I thought I'd made a new friend, but I guess I did not. Middle-age is rough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so the story of my life. I met a woman at the school who seemed like she really liked me. We worked together intensively on a volunteer project and then another one.
It then became clear that she acts like that to EVERYONE especially if she thinks you’ll be helpful somehow.
Like “do you have plans for spring break?” And she is super vague… turns out she’s going to London! I feel like a friend would want to talk about that. Or then she announced that she wouldn’t be meeting me at the gym anymore because she got a job. Never talked about the job hunting process or anything related to the job, or why she wanted it in the first place (her husband makes $$$$).
Just a lack of being real.

That is not a lack of being real. You could be talking about me, I don't like to discuss trips in detail with people. I'm sometimes afraid it comes across like bragging--and some places I've been to so many times for work or whatever they don't even strike me as particularly interesting.

My job hunting isn't something I discuss with anyone except DH. He makes $$$$, and that is not pertinent to my career. Not everyone discusses every little detail of their lives with everyone around them.

I completely understand this, I do this too with most people. but I was under the impression that we were becoming close friends. When it turned out we were friendly acquaintances the whole time. Just a different level of friendship than what I was hoping for.

I guess my point (that I didn't make very well) is that it doesn't preclude that I am or trying to become close friends. There are myriad other topics that I am or will discuss. Traveling maybe if/when I know the other person/family travels the same way or locations so I know it won't be taken the wrong way. You can see from the travel forum here that this is a huge continuum of travel experience and desires around here.

DP. You made your point perfectly clearly, FWIW.

[Anonymous]

The friend may not even have known OP wasn't invited, especially since OP asked about the party. She probably figured OP was invited and wasn't able to make it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so the story of my life. I met a woman at the school who seemed like she really liked me. We worked together intensively on a volunteer project and then another one.
It then became clear that she acts like that to EVERYONE especially if she thinks you’ll be helpful somehow.
Like “do you have plans for spring break?” And she is super vague… turns out she’s going to London! I feel like a friend would want to talk about that. Or then she announced that she wouldn’t be meeting me at the gym anymore because she got a job. Never talked about the job hunting process or anything related to the job, or why she wanted it in the first place (her husband makes $$$$).
Just a lack of being real.

That is not a lack of being real. You could be talking about me, I don't like to discuss trips in detail with people. I'm sometimes afraid it comes across like bragging--and some places I've been to so many times for work or whatever they don't even strike me as particularly interesting.

My job hunting isn't something I discuss with anyone except DH. He makes $$$$, and that is not pertinent to my career. Not everyone discusses every little detail of their lives with everyone around them.

I completely understand this, I do this too with most people. but I was under the impression that we were becoming close friends. When it turned out we were friendly acquaintances the whole time. Just a different level of friendship than what I was hoping for.

The whole "do you have plans?" while being vague about her own plans would make me wonder if she was fishing for a house or pet sitter. I've discovered that in recent years -- some neighborhood/school people will be very friendly and ask lots of questions, I'll naively think it's because they want to be friends, and it will turn out they are looking for favors, like they want someone to drive their kid to little League or they want to know if you are home in the afternoons in case they need someone to pick up their kid.

At first I was offended by this but now I'm better at spotting the difference between real "getting to know you" conversation and people pumping me for info they can use. The pointed questions while being vague about their own lives is a giveaway. Some people are just kind of users and see others as a means to an end. You have to learn to recognize and then not invest in them. At best it could be a mutually beneficial situation, but I ky if they have something to offer.

If you ever wonder why you have friend problems - look no further. Someone asking if you have plans is being polite, not looking to use you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Over the past couple of years, I've become friendly, or I thought friends, with a woman in my town. Our kids play on a sports team together and we have many mutual friends, and we also serve on a board together so we see each other routinely. We message regularly and have disclosed some important health stuff as well (we both have IBS and have swapped ways to struggle through it during flares). We hang out in large groups as well as a few smaller dinners. I thought we'd moved from "acquaintance" to "friend" territory.

