Getting seperated...what is fair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would question any man that didn't want their kids 50% of the time out of the gate. If my DW wanted a divorce and said "I only want the kids every other weekend", I'd push for sole/legal custody and keep her away.

That's silly. I give credit to the man that says he isn't able to care for the kids full time, for whatever reason, like the mother can.

How are you not able to care for your children? They are your kids. It isn't an option. When you decide to have a child, you pretty much say I'm willing to do what it takes to take care of this child no matter what happens in life.

So any man willing to say "Hey my job and social life is more important than my kids, so DW can have them most of the time" is a shitty father.

Now if the courts decide it is in the best interest of the child to be with the mother most of the time, then so be it. But I'd be back in court a million times until I was given the right to see my child 50% of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people aren't fans of shuffling this kids back and forth 50 percent of the time. Sometimes a little stability is best for the kids, as opposed to trying to evenly divide them like they are integers.

It isn't that hard at all and is only an excuse. Get a place close to the other parent. On the way home, stop and pick up your child. In the morning take them to school or the bus stop.

These excuses are the same you hear from people who claim they don't have time for their kids so they rely on some nanny to do their job as a parent.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks everybody! I actually talked him up to $1500 from $1000 which is what he said he could afford to pay. It isn't that the process hasn't been frustrating. I am angry. I don't like fighting, but I can hold my own. I don't know that many seperated or divorced people (certainly not anyone I feel comfortable asking questions to), so I think I was more clueless than anything else. Also, he tried to convince me that I was greedy and crazy when I questioned things like alimony and retirement. I can probably get some money from family for a lawyer if I had to...any ball park figures out there? $275 at how many hours? Then if I need to how much to retain them? I was thinking if I had to go to my family for money that it would be better to scrape together a down payment for a new, more suitable place for our new life. Interest rates are low, and it might settle the matter more peacefully. The house really is a logistical and financial disaster. Needs a lot of tlc that I doubt I will have the time or money to attend. I checked what we still owe and our neighbors sold for about $40000 more than amount (same house in better shape). I will definately get an intial consult with though. Thanks so much for the encouragement, and thoughts. It really gave me a much needed boost!

[Anonymous]

OP again. Also, I really didn't want to give the impression that he doesn't want joint custody. He really loves them, and would never agree to anything in which he would go two weeks without seeing them. I don't want that either because they love him. I would be devasted to watch them waiting to see dis interested daddy. My reasons for wanting sole custody haveless to do with him being absent, and more his lack of ability to parent rather than be a buddy. He does not set or enforce rules, routines, or excercise much common sense. Both of my kids have issues that make this particularly important. Also, his judgement can be lacking in a perhaps unintentionable, but potentially dangerous way. He isn't exactly neglectful, but he does tend to do what is convenient for him. I also think it would be very difficult on my kids to go back and forth...not saying it doesn't work for many people it would be hard for them as individuals. Both have a tough time transitioning and making changes for different reasons.

Thanks again for all the advice and support. I will call that lawyer, and figure this out. I am really glad I asked!

[Anonymous]

Nothing is "agreed" unless it is a legal document. Stop wasting time. Get a lawyer. What a waste to be on a message board asking what is "fair".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everybody! I actually talked him up to $1500 from $1000 which is what he said he could afford to pay. It isn't that the process hasn't been frustrating. I am angry. I don't like fighting, but I can hold my own. I don't know that many seperated or divorced people (certainly not anyone I feel comfortable asking questions to), so I think I was more clueless than anything else. Also, he tried to convince me that I was greedy and crazy when I questioned things like alimony and retirement. I can probably get some money from family for a lawyer if I had to...any ball park figures out there? $275 at how many hours? Then if I need to how much to retain them? I was thinking if I had to go to my family for money that it would be better to scrape together a down payment for a new, more suitable place for our new life. Interest rates are low, and it might settle the matter more peacefully. The house really is a logistical and financial disaster. Needs a lot of tlc that I doubt I will have the time or money to attend. I checked what we still owe and our neighbors sold for about $40000 more than amount (same house in better shape). I will definately get an intial consult with though. Thanks so much for the encouragement, and thoughts. It really gave me a much needed boost!

This isn't about what he can "afford". Child support is about what the children need and what they have a right to expect based on his income level. When a person wants to divorce, they should expect that their style of living will decrease. It is more expensive to support two households. Child support is not just based on the income of the parents, but also the medical and educational needs of the child. You should be considering the kids total needs through college.

Most divorce attorneys charge $250 -500+ an hour. It depends on whether you are using a partner or associate, big firm/small firm, etc.

