Perspecitive from the mother of a very popular teenage boy or girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The moms I have seen who care deeply about their Ds being popular -- in the traditional homecoming queen with a star athlete boyfriend -- are the ones who either had that themselves in HS and still define themselves by it or the ones who were no where close to popular or middle of the road and want their Ds in the cool crowd.

Let's be honest -- in an area where the adults have so much academic success, many/most were not the people who were popular in the traditional sense. They were too worried about getting their ivy acceptances so they could get out of their small towns, building a career that would allow them to acquire wealth/not return to their hometowns etc. It doesn't exactly go hand in hand with being star of the football team for most people -- though I do know a few exceptions. So now that they have kids and in this area -- many have money -- they are adamant that their kid WILL be cool/popular at all costs; at least that's what the PP's story about the lawyer mom who laid into her kid for not going out on Friday night and losing her standing makes it sound like. It's more about the mom than the kid.

Think that all depends. A lot of the men especially that we are around were probably average in school but real go getters,, total type A personalities, socially gifted and able to schmooze their way into anything, most were jock types and just got lucky, that same drive and ambition got them to be where they are today and they are expecting their own kids to follow suit. Then you have the highly intelligent ones who were not part of the in crowd and understand the value of education and have impressed this onto their own kids with little emphasis on social status.

I disagree. We don't live in NYC where finance is king and the frat-boy mentality is rampant. DC is very different and the nerds and cerebrals are very much adored and promoted. This is a great city for nerds. They run the place.

[Anonymous]

I live in Bethesda and do not agree with above sentiment. We have plenty (too many in fact) overgrown frat boys aka grown men now fathers who are instilling the same nonsense into their own kids. Apple is not falling far from the tree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Popular kids are definitely doing drugs, drinking, and having sex. I would prefer mine to be "average" or "unpopular". They really have a lot to manage when they get into stuff they are not ready for. Just adds to an already stressful time in life. I wouldn't want to revisit my adolescence for anything, or have to deal with being the parent of a popular kid. You are lucky, OP!

I deeply resent this comment. What an ignorant blanket statement! My D is a 16 year old honor student, straight A's, captain of two teams, as hard working as they come and very popular. She DOES NOT do drugs, believes in waiting until marriage to have sex rarely drinks. She does not do the party scene on a regular basis because she practices her sport early mornings on Sat. and Sunday ( a blessing in disguise). I really think you need to retract that statement, you might want to say "in your opinion, many popular kids,etc....." but to lump them all together and make it sound so matter of fact is crazy talk!

No, she's a jock. There's a difference between jocks and the popular kids.

My D is not a jock. She plays field hockey and runs track. She is athletic but very feminine. She I repeat is NOT a jock, IS very popular, possibly the most popular girl in her HS and I repeat DOES NOT do drugs, drink or have sex. Now stop spreading false statements. Please, as a parent you should be more responsible than that.

Who cares if she is a jock? You need to separate yourself from her and stop being so crazy.

+1. Being a jock is a bad thing? Why? This mom sounds like she fears someone might think her athletic daughter is a (gasp!) [/i]lesbian.[i]

This entire thread is incredibly disturbing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Like all of us, I worry about my son every single day.

Some of the things I worry about, I should worry about - he is a bit high strung, unorganized, and comes off as argumentative sometimes. These characteristics will make his life a bit harder, so I worry.

Some of the things I worry about really come down to - "if I were his age, I would be happier if X were true, but he doesn't do that" - he's more of a loner than I, he doesn't have the very tight circle of friends that were key to my high school happiness (I was far from the "popular crowd" but I did have a large circle).

When these worries crop up, I just repeat that mantra: I am not my child. My child is not me. I must raise the child I have, not the child I expected to have or wanted to have.

My kid couldn't give a rat's ass about popularity. I admire that, most of the time, but sometimes I forget to.

Nicely put.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have three kids, my oldest is 14, a daughter. i am starting to see she is kind of a loner. She is well adjusted, is a happy kid, very artsy but just not super social. It does hurt me as I was very social growing up. The phone rarely rings and most weekends she is home doing things with us when I know many her age are off to malls, parties and such. The most important thing is that she is truly a happy kid and is as happy shopping with me or taking on a art project. Once in a while she will do something with a friend but its maybe one to two times a month. I am starting to accept it even though I badgered for a long time. I cannot lie it still bothers me.