Apparently, another friend threw her a surprise birthday bash this weekend -- photos showed up on my feed, and even my husband knew about it (he is friends with the woman's spouse). I wasn't invited. It stung. I think the host had control of the guest list (since it was a surprise, I'm confident my new pal didn't dictate the list), but I have to admit -- seeing a bunch of people I'm friends with at a party stung, as though I was back in middle school.
I will say, I don't know the host at all, but I am in the orbit of many of the guests, and I would have loved to celebrate my friend.
Or maybe we're not friends? I ran into her at the gym this morning and asked her how the party was, and she said, "I was so shocked!" It was pleasant, but clearly I wasn't...missed.

I hate the ambiguity of middle age "are we or are we not" friends. That's all. It can deflate even those of us who think we're "above". it all.

This is weird. Don't do this.

I don't think asking how the party went is weird.

It may have led your friend to assume that your were invited, though, and now she's fretting because she thought you were friends and you didn't even say "sorry I couldn't make it."

It is when OP passive-aggressively asks about a party she's hurt she wasn't invited to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since you brought up the party, I bet she figured you knew about it and couldn't make it.

This. She probably didn't assume you Facebook stalked her and then got upset about it. Get off social media if you can't handle what you see. I don't use it and have zero sympathy for people who do and then get upset about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Really, OP? It was a surprise party that she didn't know about...and you don't know the host.

If you're a Stage 5 Clinger, go ahead and ruminate yourself into a puddle over this. She sounds like a nice woman who has gone out of her way to connect with you, and at the first sign of non-inclusion (that was NOT her fault), you're doing this? OK.

What is op doing exactly? She didn't show up at the party uninvited, she didn't roll on the floor crying and she did not complain to the bday lady. It's okay to have thoughts about situations.

Thoughts are one thing. Running to the Internet with the premise that "I thought I made a new friend, but I guess I did not" *because the woman was thrown a surprise party and thus had no knowledge or control over the guest list* is insane. A gut check is fine, but the woe-is-me, dramatic title, womp womp of this OP is way too much. Also too much? Bringing it up to the woman at the gym.

All of this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think if it feels off, it feels off. I can't recall ever feeling weird about friendships in my 20s, because it didn't feel weird, and I have always had some friends who had a whole bunch of friends and I didn't ever feel sidelined or hurt because I wasn't invited to everything. It just felt fine and right.

So when I had the feelings you describe (not until my 30s with "mom" friends) I pushed it off as my being silly and insecure and tried to ignore it, but my instincts were right. I don't enjoy the feeling of adults playing games at all.

This is straight talk. I actually experienced more of this "game playing" pre-kids, but it was in a specific setting at a job where people were very social. If things feel off, pay attention. You don't have to do anything, but don't invest heavily in those friendships. Might just be they aren't really interested in new friends, might be something else, but just trust your gut and only hang out with people where you get good vibes.

No point in spending lots of time stressing over a friendship that may or may not be. Just let it all go. If she really wants to hang out, she'll reach out to you.

Make yourself busy in the meantime -- classes, work, kids, whatever. When you're really busy, you won't spend time ruminating over stuff like this.

And then be sure to come back to DCUM to post about not having any friends in 6 months or so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think if it feels off, it feels off. I can't recall ever feeling weird about friendships in my 20s, because it didn't feel weird, and I have always had some friends who had a whole bunch of friends and I didn't ever feel sidelined or hurt because I wasn't invited to everything. It just felt fine and right.

So when I had the feelings you describe (not until my 30s with "mom" friends) I pushed it off as my being silly and insecure and tried to ignore it, but my instincts were right. I don't enjoy the feeling of adults playing games at all.

This is straight talk. I actually experienced more of this "game playing" pre-kids, but it was in a specific setting at a job where people were very social. If things feel off, pay attention. You don't have to do anything, but don't invest heavily in those friendships. Might just be they aren't really interested in new friends, might be something else, but just trust your gut and only hang out with people where you get good vibes.

No point in spending lots of time stressing over a friendship that may or may not be. Just let it all go. If she really wants to hang out, she'll reach out to you.

Make yourself busy in the meantime -- classes, work, kids, whatever. When you're really busy, you won't spend time ruminating over stuff like this.

Very few middle aged people are interested in making new friends. At this stage in life we have established friendships...adding new people rarely works out well, unless they have a particularly high value (job, wealth, social standing- but those people are rarely looking for friends in middle age and a lot of times it's a red flag if they are).

OP you need to accept this is the reality of life. You can always continue volunteering, work in church groups ect.

