Husband tells me to move out every time we argue

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh my god he sounds horrible. Please, for the love of God, do NOT have kids with this man!

+1 time to go

[Anonymous]

It sounds as if your marriage has grown stale at this point & that your husband feels it is okay to speak to you in this manner.

It isn't.

You both need to work on a better communication technique because it sounds to me as if he isn't following any of his own.

Some people do use the "Well if you don't like it then why are you with me?" line. Some may just say it, others may want you to take it literally.

When things are good between you, have a talk & ask him exactly what he is trying to articulate to you when he tells you this.

[Anonymous]

Please divorce him. And please don't have children with him.

[Anonymous]

He knows that he holds all the cards in the relationship. He has all the money and power right now. That is no way to live. He has created a dynamic that is really unhealthy for your relationship and is damaging you as an individual.

When you are in a situation like yours, it is hard to see how much it impacts you. Your self esteem is quietly eroded away over a period of years. Soon, you don't even realize how abusive your spouse is being to you because you have been hearing it for so long that it becomes your new normal.

I would encourage you to leave for a little while (probably more than a weekend) and get some perspective. While having money adds security to your life, the price you are paying for that security is way too high.

You can find happiness. As the other PPs have said -- Do not have kids with this man. If you think it is bad now, I guarantee it will be far worse once he criticizes your parenting skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should move out and "see how he likes it" you might be a lot happier too.

This. Take him up on his suggestion. Call his bluff. Actually don't worry about the 'call his bluff" part...just DTMFA. I particularly agree with the bolded part.

[Anonymous]

If my husband said that to me, I would move out. If I were you, I'd start socking away some money--save what you would have spent on anything remotely a luxury (new clothes, lunches or coffees out, mani/pedi, whatever) and then leave. Get your electronic deposit transferred to a new bank account, timed for when you are leaving. Find a new apartment--even a tiny studio.

He's telling you that he doesn't care how you feel and he's not going to change his behavior. So, in that sense, he's right--if you don't like it, leave and you won't have to deal with it.

[Anonymous]

No kids, be done with it.

Get out, get therapy...there's a bright future out there for you, but it doesn't sound like it's with your husband.

[Anonymous]

A friend of mine has a husband who does this, too. I told her to go. She hasn't, yet.

I think I would be long gone. Pack a bag, and have a plan.

[Anonymous]

Get out. Get out. Get out.

Just leave now if you can. Stay with a girlfriend? Mom?

If you can't leave right now, open your own checking account and start stashing money in it so you have some resources. Look into apartments; figure out what you'll need to move in. Have a plan for a temporary hotel. Have a bag packed. Keep it at work or in the trunk of your car. Take birth control without fail.

With preparations in place, the next time he tells you to move out DO IT. This is toxic relationship that is damaging and dangerous. Leave him. It will be hard, but a year after you're gone, you'll look back and wonders why you hadn't done it sooner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

Just wondering, do you lose things a lot or disorganized in general? If so, maybe it wasn't about the keys but about putting out fires. If this is the case, you need to examine your own behavior.

I'm the messy, disorganized one in the marriage (DW). If DH talked to me like that, I'd be out. I get that I misplace stuff. I wish I could do better and don't you think I've tried? But my brain isn't wired that way. DH sees the other advantage of how I think and the disorganization is just one of the things he deals with. He loves all of me, even the annoying parts (and I him).

But the way OP's DH talks to her is disrespectful. Once the respect is gone, the relationship is doomed.

[Anonymous]

I smell a man who is either having an affair or contemplating one with a candidate at hand. He seems very easily irritated, and looking for a way to make it your choice/fault to go (which would make it much easier on him).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If my husband said that to me, I would move out. If I were you, I'd start socking away some money--save what you would have spent on anything remotely a luxury (new clothes, lunches or coffees out, mani/pedi, whatever) and then leave. Get your electronic deposit transferred to a new bank account, timed for when you are leaving. Find a new apartment--even a tiny studio.

He's telling you that he doesn't care how you feel and he's not going to change his behavior. So, in that sense, he's right--if you don't like it, leave and you won't have to deal with it.

+1. Start banking your escape money. Set a target of how much you need to get into a tiny studio and pay immediate bills, and then get out. Things are only going to get worse for you if you stay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my husband said that to me, I would move out. If I were you, I'd start socking away some money--save what you would have spent on anything remotely a luxury (new clothes, lunches or coffees out, mani/pedi, whatever) and then leave. Get your electronic deposit transferred to a new bank account, timed for when you are leaving. Find a new apartment--even a tiny studio.

He's telling you that he doesn't care how you feel and he's not going to change his behavior. So, in that sense, he's right--if you don't like it, leave and you won't have to deal with it.

+1. Start banking your escape money. Set a target of how much you need to get into a tiny studio and pay immediate bills, and then get out. Things are only going to get worse for you if you stay.

Do you have friends who know this about him? That might be helpful to have them on standby so you can stay with them for a few nights while you find a permanent place to live. I am so sorry you are going through this. Take care of YOU.

Also - if you think he might fight the divorce - then start documenting what he is saying, when and if you can create a paper trail, that would help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He knows that he holds all the cards in the relationship. He has all the money and power right now. That is no way to live. He has created a dynamic that is really unhealthy for your relationship and is damaging you as an individual.

When you are in a situation like yours, it is hard to see how much it impacts you. Your self esteem is quietly eroded away over a period of years. Soon, you don't even realize how abusive your spouse is being to you because you have been hearing it for so long that it becomes your new normal.

I would encourage you to leave for a little while (probably more than a weekend) and get some perspective. While having money adds security to your life, the price you are paying for that security is way too high.

You can find happiness. As the other PPs have said -- Do not have kids with this man. If you think it is bad now, I guarantee it will be far worse once he criticizes your parenting skills.

Sigh....this is me. But we have a kid so I'm extra trapped.

[Anonymous]

If you hadn't already tried counseling, I would have suggested. Given that you tried, and he didn't want to put in the necessary work to improve your marriage and the way you communicate, I would make plans to leave him. I'm sorry, OP. It just sounds unlikely that it will get any better.