Getting seperated...what is fair?
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Anonymous
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DH just told me he wants a divorce after 10 years. I am devastated...for me and my kids. However, it looks like he is going through with it, and my concerns have to turn to the practical. I was on bed rest for both pregnancies, and alternated between full, part-time, and SAHM as circumstances warranted. I am currently working part-time. I have no money for a lawyer, and make less than $20,000 per year. Now that my situation will be changing, I will, of course, now be trying to get full time hours or a second job. He makes just over $100,000. I will have full custody of the 2 kids (he's agreed to every other weekend and 8- 4 hour visits per month). What is fair for child support? I can not afford the house which is just barely out from underwater (we would lose the 100,000 put down on it by selling now). He offered to keep the house in exchange for taking all the debt. I was unaware that we had racked up so much debt, but apparently he took loans I was unaware of...we have had many expenses this year. Some of this debt though I feel are expenditures that he made that I did not approve of at all or was lied to about their cost. However, walking away without having to split over $30,000 in debt sounds pretty okay right about now. I also am concerned about my retirement... since I have been primary caregiver, and not always working the past 9 years of the marriage. He also have always contributed the max to his plan. Is there a way to equitably figure this out? I just want what is fair and to be done with it. I am so stressed trying to figure out how I am going to make this work, and deal with the emotional part. Help me please!
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Anonymous
| This is going to get dirty but try to settle things without a lawyer if you can. Lawyers rack up the bills big time. Courts decide child support, you do not have to. You also do not need a lawyer for that. They simply calculate each others earnings and come up with a number. Why do you think you should get his retirement? He worked for it, it is his. Keep it simple, because in the long run, you could get burned. |
Anonymous
| How old are your children and is there a possibility that he cheated? |
Anonymous
In most states, it belongs to both of them, 50/50. Just like the debt, even though he ran it up. OP, you need a lawyer to figure out property division. Sometimes the parent with primary custody gets to keep the house until the kids are a certain age in order to provide the kids with stability. You might also get temporary alimony until you find a full time job. Don't give up the house so easily. |
Anonymous
| Get a mediator that specializes in divorce. You will want to iron out the custody, visitation, holidays, paying for extras like camp, health insurance, etc. |
Anonymous
No no no no. why would she get burned? she deserves part of it because he was able to sock away at the max (and get matched, probably)-while racking up joint debt--while she reduced hours and pay and ability to save for retirement to stay home and raise kids and run the household. This is how she gets screwed. Maybe he's been planning for divorce--he's managed to contribute to his retirement to the max, but has racked up mutual debt that he's now willing to take on in exchange for the house? NO NO NO. OP, is ALL the debt accounted for? Are you sure he's not been socking away money? You may think it is impossible that he'd do that, but anything is possible. OP, you need a lawyer and financial disclosure. as for child support--the courts may determine that but a good lawyer will negotiate a lot for you. You can't afford NOT to have a lawyer. If you want to get an idea of what you might get, there are child support calculators online for some states (including DC). |
Anonymous
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Please get a lawyer and don't let him call the shots. Get to the bank and understand your $$$$ with a manager. Confide in family, and ask for legal bills support. Do not let him get the house. He's duping you. How much debt could you have? The house has equity in it. Make sure you understand the value of your house. It should be split 50/50.
Since you've been married 10 yrs your children are likely 9 and under. Definitely get a second job. But do everything thru a lawyer. He sounds controlling and like he's in charge of all the major decisions. |
Anonymous
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OP here. Thanks for the responses. We have ironed out a bunch on our own. We used the online calculator to come up with $1500 in child support with the kids on his insurance and me on my own insurance. Does this seem about right?
