I thought I'd made a new friend, but I guess I did not. Middle-age is rough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so the story of my life. I met a woman at the school who seemed like she really liked me. We worked together intensively on a volunteer project and then another one.
It then became clear that she acts like that to EVERYONE especially if she thinks you’ll be helpful somehow.
Like “do you have plans for spring break?” And she is super vague… turns out she’s going to London! I feel like a friend would want to talk about that. Or then she announced that she wouldn’t be meeting me at the gym anymore because she got a job. Never talked about the job hunting process or anything related to the job, or why she wanted it in the first place (her husband makes $$$$).
Just a lack of being real.

That is not a lack of being real. You could be talking about me, I don't like to discuss trips in detail with people. I'm sometimes afraid it comes across like bragging--and some places I've been to so many times for work or whatever they don't even strike me as particularly interesting.

My job hunting isn't something I discuss with anyone except DH. He makes $$$$, and that is not pertinent to my career. Not everyone discusses every little detail of their lives with everyone around them.

I completely understand this, I do this too with most people. but I was under the impression that we were becoming close friends. When it turned out we were friendly acquaintances the whole time. Just a different level of friendship than what I was hoping for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth are you faulting your new friend, if you know she didn't know about the party???

I feel DCUM has been overrun with stupid posts recently. Maybe they're all AI.

Did you read the post? Nobody is faulting the friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so the story of my life. I met a woman at the school who seemed like she really liked me. We worked together intensively on a volunteer project and then another one.
It then became clear that she acts like that to EVERYONE especially if she thinks you’ll be helpful somehow.
Like “do you have plans for spring break?” And she is super vague… turns out she’s going to London! I feel like a friend would want to talk about that. Or then she announced that she wouldn’t be meeting me at the gym anymore because she got a job. Never talked about the job hunting process or anything related to the job, or why she wanted it in the first place (her husband makes $$$$).
Just a lack of being real.

That is not a lack of being real. You could be talking about me, I don't like to discuss trips in detail with people. I'm sometimes afraid it comes across like bragging--and some places I've been to so many times for work or whatever they don't even strike me as particularly interesting.

My job hunting isn't something I discuss with anyone except DH. He makes $$$$, and that is not pertinent to my career. Not everyone discusses every little detail of their lives with everyone around them.

I completely understand this, I do this too with most people. but I was under the impression that we were becoming close friends. When it turned out we were friendly acquaintances the whole time. Just a different level of friendship than what I was hoping for.

I guess my point (that I didn't make very well) is that it doesn't preclude that I am or trying to become close friends. There are myriad other topics that I am or will discuss. Traveling maybe if/when I know the other person/family travels the same way or locations so I know it won't be taken the wrong way. You can see from the travel forum here that this is a huge continuum of travel experience and desires around here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This exact same thing happened to me years ago, with a baby shower. I was originally friends with the Mom, and introduced her to my Friend. Mom’s family threw her a surprise baby shower for her second baby, and I was invited but Friend was. Friend cut me off at the pass and was like, “I’m sorry you weren’t invited. Her mom found me on a Facebook comment and invited me.” At first I was appeased, but then I thought, even if that was true, why didn’t Friend ask if I was also going, and if she found out I wasn’t, why didn’t she suggest to Mom that I might also appreciate an invite?

It wasn't your friend's place to suggest who the Mom should or shouldn't invite to the shower, esp as it sounds like she didn't even know her and the invitation came via FB. Your Mom/baby shower friend obviously didn't dictate the list since it was a surprise.

None of this had anything to do with you.

Maybe this is why surprise parties suck. The hosts don't even know who to invite or who the friends are. Stop with the surprise parties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This exact same thing happened to me years ago, with a baby shower. I was originally friends with the Mom, and introduced her to my Friend. Mom’s family threw her a surprise baby shower for her second baby, and I was invited but Friend was. Friend cut me off at the pass and was like, “I’m sorry you weren’t invited. Her mom found me on a Facebook comment and invited me.” At first I was appeased, but then I thought, even if that was true, why didn’t Friend ask if I was also going, and if she found out I wasn’t, why didn’t she suggest to Mom that I might also appreciate an invite?

