Reply to Why DON'T you set boundaries?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
It must be nice to go through life thinking everything is simple and clear-cut.

It's not.

Usually people who have difficulty setting boundaries have interacted during their formative years with hyper-controlling, very strong-willed people who can manipulate and nag everybody until it's less exhausting to do what they want rather than fight.

Typically, everyone gets better at setting boundaries as they grow older and mature. Which means some door-mats learn to say no occasionally, and some strong-willed people get downright abusive, and cross boundaries more often.

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This. I was a shy kid and loved my parents and they spent a lot of time with me when I had no friends growing up. It took me years after college and after I found my DH to set some boundaries because I finally needed to. I was so used to walking on eggshells and knowing exactly what to do I make them happy it was hard to see it another way. I had to put my future marriage first and it came to a head when we were planning the wedding. Much healthier relationship between everyone now but it's been 3 years after the wedding and they still recall how unpleasant the Months running up to it were. Glad I did it but it wouldn't have happened earlier.  [/quote]

This is exactly why planning weddings (and having new babies) can be so hard for some people.  It brings a lot of familial issues to the surface that were easily plastered over before.  [b]All of a sudden the adult children have to stand up for their partners, and it causes conflict and stress.  My DH's family is only a fraction as bad as some of the horror stories, but even gentle boundaries ruffled a lot of feathers. [/b] My MIL is still made about some parts of our wedding and it's been 5 years.  Oh well.  I've learned to stop trying to control her feelings.  That's been much harder for my DH to learn.  He's working on it though.[/quote]

A lot of this post makes sense. But I do wonder...why is it "all of a sudden"? Why do some people (let's face it, mostly men) wait until serious relationships/engagements/weddings/babies are imminent before they start setting boundaries with family? My brother is likely never to marry or have kids, per his choice, but he still manages expectations and communicates clearly with my parents and my family. For example, after a few stay-with-him visits, he's just decided that overnight guests do not work for him. So he offers to pay for a hotel, or to stay in a hotel and let my parents stay at his place. My parents think that is odd, and often grumble a bit, but he's made his choice and he's made it clear, and that's that.[/quote]

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