Getting seperated...what is fair?

[Anonymous]

Oh, OP. He is telling you stories. Please don't believe him. Somehow he's gotten you to believe that he'd be doing you a favor letting him keep the house. And you're supposed to work full time on top of full-time child care while paying for your own lodgings, not getting any retirement money, and not getting any alimony with only $1,500 child support!? Jesus Christ. Do not do this, OP. You need a lawyer immediately. You and your children will end up in the poorhouse and he'll probably end up with the kids in the end too (if he even wants them).

He sounds like the very dominant force in the relationship and you sound very accommodating. He is an operator, and you clearly are not. But you have your children to look out for - time to be tough - for their sake if not your own. He sounds like a real piece of work and he's ripping you off. Ignore the first PP who told you the retirement is his. Totally untrue.

[Anonymous]

Divorce attorneys out there, please help this OP. Her husband is pulling the snow job from hell on her and she has children, one special needs. This is very sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok again. Thanks everyone. To clarify about the house, we bought during the peak, and it lost a lot of value. We would not even get back what we put down. In fairness, we got the down payment from the condo he bought before we were married. We were only married for one year out of the two years he owned the condo, and it was in his name. Our mortage now is in his name only, although the deed is in both. To be honest, the house is the least of my priorities, and it would be very hard for me to afford and maintain alone. Not just the mortage, but the upkeep and repairs. Neither of us is really attached to the house really. The neighborhood seems to be declining a little, and one child had a really horrible time getting the special ed provided at our local school. We would probably get a third of what we put down on it if we sold it now. I am not sure what to do with it.

I guess I should talk to a lawyer. Does anyone know about the collaborative divorce. My husband says we would each have a lawyer but that they would work together. Is this bogus? Will we get something fair? I don't want to get screwed, but I don't want a big ugly battle either. My kids don't deserve it.

You sound eminently fair and reasonable, OP. Too much so, actually, because the fact is he is walking out on your family and trying to pay almost nothing in the process ($1500/month total!?) while also keeping your house and pressuring you not to get a lawyer who could protect you from him.

He is playing some serious hardball, OP, and you don't know how to play that game. Most of us don't, and that's why there are lawyers. Forget collaborative divorce. You need your own, non-collaborative attorney, who will advocate for you and your children, not your STBX's selfish wishes to keep the house and most of his money while sticking you with a ruinous new lifestyle and keeping his evening sports too boot.

[Anonymous]

Thanks everyone. This is very helpful. He is a bit of a control freak, and has anxiety issues. Perhaps, I have excused it a little to much, but I haven't been passive either. Conflict arises when I speak my mind, so I pick my battles. I think he feels a lot of pressure as the bread winner, and believes it entitles him to getting what he wants. While he has helped a lot around the house, I do feel he takes my contributions for granted. While he spends a lot of fun time with the kids, he doesn't help much in the child rearing department. That is not to say I am perfect, but certainly have made no major offenses (affairs or other). I am so depressed that it has to be this way. I don't believe you stay together for kids no matter what, but I certainly think they deserve a better effort than their getting. That is why my hope is that this can be done in a civil manner. I guess he's hoping to keep as much as he can. He wants joint custody, and I am worried he will take back his word on not fighting me on that if I ask for too much. While I totally believe they are better with me, courts make weird decisions all the time. He is under the impression that joint custody is the standard now. Is this true? For kids under 9? I would never break my kids hearts by over limiting his access to them, but it is crucial I have custody. He just isn't equipped for it.

[Anonymous]

You sound like a great mom and a very civil person. Yes, he's trying to keep as much as possible for himself, even though there are children involved and this divorce is his choice.

As for having a civil divorce, don't feel like that's entirely your burden, and like you need to give him everything he wants for the sake of your kids. He is exploiting your desire to keep things civil, it seems, and it will hurt you and your kids so much to end up so disadvantaged.

By offering you next to nothing in this extremely lopsided, outrageously selfish deal, he's already shown you his cards, his nature, and his motivations. He will screw you and the kids if he can to keep the money, the house, and his preferred lifestyle.

And while I really don't want to rub salt in your wounds, I wouldn't assume there isn't another woman in the picture. You need a lawyer to dig into these "debts" he's secretly accumulated and is now using as leverage against you to try to keep the house. Sounds like a lot of flimflam to me.

[Anonymous]

What state are you in?

[Anonymous]

OP here. I am in Maryland. I guess I am still in shock, and a bit out of touch with the cost of living here. In Montgomery county would $1500 be that much less than average? $100,000 is a pretty average salary, I would think. Also, I did my numbers based on my getting full time hours ...which I will need no matter what. It will make going back to school pretty tough, but I can get a much better job in my field with a master's.

Thanks soooooooo much to everyone for the advice.

[Anonymous]

$1500 a month for two kids is nothing. Get a lawyer, please!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:$1500 a month for two kids is nothing. Get a lawyer, please!

Um, this $1500 for 2 kids is crap. My friend lives in DC and got $1800 for ONE kid using the calculator. She works full time ($65K) and he makes $130K.