We are trying to do collaborative divorce due to the finances and children involved. It has not been easy. His first idea was that I would move out and I would watch the kids for him until he could get home (sometimes not until 8 or 9 when he plays sports or whatever). Then, pick them up to go to school the next day. Basically, I was supposed to continue catering his schedule (raising the kids as usual), but also get a second job and live elsewhere. I don't suspect a physical affair, because he most of his outside activities are with men we both know. However, I recently found out that he has been keeping in touch with an old girlfriend who lives far away. While hurtful that he lied and hid it, I don't think it really matters at this point. On the retirement point, I just wanted to say thayt I am not out for anything that is his. Yes, he earned it at a job that compensates him for his work. There was a year, aside from my bed rest pregnancies and maturnity leaves, that I stayed home for various reasons. We have a child with some special needs and the cost of a private special preschool was as much as I made. I have a background in this, so it made sense for me to stay home. I worked harder during that year than any year of my life. My husband has been apart of these decisions and OUR children benifited. There were times when I did work full time. However, as a natural consequence of taking time off or going part-time, my earning power and retirement has suffered. It did not seem like a huge sacrifice to me when the idea was that we both would have the comfort of his retirement (which we have always put more into). We have never had to pay childcare, and he benifited from my contributions to the household (saved on expensive interventions with my son). It just seems unfair that the rules of the game should change in the middle. I am not asking for half his retirement, but a portion based on the length of our marriage. |
Anonymous
This. And sit down with a long-range calender to do this. |
Anonymous
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Ok again. Thanks everyone. To clarify about the house, we bought during the peak, and it lost a lot of value. We would not even get back what we put down. In fairness, we got the down payment from the condo he bought before we were married. We were only married for one year out of the two years he owned the condo, and it was in his name. Our mortage now is in his name only, although the deed is in both. To be honest, the house is the least of my priorities, and it would be very hard for me to afford and maintain alone. Not just the mortage, but the upkeep and repairs. Neither of us is really attached to the house really. The neighborhood seems to be declining a little, and one child had a really horrible time getting the special ed provided at our local school. We would probably get a third of what we put down on it if we sold it now. I am not sure what to do with it.
I guess I should talk to a lawyer. Does anyone know about the collaborative divorce. My husband says we would each have a lawyer but that they would work together. Is this bogus? Will we get something fair? I don't want to get screwed, but I don't want a big ugly battle either. My kids don't deserve it. |
Anonymous
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Oh my god. I'm begging you to get a lawyer. I just did a quick MD calculation and came up with over $2k WITHOUT adding many expenses.
He is trying to screw you. Don't allow yourself to be threatened by the debt. Please please do whatever you need to do to pay for a lawyer. I bet he's hoping you don't notice that you're likely also entitled to alimony. |
Anonymous
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You should probably get some of that retirement. I'm not sure how to fairly calculate what would be yours though.
If he was putting money into it before you were married, does he have to share the gains from that portion? It seems like that should be his. Maybe you can just split the contributions and gains from the money that he put in while you were married. You sound like you are trying to be reasonable, OP. Hopefully good karma will repay you with a good, new husband. 
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Anonymous
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P.S. You are absolutely entitled to some of "his" retirement. Absolutely.
PLEASE GET A GOOD LAWYER. For your sake and the kids' sake. You know what will traumatize them? Growing up in poverty while their dad has a good time. |
Anonymous
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OMG, he is so trying to screw you.
Get a lawyer pronto. At the very least you need to see his credit report and yours to identify all the debt. You are due half of his retirement income; he was able to work b/c you took care of the household and kids for him. Period. And playing sports till 8-9, from what you describe you are dealing with narcissist and you seem to be taking abuse too easily. I would actually recommend seeing a therapist on your own to work on valuing yourself and the life that you want to get for your kids. AND KEEP THE HOUSE BUT LET HIM PAY FOR IT. The alimony and child support should likely be able to provide enough for you and the kids to live there if he was planning to carry it on his own. You could always rent out a room to a female grad student or something, which is far from the worst thing you could find in some random apartment. If you keep the house, kick him of the deed (but you can probably keep him on the mortgage if he agrees to that). But you need a lawyer. Stat. |
Anonymous
Have you seen the financials firsthand? Do not trust what he's telling you. See everything for yourself. And beg, borrow, or steal to pay for a lawyer. This guy is not dealing in good faith. You have to loom out for yourself and your kids. I'm so sorry, OP. You will survive. |