Perspecitive from the mother of a very popular teenage boy or girl.

[Anonymous]

I have three kids, my oldest is 14, a daughter. i am starting to see she is kind of a loner. She is well adjusted, is a happy kid, very artsy but just not super social. It does hurt me as I was very social growing up. The phone rarely rings and most weekends she is home doing things with us when I know many her age are off to malls, parties and such. The most important thing is that she is truly a happy kid and is as happy shopping with me or taking on a art project. Once in a while she will do something with a friend but its maybe one to two times a month. I am starting to accept it even though I badgered for a long time. I cannot lie it still bothers me.

Just wondering from a mother's perspective, what is it to be the mother of a very popular teen? Do you ever wish that was not the way or do you bask in the glory? Is it not all that its cracked up to be? Lonely at the top? Because its anonymous was hoping for answers to something I have always wanted to know, hopefully everyone can speak honestly. Is the phone constantly ringing and shes or he is always being asked to do this or that, and its you putting a limit to how much they do? Sometimes I wish I had that problem, other times I am thankful I just have a happy well adjusted kid even if she chooses to not have many friends. Thanks for indulging me

[Anonymous]

Mother of a 16 year old girl, super popular in her high school. I think there are inherent pressures on a very popular teen. If someone breaks up with her, she immediately feels pressured to have another bf. She always to keep her "posse" in check and to be sure she is still the queen bee. It is a lot of work and as a mother I would opt for a middle of the road kid over a very popular one. Its like in life the more you have the more need to maintain, ditto with popularity.

Also things come easy to her but one day they will not and that is going to be a tough time for her. Sometimes I think starting off with more challenges serves them better in the long run . Be happy your D is happy.

[Anonymous]

Maybe your daughter is an introvert while you are an extrovert. This means she's happy doing things by herself. She may even need a lot of down time just to recharge mentally.

That's OK! Read the book Quiet and you'll see that introverts can be movers and shakers in the world. Introversion can be a very good thing.

Your post reads a little oddly, what with the references to how it "bothers" you and to your missed opportunities to "bask in the glory."

Maybe try to reframe your view of her: it's not necessarily a "lack of popularity" but instead it's her personal choice, even an emotional need, to spend her weekends quietly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe your daughter is an introvert while you are an extrovert. This means she's happy doing things by herself. She may even need a lot of down time just to recharge mentally.

That's OK! Read the book Quiet and you'll see that introverts can be movers and shakers in the world. Introversion can be a very good thing.

Your post reads a little oddly, what with the references to how it "bothers" you and to your missed opportunities to "bask in the glory."

Maybe try to reframe your view of her: it's not necessarily a "lack of popularity" but instead it's her personal choice, even an emotional need, to spend her weekends quietly.

+1

[Anonymous]

I was an introvert in high school and had a mother like you who badgered me to go out more. I deeply resented her and became depressed because I felt like I let her down. I felt like I was such a disappointment to her. It has strained our relationship permanently. Luckily I had aunts who loved me and accepted me for who I was. I am now much closer o my aunts than my mom. Leave your daughter alone and be thankful or the daughter you have not the one you wished for.

[Anonymous]

Popular kids care way too much of what others think. That is not what I would want for my teen

[Anonymous]

OP is speaking honestly. Do not begrudge for it. I think its not abnormal to wish things for our kids that we THINK would make them happier, of course normally that is not the case!

I think as he gets older you will see her develop as a young strong adult and realize there is not one recipe for every creation!

Good luck, try to focus on her strengths not weaknesses that you perceive to be weaknesses. My own D has drama wherever she goes and its exhausting!

[Anonymous]

"bask in the glory", OP? Are you fucking kidding? You sound like one of those popular girls I went to HS with who is now living in our same shit town, with a shit job, and you look like shit. Meanwhile, many of my "loner" friends in HS are now doing amazing things with their lives and probably not focused on whether their kid is "cool" or not. Poor girl.

[Anonymous]

You do realize what kids get up to at the mall and parties, right? I'd be thankful my daughter was less likely to get into drugs and sex.