A surprise shower for a 2nd baby? Thrown by the mom's family? Those sound like tacky clowns anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Over the past couple of years, I've become friendly, or I thought friends, with a woman in my town. Our kids play on a sports team together and we have many mutual friends, and we also serve on a board together so we see each other routinely. We message regularly and have disclosed some important health stuff as well (we both have IBS and have swapped ways to struggle through it during flares). We hang out in large groups as well as a few smaller dinners. I thought we'd moved from "acquaintance" to "friend" territory.

Apparently, another friend threw her a surprise birthday bash this weekend -- photos showed up on my feed, and even my husband knew about it (he is friends with the woman's spouse). I wasn't invited. It stung. I think the host had control of the guest list (since it was a surprise, I'm confident my new pal didn't dictate the list), but I have to admit -- seeing a bunch of people I'm friends with at a party stung, as though I was back in middle school.
I will say, I don't know the host at all, but I am in the orbit of many of the guests, and I would have loved to celebrate my friend.
Or maybe we're not friends? I ran into her at the gym this morning and asked her how the party was, and she said, "I was so shocked!" It was pleasant, but clearly I wasn't...missed.

I hate the ambiguity of middle age "are we or are we not" friends. That's all. It can deflate even those of us who think we're "above". it all.

Since you asked her about the party, how do you know your friend didn’t think you simply couldn’t attend? She has no way to know you weren’t invited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so the story of my life. I met a woman at the school who seemed like she really liked me. We worked together intensively on a volunteer project and then another one.
It then became clear that she acts like that to EVERYONE especially if she thinks you’ll be helpful somehow.
Like “do you have plans for spring break?” And she is super vague… turns out she’s going to London! I feel like a friend would want to talk about that. Or then she announced that she wouldn’t be meeting me at the gym anymore because she got a job. Never talked about the job hunting process or anything related to the job, or why she wanted it in the first place (her husband makes $$$$).
Just a lack of being real.

That is not a lack of being real. You could be talking about me, I don't like to discuss trips in detail with people. I'm sometimes afraid it comes across like bragging--and some places I've been to so many times for work or whatever they don't even strike me as particularly interesting.

My job hunting isn't something I discuss with anyone except DH. He makes $$$$, and that is not pertinent to my career. Not everyone discusses every little detail of their lives with everyone around them.

I completely understand this, I do this too with most people. but I was under the impression that we were becoming close friends. When it turned out we were friendly acquaintances the whole time. Just a different level of friendship than what I was hoping for.

The whole "do you have plans?" while being vague about her own plans would make me wonder if she was fishing for a house or pet sitter. I've discovered that in recent years -- some neighborhood/school people will be very friendly and ask lots of questions, I'll naively think it's because they want to be friends, and it will turn out they are looking for favors, like they want someone to drive their kid to little League or they want to know if you are home in the afternoons in case they need someone to pick up their kid.

At first I was offended by this but now I'm better at spotting the difference between real "getting to know you" conversation and people pumping me for info they can use. The pointed questions while being vague about their own lives is a giveaway. Some people are just kind of users and see others as a means to an end. You have to learn to recognize and then not invest in them. At best it could be a mutually beneficial situation, but I ky if they have something to offer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This exact same thing happened to me years ago, with a baby shower. I was originally friends with the Mom, and introduced her to my Friend. Mom’s family threw her a surprise baby shower for her second baby, and I was invited but Friend was. Friend cut me off at the pass and was like, “I’m sorry you weren’t invited. Her mom found me on a Facebook comment and invited me.” At first I was appeased, but then I thought, even if that was true, why didn’t Friend ask if I was also going, and if she found out I wasn’t, why didn’t she suggest to Mom that I might also appreciate an invite?

It wasn't your friend's place to suggest who the Mom should or shouldn't invite to the shower, esp as it sounds like she didn't even know her and the invitation came via FB. Your Mom/baby shower friend obviously didn't dictate the list since it was a surprise.

None of this had anything to do with you.

Maybe this is why surprise parties suck. The hosts don't even know who to invite or who the friends are. Stop with the surprise parties.

