Getting seperated...what is fair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, don't get caught up in the lawyer b-s that so many are advocating. It will be expensive and confrontational and you may not even end up ahead.

Go with the suggestions that other PPs have made about using a mediator. Be aware that there is a lot of animosity towards men on this forum by women who have an agenda. You want to ensure you are treated fairly and getting every single dollar that you are entitled to is less important than making it a non-confrontational divorce which will just rack up massive legal fees.

HAHAHAHAHA. Hi, OP's husband -- or someone else who's trying to pull a similar fast one on his soon-to-be ex-wife.

OP, he has offered you such incredibly rotten deal that you can't fail to do better by going the full lawyer route. If he had offered you something halfway fair, there might be hope that mediation would work. But he is so out to lunch regarding what he owes you… Don't bother.

Another frustrated woman who likes to just create animosity and confrontation.

OP, it may turn out that you need a lawyer but before you get to that point see whether a mediator can help. A good lawyer will cost you $500 an hour and whether you end up paying it or it comes out of your joint assets, it will end up impacting what you get in the end. If your husband also retains a lawyer which he would inevitably do if you retain one, then you are looking at spending $1000 an hour between you both and that adds up fast.

Why are you so invested in scaring her away from seeing a lawyer who will look out for her interests? She can find one for way less than $500/hr in MD. I think that "what she gets in the end" is going to be a hell of a lot better if she goes the lawyer route then if she allows this guy to browbeat her in mediation.

See a lawyer and find out what you're entitled to, legally. Then you can go into mediation armed with that knowledge -- but if he starts out by offering you $1k/mo, I'm not optimistic that he is either dealing in good faith or realistic about what you're owed. Yeah, sure you can give mediation a try, but I'm not holding my breath. He's clearly not reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Child support should be much higher. You need to do a calculator online and speak to the child support office or an attorney. My husband paid way more and made way less.

[Anonymous]

Get a lawyer. He is being sneaky.

[Anonymous]

BTW- you are able to pay for a divorce lawyer with joint funds so don't worry if you don't have a personal checking account.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$1500 a month for two kids is nothing. Get a lawyer, please!

Um, this $1500 for 2 kids is crap. My friend lives in DC and got $1800 for ONE kid using the calculator. She works full time ($65K) and he makes $130K.

Get.a.lawyer.

You will not have to go to court to fight it out. But you do need someone who will advocate for you.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Does your DH work in sales or law or some other related position? Because for him to lowball you with such an obscene initial proposal, then indignantly inch up to $1500k while acting outraged and berating you for your greed, pretty much smacks of hardball negotiation tactics. He starts with such a sh--ty offer that you're actually relieved and grateful for the second, slightly less but still really sh--ty offer. And then he has you where he wants you: paying you next to nothing, but leaving you thinking you've won something and making it so unpleasant for you that you just want it all to end already. It's textbook.

My prediction: Once he hears you're getting a lawyer, he will be terrified of having to pay you your due. He will change his tune and start offering more, in a desperate attempt to keep you from getting that lawyer. Anything he will offer you will be less than what you could get with a professional in your corner, so don't fall for it! He has shown his hand already. Get the lawyer first and don't let him talk you out of it.

[Anonymous]

This thread is the perfect example of why couples need prenuptial agreements.

OP, don't go into your next marriage without one!

[Anonymous]

So many responses to this thread would make it seem like this guy is some mastermind who makes millions per year. He's making $100k/yr which is seriously not very much.

Get what you can but make it as painless as possible.

[Anonymous]

OP again. I made an appointment with a lawyer. We are not trying mediation exactly. We will have our own lawyers but they agree to work together. We sign contracts to the effect that if it takes an ugly turn they can not represent us at a trial. DH insists that should his lawyer tell him he is dreaming that he will trust it. We'll see I guess. I told him that I would probably running our agreement by a regular divorce attorney, and that he can do the same.

[Anonymous]

OP, all of this division of money + assets may not be up to him and you to decide on. Ultimately it will be up to the judge when you are in divorce court.

Have you been married for at least EXACTLY ten yrs.? The reason I am asking is because if so, then you are entitled to alimony from your husband which will help you out financially so you will have more of a cushion to live on along w/your own work earnings. Also since you will have primary physical custody of the children, you should also receive a fair amount of child support as well.

It sounds to me as if your husband is trying to negotiate what you will and will not receive. I think this is all going to be better negotiated in a court of law.

I am sorry you cannot afford an attorney. Are there any legal services in your area that can provide legal assistance for you if you don't have the financial means to? Or is there any one in your family that can loan you the money?

I am truly sorry that things have gotten to this point. Emotionally I know you must be feeling so low, but like you stated, you also have to think practically as well and I commend you for taking the bull by the horns + keeping a clear enough mind to try to figure out a road map for you and your children's future.

I know it isn't easy at all and I wish you only the best in your future endeavors.

Hugs to you as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I made an appointment with a lawyer. We are not trying mediation exactly. We will have our own lawyers but they agree to work together. We sign contracts to the effect that if it takes an ugly turn they can not represent us at a trial. DH insists that should his lawyer tell him he is dreaming that he will trust it. We'll see I guess. I told him that I would probably running our agreement by a regular divorce attorney, and that he can do the same.

I'm really glad that you're seeing a lawyer (of your choosing, yes?) keep us updated. Sending you lots of good thoughts. You will come through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I made an appointment with a lawyer. We are not trying mediation exactly. We will have our own lawyers but they agree to work together. We sign contracts to the effect that if it takes an ugly turn they can not represent us at a trial. DH insists that should his lawyer tell him he is dreaming that he will trust it. We'll see I guess. I told him that I would probably running our agreement by a regular divorce attorney, and that he can do the same.

I'm really glad that you're seeing a lawyer (of your choosing, yes?) keep us updated. Sending you lots of good thoughts. You will come through this.

It sounds like you went the collaborative route anyway, OP? Oh well, we tried. I hope you and your kids come out OK. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I made an appointment with a lawyer. We are not trying mediation exactly. We will have our own lawyers but they agree to work together. We sign contracts to the effect that if it takes an ugly turn they can not represent us at a trial. DH insists that should his lawyer tell him he is dreaming that he will trust it. We'll see I guess. I told him that I would probably running our agreement by a regular divorce attorney, and that he can do the same.

With this approach, here's what's going to happen: the costs are going to add up quickly. Your anxiety about money is going to add another layer of pressure that will lead you to take whatever lump sum he offers you. It's not going to be a fair amount. You and your children are going to suffer.

You'd be wise to replace "probably" with "definitely" with regard to running your agreement by a regular divorce attorney.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you stay in the house with the kids, have your STBX own it and pay for it, while you pay the rent on a small apartment for him that he lives in? I don't see why you should not live with the kids in the house since he is expecting you to continue taking care of them until 9 pm every day.

[Anonymous]

If this was suddenly flipped and the OP was a man, would the advice be the same? Would people be telling him that the soon to be ex wife was trying to screw him over? Somehow, I doubt it.