He is the one who is greedy and crazy to expect you to have worked to take care of the kids and leave the marriage with nothing to show for it.

[Anonymous]

Do not move out and do not sign anything until you have consulted a lawyer. You are about to get screwed. He has racked up debts unknown to you (and probably spent on another woman) and now you have to give you your home in exchange for not taking HIS debt??? That is nuts. Please consult a lawyer ASAP.

[Anonymous]

OP, don't get caught up in the lawyer b-s that so many are advocating. It will be expensive and confrontational and you may not even end up ahead.

Go with the suggestions that other PPs have made about using a mediator. Be aware that there is a lot of animosity towards men on this forum by women who have an agenda. You want to ensure you are treated fairly and getting every single dollar that you are entitled to is less important than making it a non-confrontational divorce which will just rack up massive legal fees.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everybody! I actually talked him up to $1500 from $1000 which is what he said he could afford to pay.

Holy shit. He is living in fantasyland. Does he think you're stupid? Back away slowly and get yourself a lawyer. Don't waste one more minute "talking him up."

He's in for a bit of a wake-up call. I don't envy the lawyer who gets to tell him what his future finances are actually going to look like.

In short, the law is much more concerned with both your welfare and your kids' welfare than your husband is. Do not agree to "collaborative" anything unless you have a good lawyer telling you that what you're agreeing to is as good as you could get in court.

Even if you guys have to cram into an apartment for a few years while you pay back money you borrowed for the lawyer, it will be totally worth it. You can't afford to get this wrong, literally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, don't get caught up in the lawyer b-s that so many are advocating. It will be expensive and confrontational and you may not even end up ahead.

Go with the suggestions that other PPs have made about using a mediator. Be aware that there is a lot of animosity towards men on this forum by women who have an agenda. You want to ensure you are treated fairly and getting every single dollar that you are entitled to is less important than making it a non-confrontational divorce which will just rack up massive legal fees.

HAHAHAHAHA. Hi, OP's husband -- or someone else who's trying to pull a similar fast one on his soon-to-be ex-wife.

OP, he has offered you such incredibly rotten deal that you can't fail to do better by going the full lawyer route. If he had offered you something halfway fair, there might be hope that mediation would work. But he is so out to lunch regarding what he owes you… Don't bother.

[Anonymous]

Too late to do anything about it now but this is the reason why a prenup is an absolute requirement today before a couple gets married.

It would save both sides a lot of hassle, legal fees and both sides know what the end result will be. Above all, one can enter into the agreement while the relationship is still amicable.

[Anonymous]

If OP knew along that her husband would up and leave her she would have been working to provide her own, specific retirement. Instead, it was understood, as it should be, that she would retire with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, don't get caught up in the lawyer b-s that so many are advocating. It will be expensive and confrontational and you may not even end up ahead.

Go with the suggestions that other PPs have made about using a mediator. Be aware that there is a lot of animosity towards men on this forum by women who have an agenda. You want to ensure you are treated fairly and getting every single dollar that you are entitled to is less important than making it a non-confrontational divorce which will just rack up massive legal fees.

HAHAHAHAHA. Hi, OP's husband -- or someone else who's trying to pull a similar fast one on his soon-to-be ex-wife.

OP, he has offered you such incredibly rotten deal that you can't fail to do better by going the full lawyer route. If he had offered you something halfway fair, there might be hope that mediation would work. But he is so out to lunch regarding what he owes you… Don't bother.

Another frustrated woman who likes to just create animosity and confrontation.

OP, it may turn out that you need a lawyer but before you get to that point see whether a mediator can help. A good lawyer will cost you $500 an hour and whether you end up paying it or it comes out of your joint assets, it will end up impacting what you get in the end. If your husband also retains a lawyer which he would inevitably do if you retain one, then you are looking at spending $1000 an hour between you both and that adds up fast.

[Anonymous]

OP, is your husband violent? Mine threatened to kill himself, me and my child if I did not lower the child support during a bout of his regular depressions. I agreed, not worth our lives. Just make sure you are safe.

[Anonymous]

The debts, surreptitiously accumulated behind OP's back in the year or years before her husband announced divorce, are huge red flags. There's probably more going on there than meets the eye. Hiding money, borrowing from Peter to pay himself, probably planning this debt strategy for some time to pressure her to let him keep the house...who knows what he's been up to. Someone needs to be going through his expenditures carefully to see where the money has REALLY gone. A separate, secret bank account, in DH's name alone and unknown to OP, would be one guess. Girlfriend would be another.

I would question everything he says about everything at this point.