DH Rant

[Anonymous]

Gah! I love my husband - he is a good person, kind, thoughtful, generous, a wonderful friend and father. But he is SO fucking beta most of the time that it makes me want to scream. The more success I have in my career, the less patience I have for his status quo. He is moving up, but not as fast or as far as he could if he would stop being so GD self-deprecating and insecure all the effing time. I am not perfect in my career but I bust my ass, I'm creative, and most of all I'm confident. I think I've won jobs precisely because I'm confident and I know I inspire it in others. I just want him to be the same and stop the damned whining.

The upshot is that I have lost all sexual desire for him. I want a man who is an equal partner, comfortable folding laundry, doing dishes and handling childcare AND confident and successful in his career AND can sweep me off my feet and make love to me good and hard. It's just not happening. I look pretty good, take care of myself, and get noticed. I'm at the pont where my mind is starting to wander. I feel guilty about it but hell. . .a girl needs what a girl needs. I do NOT need a second baby to take care of.

Okay. Rant over. I know I'm not alone.

[Anonymous]

Cool

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gah! I love my husband - he is a good person, kind, thoughtful, generous, a wonderful friend and father. But he is SO fucking beta most of the time that it makes me want to scream. The more success I have in my career, the less patience I have for his status quo. He is moving up, but not as fast or as far as he could if he would stop being so GD self-deprecating and insecure all the effing time. I am not perfect in my career but I bust my ass, I'm creative, and most of all I'm confident. I think I've won jobs precisely because I'm confident and I know I inspire it in others. I just want him to be the same and stop the damned whining.

The upshot is that I have lost all sexual desire for him. I want a man who is an equal partner, comfortable folding laundry, doing dishes and handling childcare AND confident and successful in his career AND can sweep me off my feet and make love to me good and hard. It's just not happening. I look pretty good, take care of myself, and get noticed. I'm at the pont where my mind is starting to wander. I feel guilty about it but hell. . .a girl needs what a girl needs. I do NOT need a second baby to take care of.

Okay. Rant over. I know I'm not alone.

No one is perfect. You will find this first.

[Anonymous]

Just buy a strap-on, and take it to him.
If you want something done right, just do it yourself.

[Anonymous]

I'd suggest you focus on the "good person, kind, thoughtful, generous, and wonderful friend and father" aspects of your husband. There are plenty of women on these boards who are married to successful rainmakers that cheat on them with hookers and strippers. Doesn't sound like your husband is that kind of guy.

[Anonymous]

You have lost all sexual desire for someone you describe as "a good person, kind, thoughtful, generous, a wonderful friend and father" because you do not believe that he is moving up fast enough in his career? Do you work in the same place, that you know everything about his professional life and how he's executing it?

Does he currently do housework and childcare? Other than demand promotions at work to match your apparently awesome career, what could he do to please you, since "good person, kind, thoughtful, generous, a wonderful friend and father" is not cutting it?

[Anonymous]

I know no one is perfect. But I can't help that I've lost desire. I've got it for other people. What the hell am I supposed to do to get it back? He used to not be like this. I've been supportive, I've listened, I've been the cheerleader. I don't need another girlfriend to gab with, I need a man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have lost all sexual desire for someone you describe as "a good person, kind, thoughtful, generous, a wonderful friend and father" because you do not believe that he is moving up fast enough in his career? Do you work in the same place, that you know everything about his professional life and how he's executing it?

Does he currently do housework and childcare? Other than demand promotions at work to match your apparently awesome career, what could he do to please you, since "good person, kind, thoughtful, generous, a wonderful friend and father" is not cutting it?

Nix the whining insecurity? I'm sorry, but after an hour long session of playing therapist for his insecurities, I don't exactly feel juiced to hop in the sack. I just don't. I feel spent and not in a good way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know no one is perfect. But I can't help that I've lost desire. I've got it for other people. What the hell am I supposed to do to get it back? He used to not be like this. I've been supportive, I've listened, I've been the cheerleader. I don't need another girlfriend to gab with, I need a man.

I just do not understand what "like this" actually is. Your loss of desire is entirely related to him having a stable but not upwardly mobile career? You want to sleep with other people because your husband doesn't make as much money as you want him to?

Have you considered that YOU are actually the problem here, and that what you need is not "a man" but "A GRIP"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd suggest you focus on the "good person, kind, thoughtful, generous, and wonderful friend and father" aspects of your husband. There are plenty of women on these boards who are married to successful rainmakers that cheat on them with hookers and strippers. Doesn't sound like your husband is that kind of guy.

