Perspecitive from the mother of a very popular teenage boy or girl.
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Anonymous
| Not OP but PP 13:21, that's a really great story. Thanks for posting. |
Anonymous
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DD is in college now, but was very popular all through school. Even now, when she's coming home the phone starts ringing nonstop a day before she arrives.
It was exhausting and noisy. DD felt stress, I think, trying to balance what everyone wanted of her. Even in first grade, I remember the teacher pulling me aside after school one day to assure me she didn't send DD to the back of the group to punish her, but because other girls were fighting over who got to sit next to her. Sometimes in high school I'd take DD shopping and a random GROWN MAN would say hi to her and when I'd ask who that was she'd tell me, "Oh, that's Sara from camp's uncle's friend's coworker." She just knew EVERYONE. But, sometimes she'd talk to me late into the night about problems her friends were having and how sometimes she worried they were making up awful things just to get her attention, but accusing someone of faking being molested was a big step to take. People took it very personally if she didn't go to someone's party. Once she broke her arm on the same day she came down with bronchitis and stayed home watching movies on the couch, and a girl called hysterically screaming, "You could have just laid on MY COUCH! Everyone was coming because I told them you'd be here and then you didn't show; you humiliated me!" So although she had a lot of friends, there was also a lot of pressure. My boyfriend and I had a LOT of talks with DD about people using people, having firm boundaries, etc. Your girl is a happy introvert, OP. Let her be. |
Anonymous
I applaud your courage is writing this. I wanted my DDs to be the most popular also. Like another poster, I have two. The more popular one (who is not as popular as she would like) spends an endless amount of time on these little things. A lot of it seems like a waste of time to me. The other popular girls are not very nice, and there is constant pressure to be "richer" something we can't accomplish just because she would like us to! And it gets expensive buying all that conforming stuff. Another downside is that girls she does not want to be friends with want to be friends with her. That gets awkward, because the cliques are set up to exclude, not include. She does not want not to be nice, but neither does she want to be pushed out of her clique. I know I will get flamed for this, but their motivation is to be popular, not so much to be friends with DD. My other DD spends a LOT of time studying, or else doing a sport. She does seem happy but I wonder if she will ever get her head out of her book. |
Anonymous
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OP I give you credit for vocalizing and coming on a subject most moms especially are reluctant to discuss, this is something at the forefront of nearly every girls mother, I promise even if we don't admit it. In fact I laugh writing because most who know me would be shocked that their strong, able go to friend (me) is actually vulnerable like everyone else and a little at times worried about her daughters "social standing" .
Admittedly i am more involved inner life than I should be. I cannot help it, shes my baby, my two older boys are away at school and I really enjoy living a little through her! There, I admit it! And let me tell you there are many mothers like myself (a professional) who are very much this way too though few would admit it. My D was a very popular girl until 10th grade. Seh had to miss 2 months of school due to illness, when we returned somehow it was not quite the same. She was replaced by a former best friend as the new "queen bee" who also started going out with my D's previous bf! Talk about feeling replaced. Since then she is back "in the group" (she is a junior now) but now the ruler of the group, more like a member. Its "the" group to be a part of at her very competitive private school and I can see she i always worried about her standing and on occasion talks to me about it. There is a lot of pressure to know that's invited to all the things everyone else is, to look a certain way, to make the right teams/clubs, its quite a web of almost cult like behavior and to conform is a tremendous amount of work, both mentally and emotionally. I personally cannot wait until she graduates for this reason alone! My boys were much easier! So OP bottom line is MOST mothers feel insecure in some way about their kids, are they popular enough, well liked enough, smart enough, cute enough, wearing the right clothes,etc.....it goes on. Best thing we can do is just be there for them and offer our support in an unconditional way through the good, bad and ugly. Sometimes I wish my daughter was in the "lower rung" social group....less pressure! |
Anonymous
| Very sorry for the typos doing this on my sons old laptop and not doing it very well, its the PP |
Anonymous
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OP, my wise German mother told me about popular girls vs. not so popular girls this way- there are many many varieties of flowers, all are beautiful. Some are fussy, fragile, high maintenance and multi layered,(peonies aka the popular girls) others are strong, sturdy and simple the daisy (the less popular girls). All need love water and attention to grow and thrive.
Water your daisy and shower her with love. She will blossom into the young adult she is destined to become. I assure you. |
Anonymous
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OP,
If she's happy, why would you change her? I was the introvert with just a few friends in high school and my children will likely end up like me. I would not know what to do if they were not! We are picking up on your feelings that being very outgoing and social is somehow "better", which is really silly, as you should know. So accept the lovely daughter you have, and be assured she will do great. By the way, I agree with the post below. It can be exhausting and tiresome being Queen Bee.
