I thought I'd made a new friend, but I guess I did not. Middle-age is rough.

[Anonymous]

Over the past couple of years, I've become friendly, or I thought friends, with a woman in my town. Our kids play on a sports team together and we have many mutual friends, and we also serve on a board together so we see each other routinely. We message regularly and have disclosed some important health stuff as well (we both have IBS and have swapped ways to struggle through it during flares). We hang out in large groups as well as a few smaller dinners. I thought we'd moved from "acquaintance" to "friend" territory.

Apparently, another friend threw her a surprise birthday bash this weekend -- photos showed up on my feed, and even my husband knew about it (he is friends with the woman's spouse). I wasn't invited. It stung. I think the host had control of the guest list (since it was a surprise, I'm confident my new pal didn't dictate the list), but I have to admit -- seeing a bunch of people I'm friends with at a party stung, as though I was back in middle school.
I will say, I don't know the host at all, but I am in the orbit of many of the guests, and I would have loved to celebrate my friend.
Or maybe we're not friends? I ran into her at the gym this morning and asked her how the party was, and she said, "I was so shocked!" It was pleasant, but clearly I wasn't...missed.

I hate the ambiguity of middle age "are we or are we not" friends. That's all. It can deflate even those of us who think we're "above". it all.

[Anonymous]

Oh that stinks! I'm sorry.

In case it helps ease the sting, I've been fortunate to have been thrown 3 surprise parties and for two of them the host assembled a very odd mix of people in my life. They weren't up to date on my newest or closest friends so it was awkward.

[Anonymous]

Why on earth are you faulting your new friend, if you know she didn't know about the party???

I feel DCUM has been overrun with stupid posts recently. Maybe they're all AI.

[Anonymous]

This exact same thing happened to me years ago, with a baby shower. I was originally friends with the Mom, and introduced her to my Friend. Mom’s family threw her a surprise baby shower for her second baby, and I was invited but Friend was. Friend cut me off at the pass and was like, “I’m sorry you weren’t invited. Her mom found me on a Facebook comment and invited me.” At first I was appeased, but then I thought, even if that was true, why didn’t Friend ask if I was also going, and if she found out I wasn’t, why didn’t she suggest to Mom that I might also appreciate an invite?

[Anonymous]

An important skill/tool in middle age is just not giving as many effs about this kind of thing. Maybe it was an oversight, maybe it wasn't, it seems unlikely your friend had any agency in it either way. So don't let it get in the way of a good relationship that you've developed. Ruminating about it isn't going to change what happened and being bitter (even internally) about it will sour whatever friendship you do have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:An important skill/tool in middle age is just not giving as many effs about this kind of thing. Maybe it was an oversight, maybe it wasn't, it seems unlikely your friend had any agency in it either way. So don't let it get in the way of a good relationship that you've developed. Ruminating about it isn't going to change what happened and being bitter (even internally) about it will sour whatever friendship you do have.

*Suggest to Mom’s mom—the one throwing the shower.

[Anonymous]

I think this is on the host and not a reflection of your friendship.

I have a woman I’ve been friends with for 25 years, and I am confident that if her other friend group threw a party for her they wouldn’t think to invite me (or know how to contact me). It doesn’t mean she’s not my friend-just that I’m not friends with her other friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Over the past couple of years, I've become friendly, or I thought friends, with a woman in my town. Our kids play on a sports team together and we have many mutual friends, and we also serve on a board together so we see each other routinely. We message regularly and have disclosed some important health stuff as well (we both have IBS and have swapped ways to struggle through it during flares). We hang out in large groups as well as a few smaller dinners. I thought we'd moved from "acquaintance" to "friend" territory.

Apparently, another friend threw her a surprise birthday bash this weekend -- photos showed up on my feed, and even my husband knew about it (he is friends with the woman's spouse). I wasn't invited. It stung. I think the host had control of the guest list (since it was a surprise, I'm confident my new pal didn't dictate the list), but I have to admit -- seeing a bunch of people I'm friends with at a party stung, as though I was back in middle school.
I will say, I don't know the host at all, but I am in the orbit of many of the guests, and I would have loved to celebrate my friend.
Or maybe we're not friends? I ran into her at the gym this morning and asked her how the party was, and she said, "I was so shocked!" It was pleasant, but clearly I wasn't...missed.

I hate the ambiguity of middle age "are we or are we not" friends. That's all. It can deflate even those of us who think we're "above". it all.

You’re friends. The other woman didn’t know you. End of story. Don’t let your middle school emotions bubble up. If you want to be invited next time become friends with the host.