Just wondering from a mother's perspective, what is it to be the mother of a very popular teen? Do you ever wish that was not the way or do you bask in the glory? Is it not all that its cracked up to be? Lonely at the top? Because its anonymous was hoping for answers to something I have always wanted to know, hopefully everyone can speak honestly. Is the phone constantly ringing and shes or he is always being asked to do this or that, and its you putting a limit to how much they do? Sometimes I wish I had that problem, other times I am thankful I just have a happy well adjusted kid even if she chooses to not have many friends. Thanks for indulging me

I think you should be more than proud that you are raising a child that doesn't rely on the outside world to make her happy. High school is just a passing thing. She should be more focused on her education and creative freedom than what other kids her age are doing - and it seems like she is! Besides when you grow up you only have a few really close friends anyway...

Exactly. I can't think of anything I want more than for my children than that they have a solid moral compass, a good sense of themselves, and the courage to march to their inner drumbeats. Whether that makes them popular or not, I could not care less.

Yearning for validation from others is a sure road to neurosis and unhappiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I live in Bethesda and do not agree with above sentiment. We have plenty (too many in fact) overgrown frat boys aka grown men now fathers who are instilling the same nonsense into their own kids. Apple is not falling far from the tree.

+1. We don't have finance frat boys like NYC but we have a greater share of biglaw partner frat boys. Having dealt with both -- I feel like the NYC frat boys are truly frat boys in every sense and had the right social skills to get to where they're at, whereas many of the dorks in DC biglaw were never popular but now that they have professional status they use that as a "do you know who I am" type of conversation starter at any and all times. Nothing sadder than a 45 yr old wannabe frat boy who spends his time yelling at his junior associates at work and then bragging about it outside work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Popular kids are definitely doing drugs, drinking, and having sex. I would prefer mine to be "average" or "unpopular". They really have a lot to manage when they get into stuff they are not ready for. Just adds to an already stressful time in life. I wouldn't want to revisit my adolescence for anything, or have to deal with being the parent of a popular kid. You are lucky, OP!

completely agree

If you think the band geeks and theatre fads aren't having sex, you have another think coming.

[Anonymous]

-theatre fags

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Popular kids are definitely doing drugs, drinking, and having sex. I would prefer mine to be "average" or "unpopular". They really have a lot to manage when they get into stuff they are not ready for. Just adds to an already stressful time in life. I wouldn't want to revisit my adolescence for anything, or have to deal with being the parent of a popular kid. You are lucky, OP!

completely agree

If you think the band geeks and theatre fads aren't having sex, you have another think coming.

And then one time at band camp ...

[Anonymous]

I didn't read the responses.

I was a loner, an introvert. My mother didn't care one way or the other; she just wanted me to be happy.

Why do you care so much about your kid being popular?

I really hope you don't tell her that you are disappointed. I find it kind of disgusting that you "badgered" her about her lack of a hopping social life. It just seems really shallow.

I would far prefer my child have a few deep and meaningful friendships than be a social butterfly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Popular kids are definitely doing drugs, drinking, and having sex. I would prefer mine to be "average" or "unpopular". They really have a lot to manage when they get into stuff they are not ready for. Just adds to an already stressful time in life. I wouldn't want to revisit my adolescence for anything, or have to deal with being the parent of a popular kid. You are lucky, OP!

I deeply resent this comment. What an ignorant blanket statement! My D is a 16 year old honor student, straight A's, captain of two teams, as hard working as they come and very popular. She DOES NOT do drugs, believes in waiting until marriage to have sex rarely drinks. She does not do the party scene on a regular basis because she practices her sport early mornings on Sat. and Sunday ( a blessing in disguise). I really think you need to retract that statement, you might want to say "in your opinion, many popular kids,etc....." but to lump them all together and make it sound so matter of fact is crazy talk!

No, she's a jock. There's a difference between jocks and the popular kids.

My D is not a jock. She plays field hockey and runs track. She is athletic but very feminine. She I repeat is NOT a jock, IS very popular, possibly the most popular girl in her HS and I repeat DOES NOT do drugs, drink or have sex. Now stop spreading false statements. Please, as a parent you should be more responsible than that.

that you know of...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being popular takes a lot of time and energy. the popular kids in our school are not the sharpest blades in the shed. Sorry.

Think it depends where you go to school. In my kids classes some popular kids are brainy, some jocks, some funny, some really attractive or a combination of these. It's hard to generalize.

