a gorgeous family of my own and am happy.my kids have not spent much time with my parents and sadly none with my extended family, as we did get shut out by the gossiping and manipulation. That was extremely painful at the time but after growing to accept it, I am glad to have that evil at bay and out of my day to day life.

It wasn't what I expected but it has worked out just fine.

I am hoping to have a mildly more functional relationship as my children get older, but it will come with serious boundaries as well, and there will not be recourse for my parents now that they've broken my larger family relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I started setting boundaries with my BPD divorced parents and it turned into a godawful.mess. they fell apart when they couldn't have every inch of their own way, got super verbally abusive, wrote angry nasty letters when they could no longer hurl the verbal abuse at me (bc i stopped calling) and then tried to shut me out of my extended family.

Meanwhile I got married, and have a gorgeous family of my own and am happy.my kids have not spent much time with my parents and sadly none with my extended family, as we did get shut out by the gossiping and manipulation. That was extremely painful at the time but after growing to accept it, I am glad to have that evil at bay and out of my day to day life.

It wasn't what I expected but it has worked out just fine.

I am hoping to have a mildly more functional relationship as my children get older, but it will come with serious boundaries as well, and there will not be recourse for my parents now that they've broken my larger family relationships.
I

PP here, but this was why I never set boundaries before. Fear of what they would do. They did it. I survived. And now I can have more strength and resolve in the future.

[Anonymous]

Once I had my DD, I was done kowtowing to my controlling MIL. I used to try to do everything to please her. But I put my daughter first now.

So no, we won't drive in major traffic and arrive at 11pm just to extend a visit. We will see you the next day in the late morning. No, we won't go to the midnight Christmas service just because you're singing in the choir.

I try to give as much as I can, when I can. But now when I can't, I don't. And she can deal.

[Anonymous]

I have recently started setting boundaries with my family. Earlier this year it was regarding a trip they were taking to visit us. They got mad and cancelled the trip.

Also set one with my brother. I thought it was a minor issue. He pushed and pushed me to do what he wanted for about a month. That didn't work so he got mad then tried to guilt me.

It's hurtful and emotionally draining.

[Anonymous]

Has anyone called them out...on being controlling/over-stepping/manipulative, etc.?

[Anonymous]

I was lucky. I set boundaries with my mom and my relationship with her got better because I didn't let her emotions influence mine. It's easier to be charitable with an anxious older woman when her anxiety isn't making you anxious. But then I don't think she was as crazy as some of the parents described in this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the past 5 years I have really begun to set boundaries with my mom. First it was when DH and I were getting married and she tried t control everything an later it became when we started a family. ID say this past year has been the best in terms of setting and keeping boundaries. My mom, to her credit, has also been working on her issues.

The reasoning for not setting limits was that the fall out was worse. My mom is the queen of guilt tripping and overreaction. When I would try to set boundaries, it would cause an inevitable meltdown with awful things being said. I learned to just let her have her way to avoid this. It seems easy to just say "well set a boundary" but it can be really difficult to do when you're afraid of the fallout

I can see that. But at the same time, I really believe in letting some eggs break. What's the worst someone can do...get mad? Say hurtful things? Not visit anymore? That's fine. Those are THEIR choices, and it's nothing to do with me.

The reason boundaries are hard for me to set with my in-laws is that they will take it out on my husband, who doesn't deserve it. So the best I can do is try to be supportive of him and help him set boundaries he can believe in, so when they run the massive guilt trip on him, he can stand firm.

[Anonymous]

Because they're family. They raised me and my husband and we're willing to tolerate a little drama. I see people complain on this board as if in-laws are just really persistent and annoying strangers, rather than the people who raised their husbands.