DH Rant

[Anonymous]

hey OP you just absolutely described my husband. your dream. he is also never home and when he is he is an ASSHOLE to me. in public he is charming and looks great on paper, but he puts family second and is never wrong. the grass is always greener.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:have you looked at yourself. you seem pretty damn assertive. perhaps you've damaged his self esteem. and no, I'm not trying to be a bitch. many times women with your traits look for men that they can tower over and control a little bit. then during marriage they let the woman lead and take over a bit. but now you are regretting it. try encouraging him and get over yourself a little bit.

I am not a ball buster and I am do not try to "control" him. As if I could. I do encourage him. I've done everything but put on a fucking cheerleading outfit and wave my pom poms. Same conversation over and over about all of his positive traits, accomplishments, etc etc and. . . .it's the same shit, different day.

I don't want a divorce. I have no illusions that any other man would be better. I just want to want sex with my husband instead of going through the motions like a chore. It's uninspiring and I don't feel the confidence there either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:hey OP you just absolutely described my husband. your dream. he is also never home and when he is he is an ASSHOLE to me. in public he is charming and looks great on paper, but he puts family second and is never wrong. the grass is always greener.

I'm sorry your husband is an asshole. That is admittedly a problem I do not have. But hell - isn't there some happy medium here?

[Anonymous]

you nailed it when you said you're losing it for him because you are moving ahead in your career and he isn't.

hypergamy is alive and well in your case.

oh and by the way, good luck finding all of those things in one man

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:you nailed it when you said you're losing it for him because you are moving ahead in your career and he isn't.

hypergamy is alive and well in your case.

oh and by the way, good luck finding all of those things in one man

So why try for one man?
Get your Alpha-dog FWB to dominate you.
And go home to your cuckold DH to serve you.
Have your cake, and enjoy it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:you nailed it when you said you're losing it for him because you are moving ahead in your career and he isn't.

hypergamy is alive and well in your case.

oh and by the way, good luck finding all of those things in one man

Why not? Men expect us to be perfect. Betty Crocker mixed with Norma Jean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd suggest you focus on the "good person, kind, thoughtful, generous, and wonderful friend and father" aspects of your husband. There are plenty of women on these boards who are married to successful rainmakers that cheat on them with hookers and strippers. Doesn't sound like your husband is that kind of guy.

No, he's not. And I know that. But, to be honest, the thought of getting in bed with him is just not a turn on anymore.

What is is that you find sexually attractive about the people you fantasize about? Since it sounds like your husband is perfectly comfortable talking about his issues, perhaps you could have an honest conversation with him about how you'd like him to be more ________ in the bedroom. An honest conversation about how you feel about your relationship. If he does not know that you miss X, Y, Z about your relationship, he cannot be expected to work on those aspects of it.

Honestly, you both sound depressed. You are feeling uninspired by your relationship and romantically estranged from your husband. He is insecure. Perhaps you should go to therapy, have a couples weekend, try new things together, etc.

Well yes, I am a bit depressed about it. We've made a huge move for the good of our whole family, I have an awesome job and am doing well, we have a healthy child, a beautiful house, etc etc and he is STILL not happy. I feel like he will never be happy. It's been two years of anxiety and unhappiness from him and I can't take it anymore. He's done therapy on his own. I've done therapy on my own. I'm trying. DH is trying (I think) but not as hard as he could. I can't have the same conversation about the same insecurities again. It's like fucking Groundhog Day.

What is it that I find sexually attractive about the person I fantasize about? He's educated, intelligent, handsome (so is DH), but he is also confident (DH is so not, and I'm at a loss for how else to help him that I haven't already tried). He knows his worth and he goes out and gets things done. He doesn't whine.

Ok, you get the irony here, right?

Having said that, maybe it's time to stop listening to him for an hour about his insecurities, since it doesn't seem to be helping. "DH, I'm hearing the same kinds of anxieties and insecurities over and over. It doesn't seem like venting is making you happy, and it's really draining me. Can we talk about what you're going to do about it?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:have you looked at yourself. you seem pretty damn assertive. perhaps you've damaged his self esteem. and no, I'm not trying to be a bitch. many times women with your traits look for men that they can tower over and control a little bit. then during marriage they let the woman lead and take over a bit. but now you are regretting it. try encouraging him and get over yourself a little bit.

I am not a ball buster and I am do not try to "control" him. As if I could. I do encourage him. I've done everything but put on a fucking cheerleading outfit and wave my pom poms. Same conversation over and over about all of his positive traits, accomplishments, etc etc and. . . .it's the same shit, different day.

I don't want a divorce. I have no illusions that any other man would be better. I just want to want sex with my husband instead of going through the motions like a chore. It's uninspiring and I don't feel the confidence there either.

OP, your first post made you sound like a huge bitch. Your follow up posts make you sound like a good support person who is tired of being SOLELY a support person. Does your husband provide emotional support to you?

I spent 7 years married to a man who I provided constant support to. I listened to all of his career woes, planned things with him, delighted in his successes and was generally by his side every step of the way. It was a one way street. My career, dreams, and needs were secondary. The things "we" planned were all his things. If I expressed a wish, it was greeted with skepticism.

Granted, your husband has different issues than my ex, but I totally sympathize with the exhaustion that comes from being the perpetual cheerleader and not having your needs met.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:you nailed it when you said you're losing it for him because you are moving ahead in your career and he isn't.

hypergamy is alive and well in your case.

oh and by the way, good luck finding all of those things in one man

Why not? Men expect us to be perfect. Betty Crocker mixed with Norma Jean.