No actually it isn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Popular kids are definitely doing drugs, drinking, and having sex. I would prefer mine to be "average" or "unpopular". They really have a lot to manage when they get into stuff they are not ready for. Just adds to an already stressful time in life. I wouldn't want to revisit my adolescence for anything, or have to deal with being the parent of a popular kid. You are lucky, OP!

I deeply resent this comment. What an ignorant blanket statement! My D is a 16 year old honor student, straight A's, captain of two teams, as hard working as they come and very popular. She DOES NOT do drugs, believes in waiting until marriage to have sex rarely drinks. She does not do the party scene on a regular basis because she practices her sport early mornings on Sat. and Sunday ( a blessing in disguise). I really think you need to retract that statement, you might want to say "in your opinion, many popular kids,etc....." but to lump them all together and make it sound so matter of fact is crazy talk!

You're listing this like a virtue? She's 16. It's illegal. Rarely drinks, indeed. Better break out her Ms. Goody Two Shoes award.

Bet she's doing oral instead. Parents are so naïve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's fine to care about popularity -- you shouldn't want your kid to be left out. However, realize that there are different shades of popularity. Ultimately, I think HS is best/easiest for those who have a group of friends -- not huge but not just one other person either -- and an activity that they're committed to. Those kids always have people to hang with, people to go to events with, can call someone up when they're bored, and can party to the extent they want to -- maybe not the crazed frat party kind of partying, but they can invite 10-20 people over for a birthday and have a good time. Those kids generally seem more grounded and secure, as they know their friends don't like them because of their clothes or their relationship status.

The trickier road is for those who aspire to be truly "popular" -- part of the alpha group at their school, whether that consists of the athletes, the wealthy or whatever. It is a road that seems really glamorous as those are the kids with the best clothes/cars, always have boyfriends/girlfriends, are consistently on homecoming court etc. But the amount of drama that goes on is a time waster. In those kinds of groups friendships can be more fickle and can change in an instant -- so there's constant concern about how every little thing will be perceived; i.e. I have played flute since grade school and really want to try out for band but what will everyone say if I'm a band geek; or my bf just broke up with me -- I need another guy asap so everyone thinks it was a mutual break.

These are not the kinds of things that typically go hand in hand with top academics. Sure there may be 1 kid that has it all and can do all of the preceding while still acing 7 AP classes, but for most that kind of drama takes time and effort and does detract from school. I had plenty of these kids that I grew up with (and in my public high school -- the varsity football guys and their girlfriends ruled the school). 10-15 yrs after the fact many are still in our hometown, working for their dads' small businesses, and talking about their glory days.

If you're not happy with where you D is at (and tread lightly bc she IS happy) -- why not just encourage her to join an activity or two where she'll meet more kids? The time consuming activities tend to lead to tight groups of friends -- sports; newspaper/yearbook; band; youth group etc -- bc when you spend hours and hours with someone on a common endeavor, you may realize that you really like them as a person.

Agree completely. Of all the adults I have ever known, only two has both an Ivy education and was a star athlete. He is also an alcoholic whose drifted from job to job, doe not get along with the family, wife left him, no kids. So not really a success story. But he has the charm and leadership and brains that allowed him to do those things. Personal and professional life, not that great.
The other was a star athlete at Ivy, academically top and "popular" with a wide variety of people. He committed suicide at age 38.
Everyone else it was one or the other: either a serious sports star, or shining academically, because both are very time consuming. Particularly on the college level.

[Anonymous]

I think there are a lot of parents on this thread who have their heads in the sand. Seriously you need to get with the program.

Yes in the affluence circles particularly...many not all parents do care about the popularity of the kids, yes many of the "popular" and not popular kids are smoking, drinking,etc...at 16. Hooking up at 13 is de rigeour. Stop being so ignorant. If someone says rarely drinks, don't chastise her but accept it, yes for a 16 year old in today's ridiculous growing up way too fast world...rarely drinks IS an accomplishment. I am so sick of these parents who put this silly charade on like they are so shocked all this goes on....like they are appalled that parents care about their precious kids popularity. WELL NEWSFLASH...PEOPLE YES THEY DO!


My D a junior is neither here nor there, she is kind of in the middle, she would LOVE to be popular but in 11th grade is accepting her "position" in the pecking order and no longer seeks to join the "cool kids". Fine with me. But I don't for a minute kid myself into thinking because shes not with those kids, she isn't doing the things so many are, or that she doesn't care about being popular because she does and because I know its important to her....guess what I think about it too (but never let her know it). I cannot get over the ignorance of some of the parents here....