Get.a.lawyer.

You will not have to go to court to fight it out. But you do need someone who will advocate for you.

[Anonymous]

OP, get a copy of your credit record to see what your name might be attached to. A lawyer will be able to get your husband's (I'm not sure if you can legally. Anyone on DCUM know?)

Get a lawyer. Can anyone advise OP about resources for pro bono or low cost divorce attorneys or legal assistance in Maryland?

So sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone. This is very helpful. He is a bit of a control freak, and has anxiety issues. Perhaps, I have excused it a little to much, but I haven't been passive either. Conflict arises when I speak my mind, so I pick my battles. I think he feels a lot of pressure as the bread winner, and believes it entitles him to getting what he wants. While he has helped a lot around the house, I do feel he takes my contributions for granted. While he spends a lot of fun time with the kids, he doesn't help much in the child rearing department. That is not to say I am perfect, but certainly have made no major offenses (affairs or other). I am so depressed that it has to be this way. I don't believe you stay together for kids no matter what, but I certainly think they deserve a better effort than their getting. That is why my hope is that this can be done in a civil manner. I guess he's hoping to keep as much as he can. He wants joint custody, and I am worried he will take back his word on not fighting me on that if I ask for too much. While I totally believe they are better with me, courts make weird decisions all the time. He is under the impression that joint custody is the standard now. Is this true? For kids under 9? I would never break my kids hearts by over limiting his access to them, but it is crucial I have custody. He just isn't equipped for it.

GET A PRO-BONO LAWYER NOW. Go down to the Courthouse, where they offer free advice on divorce cases. Call The Women's Center near you. I had fantastic lawyers and still have had to make peace with a couple of things and I was the one with all of the assets and came out with nearly everything I wanted. You, my girl, are going to be taken for a ride.

His "control freak, anxiety issues" are no longer your concern. Wanna go into bankruptcy? He's giving you burdens without supports. GO GET A LAWYER NOOOOOOW.

Watch First Wives Club and you'll have a sense of how you're coming off. Stop being nice. Give your lawyers the information they need. Then you get to be nice. Let loose the dogs of war, darling. This "being nice" bullshit will haunt you for decades to come. Secure your children's future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is going to get dirty but try to settle things without a lawyer if you can. Lawyers rack up the bills big time. Courts decide child support, you do not have to. You also do not need a lawyer for that. They simply calculate each others earnings and come up with a number. Why do you think you should get his retirement? He worked for it, it is his. Keep it simple, because in the long run, you could get burned.

Does anyone else have the feeling that this is OP's husband? Who else would write such drivel.

[Anonymous]

What PPs have said. I'm not surprised he doesn't want you to have a real lawyer of your own. I'd laugh if it weren't so horrible.

He is not looking out for your best interests or your kids' best interest. He is looking out for himself.

You are obviously a bit... trusting... about financials. That's okay, a lot of women are. But it has to stop now. You cannot trust anything he says. You need professional help. YOU NEED A LAWYER.

If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your children. They deserve proper child support -- even if you're not willing to fight for the alimony you're clearly owed, fight for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is going to get dirty but try to settle things without a lawyer if you can. Lawyers rack up the bills big time. Courts decide child support, you do not have to. You also do not need a lawyer for that. They simply calculate each others earnings and come up with a number. Why do you think you should get his retirement? He worked for it, it is his. Keep it simple, because in the long run, you could get burned.

Does anyone else have the feeling that this is OP's husband? Who else would write such drivel.

Right? I love the OH NO DONT GET A LAWYER, TOO EXPENSIVE!

You know what's expensive? Raising kids. The long term financial implications of agreeing to this ridiculous lopsided "deal" far outweigh what you'll have to pay a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What PPs have said. I'm not surprised he doesn't want you to have a real lawyer of your own. I'd laugh if it weren't so horrible.

He is not looking out for your best interests or your kids' best interest. He is looking out for himself.

You are obviously a bit... trusting... about financials. That's okay, a lot of women are. But it has to stop now. You cannot trust anything he says. You need professional help. YOU NEED A LAWYER.

If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your children. They deserve proper child support -- even if you're not willing to fight for the alimony you're clearly owed, fight for them.

+1. And you should fight for the alimony, too, because in the end it's really all money for you and the kids together. Because whatever shortfall exists will need to made up somehow or done without - while living in very diminished circumstances.

Alimony isn't charity. It's recognition that you've been holding up your end of your marriage's bargain, which is that you would stay home and raise the kids - unpaid but very real work. If it helps, consider it payment for your years of unpaid contributions, a supplement to your reduced earning power due to being out of the workforce, and assistance urgently needed due to your husband's unilateral decision to divorce. Because that's what it is. Not some antiquated, chauvinistic handout. That's BS men's-rights propaganda. You need it to get back on your feet and back in the workforce, and your kids need it because how else are three of you going to pay rent and eat while you're in school or job hunting!?

What your husband has proposed is unconscionable. I think you must be in shock to even be considering it, but hopefully that will wear off sometime right about...now.