You AGAIN??
Clearly it is not true that very few middle aged women are looking for friends since there’s a post about that theme several times a day. I get that you went to high school here and still have that crew but plenty of people want to meet new friends.

+1

DC is a transient area, so it is very weird for this PP to keep popping to insist WE'RE FULL. If you're so busy with all your friends how do you have time to post on DCUM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:An important skill/tool in middle age is just not giving as many effs about this kind of thing. Maybe it was an oversight, maybe it wasn't, it seems unlikely your friend had any agency in it either way. So don't let it get in the way of a good relationship that you've developed. Ruminating about it isn't going to change what happened and being bitter (even internally) about it will sour whatever friendship you do have.

I agree with this, although it would be nice if her friend had apologized to her and said she wish she had been there and that she had no control over the guest list.

Apologized to her for WHAT? Please stop telling women to apologize for things. We say we're sorry far more often than we should. This is not a case where the friend should apologize for not inviting OP to a party where she was not in charge of the guest list.

[Anonymous]

at least you both have shitty problems. no pun intended

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so the story of my life. I met a woman at the school who seemed like she really liked me. We worked together intensively on a volunteer project and then another one.
It then became clear that she acts like that to EVERYONE especially if she thinks you’ll be helpful somehow.
Like “do you have plans for spring break?” And she is super vague… turns out she’s going to London! I feel like a friend would want to talk about that. Or then she announced that she wouldn’t be meeting me at the gym anymore because she got a job. Never talked about the job hunting process or anything related to the job, or why she wanted it in the first place (her husband makes $$$$).
Just a lack of being real.

That is not a lack of being real. You could be talking about me, I don't like to discuss trips in detail with people. I'm sometimes afraid it comes across like bragging--and some places I've been to so many times for work or whatever they don't even strike me as particularly interesting.

My job hunting isn't something I discuss with anyone except DH. He makes $$$$, and that is not pertinent to my career. Not everyone discusses every little detail of their lives with everyone around them.

I completely understand this, I do this too with most people. but I was under the impression that we were becoming close friends. When it turned out we were friendly acquaintances the whole time. Just a different level of friendship than what I was hoping for.

The whole "do you have plans?" while being vague about her own plans would make me wonder if she was fishing for a house or pet sitter. I've discovered that in recent years -- some neighborhood/school people will be very friendly and ask lots of questions, I'll naively think it's because they want to be friends, and it will turn out they are looking for favors, like they want someone to drive their kid to little League or they want to know if you are home in the afternoons in case they need someone to pick up their kid.

At first I was offended by this but now I'm better at spotting the difference between real "getting to know you" conversation and people pumping me for info they can use. The pointed questions while being vague about their own lives is a giveaway. Some people are just kind of users and see others as a means to an end. You have to learn to recognize and then not invest in them. At best it could be a mutually beneficial situation, but I ky if they have something to offer.

If you ever wonder why you have friend problems - look no further. Someone asking if you have plans is being polite, not looking to use you.

You didn't read the entire post. It wasn't the asking if you have plans, it's asking if f you have plans, then you answer, then you say "so how about you?" and they are weird and evasive, and then you hear later from someone else they had plans.

At first that interaction would be baffling, because why not just say what your plans are? But then I realized that some people (not everyone) are very friendly but only because they are figuring out if you can help them out. They'll see you at a school event and make a beeline for you and then ask with this huge smile, "How are you?! Do you all have spring break plans?!" The instinct is to think oh this person must be very interested in me to be so friendly, but then they'll act cagey and strange. In reality, they are just hoping you're not traveling and can watch their family cat or something. I used to struggle to recognize this behavior and kept getting whiplash from the super friendly behavior and then otherwise being unfriendly. Now I recognize the signs that someone is just trying to butter me up for a request, as opposed to actually interested in friendship. Understanding this difference has made it easier for me to make friends, because I don't invest energy in the people just looking for favors and therefore don't feel hurt or used either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so the story of my life. I met a woman at the school who seemed like she really liked me. We worked together intensively on a volunteer project and then another one.
It then became clear that she acts like that to EVERYONE especially if she thinks you’ll be helpful somehow.
Like “do you have plans for spring break?” And she is super vague… turns out she’s going to London! I feel like a friend would want to talk about that. Or then she announced that she wouldn’t be meeting me at the gym anymore because she got a job. Never talked about the job hunting process or anything related to the job, or why she wanted it in the first place (her husband makes $$$$).
Just a lack of being real.