DP. The surprise party actually makes me think this woman is kind of "high status" in OP's town, because I find the idea of a friend throwing a surprise party for an adult birthday party sort of extra and weird. Like I would HATE that for myself and feel weirdly beholden to whoever threw it. I think a surprise party thrown by a spouse would be okay. The friend throwing it and the woman being like "I had no idea!" just feels off to me.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t feel bad, OP. You don’t know the host. I would feel awkward attending a friend’s party if I didn’t know the person actually hosting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is so the story of my life. I met a woman at the school who seemed like she really liked me. We worked together intensively on a volunteer project and then another one.
It then became clear that she acts like that to EVERYONE especially if she thinks you’ll be helpful somehow.
Like “do you have plans for spring break?” And she is super vague… turns out she’s going to London! I feel like a friend would want to talk about that. Or then she announced that she wouldn’t be meeting me at the gym anymore because she got a job. Never talked about the job hunting process or anything related to the job, or why she wanted it in the first place (her husband makes $$$$).
Just a lack of being real.

It sounds like she was just being discreet or not wanting to talk about a job hunt until it was finalized? I wouldn’t want to tell people about interviews and things unless I knew I’d gotten the position, as I wouldn’t want to admit if I was trying for things and not getting the positions, or talk about why I’d turn them down if comp offer wasn’t right, or a million other reasons. I wouldn’t read this as the woman not wanting to be friends.

Another thing to consider is that she has picked up on your counting their money and didn’t want to give you extra data points by telling you about overseas travels or additional details to be showy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is on the host and not a reflection of your friendship.

I have a woman I’ve been friends with for 25 years, and I am confident that if her other friend group threw a party for her they wouldn’t think to invite me (or know how to contact me). It doesn’t mean she’s not my friend-just that I’m not friends with her other friends.

+1. I'm 52. I think as we get older, friendships absolutely get compartmentalized, and you really can't be upset that friends do things without you. IT IS okay to have these feelings. We all have them. It is just important not to internalize them or blame your friends for others inviting them to do things.

I have 4 women whom I think of as my besties. Only two of these women know each other and know how to contact each other. The other 2 know each other's names, but, I doubt could get in contact with any of the others. It is due to meeting these women in different stages of life and spreading around the DMV quite a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so the story of my life. I met a woman at the school who seemed like she really liked me. We worked together intensively on a volunteer project and then another one.
It then became clear that she acts like that to EVERYONE especially if she thinks you’ll be helpful somehow.
Like “do you have plans for spring break?” And she is super vague… turns out she’s going to London! I feel like a friend would want to talk about that. Or then she announced that she wouldn’t be meeting me at the gym anymore because she got a job. Never talked about the job hunting process or anything related to the job, or why she wanted it in the first place (her husband makes $$$$).
Just a lack of being real.

It sounds like she was just being discreet or not wanting to talk about a job hunt until it was finalized? I wouldn’t want to tell people about interviews and things unless I knew I’d gotten the position, as I wouldn’t want to admit if I was trying for things and not getting the positions, or talk about why I’d turn them down if comp offer wasn’t right, or a million other reasons. I wouldn’t read this as the woman not wanting to be friends.

Another thing to consider is that she has picked up on your counting their money and didn’t want to give you extra data points by telling you about overseas travels or additional details to be showy.

If you don't want to talk about Spring Break, don't bring it up and ask others their plans. These weird paranoia about money though is something else.

[Anonymous]

I think being friends in middle age doesn’t mean being invited to everything.
There are many more situational friendships, like I’ll go to the opera with one friend but not on an overnight trip as she is too chatty, things like that.
And the party thing could have been due to the host.
Yes the friend didnt say she missed you but maybe she thought you couldn’t make it

[Anonymous]

One person didn't invite you
The other person, it's reasonable to assume, would have liked you there

That's all Op

[Anonymous]

I have a friend whose other friends I don’t know. I was asked by her “if I wanted an invite to her baby shower”. Well, you either invite me or you don’t, right? And then I decide if I wanted to go? Or so I thought. Her logic was “maybe you don’t want to hang out with ppl you don’t know”.
That is to say, who knows whats on peoples minds