I thought I'd made a new friend, but I guess I did not. Middle-age is rough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Really, OP? It was a surprise party that she didn't know about...and you don't know the host.

If you're a Stage 5 Clinger, go ahead and ruminate yourself into a puddle over this. She sounds like a nice woman who has gone out of her way to connect with you, and at the first sign of non-inclusion (that was NOT her fault), you're doing this? OK.

What is op doing exactly? She didn't show up at the party uninvited, she didn't roll on the floor crying and she did not complain to the bday lady. It's okay to have thoughts about situations.

Are you sure about that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:An important skill/tool in middle age is just not giving as many effs about this kind of thing. Maybe it was an oversight, maybe it wasn't, it seems unlikely your friend had any agency in it either way. So don't let it get in the way of a good relationship that you've developed. Ruminating about it isn't going to change what happened and being bitter (even internally) about it will sour whatever friendship you do have.

I agree with this, although it would be nice if her friend had apologized to her and said she wish she had been there and that she had no control over the guest list.

I agree.
The fact that OP’s friend didn’t say this probably didn’t help the situation.

If she had said this OP wouldn’t have made this post! But it’s sort of a vulnerable thing to say and it’s not fashionable to seem like you care about someone especially someone you don’t go back decades with. It’s all about being chill, breezy and giving the impression you don’t need anyone.

[Anonymous]

Is it possible that your friend doesn't know you weren't invited and she thinks you're being rude by not saying "sorry I couldn't make it"?

[Anonymous]

I think you just weren't invited because the host doesn't know you.

[Anonymous]

Her husband is aware that they’re fairly close friends, and that the spouses are friendly as well, enough that he told OP’s husband about the party without extending an invitation to either of them. That's weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Really, OP? It was a surprise party that she didn't know about...and you don't know the host.

If you're a Stage 5 Clinger, go ahead and ruminate yourself into a puddle over this. She sounds like a nice woman who has gone out of her way to connect with you, and at the first sign of non-inclusion (that was NOT her fault), you're doing this? OK.

What is op doing exactly? She didn't show up at the party uninvited, she didn't roll on the floor crying and she did not complain to the bday lady. It's okay to have thoughts about situations.

Are you sure about that?

These type of comments show that there are indeed some shitty mean adult women out there making it tough for people who just want to be normal, caring people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is on the host and not a reflection of your friendship.

I have a woman I’ve been friends with for 25 years, and I am confident that if her other friend group threw a party for her they wouldn’t think to invite me (or know how to contact me). It doesn’t mean she’s not my friend-just that I’m not friends with her other friends.

This. I have a very good friend, but I never made it to any of her surprise parties thrown by her other group of friends, who simply don't know I exist. It doesn't mean anything. Offer to take this woman out for lunch and celebrate. It is NOT a middle school, and these things don't matter in middle age.

[Anonymous]

OP if all she said was "I was shocked!" is it possible she is still trying to process the party? I mean, it is a lot. She may not have been able to think about who was there and not if she had bigger feelings about the party itself.

I'd think more about what you want out of this friendship, whether you are getting it and if not whether you should say initiate re that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is so the story of my life. I met a woman at the school who seemed like she really liked me. We worked together intensively on a volunteer project and then another one.
It then became clear that she acts like that to EVERYONE especially if she thinks you’ll be helpful somehow.
Like “do you have plans for spring break?” And she is super vague… turns out she’s going to London! I feel like a friend would want to talk about that. Or then she announced that she wouldn’t be meeting me at the gym anymore because she got a job. Never talked about the job hunting process or anything related to the job, or why she wanted it in the first place (her husband makes $$$$).
Just a lack of being real.

She might be getting divorced...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Over the past couple of years, I've become friendly, or I thought friends, with a woman in my town. Our kids play on a sports team together and we have many mutual friends, and we also serve on a board together so we see each other routinely. We message regularly and have disclosed some important health stuff as well (we both have IBS and have swapped ways to struggle through it during flares). We hang out in large groups as well as a few smaller dinners. I thought we'd moved from "acquaintance" to "friend" territory.

