I thought I'd made a new friend, but I guess I did not. Middle-age is rough.

[Anonymous]

Literally all the other woman had to say was “wish you could have been there!”

[Anonymous]

I understand your immediate emotional reaction. You felt excluded and that hurts. I hope that you’re realizing now that your friend didn’t have anything to do with the guest list and she may feel awkward about it too. I would just invite her to do something soon. Don’t bring up the party and if she brings it up be gracious.

[Anonymous]

If you really want to celebrate your friend invite her out for a drink or coffee or a walk and give her a little present.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think if it feels off, it feels off. I can't recall ever feeling weird about friendships in my 20s, because it didn't feel weird, and I have always had some friends who had a whole bunch of friends and I didn't ever feel sidelined or hurt because I wasn't invited to everything. It just felt fine and right.

So when I had the feelings you describe (not until my 30s with "mom" friends) I pushed it off as my being silly and insecure and tried to ignore it, but my instincts were right. I don't enjoy the feeling of adults playing games at all.

This is straight talk. I actually experienced more of this "game playing" pre-kids, but it was in a specific setting at a job where people were very social. If things feel off, pay attention. You don't have to do anything, but don't invest heavily in those friendships. Might just be they aren't really interested in new friends, might be something else, but just trust your gut and only hang out with people where you get good vibes.

No point in spending lots of time stressing over a friendship that may or may not be. Just let it all go. If she really wants to hang out, she'll reach out to you.

Make yourself busy in the meantime -- classes, work, kids, whatever. When you're really busy, you won't spend time ruminating over stuff like this.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like she's not really your friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think if it feels off, it feels off. I can't recall ever feeling weird about friendships in my 20s, because it didn't feel weird, and I have always had some friends who had a whole bunch of friends and I didn't ever feel sidelined or hurt because I wasn't invited to everything. It just felt fine and right.

So when I had the feelings you describe (not until my 30s with "mom" friends) I pushed it off as my being silly and insecure and tried to ignore it, but my instincts were right. I don't enjoy the feeling of adults playing games at all.

This is straight talk. I actually experienced more of this "game playing" pre-kids, but it was in a specific setting at a job where people were very social. If things feel off, pay attention. You don't have to do anything, but don't invest heavily in those friendships. Might just be they aren't really interested in new friends, might be something else, but just trust your gut and only hang out with people where you get good vibes.

No point in spending lots of time stressing over a friendship that may or may not be. Just let it all go. If she really wants to hang out, she'll reach out to you.

Make yourself busy in the meantime -- classes, work, kids, whatever. When you're really busy, you won't spend time ruminating over stuff like this.

Very few middle aged people are interested in making new friends. At this stage in life we have established friendships...adding new people rarely works out well, unless they have a particularly high value (job, wealth, social standing- but those people are rarely looking for friends in middle age and a lot of times it's a red flag if they are).

OP you need to accept this is the reality of life. You can always continue volunteering, work in church groups ect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think if it feels off, it feels off. I can't recall ever feeling weird about friendships in my 20s, because it didn't feel weird, and I have always had some friends who had a whole bunch of friends and I didn't ever feel sidelined or hurt because I wasn't invited to everything. It just felt fine and right.

So when I had the feelings you describe (not until my 30s with "mom" friends) I pushed it off as my being silly and insecure and tried to ignore it, but my instincts were right. I don't enjoy the feeling of adults playing games at all.

This is straight talk. I actually experienced more of this "game playing" pre-kids, but it was in a specific setting at a job where people were very social. If things feel off, pay attention. You don't have to do anything, but don't invest heavily in those friendships. Might just be they aren't really interested in new friends, might be something else, but just trust your gut and only hang out with people where you get good vibes.

No point in spending lots of time stressing over a friendship that may or may not be. Just let it all go. If she really wants to hang out, she'll reach out to you.

Make yourself busy in the meantime -- classes, work, kids, whatever. When you're really busy, you won't spend time ruminating over stuff like this.

Very few middle aged people are interested in making new friends. At this stage in life we have established friendships...adding new people rarely works out well, unless they have a particularly high value (job, wealth, social standing- but those people are rarely looking for friends in middle age and a lot of times it's a red flag if they are).

OP you need to accept this is the reality of life. You can always continue volunteering, work in church groups ect.

You AGAIN??
Clearly it is not true that very few middle aged women are looking for friends since there’s a post about that theme several times a day. I get that you went to high school here and still have that crew but plenty of people want to meet new friends.

[Anonymous]

Here is how I think about this stuff: I think about whether my relationship with a friend is valuable and meaningful, based on our interactions. I separate that from whether I get invited to [their wedding]/[their child's naming ceremony]/[their surprise party]/[a random hangout]. It's flattering and nice to be invited. But not getting an invite doesn't negate the rest of our relationship.