[Anonymous]

Everything is not about you.
You need to learn this.

[Anonymous]

This is so the story of my life. I met a woman at the school who seemed like she really liked me. We worked together intensively on a volunteer project and then another one.
It then became clear that she acts like that to EVERYONE especially if she thinks you’ll be helpful somehow.
Like “do you have plans for spring break?” And she is super vague… turns out she’s going to London! I feel like a friend would want to talk about that. Or then she announced that she wouldn’t be meeting me at the gym anymore because she got a job. Never talked about the job hunting process or anything related to the job, or why she wanted it in the first place (her husband makes $$$$).
Just a lack of being real.

[Anonymous]

That stinks. But it may also be awkward for your friend and she just wasn't sure how to handle it? A few years ago my DH threw a surprise birthday party for me. Several days later we were chatting about the party, and I said "so how come Susie and Kim couldn't make it?" just out of curiosity. He looked like a deer in headlights--he forgot to invite them. They're close friends and he just.....missed. Anyway, since it wasn't even her DH but a friend you don't know, cut her some slack there?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This exact same thing happened to me years ago, with a baby shower. I was originally friends with the Mom, and introduced her to my Friend. Mom’s family threw her a surprise baby shower for her second baby, and I was invited but Friend was. Friend cut me off at the pass and was like, “I’m sorry you weren’t invited. Her mom found me on a Facebook comment and invited me.” At first I was appeased, but then I thought, even if that was true, why didn’t Friend ask if I was also going, and if she found out I wasn’t, why didn’t she suggest to Mom that I might also appreciate an invite?

Because it’s not all about you. It’s totally reasonable for them to have a lot on their minds. It’s also totally reasonable for you to be more forgiving and kind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is so the story of my life. I met a woman at the school who seemed like she really liked me. We worked together intensively on a volunteer project and then another one.
It then became clear that she acts like that to EVERYONE especially if she thinks you’ll be helpful somehow.
Like “do you have plans for spring break?” And she is super vague… turns out she’s going to London! I feel like a friend would want to talk about that. Or then she announced that she wouldn’t be meeting me at the gym anymore because she got a job. Never talked about the job hunting process or anything related to the job, or why she wanted it in the first place (her husband makes $$$$).
Just a lack of being real.

That is not a lack of being real. You could be talking about me, I don't like to discuss trips in detail with people. I'm sometimes afraid it comes across like bragging--and some places I've been to so many times for work or whatever they don't even strike me as particularly interesting.

My job hunting isn't something I discuss with anyone except DH. He makes $$$$, and that is not pertinent to my career. Not everyone discusses every little detail of their lives with everyone around them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This exact same thing happened to me years ago, with a baby shower. I was originally friends with the Mom, and introduced her to my Friend. Mom’s family threw her a surprise baby shower for her second baby, and I was invited but Friend was. Friend cut me off at the pass and was like, “I’m sorry you weren’t invited. Her mom found me on a Facebook comment and invited me.” At first I was appeased, but then I thought, even if that was true, why didn’t Friend ask if I was also going, and if she found out I wasn’t, why didn’t she suggest to Mom that I might also appreciate an invite?

It wasn't your friend's place to suggest who the Mom should or shouldn't invite to the shower, esp as it sounds like she didn't even know her and the invitation came via FB. Your Mom/baby shower friend obviously didn't dictate the list since it was a surprise.

None of this had anything to do with you.

[Anonymous]

I've been in this exact situation before and it is awkward and doesn't feel good. But as other PPs have noted, you need to see this as the result of kind of random social dynamics (not knowing the host at all, it being a surprise party, the fact that you happened to see the photos on social media) and not a slight towards you at all. It's just a weird situation but not a put down.

I think it's too late for this time, but next time if this happens, I would casually invite this friend out for a drink to celebrate her birthday. Like not even mention the party, just say "oh I saw on Facebook it was your birthday last week -- can I take you out for a drink to celebrate? I'd love to catch up kids free." Or something like that. This serves the purpose of normalizing things so she doesn't think you're offended by not being invited to the party, and also gives you a chance to celebrate together which can help deepen a friendship.

Also, if it turn out this friend is more of an acquaintance, that's okay too. For all you know, the person who hosted that party is also more of an acquaintance. Middle age friendships ARE weird and not always as straightforward as you think.

If you are feeling low, reach out to an existing friend or someone else you are close to (sibling, spouse, whoever) and get some one on one time. Stuff like this can just feel like a little ego blow and you need to build yourself back up. If that's not enough, consider taking a new class or changing your schedule in some way to interact with new people. Just something to break you out of ruminating over this. It's not worth it!