And how is that working out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd suggest you focus on the "good person, kind, thoughtful, generous, and wonderful friend and father" aspects of your husband. There are plenty of women on these boards who are married to successful rainmakers that cheat on them with hookers and strippers. Doesn't sound like your husband is that kind of guy.

No, he's not. And I know that. But, to be honest, the thought of getting in bed with him is just not a turn on anymore.

What is is that you find sexually attractive about the people you fantasize about? Since it sounds like your husband is perfectly comfortable talking about his issues, perhaps you could have an honest conversation with him about how you'd like him to be more ________ in the bedroom. An honest conversation about how you feel about your relationship. If he does not know that you miss X, Y, Z about your relationship, he cannot be expected to work on those aspects of it.

Honestly, you both sound depressed. You are feeling uninspired by your relationship and romantically estranged from your husband. He is insecure. Perhaps you should go to therapy, have a couples weekend, try new things together, etc.

Well yes, I am a bit depressed about it. We've made a huge move for the good of our whole family, I have an awesome job and am doing well, we have a healthy child, a beautiful house, etc etc and he is STILL not happy. I feel like he will never be happy. It's been two years of anxiety and unhappiness from him and I can't take it anymore. He's done therapy on his own. I've done therapy on my own. I'm trying. DH is trying (I think) but not as hard as he could. I can't have the same conversation about the same insecurities again. It's like fucking Groundhog Day.

What is it that I find sexually attractive about the person I fantasize about? He's educated, intelligent, handsome (so is DH), but he is also confident (DH is so not, and I'm at a loss for how else to help him that I haven't already tried). He knows his worth and he goes out and gets things done. He doesn't whine.

Ok, you get the irony here, right?

Having said that, maybe it's time to stop listening to him for an hour about his insecurities, since it doesn't seem to be helping. "DH, I'm hearing the same kinds of anxieties and insecurities over and over. It doesn't seem like venting is making you happy, and it's really draining me. Can we talk about what you're going to do about it?"

Oh, I've said that. It doesn't go over well. He sees me as unsympathetic, which I'm not. And he was not forced into moving by some controlling shrew as you imagine. That was a decision we made, together, after a lot of discussion and discernment. Now I feel like I'm getting the guilt trip "you don't understand." Um, I do. I really do. The shoe was on the other foot about 10 years ago, and I made it work.

[Anonymous]

"lot of discussion and discernment" where you wore him down finally and he gave in?

[Anonymous]

Agree with PP. your rant about the lack of "manliness" or whatever was really off putting. But your follow up post makes a lot more sense. Dealing with depression and insecurity is tough. You need to figure out a way to change this dynamic, true, but framing it all as his problem with being too "beta" is a dead end.

I know someone who might be making the same kind of complaints as you. And it's justified to a certain extent: she is a hard driving rockstar who does amazing things. He is kind of a loser. BUT he is a perfectly lovely person, and her incredibly high standards and unreasonable perfectionism have really been hard and unfair on him. She either needs to work on accepting him, or they should just admit they are a mismatch and break up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:have you looked at yourself. you seem pretty damn assertive. perhaps you've damaged his self esteem. and no, I'm not trying to be a bitch. many times women with your traits look for men that they can tower over and control a little bit. then during marriage they let the woman lead and take over a bit. but now you are regretting it. try encouraging him and get over yourself a little bit.

I am not a ball buster and I am do not try to "control" him. As if I could. I do encourage him. I've done everything but put on a fucking cheerleading outfit and wave my pom poms. Same conversation over and over about all of his positive traits, accomplishments, etc etc and. . . .it's the same shit, different day.

I don't want a divorce. I have no illusions that any other man would be better. I just want to want sex with my husband instead of going through the motions like a chore. It's uninspiring and I don't feel the confidence there either.

OP, your first post made you sound like a huge bitch. Your follow up posts make you sound like a good support person who is tired of being SOLELY a support person. Does your husband provide emotional support to you?

I spent 7 years married to a man who I provided constant support to. I listened to all of his career woes, planned things with him, delighted in his successes and was generally by his side every step of the way. It was a one way street. My career, dreams, and needs were secondary. The things "we" planned were all his things. If I expressed a wish, it was greeted with skepticism.

Granted, your husband has different issues than my ex, but I totally sympathize with the exhaustion that comes from being the perpetual cheerleader and not having your needs met.

Well, I said it was a rant!

He is supportive of me. Very much so, and I have appreciated it all along. But any attempt to help him aside from ego-stroking is met with resistance and indignance. It's like talking to a teenager, and it's frustrating as hell. I am the kind of person that, after I've heard you vent about the same problem for the umpteenth time, will lose my patience. What are you doing about it? If the answer is not much aside from whining, it becomes harder and harder for me to be sympathetic. And yes, it is killing any romantic desire I once had.

I'll get slammed for this but I do think he feels inferior to me, not because that's my goal, but because I have more education and make more money (not a ton more, but enough). I bust my ass not just for myself but for my family, because we could never have afforded to have children unless I worked. I'm also not SAHM material. I would go nuts. What am I supposed to do? Stop working? Stop being successful? Act submissive and dumb to make him feel better? Seriously, I'm at a loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"lot of discussion and discernment" where you wore him down finally and he gave in?

Oh give me a break. He's gotten his way on a TON of our life decisions, because I compromised and then made the best of it. We were stuck for 10 years in a place I didn't want to be to move his career forward. It was finally my turn, for a great opportunity, and he admitted that. Now he's having to work hard to get his next opportunity and I'm supposed to cry? Welcome to my world for a decade! I think it's BS to agree to something and then make the other person feel awful for the impact on you. I didn't twist anyone's arm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"lot of discussion and discernment" where you wore him down finally and he gave in?

So the man should always get his way?