No, he's not. And I know that. But, to be honest, the thought of getting in bed with him is just not a turn on anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have lost all sexual desire for someone you describe as "a good person, kind, thoughtful, generous, a wonderful friend and father" because you do not believe that he is moving up fast enough in his career? Do you work in the same place, that you know everything about his professional life and how he's executing it?

Does he currently do housework and childcare? Other than demand promotions at work to match your apparently awesome career, what could he do to please you, since "good person, kind, thoughtful, generous, a wonderful friend and father" is not cutting it?

Nix the whining insecurity? I'm sorry, but after an hour long session of playing therapist for his insecurities, I don't exactly feel juiced to hop in the sack. I just don't. I feel spent and not in a good way.

Have you talked to him about how drained you feel? Have you been to therapy? Maybe he's depressed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd suggest you focus on the "good person, kind, thoughtful, generous, and wonderful friend and father" aspects of your husband. There are plenty of women on these boards who are married to successful rainmakers that cheat on them with hookers and strippers. Doesn't sound like your husband is that kind of guy.

No, he's not. And I know that. But, to be honest, the thought of getting in bed with him is just not a turn on anymore.

What is is that you find sexually attractive about the people you fantasize about? Since it sounds like your husband is perfectly comfortable talking about his issues, perhaps you could have an honest conversation with him about how you'd like him to be more ________ in the bedroom. An honest conversation about how you feel about your relationship. If he does not know that you miss X, Y, Z about your relationship, he cannot be expected to work on those aspects of it.

Honestly, you both sound depressed. You are feeling uninspired by your relationship and romantically estranged from your husband. He is insecure. Perhaps you should go to therapy, have a couples weekend, try new things together, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know no one is perfect. But I can't help that I've lost desire. I've got it for other people. What the hell am I supposed to do to get it back? He used to not be like this. I've been supportive, I've listened, I've been the cheerleader. I don't need another girlfriend to gab with, I need a man.

I just do not understand what "like this" actually is. Your loss of desire is entirely related to him having a stable but not upwardly mobile career? You want to sleep with other people because your husband doesn't make as much money as you want him to?

Have you considered that YOU are actually the problem here, and that what you need is not "a man" but "A GRIP"?

This has NOTHING to do with money. We are doing just fine. This is about him knowing he needs to make the next step and perseverating, and whining, a lot. Honestly, it's the lack of self-confidence that's killing my desire. Think about it - after you listen to your friend's problems for an hour or two, how do you feel? Whining about your problems does nothing. I want ACTION from him. How is he going to move forward?

[Anonymous]

have you looked at yourself. you seem pretty damn assertive. perhaps you've damaged his self esteem. and no, I'm not trying to be a bitch. many times women with your traits look for men that they can tower over and control a little bit. then during marriage they let the woman lead and take over a bit. but now you are regretting it. try encouraging him and get over yourself a little bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd suggest you focus on the "good person, kind, thoughtful, generous, and wonderful friend and father" aspects of your husband. There are plenty of women on these boards who are married to successful rainmakers that cheat on them with hookers and strippers. Doesn't sound like your husband is that kind of guy.

No, he's not. And I know that. But, to be honest, the thought of getting in bed with him is just not a turn on anymore.

What is is that you find sexually attractive about the people you fantasize about? Since it sounds like your husband is perfectly comfortable talking about his issues, perhaps you could have an honest conversation with him about how you'd like him to be more ________ in the bedroom. An honest conversation about how you feel about your relationship. If he does not know that you miss X, Y, Z about your relationship, he cannot be expected to work on those aspects of it.

Honestly, you both sound depressed. You are feeling uninspired by your relationship and romantically estranged from your husband. He is insecure. Perhaps you should go to therapy, have a couples weekend, try new things together, etc.

Well yes, I am a bit depressed about it. We've made a huge move for the good of our whole family, I have an awesome job and am doing well, we have a healthy child, a beautiful house, etc etc and he is STILL not happy. I feel like he will never be happy. It's been two years of anxiety and unhappiness from him and I can't take it anymore. He's done therapy on his own. I've done therapy on my own. I'm trying. DH is trying (I think) but not as hard as he could. I can't have the same conversation about the same insecurities again. It's like fucking Groundhog Day.

What is it that I find sexually attractive about the person I fantasize about? He's educated, intelligent, handsome (so is DH), but he is also confident (DH is so not, and I'm at a loss for how else to help him that I haven't already tried). He knows his worth and he goes out and gets things done. He doesn't whine.