I thought I'd made a new friend, but I guess I did not. Middle-age is rough.

[Anonymous]

Like others have said, I’d chalk this up to a host issue and not let this get in the way of a friendship you enjoy. Also, I think it’s okay at this point in life to have different circles/levels of friendship. Not everyone is going to consider you their closest friend and that isn’t a reflection on you.

I have a story for you though. When I was new mom I had recently moved to a new part of town. I went to a new mom’s meetup and started to become friendly with another mom to the point she suggested meeting up to go on a walk. I was so excited to have a new friend, but then she spent the whole walk talking about Beach Body, trying to sell me shakes to “help lose the baby weight.” I realized this was likely just an MLM strategy to expand her customer base.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Over the past couple of years, I've become friendly, or I thought friends, with a woman in my town. Our kids play on a sports team together and we have many mutual friends, and we also serve on a board together so we see each other routinely. We message regularly and have disclosed some important health stuff as well (we both have IBS and have swapped ways to struggle through it during flares). We hang out in large groups as well as a few smaller dinners. I thought we'd moved from "acquaintance" to "friend" territory.

Apparently, another friend threw her a surprise birthday bash this weekend -- photos showed up on my feed, and even my husband knew about it (he is friends with the woman's spouse). I wasn't invited. It stung. I think the host had control of the guest list (since it was a surprise, I'm confident my new pal didn't dictate the list), but I have to admit -- seeing a bunch of people I'm friends with at a party stung, as though I was back in middle school.
I will say, I don't know the host at all, but I am in the orbit of many of the guests, and I would have loved to celebrate my friend.
Or maybe we're not friends? I ran into her at the gym this morning and asked her how the party was, and she said, "I was so shocked!" It was pleasant, but clearly I wasn't...missed.

I hate the ambiguity of middle age "are we or are we not" friends. That's all. It can deflate even those of us who think we're "above". it all.

You didn't know the host, and that is why you weren't invited. It really doesn't reflect at all on your friendship. If you enjoy this woman's company, just keep being friends.

If you are upset about the group dynamics, that is a different story. You have to queen bee their asses if you want everyone to know this is YOUR bestie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Over the past couple of years, I've become friendly, or I thought friends, with a woman in my town. Our kids play on a sports team together and we have many mutual friends, and we also serve on a board together so we see each other routinely. We message regularly and have disclosed some important health stuff as well (we both have IBS and have swapped ways to struggle through it during flares). We hang out in large groups as well as a few smaller dinners. I thought we'd moved from "acquaintance" to "friend" territory.

Apparently, another friend threw her a surprise birthday bash this weekend -- photos showed up on my feed, and even my husband knew about it (he is friends with the woman's spouse). I wasn't invited. It stung. I think the host had control of the guest list (since it was a surprise, I'm confident my new pal didn't dictate the list), but I have to admit -- seeing a bunch of people I'm friends with at a party stung, as though I was back in middle school.
I will say, I don't know the host at all, but I am in the orbit of many of the guests, and I would have loved to celebrate my friend.
Or maybe we're not friends? I ran into her at the gym this morning and asked her how the party was, and she said, "I was so shocked!" It was pleasant, but clearly I wasn't...missed.

I hate the ambiguity of middle age "are we or are we not" friends. That's all. It can deflate even those of us who think we're "above". it all.

This is weird. Don't do this.

[Anonymous]

I'd take some steps back from social media. If you hadn't seen the post, you wouldn't even care.

Your friend did not compile the guest list, so how is this a referendum on your friendship?

I think binary "we are best friends or we are NOT friends" thinking is way more harmful than a small sting of not being invited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth are you faulting your new friend, if you know she didn't know about the party???

I feel DCUM has been overrun with stupid posts recently. Maybe they're all AI.

This. I feel like something very similar was posted a few months ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This exact same thing happened to me years ago, with a baby shower. I was originally friends with the Mom, and introduced her to my Friend. Mom’s family threw her a surprise baby shower for her second baby, and I was invited but Friend was. Friend cut me off at the pass and was like, “I’m sorry you weren’t invited. Her mom found me on a Facebook comment and invited me.” At first I was appeased, but then I thought, even if that was true, why didn’t Friend ask if I was also going, and if she found out I wasn’t, why didn’t she suggest to Mom that I might also appreciate an invite?

That must’ve stung. But it’s possible your friend just didn’t think to ask if you were going. I can see that happening easily.

[Anonymous]

OP, i would feel bad in your shoes too. But since your friend didn’t generate the list, what can you do? It doesn’t mean you’re not friends, it just means the host didn’t know to invite you. And the fact that your friend didn’t say “Sorry you weren’t invited” doesn’t mean anything. For one, she was likely trying to keep it from being awkward by playing it off. Or maybe she thought you had been invited but couldn’t make it. I would not give up on the friendship because of this blip. Truly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth are you faulting your new friend, if you know she didn't know about the party???