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Anonymous
I love this and will share it with my daughter. I was not a popular girl but was well liked and had a small group of friends, we were all band geeks. My D however 14, is not only very popular but is obsessed with her "status:" as being so. I am totally at a loss in this world and its probably better because I do not get very involved in her daily drama with her friends and boys, etc.....phone doesn't ring often because I find kids don't use the phone anymore, they love to text and all plans are done via texting and other social mediums. Its a strange world. Somehow my husband and I made exceptionally great looking kids, neither of us are that great looking for don't ask, our kids look like models, Everyone tells us this, you can sometimes see people looking at us then them wondering where they got their looks (sometimes I do too haha). As long as this popularity thing does not interfere with her performance in school and her generally happy state of mind I am OK with it. |
Anonymous
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OP I think I was a little like your daughter. I am a loner by nature as well. I'm introverted and reserved. However,
I've always had a small handful of very close friends (5-8) and this amount of intimacy/socialization has always completely satisfied me. I still had a "normal" teenaged experience - I was on the swim team in hs, joined a sorority in college, always had a boyfriend and a boy waiting in the wings, etc. But I still held myself back a little bit in large groups and in most relationships. I could have gone to more parties (and done the club scene more as a young adult) but it has never interested me. The point is, this was imposed by me on my environment rather than vice versa and it sounds like it is for your daughter as well. If she's happy, be happy for her and leave it be. |
Anonymous
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The important thing, and I think you are hopefully doing this, is to make her feel valued for who she is. I had times in school where I was really unpopular, completely ridiculed by the mean girls. This was from 5-7th grade. It hurt and still hurts to think about. My mom made home a cozy, warm, place where I could read and be who I was. She never asked why I didn't get invited to things and she knew I was having a very hard time at school. Flash forward a few years, and while certainly not a Queen Bee, I had a great group of friends and felt well-liked and comfortable with myself. I also have always had, and I think it was given my experience, a real "stand up for the little guy" attitude, and in hindsight I am thankful for my experiences as I think it make me more tender hearted and empathetic.
I will ache for my child if any of them go through the really mean kid junk (on either end of the spectrum). I see signs in one of potential "cool boy" syndrome and I see signs in another of being outside the circle quite a bit. That's ok, we will work with it and work to make sure they understand that kindness is a value in our household and we value how you treat others, and frankly your self, above all else. |
Anonymous
| Anyway, wouldn't you rather have her hanging out with the family now while you still have her at home than always off with friends/acting as if you embarrass her? She'll be off to college in four short years. |
Anonymous
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In our school it played out like this: Alpha, the popular girl, her Bf Beta and everyone else was a little gamma. Alphas mom would do ANYTHING to push her DD forward (PTA, room mom, live at the school fund raise, buy ridiculously expensive outfits and adult trends -- an dance mom worthy performance). Alpha, over a period of years went from being a nice, likable girl to a mean, bossy and sour girl. Beta, her side kick was the "nice one", as she had Alpha doing the bossing and rule setting. The little Gammas ran around trying to please the two of them. Of course, the mothers did not love having their DDs be in 3rd place with these two girls so there was lots of mother daughter talks about how "just because Alpha says she is better than you doesn't mean she is" and so forth.
Finally all the little gammas got together and formed their own friendships. Once in awhile we see Alpha who still tries to be mean and bossy, but the former gammas just turn away. Beta seems like a very insincere flattering girl. But he two of them have each other. The gammas say, oh she's not popular anymore. They are all older now. I think it all would have gone better if the mom had stayed out of it. |
Anonymous
| Is it like this for the parents of boys wrt worrying about whether they're popular or not? |
Anonymous
| It's huge PITA. |
Anonymous
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I have a teenaged boy and girl. My so is extremely popular so I have never had to worry about him. He is very athletic and outgoing, so things just come naturally to him.
My D is very shy and studious, does not care to party and hang out the way most do. I have accepted this and they are each quite different yet are very close. My D is a freshman and my son a senior. I see the issues with popular girls and wouldn't' want it for anything! Be glad OP your sweet wallflower likes to be home, that she is happy and well adjusted I can almost promise you, that she will grow up to be a happy and secure person as long as she felt the love at home which it sounds like she does. I love that you spend a lot of time together over the weekends, that is very endearing. |