That's especially true in a situation like this, when it's clear the friend didn't put together the invite list.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think if it feels off, it feels off. I can't recall ever feeling weird about friendships in my 20s, because it didn't feel weird, and I have always had some friends who had a whole bunch of friends and I didn't ever feel sidelined or hurt because I wasn't invited to everything. It just felt fine and right.

So when I had the feelings you describe (not until my 30s with "mom" friends) I pushed it off as my being silly and insecure and tried to ignore it, but my instincts were right. I don't enjoy the feeling of adults playing games at all.

This is straight talk. I actually experienced more of this "game playing" pre-kids, but it was in a specific setting at a job where people were very social. If things feel off, pay attention. You don't have to do anything, but don't invest heavily in those friendships. Might just be they aren't really interested in new friends, might be something else, but just trust your gut and only hang out with people where you get good vibes.

No point in spending lots of time stressing over a friendship that may or may not be. Just let it all go. If she really wants to hang out, she'll reach out to you.

Make yourself busy in the meantime -- classes, work, kids, whatever. When you're really busy, you won't spend time ruminating over stuff like this.

Very few middle aged people are interested in making new friends. At this stage in life we have established friendships...adding new people rarely works out well, unless they have a particularly high value (job, wealth, social standing- but those people are rarely looking for friends in middle age and a lot of times it's a red flag if they are).

OP you need to accept this is the reality of life. You can always continue volunteering, work in church groups ect.

You AGAIN??
Clearly it is not true that very few middle aged women are looking for friends since there’s a post about that theme several times a day. I get that you went to high school here and still have that crew but plenty of people want to meet new friends.

Yes, thank you! Men are also looking for friends in middle age so don’t forget about us!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:An important skill/tool in middle age is just not giving as many effs about this kind of thing. Maybe it was an oversight, maybe it wasn't, it seems unlikely your friend had any agency in it either way. So don't let it get in the way of a good relationship that you've developed. Ruminating about it isn't going to change what happened and being bitter (even internally) about it will sour whatever friendship you do have.

I agree with this, although it would be nice if her friend had apologized to her and said she wish she had been there and that she had no control over the guest list.

[Anonymous]

Aww, I am sorry that you had to experience this OP.

Feeling left out is NEVER a good feeling.

I am thinking that the reason you were not invited was due to the fact that the host did not know you personally.
Though I would still be hurt by being excluded.

Perhaps it was just an oversight on the host’s part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:An important skill/tool in middle age is just not giving as many effs about this kind of thing. Maybe it was an oversight, maybe it wasn't, it seems unlikely your friend had any agency in it either way. So don't let it get in the way of a good relationship that you've developed. Ruminating about it isn't going to change what happened and being bitter (even internally) about it will sour whatever friendship you do have.

I agree with this, although it would be nice if her friend had apologized to her and said she wish she had been there and that she had no control over the guest list.

I agree.
The fact that OP’s friend didn’t say this probably didn’t help the situation.

[Anonymous]

It was a surprise party so she may not know you were not invited. She may have assumed you asked because you were invited, but could not go.

Her friend may have purposely excluded you or she flaked out. I have a friend who is the type to want to include everyone and I noticed on her birthday Evite, one kid who started the school year late and actually seemed to hit it off with her son, was excluded so I told her. She was grateful. She had so many things going on and it was not on purpose.

That said, I am rarely on social media. I block people who do the whole photos at parties thing.I'm too old for it. If they want to show me photos from parties when we meet for coffee great, but I don't need to check it out on social media.

Also, I've had to just enjoy what people bring to the table and accept sometimes I think I am closer friends with someone than I am. I have a mom friend of probably 14 years who disappears anytime I have a major thing-parent ill and then died, husband hospitalized, etc. I am not the type to expect meal trains or grand gestures. I know everyone is busy and overwhelmed. As soon as she finds out she drops off the face of the earth for months. It is what it is. I still like her and see her, but I focus on what she adds to my life and accept we are not close.

[Anonymous]

Your friend may not have known you weren't invited, maybe she thought you were and couldn't come. Or maybe she figured out that night that you weren't invited and feels bad/ awkward that you weren't invited and didn't know what to say.

At any rate, it is insane to think that this is any reflection on your friend's feelings about you. Seriously. It's sad you missed out on a good time, but that's all. Please don't let this ruin a good thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your friend may not have known you weren't invited, maybe she thought you were and couldn't come. Or maybe she figured out that night that you weren't invited and feels bad/ awkward that you weren't invited and didn't know what to say.

At any rate, it is insane to think that this is any reflection on your friend's feelings about you. Seriously. It's sad you missed out on a good time, but that's all. Please don't let this ruin a good thing.

I agree with this. It was a surprise party. Invite her to lunch or coffee.