Apparently, another friend threw her a surprise birthday bash this weekend -- photos showed up on my feed, and even my husband knew about it (he is friends with the woman's spouse). I wasn't invited. It stung. I think the host had control of the guest list (since it was a surprise, I'm confident my new pal didn't dictate the list), but I have to admit -- seeing a bunch of people I'm friends with at a party stung, as though I was back in middle school.
I will say, I don't know the host at all, but I am in the orbit of many of the guests, and I would have loved to celebrate my friend.
Or maybe we're not friends? I ran into her at the gym this morning and asked her how the party was, and she said, "I was so shocked!" It was pleasant, but clearly I wasn't...missed.

I hate the ambiguity of middle age "are we or are we not" friends. That's all. It can deflate even those of us who think we're "above". it all.

I think you're being overly dramatic. Your friend had no control over the guest list and when you asked her how the party was you wanted her to not tell you she had a good time but that you were missed? So I'll add selfish to the list, along with dramatic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This exact same thing happened to me years ago, with a baby shower. I was originally friends with the Mom, and introduced her to my Friend. Mom’s family threw her a surprise baby shower for her second baby, and I was invited but Friend was. Friend cut me off at the pass and was like, “I’m sorry you weren’t invited. Her mom found me on a Facebook comment and invited me.” At first I was appeased, but then I thought, even if that was true, why didn’t Friend ask if I was also going, and if she found out I wasn’t, why didn’t she suggest to Mom that I might also appreciate an invite?

Because that would have been rude?!? You don't invite other people to things you are not hosting. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is on the host and not a reflection of your friendship.

I have a woman I’ve been friends with for 25 years, and I am confident that if her other friend group threw a party for her they wouldn’t think to invite me (or know how to contact me). It doesn’t mean she’s not my friend-just that I’m not friends with her other friends.

+1

My best friend lives three hours away from me. I'd absolutely come for a party thrown in her honor, but her local friends, although they know of me, don't actually know me, and I would assume I wouldn't be invited. That doesn't impact my 35-year friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so the story of my life. I met a woman at the school who seemed like she really liked me. We worked together intensively on a volunteer project and then another one.
It then became clear that she acts like that to EVERYONE especially if she thinks you’ll be helpful somehow.
Like “do you have plans for spring break?” And she is super vague… turns out she’s going to London! I feel like a friend would want to talk about that. Or then she announced that she wouldn’t be meeting me at the gym anymore because she got a job. Never talked about the job hunting process or anything related to the job, or why she wanted it in the first place (her husband makes $$$$).
Just a lack of being real.

That is not a lack of being real. You could be talking about me, I don't like to discuss trips in detail with people. I'm sometimes afraid it comes across like bragging--and some places I've been to so many times for work or whatever they don't even strike me as particularly interesting.

My job hunting isn't something I discuss with anyone except DH. He makes $$$$, and that is not pertinent to my career. Not everyone discusses every little detail of their lives with everyone around them.

If you did mention your trips you'd get slammed on DCUM for being a travel snob and people would absolutely dog you for bragging.

Also, job hunting is stressful and people don't necessarily want to talk about it with people in case it doesn't go the way they want. I'm currently up for promotion to partner and I haven't told anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Over the past couple of years, I've become friendly, or I thought friends, with a woman in my town. Our kids play on a sports team together and we have many mutual friends, and we also serve on a board together so we see each other routinely. We message regularly and have disclosed some important health stuff as well (we both have IBS and have swapped ways to struggle through it during flares). We hang out in large groups as well as a few smaller dinners. I thought we'd moved from "acquaintance" to "friend" territory.

Apparently, another friend threw her a surprise birthday bash this weekend -- photos showed up on my feed, and even my husband knew about it (he is friends with the woman's spouse). I wasn't invited. It stung. I think the host had control of the guest list (since it was a surprise, I'm confident my new pal didn't dictate the list), but I have to admit -- seeing a bunch of people I'm friends with at a party stung, as though I was back in middle school.
I will say, I don't know the host at all, but I am in the orbit of many of the guests, and I would have loved to celebrate my friend.
Or maybe we're not friends? I ran into her at the gym this morning and asked her how the party was, and she said, "I was so shocked!" It was pleasant, but clearly I wasn't...missed.

I hate the ambiguity of middle age "are we or are we not" friends. That's all. It can deflate even those of us who think we're "above". it all.

Did you wish her a happy birthday? Or did you just wait to question her when you saw her at the gym?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth are you faulting your new friend, if you know she didn't know about the party???

I feel DCUM has been overrun with stupid posts recently. Maybe they're all AI.

Did you read the post? Nobody is faulting the friend.

OP is. She's taking what happened as a sign that this friend was a fake friend.