I feel DCUM has been overrun with stupid posts recently. Maybe they're all AI.

Did you read the post? Nobody is faulting the friend.

Wrong. OP is suggesting the “new friend” should have told her she wished she’d been invited by the other woman to the party. As a result, she’s worried that the “new friend” just sees her as an acquaintance.

OP needs thicker skin or she’ll go through the rest of her life obsessing over various slights, real or imagined.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd take some steps back from social media. If you hadn't seen the post, you wouldn't even care.

Your friend did not compile the guest list, so how is this a referendum on your friendship?

I think binary "we are best friends or we are NOT friends" thinking is way more harmful than a small sting of not being invited.

This is good advice.

[Anonymous]

I had a party last spring. I was in charge of the invites. I neglected to invite two friendly acquaintances I totally like. Had my mind been in a different space, I would have invited them. It was not intentional. I just blanked. And I felt bad about it afterwards.

Assume good intentions, OP.

[Anonymous]

You don't know the host, so don't let this bother you.

Ask this new friend to do something one-on-one. Try to build the friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Over the past couple of years, I've become friendly, or I thought friends, with a woman in my town. Our kids play on a sports team together and we have many mutual friends, and we also serve on a board together so we see each other routinely. We message regularly and have disclosed some important health stuff as well (we both have IBS and have swapped ways to struggle through it during flares). We hang out in large groups as well as a few smaller dinners. I thought we'd moved from "acquaintance" to "friend" territory.

Apparently, another friend threw her a surprise birthday bash this weekend -- photos showed up on my feed, and even my husband knew about it (he is friends with the woman's spouse). I wasn't invited. It stung. I think the host had control of the guest list (since it was a surprise, I'm confident my new pal didn't dictate the list), but I have to admit -- seeing a bunch of people I'm friends with at a party stung, as though I was back in middle school.
I will say, I don't know the host at all, but I am in the orbit of many of the guests, and I would have loved to celebrate my friend.
Or maybe we're not friends? I ran into her at the gym this morning and asked her how the party was, and she said, "I was so shocked!" It was pleasant, but clearly I wasn't...missed.

I hate the ambiguity of middle age "are we or are we not" friends. That's all. It can deflate even those of us who think we're "above". it all.

This is weird. Don't do this.

I don't think asking how the party went is weird.

It may have led your friend to assume that your were invited, though, and now she's fretting because she thought you were friends and you didn't even say "sorry I couldn't make it."

[Anonymous]

Never talked about the job hunting process or anything related to the job, or why she wanted it in the first place (her husband makes $$$$). Just a lack of being real.

And this is why people are vague. Who are you to label her as not "real"? Who are you to question the validity of her working? In what world is her husband's salary your business? You are aware that there's reasons to keep working, even if you're married to a rich guy, right (and that for many of us, that's not the jackpot you think it is)?

Sometimes I can't with this board.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so the story of my life. I met a woman at the school who seemed like she really liked me. We worked together intensively on a volunteer project and then another one.
It then became clear that she acts like that to EVERYONE especially if she thinks you’ll be helpful somehow.
Like “do you have plans for spring break?” And she is super vague… turns out she’s going to London! I feel like a friend would want to talk about that. Or then she announced that she wouldn’t be meeting me at the gym anymore because she got a job. Never talked about the job hunting process or anything related to the job, or why she wanted it in the first place (her husband makes $$$$).
Just a lack of being real.

That is not a lack of being real. You could be talking about me, I don't like to discuss trips in detail with people. I'm sometimes afraid it comes across like bragging--and some places I've been to so many times for work or whatever they don't even strike me as particularly interesting.

My job hunting isn't something I discuss with anyone except DH. He makes $$$$, and that is not pertinent to my career. Not everyone discusses every little detail of their lives with everyone around them.

I completely understand this, I do this too with most people. but I was under the impression that we were becoming close friends. When it turned out we were friendly acquaintances the whole time. Just a different level of friendship than what I was hoping for.

You are letting your knotted panties do your thinking. If your dear friend didn't do invites and was surprised how do you get on the list? Is she supposed to tell everybody she knows you are a bestie? Think this thorough. Was everyone you ever met who got asked supposed to grill host on who was coming?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth are you faulting your new friend, if you know she didn't know about the party???

I feel DCUM has been overrun with stupid posts recently. Maybe they're all AI.

Did you read the post? Nobody is faulting the friend.

Wrong. OP is suggesting the “new friend” should have told her she wished she’d been invited by the other woman to the party. As a result, she’s worried that the “new friend” just sees her as an acquaintance.

OP needs thicker skin or she’ll go through the rest of her life obsessing over various slights, real or imagined.

This. OP would be expecting birthday person to fault the host. Find blame for jow they managed a surprise party. OMG.