That is not a lack of being real. You could be talking about me, I don't like to discuss trips in detail with people. I'm sometimes afraid it comes across like bragging--and some places I've been to so many times for work or whatever they don't even strike me as particularly interesting.

My job hunting isn't something I discuss with anyone except DH. He makes $$$$, and that is not pertinent to my career. Not everyone discusses every little detail of their lives with everyone around them.

I completely understand this, I do this too with most people. but I was under the impression that we were becoming close friends. When it turned out we were friendly acquaintances the whole time. Just a different level of friendship than what I was hoping for.

The whole "do you have plans?" while being vague about her own plans would make me wonder if she was fishing for a house or pet sitter. I've discovered that in recent years -- some neighborhood/school people will be very friendly and ask lots of questions, I'll naively think it's because they want to be friends, and it will turn out they are looking for favors, like they want someone to drive their kid to little League or they want to know if you are home in the afternoons in case they need someone to pick up their kid.

At first I was offended by this but now I'm better at spotting the difference between real "getting to know you" conversation and people pumping me for info they can use. The pointed questions while being vague about their own lives is a giveaway. Some people are just kind of users and see others as a means to an end. You have to learn to recognize and then not invest in them. At best it could be a mutually beneficial situation, but I ky if they have something to offer.

If you ever wonder why you have friend problems - look no further. Someone asking if you have plans is being polite, not looking to use you.

You didn't read the entire post. It wasn't the asking if you have plans, it's asking if f you have plans, then you answer, then you say "so how about you?" and they are weird and evasive, and then you hear later from someone else they had plans.

At first that interaction would be baffling, because why not just say what your plans are? But then I realized that some people (not everyone) are very friendly but only because they are figuring out if you can help them out. They'll see you at a school event and make a beeline for you and then ask with this huge smile, "How are you?! Do you all have spring break plans?!" The instinct is to think oh this person must be very interested in me to be so friendly, but then they'll act cagey and strange. In reality, they are just hoping you're not traveling and can watch their family cat or something. I used to struggle to recognize this behavior and kept getting whiplash from the super friendly behavior and then otherwise being unfriendly. Now I recognize the signs that someone is just trying to butter me up for a request, as opposed to actually interested in friendship. Understanding this difference has made it easier for me to make friends, because I don't invest energy in the people just looking for favors and therefore don't feel hurt or used either.

That’s exactly what my lady was like, plus she was a close talker and would GAZE into your eyes. I was like wow, I’ve met my new platonic soulmate. Only to figure out later that she’s told me nothing about herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The friend may not even have known OP wasn't invited, especially since OP asked about the party. She probably figured OP was invited and wasn't able to make it.

This. Or the friend assumed that op isn’t surprised she didn’t make the list since the host doesn’t know her.

That said, be cautious of these mutual friends, op. Women in this season of life can be pretty awful. I had a similar group of friends through our kids’ activities. We grew apart when our kids graduated and we no longer had that in common. But there was no falling out whatsoever. Later, I realized two of the women that I was pretty close with during those years had blocked me on social media! I was incredibly shocked and confused by this. It has been several years now, and I still think about it. Recently, it occurred to me that another mom in that group might have turned them against me. It would be like her to do so, and she might have felt jealous or threatened by our friendship.

So, maybe move on from this and assume no ill intent. But also take this as a sign that someone in the circle might not be trustworthy.

[Anonymous]

Get off social media OP. You aren't secure enough to be on it.

The reality is that everyone is living their own life. Sometimes you'll be invited to join, and other times you won't. What matters is what you're doing on *your* journey. If you are happy with yourself, you'll be happy for your friends, even if you aren't at their party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get off social media OP. You aren't secure enough to be on it.

The reality is that everyone is living their own life. Sometimes you'll be invited to join, and other times you won't. What matters is what you're doing on *your* journey. If you are happy with yourself, you'll be happy for your friends, even if you aren't at their party.

Stop it, Pollyanna. Real people aren’t walking around with their head in the clouds feeling knowing, knowing nothing, existing in some parallel universe, with no real connections to others.