[Anonymous]

I'm so glad you posted this, I was thinking of posting something similar. I have a 15-year-old DD who is very content to spend lots of time alone. She has friends at school, but only occasionally socializes with them. She's definitely an introvert, but - like you, OP - I do find myself worried and badgering her a bit. I've got to lighten up, so I appreciate the reminder to do it. She does seem fairly happy, is doing well at school, and has interests. She just isn't comfortable taking the social initiative and doesn't seem to care. I have another DD who is way more social, but definitely not a Queen Bee. I'm not sure there is any right way to be!

[Anonymous]

My DD is very popular. She feels a ton of pressure to hold up her reputation -- any boyfriend she wants, top athlete, straight As, looking good each day with stylish outfits perfect hair. It would surprise others that she is very grounded and she knows should not "care" as much about some things but she doesn't want to "let down" the friends that made her the Queen bee. It is weird and at the end what she wants BUT it isn't all perfect in beautiful people land. Just be happy that your kid is happy. Really, it sound contrite but it is the truth. My other children are different than her and not as popular but I worry about them all the same. And also not sure what path is the best but each is their own that is what is special.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the pps, OP. I have 2 daughters (both in college now) but one was a social butterfly and very popular. The other (my younger dd) was never popular and only had 4 friends. She was (and is) a science nerd. If I were to summarize their experiences - in hindsight - I'd say my younger dd was the more well-rounded and happier high schooler.

my popular dd went through a nasty fight as a junior. when you're popular, every little thing matters - what parties you're invited to, who you go to events with, how you dress, etc. As a junior, she had a falling out with 1 of her "posse" (as the other pp referred to it). The "popular group" picked sides and jumped sides easily (one day they were on my dd's side, the next, on the other girls' side). It was hard to watch. My daughter would be heartbroken when she wouldn't be included in a group activity and it was stressful for her to watch what she said, who she sat with, what she wore, etc. beause people noticed and commented.

My younger dd OTOH, went through highschool with her 4 friends. Hardly went to parties - or the only parties were sleep-overs at the different girls' houses. They went to school dances and events as a foursome (rarely had any boyfriends). By the time senior year rolled around, she had such amazing memories and friends. She was happy more times than sad and never worried about her clothes, hair, parties, events, etc. In fact, since I was so used to the petty drama from my oldest, I asked her about being "left out" of this or that. She looked confused and said, "I'm not left out - I am going to everything I want to go to and I'm going with who I want." And when some of the group would have a falling out - it was weird, but none of the other group took sides. She mentioned once it was awkward because the other 3 would keep friendships with both fighting girls and none wanted to pick sides. Eventually, they'd make up and move on - something that never happened with my oldest.

Also, each girl in my youngest's group got these friendship memory books that I guess they all did - they collected pictures from their whole highschool (and middle school) lives and put in a book. She treasures that so much and my oldest was a bit sad when she saw it because she realized that even though she was "popular" the friends weren't as tight and she could (and did) lose them in an instant - something that would never happen to the youngest.

Like I mentioned, they are both in college now. You know what? My youngest is still besties with her little group. My oldest? Made new friends in college and doesn't keep in touch with the high schoolers as much. they'll see each other when they come home for Christmas or summer, but it's just different. Like "hey, good to see you, what's up" versus my youngest that can't wait to catch up with her "real" friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"bask in the glory", OP? Are you fucking kidding? You sound like one of those popular girls I went to HS with who is now living in our same shit town, with a shit job, and you look like shit. Meanwhile, many of my "loner" friends in HS are now doing amazing things with their lives and probably not focused on whether their kid is "cool" or not. Poor girl.

+1. Let your daughter be who she is and maybe you'll "bask in the glory" of actual success one day. People who peak in high school are losers.

[Anonymous]

Raise the daughter you have, not the one you want.

[Anonymous]

I don't begrudge you for your post because I guess it's a genuinely curious probe, but the way it's worded makes me feel sad for your daughter. It sounds as if you don't approve of her and that you wish she was different.